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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dsd and friends/access - aibu?

46 replies

Jennylou88 · 16/04/2019 21:14

I'm prepared some possible evil step mother bashing here!
My step daughter lives about an hour away and is at ours every other weekend - sometimes extra weekends if we are doing things and she wants to come along.

Dsd is 12 and has started secondary school and is at the point were she likes to spend time with her friends. She often asks if she can bring friends over when she stays, this is fine but my husband doesn't want to be driving back and forth so we often have her and her friend/friends from Friday to Sunday eve.

The bank holiday weekends coming up mostly fall when we have her and dsd has already asked if her friends can come, I've said I don't want them all for the full 3 nights of a bank holiday. This has prompted a big row with DH who wants to say yes and thinks I'm unreasonable.

I just find it stressful as the girls need running around want dropping at the cinema, shops etc and generally entertaining until they go.
I'm often wiped out and spend the Sunday eve trying to clean up the house when DH takes them back so I know I don't want to do an extra night!

Step parents and parents am I being unreasonable here, are you okay to have your children's friends stay over 2-3 nights in a row?
If you are how do you manage it?
Do you just leave them to it?
I don't feel I can fully relax when they are here as always feel responsible for making sure they are okay/having a good time.
Should also add I'm pregnant too so that could be adding to me feeling wiped out/overwhelmed.
Xx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

stephstrops · 16/04/2019 21:19

What will you do with your own child when you’re tired from them?

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 16/04/2019 21:21

Then dh can do the running around can't he?

ArfArfBarf · 16/04/2019 21:22

Her dad could easily solve this by driving back and forward after one/two nights just this one time if it’s impirtant to him that she gets to bring friends?

Aprilladvised · 16/04/2019 21:22

It's not DSD she's tired from - it's her friends who are staying too.

When it's her own child she will send the friends home.

lovinglifexo · 16/04/2019 21:23

YABU and you probably no that.

the fact that you’ve had a row over this and ur DH thinks ur being unreasonable thing x

lovinglifexo · 16/04/2019 21:23

know /no

Queenfreak · 16/04/2019 21:24

I don't think its unreasonable to say no once in a while. Family weekends can be fun too!

fish88 · 16/04/2019 21:24

Speak to her friend's parents and say if DH picks them up Fri evening then can they come fetch her back on Saturday?

Petalflowers · 16/04/2019 21:26

I think the fact that she is a step-daughter is irrelevant here. Even if she was a ‘bio-daughter you don’t want friends over for several nights due to exhaustion.

Maybe don’t be at their beck and call and let them entertain themselves, catch a bus/taxi, dh does the ferrying around. Also, if you don’t want friends around for three nights, state this. Use pregnancy (congrats by the way) exhaustion as a reason, if you have to.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/04/2019 21:29

How in earth can OP be unreasonable to not want a friend along every time!! Unbelievable, but typical on here.

IF your DH says it’s fine then HE should be doing the running about. And good idea from PP to ask if the friends parent can pick them up after one night

Beansandcoffee · 16/04/2019 21:30

I wouldn’t have friends to stay for more than one night. Your H is being unreasonable by not driving the friends back home it is only an hour!! Or you arrange for the parents to pick up their kids the next morning - that is what I do.

Original poster

Jennylou88 · 16/04/2019 21:31

It's probably due to the fact that I want dsd and her friends to have a good time because she doesn't live with us, that over the years we've made rods for our own backs. I'll see if he can take the friend back early! Our conversation (row) didn't get to that, I know it's a sensitive topic as he worries about her wanting to see us less as she gets older 😞

OP posts:

DaisysStew · 16/04/2019 21:31

Hell no. When I was that age mates stayed for one night and were sent packing before lunch the next day. And my mum certainly didn’t spend the day ferrying us around.

YANBU at all.

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/04/2019 21:33

Wow no you're not UR, you're not saying you don't want DSD there for all the days, you're saying you don't want extra preteens all of the days - totally understandable! When are you meant to relax in your own home?! If they all lived close by they wouldn't be staying over three nights running.

woolduvet · 16/04/2019 21:37

If he doesn't want to drop the friends back early, don't make a fuss. But be very tired from the pregnancy this weekend. Do a lovely day then quietly back off. When you've a baby you won't be running around for dsd or a dd.

loopyloo12 · 16/04/2019 21:42

No you are not being unreasonable but on here anything to do with step child is always deemed terrible,unreasonable or mean change it to daughter and you'll probably get a complete different answer x

finn1020 · 16/04/2019 21:49

Who is their right mind would want a houseful of other people’s kids for three days? Tell your husband he has to take them back earlier. It’s not unreasonable to not want to host a bunch of people, teens or otherwise, for that amount of time especially on what seems to be a way too regular basis.

Your husband is overcompensating because he doesn’t have her all the time and doesn’t want to say “no”.

negomi90 · 16/04/2019 22:00

The one being unreasonable is your DH. He needs to take the friends home the next day.

An hour each way is not horrific. He could take his daughter and have some quality one on one time with her on the way back.
Your DSD should be able to bring friends around and have sleepovers.
They should only stay one night.
The answer is easy - one night and DH takes them home - DSD is happy, she gets friends, you're happy as its only one night.
Its too far to expect DSDs friend's parents to come get them.

Original poster

Jennylou88 · 16/04/2019 22:40

Thankyou! I was genuinely prepared for a battering as I feel guilty saying no as well. I've asked if he can take the other friends home after 2 nights so we've got a chill night as a family! He's not happy with it but if it's going to be 3 nights I'll stay at my sisters or mums so I can relax and let DH manage alone.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/04/2019 23:09

YHIBU
Your Husband is being unreasonable.

I'd either let him do all the running around for them, or I'd go away for the weekend.

3 nights is too much....especially as you're expecting.

turnitdownanotch · 16/04/2019 23:26

Three nights is taking the piss. And I'd feel I was taking the piss to let my kid stay with someone else that length of time! Unless it was a special one off or trip away. But if they stay regularly for 2 nights anyway, there's nothing special about it.

I'd be available for one night with the friends. After that, I'd have other plans.

Magda72 · 17/04/2019 00:06

I wouldn't have my 13 yr old dd's friends here overnight every weekend! It's too much on everyone & leads to exhausted kids.
Furthermore I wouldn't want my dd out of the house every weekend - do her friends' parents not want their daughters home sometimes? (Not being funny).

This is not a step issue it's a parenting issue & your dh must be very insecure in his relationship with his dd if he's prepared to give in to this all the time. I'd cut the overnights back to one nighters & as a pp suggested get the other parents to car pool the pick ups.
Honestly - it's not a hotel you're running and I can't believe some people think you're being unreasonable. Typical mn sm bashing.

Laloup1 · 17/04/2019 05:57

Rope in the other parents! Can they do pick ups? Is there any public transport?
Leave the weekend running around to your DP.

8FencingWire · 17/04/2019 06:15

I have a teen and I never say no to her having friends round for sleepovers, I actually enjoy it. But not from Friday to Sunday, there is no way in hell I’ll agree to that, i’d be shattered. I need some time to chill too. And the mess they make is unbelievable (well, I can believe it).
The dad, who is so keen on pleasing the little darling, can either ferry them back or spend the whole weekend looking after them while you go to your mum’s.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/04/2019 06:46

I wouldn't have liked my own DC to go to another house for 3 nights unless absolutely necessary as we were away or something. It's too long for everybody. Also my dcs loved having people over but one night and day was enough as they appreciated some downtime themselves .
So yes to one night and day but home then on Sat evening. Could Saturday activity be at some destination half way eg cinema in a town in between so then dropping friends home would be easier.
You are doing nothing wrong insisting on one night...not two. If l was their parents l would collect as would want them home.

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