What to tell DD10 about cheating dad

[watertupperwares]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or relationships but looking for some advice on my situation about cheating ex and what to tell DD.

I have a 10 year old DD with x husband, we split up 5 years ago when he cheated on me over a period of months with another woman who he is still with and they have a 5 month old daughter together.

I admit my relationship with ex wasn’t great and we wasn’t good for each other but I was devastated when it all happened and he was caught out. It was a horrible time for me and I really struggled. I am happier now with the most amazing partner and I’ve never been happier. If you’d told me that 4.5 years ago though I would never have believed it!

Ex didn’t introduce our daughter to the OW for ages and I thought it would fizzle out but after a year or so he introduced them and now ex and OW live together and have a baby, who my daughter absolutely adores but does love coming home to some peace and quiet when she comes home!

Ex has DD about 30-40% and it changes depending when I’m working and he’s working, we both work shifts. Everything is very amicable now and has been for a good 3 years or so, we never needed to go to court or anything always just sorted everything ourselves. He is a good dad, DD adores him and as far as I can tell, she really adores OW too who has now very much taken on roll of step mum!

I’ve never bad mouthed OW to DD, and she has no idea how or why we broke up other than that we argued a lot and split up. She was 5 so doesn’t really remember but does remember us arguing.

What I want advice on is what to say to her as she gets older.. she’s said a few things lately in conversation about cheating, not about her dad but in general conversations about whatever, and I know one day it will possibly be known to her that that’s what her dad did.

Should I tell her? Should I just avoid the conversation if it gets brought up? Should I ‘cover for him’ to protect her until she’s old enough to fully understand ?

I’m worried about how she will process it all, I worry that if she finds out in her teenage years how it’ll affect her relationship with her dad, and now that she has a sibling with the OW as mother, I don’t want her relationship with her sister to be affected when she’s older through any feelings she may develop about the OW because of what happened. Processing something like this as a teenager is likely going to be much harder for her than as an adult but I also don’t want to keep it from her and have her find out as an adult that her dad cheated on me AND then I lied to her for years!
I feel so conflicted because on the one hand, I hate this woman and think she deserves everyone to know what she did , but on the other hand, I don’t want my dd’s relationships to be affected badly.

It's been unfair for DH to publicly share an equal amount of blame for separating from his DC's mum so I often fantasise about telling my DSCs that actually the reason why they had to traipse between two homes (something they struggled with) was because their mum left DH for someone else.

It's been very hard to live with the kids' resentment at having their lives turned upside down and having that resentment unfairly directed at DH and me so would it make us feel better telling them the truth? Hell yeah! Would it make my DSCs feel better? Hell no! One day when they've all left home and are no longer reliant on their DM we might tell them the truth if the situation flips and it does them more harm than good not knowing; in the meantime we will continue to hold our tongues rather than cause unnecessary conflict.

OP... your DD hasn't asked you a direct question and you don't need to tell her anything until she does.

For the pp who's DS asked if dad has a GF... you gave the right answer. The truth. No details...just the plain truth.

As a parent you need to understand that many of your actions will impact on your DC.... so if you cheat, abuse your spouse or act in some other inappropriate or unacceptable way, your child may one day get to hear of it.

If your DD recalls arguments, then it must have been bad. Of course the sensible thing would have been for him to end your relationship first. Given how bad it was, it shouldn't have been a surprise to you.

You could have still been dragging out a crap relationship and you wouldn't have met your lovely DP.

If she does ask directly, you could say your relationship wasn't going so well, then dad met someone else and you split up....but you're now really happy with your DP and it seems like her dad is happy as well.

That way you haven't lied and you've ended it with a positive note and my sounding upbeat, that shouldn't affect her relationship with her dad, the OW or her sister.

I can imagine for someone who thought they were happy and everything was going well, you might struggle with sounding so positive.

MyCatHatesEverybody

I often fantasise about telling my DSCs that actually the reason why they had to traipse between two homes (something they struggled with) was because their mum left DH for someone else.

As you're not the parent of the children this should not even enter your mind.

If their dad tells them when they're older in an appropriate manner, if they asked directly wht they split up, then that's a different story.

Lies can lead to kids making assumptions. Including that the other parent cheated or that they the child caused the split.

Enough lies and deception happen in affairs as it is.

Some ppl tell their kids they fell out of love. Depending on your belief in marriage, this could be seen as a flimsy reason.

We've brought our DC up in the catholic faith and reasons like we don't get on anymore don't cut it with an older child. Though parents know the maturity levels of their DC best.

Marriage is till you're parted by death... it's not a great example if they think marriage is so disposable.... but age appropriate is the key.

Sandy of course it wouldn't be up to me to tell them, which is why I said I fantasise about it. And there's no reason why such a scenario wouldn't enter my head when, whilst I'm not their parent, I've had to live in the atmosphere that resulted from the DSCs going through a phase of mainly blaming DH for their parents' separation because he was the one to move out of the family home so in their heads he was more responsible for the situation.

They're actually all old enough to be told the truth now but things have long since calmed down so as I said, who would it benefit? "Hey kids your mum who you think is the bees knees put her love life before you. Feels good to know that huh?" Not that it's my decision of course but I happen to agree with DH that at this moment in time the truth would cause more upset than comfort.

@SnapesGreasyHair That's disgusting! What about your loyalty to your child?!?! Poor kid having to process information like that! Wow. You have likely damaged your son's relationship with his dad for life and potentially affected his trust of other people. Possibly even damaged his mental health there. Crikey. Epic fail

@SnapesGreasyHair You don't have to "lie" to him you just give non committal answers. His relationship with his Dad is none of your business!
It is between him & his father and was down to his father to tell him - not you!

Oh and before anyone accuses me of ex-wife bashing (not that they were married actually) my DH happily had his DCs every single week Thu-Sun because their mum went to stay at her new partner's house every weekend because the new partner couldn't cope with having the DCs around. My DH was a saint for not retaliating when she badmouthed him to the kids out of her own guilt.

@BingandFlop2019 - ds2 asked if his Dad had a girlfriend and l said yes....

That was it. I didn't elaborate any further. So how have l caused damage to XH and Ds2 relationship.... by answering my son's question with the truth??

Alas XH couldn't answer his children's questions or experience their rage, upset and hurt as he told them he was leaving and walked straight out the door to his new place.

@Herland - I don't believe in asking children to keep secrets EVER but I also think it's important for them to know that their separated parents don't need to know everything about the other's lives

I agree. Unfortunately on the very first weekend DC spent at their Dads new house he told them that they mustn't tell me anything about the house or what they do . I was not impressed at the pressure he'd put them under and told them both that it's absolutely fine not to tell me stuff but they can tell their Dad anything we do or about the house and l didn't want them to worry about telling him things about our lives.

Ds1 who was 14yr really struggled with his dad saying this and when my mum quite innocently asked if they'd had a good weekend he had a meltdown shouting that he can't say anything and not to ask.

That's just awful @snapes. Your poor kids. Children should be able to talk about their lives.

MyCatHatesEverybody

I've had to live in the atmosphere that resulted from the DSCs going through a phase of mainly blaming DH for their parents' separation

Mmm. I'd argue you chose to live there. You didnt have to

...and that's the thing with either telling lies or witholding the truth.

Your SC blamed their dad. They may have been too young to know the truth at that time, but they end up reaching their own false conclusions when you lie to them.

As it's years later, there's no point in just telling them out of the blue. That would be pointless.

I think telling DC in a very bitter hateful way is bound to cause issues. If you say it and seem sad, then that will affect them and potentially their relationship with the cheating parent...but if you as a parent do something so bad to damage the relationship...you need to accept that a consequence of this could be your DC finding out.

I absolutely know my DH would not hesitate to tell my DC if I left for an OM. They are in their late teens though.

I would have to accept if my relationship with them suffered, then that's my own fault. As a parent you have a responsibility to model good behaviour to your DC.

it's no use saying It's nothing to do with them and none of their business.... because when the safety and security of living with both parents is torn apart... you've made it their business.

If you've been a good, engaged and involved parent...your child is unlikely to turn away from you....because you cheated.

If their lifestyle suffers as a result of the split, especially financially, then of course they will not be too happy.

If the cheating results in you as a parent not being bothered with them anymore and spending your time with the OW... as a lot of men do... then perhaps such a person doesn't deserve to have a good relationship with with their DC if they can't prioritise their child.

Yes sandy, I didn't have to live there. But by the time my DSCs had started to become resentful (a few years in) I was married to DH and I didn't want my DSCs thinking that marriage is disposable...

@Herland - it was awful. We were in a restaurant as well when he got upset and an autistic meltdown is not fun!

I do look back over this past nearly two year's and l definitely didn't handle everything as well as l could but l also know that l have done the best l could.

My children are at the age where they are very astute and can't be fooled or brushed off easily, which is why l did answer their questions truthfully. If l didn't l knew - especially ds1 who has the most amusing memory - would pick holes in my answer.

Don't for now at least. If she asks outright then I wouldn't lie though

You don't have to "lie" to him you just give non committal answers.

That's the same as lying. The question has 3 possible answers.

Yes
No
Don't know

The OP knew and was truthful.

amazing..

Although ds1 memory is very amusing too as he remembers the most obscure details from things

They all work it out my 12yr old without any comments, discussions, quite recently left me with one of those jaw dropping moments :
"Mum, don't lie - if my Dad could have kept his dick in pants then it would be fine, but he can't and he is not going to change, I get what happened"!!!

They work it out whether they want it laid bare and confrontation is another matter.

I would say, say nothing, if she asks, don’t lie but don’t tell her things she doesn’t need to know or that may hurt it.

It is amazing you both have managed to raise a kid happy in two households considering the circumstances that lead to the end of the relationship. Do not undo your good work, your kid is happy, you should be very proud of yourself 🙂

I’m another who believes that it is best to provide information about the world including relationships to children, but in age appropriate ways. When my DCs asked direct questions about why their Dad/exH and I split up, one of the reasons I offered was that I found out he had a ‘secret girlfriend when we were married, which was wrong because when you get married you promise each other never to do something like that’. dCs asked various questions indicating it made sense to them at their age (under 10). they asked whether his secret girlfriend was his second wife; the answer was no which made their situation less complicated than what your DD will have to deal with when you tell her. So my DCs wouldn’t feel too conflicted about their dad, I also offered some other ‘general’ reasons as well eg we no longer loved each other, we argued too much for it to be a good home for them as kids, we could create better lives for everyone by getting divorced.

I came from a family where my father had an affair when I was 7 and my parents split. Fast forward 22 years and he's still with his partner and I have two adult half-siblings. I wouldn't even mention it if I were you. Why? Because she will probably figure it out on her own and if she has questions she will ask. My vivid memories of childhood are my mum detesting my father because of his infidelity (she still does I may add and though she lives with her next ex husband who tried to kill her, my father is worse in her eyes). I think that at this moment nothing good will come of bringing it up. Your relationship is not her burden.

I will tell you from the other side of the story. I was the OW and all children from both sides know the truth. Was it age appropriate? Not at all. It created a massive gap between their dad and them (particularly his son). We did think it would take a lot longer to get over it but something that has helped is that his exW found a boyfriend within 4 months of my partner moving out. It made clear to the children that even if it was told to them that the the main reason they separated(as stated in divorce papers) was the affair, reality is not as black and white. I wish they've never know, sure of course. But we've come to such a stable place that they actively celebrated my birthday getting involved in what to get me, the party, etc.. I had to explain to my daughter because his ex made sure everybody should know including my own. I did try to explain in the best way possible and she doesn't seem bothered at all. I didn't lie, I thought that was even more disrespectful in the long run. In a nutshell if she asks it there was cheating involved I'd be honest but also emphasise that her SM is a good role model in her life and that we all make mistakes and that ultimately it was the best for everyone involved.

OMG pickledbeets - because the EX found a boyfriend that mitigated you being the OW - seriously.

As I said kids work it out without anyone putting their tuppence worth in. they are the ones who have to navigate the car crash that one or both of their parents has created -they do not need the misconceptions of everyone else - justifying actions, views etc.

Mine did not need the OW belittling me and blaming me for their DF having an affair.

ultimately it was the best for everyone involved.

What a pile of self serving shite.

I never said it mitigated it but it definitely helped the children transition into their new lives. And I don't mean the affair was the best for everyone involved, it was both sets of parents separating. One family was living in domestic abuse and the other one living a charade neither scenarios are good for children IMO.

Pickledbeets - more self serving crap from the two who caused the split.

The divorce happened because of an affair - end of , does not matter about the charade. One person chose to fuck the other person over, failed to have the decency to discuss it like an adult and made sure they had something else to move to before they dumped the other person. There is nothing nice, pleasant or acceptable about that sort of behaviour and time does not make the actions any more palatable.

You try to tell your daughter her SM is a good influence - more sanctimonious bs from the person who has caused her to have an SM.