Step daughter nearly 13 said she wants her dad to herself

[lawlaw14]

I have been in my step daughters life 6.5 years married to her dad 4 years
She is nearly 13 very immature and very much wont do anything I ask of her.

She has to live with us as her mum has addictions she’s clean atm so SD stays there some nights 2 a week at present

SD simply sit on her bum and doesn’t talk to us I will be in another room her dad tries to make conversation and she barely replies

We got her counselling it made no difference
Christmas Day she told us she wants her dad to herself she doesn’t want me or my daughters who live at home aged 19 & 14 around him it’s just them too.
Her dad explained you can’t have a person to yourself .... he said you have to accept people have relationships with partners step children and friends and family.
She then said she wants her mum to herself too she’s doesn’t want her half sister or stepdad around her mum either.

So we discussed this with her she apologised - she does get a lot time alone with her dad I stay out the way I also work evenings so she has him all to herself which I think is unhealthy as she’s controlling the house with her sulking and demanding ways.

Last week she simply wasn’t reokying to anyone and I said you still want us out the way don’t you and she said yes, I asked why do you think you need your dad to yourself she replied I don’t know and then ignored me.

Not sure what to do tbh
I have been a full on stepmom
I buy all her clothes I do all her washing cooking cleaning I spend time with her and I have taken her out many times - I help her with her homework used to pick her up from school I just feel she is controlling the house with her silence

The social worker who cane to is as her mind addictions said ignore her leave her too it but don’t allow her to tell you she has to have her dad to herself but if she doesn’t the atmosphere is awful I feel like a intruder in my own home
My daughter don’t like her and she only has one friend

What’s the best thing to do ?

It is a perfectly natural thing to be jealous. Try to remember it is not personal it is not about you as an individual it is simply that in her mind you are taking her dad away from her. I know it must be very hurtful to you but try not to take it personally. You need to definitely maintain a lot of alone time with her father. Just remember it is very hard for her and try to build a relationship with her bit by bit on her terms. And before you know it you will be the best of friends.

She's been through a lot. Her reactions are traumatised reactions.

Would it help you to be kinder if you imagined it was your DD who had been through similar upheaval and trauma?

I'm sure her mother's addiction has really messed her up. She may feel she doesn't belong anywhere, whereas your DC have one home, her half sister does and she's possibly feeling like a spare part.

Just do what you need to.

The counselling can be a long process. She has to trust the counsellor to share with them and she's still a kid who is finding it hard to articulate her feelings.

Sadly her behaviour is not uncommon with the unstable childhood she's had.

She sounds like a very immature, troubled 13 year old. 13 is hard for the best of them and they want - and express that want - things they know they can't have. I'd cut her a bit of slack. her mum has an addiction problem which must be really hard for your sd. She has step sisters on her dad's side and a half sister on her mum's and two step parents. I know this is the norm for a lot of kids but it isn't the norm for lots too - and it is hard navigating all this.

If I were you I would encourage her dad to have a standing arrangement with her for breakfast or lunch one day of the weekend or week - something just for the two of them. I think he also needs to focus more on her being unhappy and almost friendless. Engage with teh school, ask her friends around, talk to teachers etc.

One thing struck me - you said you feel like an intruder in your own home. The reality is it is this kid who feels like the intruder in both her dad's home and possibly her mum's home (presumably half-sister is with her step dad). You do have a home - this child is feeling untethered.

It is hard and I have every sympathy for you but having a 13 year old can be hard. your girls might have been fine. One of mine wasn't - and she had an intact, loving family with no half/step siblings or addiction problems. It is just what happens with some kids - teen years are hard.

It sounds like she just wants to feel important to somebody. That is her father's job.

I think it’s perfecrlt fine for her to want a relationship with her father that doesn’t involve you.. sorry OP.

I honestly think that just like you have a relationship with your DH that doesn’t involve the kids... his kids are also entitled to that. How would you feel if she was with you on every outing and every conversation with DH.

She might love you, but you are still not core family to her.

But then again I’m not really into “blended families”. I think a man should separate households to keep things amicable and keep the contact between the two at free will. Unless the DM is absent and you are raising them by yourself which is different..

You've given her a lot in terms of looking after all, but what it sounds she is craving is emotional attention. She probably feels like she doesn't really fit anywhere. How long has she been living with you?

It sounds like she wants her dad to herself not for physical company but as someone who talk her through her conflicting emotions. Is he able to talk in that way with her? She should be ruling the roost but is most likely doing so to try to find her place in this new comfortable family. You say she has time with her dad, but is that just the two of them without your children? How often? What do they do?

Your needs to find the right balance between her dad giving her quality regular one to one like doing a weekly activity just the two of them whilst at same time continue to get her to accept the house rules.

I have been in my step daughters life 6.5 years married to her dad 4 years

Opening sentence, Takethebiscuit. Followed all the things the OP has done and does for her DSD.

Your comment about doing things but by bit, 'And before you know it you will be the best of friends', well, it's not exactly helpful, is it? More like the spectre of Jean Slater on fizz clapping her hands.

Honestly it’s not a long thread. At least read the OP in full before posting.
The OP has also stated that this father gets plenty of 121 time given that she works evenings schooloflife, thorough unhelpful post. Short of moving her daughters and her out, what is it some of your propose?

Honestly.

OP, you have my sympathies, this must be incredibly hard on everyone. And having been in the position of my DP’s DC coming into my house and ignoring me (we don’t live together so yes, it is my house before people feel the need to swarm on that), it can become a very negative and draining dynamic that changes the feeling in the household.

My advice is this.

1. is your DH himself doing anything that rewards/ feeds/ enables this behaviour (as an example my DP was completely oblivious to his actions and his DC’s actions, therefore inherently giving his DC the signal that their behaviour was ok). He made adjustments and that helped the situation.
2. take back the power. It’s one child in a household of 5 people. She should not have the power to change the dynamic of a whole house at that age. And again I understand how it can happen but the social worker gave some good advice. You need to continue family life without so much focus on the child. My eldest also does this from time to time and I can be much more direct than you because she has not had that level of disruption in her life. I simply say, the rest of us are in a great mood and it’s clear you’re unhappy about something. If you want us to try and help you, we can. If not, we’re just going to leave you be until you decide you want to reengage with us. We love you. Normal service eventually resumes. But I have that patience because it’s my child and I recognise that it’s standard pre teen behaviour in most children.

My overriding advice. Consistently message and tell her she is loved. Take back the mental energy she is consuming. See what your DH can do differently to help the situation.

It’s not easy and you have my sympathies x

@AutumnCrow Thankyoi
You are the only one who seemed to read my whole post and I do find it troubling on here how most women want to rip others apart esp us SM.
You are spot on with everything you say.

For everyone else please re read my post

My SD was 6 when she came in my life she’s now nearly 13
I do all her care and all her emotional needs
Her father spends a lot of time alone with her more than he does me and my children stay away from SD as she’s maxes the atmosphere unbearable in the house with her needy behaviour
Why should she get everything she demands it’s not normal or healthy

I grew up in a much worse household than her my father constantly beating my mom up both my parents tried to kill themselves when I was small police at my house weekly as my father’s domestic violence my mum covered in blood.
My children also have an addict father and don’t act anyway near as awful as SD
My youngest 14 her stepmom has cancer and is going through chemo and isn’t demanding or needy
Yes everyone’s different but you can’t grow up telling people you have to hav ethen go yourself
SD DH ho out do things alone now SD doesn’t want us near them she also won’t talk to any of us unless she has her father to herself so I now keep out the way every evening even the ones I’m home
She’s been living with us 5 years as a family unit
Yes her mum has addictions so had many children’s parents but most don’t demand they’re parents go themselves

She has no friends as she treats her old friends the same as she treats us conyrils the friendships
Her mother is controlling too and lies a lot so does SD

You berated me and acting like SD doesn’t egg her dad to herself he spends all his free time with her I don’t egg time alone with him just one hour at bedtime we watch TV before sleep alone
Also do my children and I not deserve to feel comfortable in our home as we don’t and no this child doesn’t feel like an introudsr she rules the houses

Sorry auto correct on my phone

Have you stopped doing everything for her now she is demanding her dads time to herself?

It honestly sounds like she has been crying out for a parent. You've done nothing wrong, but it sounds like her dad has left the 'wife work' to you and not really been her parent.

Has her behaviour and attitude now finally got her what she wanted all along?

It honestly sounds like a failure to step up on her dads part. My step dad was more of a parent than either of my actual ones, it doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell that I couldn't find a way to get my mum or dad to be the people doing the parenting.

LawLaw, after reading your update - I have to applaud you for your success in life after such a traumatising childhood
Whenever I read such posts, I realise how sheltered I was as a child. I have no real advice but I can't help but think in ten years time your step daughter will look back and see that you were the one who was always there for her and did an awful lot for her.
Right now, she is in that ''my life is so awful, woe is me, victimhood etc which I feel a lot of us have done in our teenage years. As others have said, being a teenager in a household where there are no problems (Ha - does one exist!) is tricky in its self.
Hang on in there as I think she will respect you an awful lot in her 20's when she has had chance to ponder her childhood IF you remain the adult in the situation (which is what you are doing) x

sorry I bothered replying to be honest. From your update obviously the only solution is for you to go on feeling angry at her and not bothering trying anything to change it.

OP only wants to hear that the step daughter is a horrible bastard.

Yes, she’s rejecting you because you have been the reliable one and she is in too insecure a position to rail against her Mum and Dad. And the other children because she is jealous of the attention they get. You’re doing great though, your keeping a conversation open and a safe home. She’s getting to be a normal grumpy teenager with you, don’t knock it. And she realises she doesn’t know why she feels that way, which is an acknowledgement that its not your fault.

My 14YO DD says things like this to my DH. She's pretty awful to both of us these days.

In her more coherent moments she admits that she knows we love her regardless so at a time when she's struggling with relationships/school/pretty much everything outside the home she is taking it out on us.

Hang in there OP. It will pass eventually.

13 is a miserable age under the best of circumstances, having an addict mom who's in an out of her life exacerbates the situation. While unpleasant, I think her behavior is understandable, try to see things from her POV.

I'm not saying cave to get demands, I'm saying don't take things so personally.

Sorry but she sounds rude, unpleasant and spoiled. I’d be telling her very clearly that she’s lucky to be allowed to live with you at all, never mind anything else. And she’d be told to behave appropriately and do what she’s told or move out. I certainly would not put up with sulking and demanding behaviour. You’re the adult and what you say goes. Why should you and your daughters be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home? She either needs to behave decently or live with her mother.

I do all her care and all her emotional needs
Why her emotional needs? If she spends so much time with her dad, why can't he meet her emotional needs?

Sounds like he needs to spend less one to one time with her bit when he does, he cares for her needs then rather than relying on you to do so.

I’d be telling her very clearly that she’s lucky to be allowed to live with you at all, never mind anything else.

Why would you tell a 13 year old that she's lucky to be allowed to live with her parent?

OP this sounds so difficult not only for you but for your daughters too.
What kind of things have you tried?
When she ignores you if her dad isn't around, is there a punishment?
I agree that teens can be a nightmare, my DD has her moments but like a PP I believe that teens act out to those they are closest to. However, when my DD has her rude moments, she has a timeout to her room to calm down and is fine afterwards.
Do all DC have to follow the same rules? Are you allowed to discipline her? I would suggest some household rules, with appropriate punishments. Your DP really needs to back you up, when she says she only wants him he needs to keep repeating that he loves her but that is not possible as you are a household and you all spend time together.
I don't have experience of this, but I wouldn't accept my DD feeling uncomfortable in her own home. I would also worry how your DC would feel towards you when they are older for remaining in the situation were they may possibly perceive that they were not treated as a priority.

I admire her honesty. It's an ugly truth but at least she is being open with you all. I'm 34 and I still want my mum to myself tbh. I'm the first born and That possessive is still there. I genuinely struggle to "share" her with my own dd. Of course I logically recognise all of that is daft and it isn't about "sharing" a person but there's a tiny greedy kid deep down who just wants her mummy all to herself. How much time does she get with each of her parents one on one? It probably isn't about rejecting everyone else rather about feeling important to her parents.

Why would you tell a 13 year old that she's lucky to be allowed to live with her parent?
It’s not just her parent’s home - it’s also OP’s home. OP has obviously agreed to open their home to the SD and allow her to move in with them. She should be grateful. OP could easily have said no, go and live with your mother. Which is what I’d tell her will happen if she doesn’t behave. I would not have a child ruling the roost in my home.

I feel for you OP. I imagine she sees you doing everything for her and wishes her mum/dad would do them and is trying to force that to happen with her demands. Also if she’s been allowed to dominate and get her own way with her behaviour that’s probably why it’s stuck/got worse.

What does she do to cause an atmosphere? I assume sulking/stropping? Her DH should send her to her room if she’s being like that and tell her to come down when she’s ready to behave.

One person shouldn’t have that much power over everyone else!