Dsd and friends/access - aibu?

[Jennylou88]

I'm prepared some possible evil step mother bashing here!
My step daughter lives about an hour away and is at ours every other weekend - sometimes extra weekends if we are doing things and she wants to come along.

Dsd is 12 and has started secondary school and is at the point were she likes to spend time with her friends. She often asks if she can bring friends over when she stays, this is fine but my husband doesn't want to be driving back and forth so we often have her and her friend/friends from Friday to Sunday eve.

The bank holiday weekends coming up mostly fall when we have her and dsd has already asked if her friends can come, I've said I don't want them all for the full 3 nights of a bank holiday. This has prompted a big row with DH who wants to say yes and thinks I'm unreasonable.

I just find it stressful as the girls need running around want dropping at the cinema, shops etc and generally entertaining until they go.
I'm often wiped out and spend the Sunday eve trying to clean up the house when DH takes them back so I know I don't want to do an extra night!

Step parents and parents am I being unreasonable here, are you okay to have your children's friends stay over 2-3 nights in a row?
If you are how do you manage it?
Do you just leave them to it?
I don't feel I can fully relax when they are here as always feel responsible for making sure they are okay/having a good time.
Should also add I'm pregnant too so that could be adding to me feeling wiped out/overwhelmed.
Xx

What will you do with your own child when you’re tired from them?

What a ridiculous comment!
Well for one, I bet if that was her own child’s friend, then the op would get a say on boundaries and time limits for the friend staying over. The op doesn’t want her dsd’s friend there all weekend every time dsd stays over and I don’t blame her! I grow tired of other people’s kids very easily so the thought of all weekend every weekend sounds exhausting.
This is nothing to do with being the wicked stepmother. It’s about wanting to be comfortable in her own home without an additional kid there all the time.

Well, personally, I love having my two daughters' friends round - it's pretty much an open house here. But I can see how it can get tiring. Frankly, they're only an hour away - can't reqlly see why your husband is so dead set against driving them back. It's the obvious answer, really, isn't it?

One night is quite enough for a sleepover and not every time she comes!

Why can’t the other children’s parents come and collect them on the Saturday afternoon?

I just find it stressful as the girls need running around want dropping at the cinema, shops etc and generally entertaining until they go
Don't do it - leave it all to her dad.

I bet he doesn't have to do much parenting or entertaining his own child if she has her friend there.....and it's always you doing the cleaning up after them once they're gone....

3 nights is too much. I'd say no. The fact that she is A step daughter is irrelevant.

This sounds like Disney parenting at it's best! I've pulled my DP up on this as he wants to please his children therefore he hates saying no.

The simple solution would be if your SD comes over with her friend, explain to your husband that this weekend you will not be helping out at all. Explain it's like a social experiment where you want him to see exactly what needs to be done when more than one child is here.

It sounds harsh but he might then realise how difficult it is. When it's just SD you're probably more inclined to let her do some of the chores or fed for herself a little (like make her own drink etc) but when someone else is there, you have to play the role of host and it's exhausting.

Are there also extra things you have to pay out for when other children come? Do you pay for the trips to the cinema for both kids etc?

I personally don't see you being in the wrong here. If you refused friends over every time then yes but this is a long weekend and should be spent with just the family, not looking after someone else's child too.

What will you do with your own child when you’re tired from them? Not really a fair comment - she hasn't said she doesn't want DSD she doesn't want DSD friend for 3 nights - I wouldn't either.

If your DH insists on them friend coming I would let him run around after them. My DH never liked to use the word no either and I get the worry about them not wanting to come as they get older but maybe you should ask him what lengths? So its friends now he doesn't want to say no to but what about when she wants a car, a holiday, a house? Is Dad going to buy all them incase she doesn't want to come over anymore? Sounds like you all get on well generally so tell him his daughter will lose respect for him as she gets older if he doesn't learn t say no to her occasionally.

OP next Bank Holiday go visit your mum/sister and leave your DH to crack on with it. Also make it clear to him the house must be clean when you return. Men soon change their tune on what is reasonable when they are made to do everything without support.

No chance if he looking after dad friends for 3 night.

1 night max.

It's so very different having a guest than your own children who are 'at home'. YANB.

Biological child or step child, who wants their pals staying for more than one night, and even then not every single time.

Your DH needs to get over his Disney self.

YADNBU - stick to your guns.

He's not happy with it but if it's going to be 3 nights I'll stay at my sisters or mums so I can relax and let DH manage alone.

I might stay with them anyway. Have a lovely relaxing weekend and leave your DH to do all the ferrying/looking after/checking they’re having a good time etc.

Typical of some posters here who say OP is being U. She is happy for her Dsd to stay but why should she bring friends over for more than one night? Would you guys all entertain your daughters friends for more than one night whilst pregnant too! OP definitely try to send them back earlier and have some chill time as a family. X

Your husband doesn’t get to be the fun Disney dad yes man because you’re doing all the work. Now is the time to start putting some boundaries in place BEFORE your baby is here and he expects you to do everything for both children and DSD’s friends. Things have to change, it’s inevitable, so don’t wait till you’re wrangling a newborn and he’ll try and make you feel bad for not being able to fetch, carry, feed, host etc DSD and posse on little sleep and be in two places at once.

YANBU at all and I’d be less than impressed he’s trying to bully you about this. Firm boundaries, an equal say in what takes place in your home and none of this arguing unless you tow the line bullshit.

YANBU. It is your home too so you get a say.
If the friends do still come over, I would just pour yourself a glass of wine, sit back and let DH get on with it all.

Sorry- just seen you’re pregnant. Ignore comment about the wine.
Maybe a big slice of cake or some other calorific treat? And refuse to share it with any of them!

He can drop the friends off after one night then take dsd to a dad/daughter lunch before coming home. That way

She spends time with friends

Friends only stay one night

Dsd and dad spend quality time together

OP gets kudos of being lovely step but also gets a rest.

No bashing from me, I think you’re a saint for allowing this for one night let alone three!

So if DSD has friends in tow every time she’s at yours. When exactly does her father have quality one on one time with her?

In your shoes I’d go to your mums, or stay home out my feet up and smile benignly each time a lift is requested stating you’re not feeling well and don’t feel able to drive, DH do it.

As a PP said, I bet he doesn’t do much (any) parenting of is child when she’s around, if you’re you're doing the lifts to everywhere and she has her friends to keep her entertained and your cleaning the house after. What does he do? Apart from driving them home and back?

You staying with family and leaving him to it is a great idea. I am sure friend will be driven home early then!

I often say no to hosting sleepovers. It's exhausting. I expect you are doing the bulk of the housework, so your dh doesn't realise how hard it isn't.

I'd really take the opportunity to stay with your mum. You need your sleep!