What to tell DD10 about cheating dad

[watertupperwares]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or relationships but looking for some advice on my situation about cheating ex and what to tell DD.

I have a 10 year old DD with x husband, we split up 5 years ago when he cheated on me over a period of months with another woman who he is still with and they have a 5 month old daughter together.

I admit my relationship with ex wasn’t great and we wasn’t good for each other but I was devastated when it all happened and he was caught out. It was a horrible time for me and I really struggled. I am happier now with the most amazing partner and I’ve never been happier. If you’d told me that 4.5 years ago though I would never have believed it!

Ex didn’t introduce our daughter to the OW for ages and I thought it would fizzle out but after a year or so he introduced them and now ex and OW live together and have a baby, who my daughter absolutely adores but does love coming home to some peace and quiet when she comes home!

Ex has DD about 30-40% and it changes depending when I’m working and he’s working, we both work shifts. Everything is very amicable now and has been for a good 3 years or so, we never needed to go to court or anything always just sorted everything ourselves. He is a good dad, DD adores him and as far as I can tell, she really adores OW too who has now very much taken on roll of step mum!

I’ve never bad mouthed OW to DD, and she has no idea how or why we broke up other than that we argued a lot and split up. She was 5 so doesn’t really remember but does remember us arguing.

What I want advice on is what to say to her as she gets older.. she’s said a few things lately in conversation about cheating, not about her dad but in general conversations about whatever, and I know one day it will possibly be known to her that that’s what her dad did.

Should I tell her? Should I just avoid the conversation if it gets brought up? Should I ‘cover for him’ to protect her until she’s old enough to fully understand ?

I’m worried about how she will process it all, I worry that if she finds out in her teenage years how it’ll affect her relationship with her dad, and now that she has a sibling with the OW as mother, I don’t want her relationship with her sister to be affected when she’s older through any feelings she may develop about the OW because of what happened. Processing something like this as a teenager is likely going to be much harder for her than as an adult but I also don’t want to keep it from her and have her find out as an adult that her dad cheated on me AND then I lied to her for years!
I feel so conflicted because on the one hand, I hate this woman and think she deserves everyone to know what she did , but on the other hand, I don’t want my dd’s relationships to be affected badly.

Honestly I would leave this well alone until she is an adult.

As he is the NRP she will be very protective of him and she may well receive the information as an attack on him and therefore her. It may hurt her a lot.

If she is asking questions about cheating, answer them as they come up. No need to relate it back to your situation.

The truth is that you and he were incompatible. That’s the truth.

I separated from my ex because frankly he was a wholly inadequate husband and dad. He was controlling and left everything to me, kids, house, you name it. He was foul to live with, for years. Angry and horrible. He nearly broke me. We are amicable now and he is a better parent than he was. My kids are 14 and 16 and very protective of him (perhaps more so now than previously, which is more about their developmental needs). Still now, were I to paint him in a negative light it would hurt them a lot.

I would just be very thankful things have turned out so positively in terms of family relationships, for dd. Leave it until she is an adult.

If she ever asks, I would tell her the truth, because it shows she is ready to. But she may never ask for a very long time (if at all). This is your hurt to cope with. I’m sorry that you had to go through that heartache but it’s not something that needs to come out any time soon.

Of she outright asks why you split up I'd tell her, you don't want to actively lie to her.

When XH left for OW, ds2 asked if he had a girlfriend and l said yes. Ds2 was 10yrs at the time.

I refused to lie and cover for my XH, but equally I'd only answer the direct question asked.

XH was furious that I'd said he'd got a girlfriend but as l pointed out....my loyalty to him stopped the day he left.

@Snapes but your loyalty to your child and why you would want to hurt your child any more is a mystery to me.

@lunar. The problem with telling "the truth" is that there are usually two different versions of it and you are then asking your child to choose which one to believe. You may believe your ex cheating caused the relationship to end, he may believe your lying about debt caused the relationship to end, or more probably the relationship ended because he didn't love you. All of these could be the truth, but all of them are the business of the adults in question and NOT innocent children. The only reason a parent would tell a child is to punish the other parent. It rarely does....but it always punishes the child.

Op. Don't tell her. As falling as that may be for you, you will hurt her if you tell you and it sounds like that's the last thing you would want.

Say nothing -she will figure it out.

My DCS understand and asked questions when they were ready. Eldest now 12 gets cheating and none of that came from me.

The problem with telling ‘the truth’ is that there are usually two versions of it

^^ this. In spades.

You may have felt deeply wronged (as did I at the time) but it’s not their circus. This stuff of no benefit to the dc.

I think you should leave her to be an innocent child. She is 10 for goodness sake and doesn't need the weight of the World on her shoulders.

You've admitted yourself that you were both not very good in the relationship so whilst I do not condone cheating, clearly your ex felt he had no option but to look elsewhere for happiness and he clearly found it.

Your DD has a good relationship with everyone, if you tell her that her Dad cheated that will change everything and what will that achieve?

If she asks why you split up, you can simply say Mummy and Daddy we no longer happy together. That is the truth and she doesn't need to hear more at this age.

@Herland - so when ds2 asked if his dad had a girlfriend, you suggest that l lied and said no?

I disagree. The truth would have eventually come out anyway and ds2 would then accuse me of lying to him.

ds2 has a "thing" about being lied too by his dad as XH justified him leaving by telling him he hadn't loved me for years and just stuck around whilst they were young...

So if ds2 then found out that I'd also lied, he'd have been even more upset.

Obviously there is more history to this but ds2 asked if XH had a girlfriend because XH had had OW round the house when I'd gone away one weekend with friends.....

I think clearly @Snapes when a child asks, directly, they should be given an honest (and age appropriate) answer. And I’m sure that’s what you did.

OP’s dd has not asked though. That would seem to be the difference here.

I do agree though about not involving the children and l have never told them anything unless they have asked.

Unfortunately as XH was so desperate to get on with his new life he did rush everything eg...got estate agent's in to value the house as he wanted it on the market asap...whilst ds1 was in the house. Ds1 was nearly 14yr at the time but XH told him it was for insurance purposes which satisfied him.... until he found out that we were splitting and he soon realised why they were really there and accused me of lying.

@LatentPhase - totally agree. If they ask, give an age appropriate answer. If they don't ask then it doesn't need to be said.

In my situation, l just answered "yes he has" and that was it. Unfortunately due to the fact XH had had OW round the house two weeks prior and spent every evening exercising with her my children were of an age where they guessed who it was

I have to say though, nearly two year's on the OW has tried really hard with them and they all get along well..... and l am pleased they do. It would be awful to have a "stepmum" who is nasty.

@snapes not at all. But I would probably have said something asking the lines of "That's something you need to talk to your Dad about darling. When couples split up sometimes they start seeing other people and that's ok. But whatever happens I want you to know that I am ok and your Dad loves you very very much.".

It's good for children to learn that their parents are allowed to have adult relationships. I don't believe in asking children to keep secrets EVER but I also think it's important for them to know that their separated parents don't need to know everything about the other's lives.

Yep. Absolutely. My exH is a bit of a Twunt really and still irritates me and I feel I can never really rely on him. BUT when he got a new partner (they have since split) I massively appreciated her efforts with my dc.

For the dc the story of your split is woven into the story of their life. It’s who they are. It’s so important that fault and wrongdoing is left out of their story.

Mum and Dad were not right for each other is all that’s needed. And then a life well lived.

I suppose the truth is that you split up because you weren't compatible and you both found other people you got along better with. In his head I guess you could argue that you weren't mentally together and in love any more, he just hadn't communicated that with you yet. Softened version indeed! I would just say that your view is that it's okay to fall out of love with someone but it's best to make sure that you finish things properly before findi g someone new. Also that finding yourself interested in being with someone else can be a sign of things not working as well as they could and then deciding what to do for the best.

XH and I split up 8 years ago when the DC were 7 and 5. There was an OW involved; they’re still together.

I’ve never said about why Xh and I split up and they’ve never asked directly. They do know that she and XH used to work together but if they have put two and two together then they’ve not mentioned it. I would say if they asked directly but I can’t see anything would be gained from them being told.

You can say you won't outright lie to cover up for your ex but that can also back fire.

Would you like your ex to tell you dc about all the bad things you did in the relationship?
(Not saying there is anything to tell)
From what you said, it seems you found a new partner after 6 months, who your now very happy with. Obviously he shouldn't of cheated but you both weren't happy.

Don't bring your dc in to the drama.
If she ask you say, you just weren't happy together and when dc is older if you feel the need to say more, she will thank you for not telling her when she wouldn't be able to properly process the information.

My exh cheated, did a whole heap of nasty crap, I still get occasionally ' you and dad should get back together' even though we've been separated 10 years. The dc don't know all the ins and outs because it's not their business.

Hi OP,

I was your daughter, when I was younger. Though I'd describe my parents relationship after they separated as quite awkward rather than amicable 😂

So, my parents split when I was 7. There were alot of things that were awful - domestic violence and arguments. DF cheated with OW in a very obvious and public way.

When they separated my DM was brilliant really. She said lots of things that I feel were really important for me to hear at that age. She said they were separating and that meant living with Mum and seeing Dad at the weekends. She explained that Dad had fallen out of love with her but they were still friends. She made it absolutely clear that their separation did not mean that they loved me any less, that I was incredibly special to them and always would be, no matter what happened.

As I got older, I asked more questions. I found it hard to deal with in my teenage years - but I think that was more because my DF didn't talk to me or show emotion. He didnt really show alot of interest in me or treat me equally with his new family. So as long as your daughters father treats her the same I'm sure she will be fine.

The important thing is to be honest - answer her questions if she has them, continue doing the wonderful job you are doing in not bashing the OW (as tempting as that may be), and continue, both of you, to show her you love her unconditionally.

The key is communication. People who have made mistakes must admit them and be appropriately remorseful. Shutting off and not discussing it would be a very bad thing to do - my situation is living proof of that. My DM was so honest with me and I appreciated it. DF on the other hand - I still have questions and I still hold a degree of resentment and anger towards him. Not for falling in love with someone else or even for cheating. It's about his lack of care, exposing children to a volatile situation, not apologising for it, outright refusing to acknowledge his shortcomings as a father etc.

Honesty and love, make sure your love shines through it all.

When she asks for the truth, tell her. No need to lie.

Hi everyone & esp @watertupperwares - I'm going to place a slightly different spin on this.
My exh cheated (with quite a few people as I subsequently found out) & eventually left 10 years ago when my kids were 12, 7 & 3. Although he said he wasn't with (said they had broken up) the woman I eventually caught him with, when he left, they eventually got back together (if they were ever apart); are now married & have two small kids.
I never said anything to my kids about what really happened even though my two sons asked repeatedly as they couldn't understand why dad had just left - I had become hugely adept at hiding the cracks in our marriage over the years so they were not used to mum & dad fighting & the whole thing was a huge shock to them.
10 years have now passed & I now see very clearing a few truths about my exh - he is a functioning alcoholic, an emotional bully & a serial cheater, he is also the son of a functioning alcoholic, an emotional bully & a serial cheater. This is not my version of the truth it is the truth.
I don't hate him - I've worked through all that & in many ways I feel sorry for him as he has never escaped or dealt with his upbringing.
However, I look at my 22 year old son now & there is a huge part of me that feels I have done him a massive disservice & that I owe him the truth. I teach my kids to always be honest & yet I have lied & covered up for their dad & sm for years; to an extent that I worry as my son goes into manhood that he will slide into substance dependency & an inability to commit in relationships as not only is it in his dna, it's what he has witnessed growing up - his granny has always excused & enabled his granddad's behaviour, I excused & enabled his dad's behaviour for years & his sm is now doing exactly the same. And there are days when I think that if I see my sons' going the same way as their dad that it will be my fault as I am the one that supported all the lies & bad behaviour for years - silently giving my kids the impression it's ok to behave like this.
I never said anything in the past as I always wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad & sm but I really do wrestle with that decision now & I honestly think that maybe I've done more harm than good; that if I had told them the truth the situation would have blown up, the air would have been cleared, they could have formed a new relationship with their dad & sm based on the truth & that they would really know their dad instead of having this emotionally distant, confused (by the way he still behaves) relationship with him.
I know their relationship with him isn't up to me to sort out but I do feel my cover up has in many ways created a fake set up.
I'm not sure if this makes any sense to people but I'm not so sure anymore that telling the facts isn't a bad thing.

Your case is different @Magda as there was abuse and addiction in the mix. My advice would be very different to a parent raising children with some with addiction or mental health issues.

...but I still wouldn't be discussing an adults sexual partners with children.

IMO protecting your DC is more important than your need for your DC knowing about her DF being unfaithful to you. It's a bitter pill but your DD will not benefit from knowing.

@Herland yes it is different. However I still would question the lies & cover up in these situations. I don't think 10 is an appropriate age for this at all - but when is? I studied psychotherapy for years & these patterns have a nasty habit repeat themselves generation to generation albeit often subconsciously, & I can guarantee if op sees her dd enter into a series of relationships with less than steady men in the future she will worry that she facilitated a acceptance of this behaviour in her dd.
I know this might all sound a bit woo woo but it's very common. One of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing your parents are less that perfect, but in these scenarios a lot is done (by wider family units) to preserve the idealization of the 'transgressing' parent thus creating a fake reality which kids often suspect but can't quite figure out.