Step daughter nearly 13 said she wants her dad to herself

[lawlaw14]

I have been in my step daughters life 6.5 years married to her dad 4 years
She is nearly 13 very immature and very much wont do anything I ask of her.

She has to live with us as her mum has addictions she’s clean atm so SD stays there some nights 2 a week at present

SD simply sit on her bum and doesn’t talk to us I will be in another room her dad tries to make conversation and she barely replies

We got her counselling it made no difference
Christmas Day she told us she wants her dad to herself she doesn’t want me or my daughters who live at home aged 19 & 14 around him it’s just them too.
Her dad explained you can’t have a person to yourself .... he said you have to accept people have relationships with partners step children and friends and family.
She then said she wants her mum to herself too she’s doesn’t want her half sister or stepdad around her mum either.

So we discussed this with her she apologised - she does get a lot time alone with her dad I stay out the way I also work evenings so she has him all to herself which I think is unhealthy as she’s controlling the house with her sulking and demanding ways.

Last week she simply wasn’t reokying to anyone and I said you still want us out the way don’t you and she said yes, I asked why do you think you need your dad to yourself she replied I don’t know and then ignored me.

Not sure what to do tbh
I have been a full on stepmom
I buy all her clothes I do all her washing cooking cleaning I spend time with her and I have taken her out many times - I help her with her homework used to pick her up from school I just feel she is controlling the house with her silence

The social worker who cane to is as her mind addictions said ignore her leave her too it but don’t allow her to tell you she has to have her dad to herself but if she doesn’t the atmosphere is awful I feel like a intruder in my own home
My daughter don’t like her and she only has one friend

What’s the best thing to do ?

The OP has also stated that this father gets plenty of 121 time given that she works evenings

The problem is, what is ‘plenty’ to you isn’t necessarily ‘plenty’ for this young woman. And nor does ‘plenty’ mean the same thing as ‘quality’.

t’s not just her parent’s home - it’s also OP’s home. OP has obviously agreed to open their home to the SD and allow her to move in with them. She should be grateful. OP could easily have said no, go and live with your mother. Which is what I’d tell her will happen if she doesn’t behave

Wow. The home in question is where one of the parents lives. One of the unwritten agreements of step parenting is that at some point, it may be necessary for a step child to live with you full time. This is one such situation. Threatening to throw a young person out of their home because they don’t do what you want them to is beyond disgusting. And will do absolutely nothing at all to improve the behaviour.

Sosigdog OP's husband is first and foremost a father to this girl. That is his primary role. He created her, and until she is an adult she is his responsibility. His home is her home. Part of being a step parent is understanding that your home is also the home of your stepchildren, whether they are there EOW or all the time. No child is "lucky" to be "allowed" to live in their parent's home. In this case, there is the added factor of this child's mother being an addict who is unable to care for her full time, which means that should her father refuse to house her then she has nowhere safe to live.

All of that aside, it's just terrible advice to give the OP. Telling her stepdaughter that she is lucky to be allowed to live there and threatening to remove that "privilege" is not going to improve the situation for anybody. It's certainly not going to improve OP's relationship with her stepdaughter. It's quite possible that at least part of this child's behaviour is the result of not being able to live with her mother and (for whatever reason) not having strong relationships with most of her father's household. She must feel very lost and vulnerable. Telling her that she is lucky to be allowed to live there at all is not going to make her feel secure and is undoubtedly going to feed into more poor behaviour and make things more miserable for everyone.

She's 12! She's been living with them 5 years. Yet should be grateful the OP opened her home to her? A 7 year old should never have to be grateful for a home with her parent! And a 12 year old should never be threatened with being sent to live with someone who can't care for them.

What a vile, callous, point of view.

Jesus Christ @sosigdog, I really hope they don't allow you near kids! Or any living thing, for that matter.

OP, it is clear that you have done a huge amount for your step daughter in a practical level, and that is fantastic. But you do seem to have a complete lack of empathy for her. This is a vulnerable girl, who has been through a great deal. I understand your frustration, but it really isn't okay to take an attitude that you had it tougher, and so she simply needs to suck it up and get on with it, which is what comes across in your posts.

I worry that this girl has opened up about how she feels, but has ended up having to apologise for having those feelings. That simply adds to what she's feeling, and makes it more likely that she will simply internalise things and have them come out at a later date, in more destructive ways.

This child needs consistent understanding, love and support. It is clear that she has lots of time alone with her dad, but he may wish to think about what they do during that time. There's a world of difference between being alone in the house together, and him devoting quality time to her where he focuses completely on her. Is there an activity that his daughter will love doing, where they'll interact and can really focus on quality time together.

Are there things that you can do with her, to strengthen your bond, and let her see you as an ally in helping manage her feelings, rather than as someone who finds the way she is feeling an annoyance?

Do you actually even like this child? If you don't, then I'd suggest that you and her dad need to split, because she only gets one chance at a childhood and it is clear that she needs some really intensive support. If you do, can you work on your own empathy and understanding, so that you can hear what she says without feeling threatened?

OP - it sounds like you and your dds have done nothing wrong especially as the problems are at school as well.

You say that her Dad spends lots of one on one time with her but is it quality time? Does he meet any of her emotional needs during this time? She sounds desperately unhappy and in need of feeling secure so that her relationship with family and friends can remain stable. I interpret wanting her parents to herself as another way of saying "I want my parents to focus on me. " she will almost certainly see you with your dd and want that for herself too.

Has she had counselling to deal with her mum's issues?

Just remember it is very hard for her and try to build a relationship with her bit by bit on her terms. And before you know it you will be the best of friends

How bloody patronising. Must be great living in LALA land.

OP only wants to hear that the step daughter is a horrible bastard

WTF are you talking about? That is absolutely disgusting, shame on you! If OP didn't give a shit about her SD, she wouldn't be on here asking for advice. I seriously despair about some of the people on here handing out 'advice'.

OP has obviously agreed to open their home to the SD and allow her to move in with them. She should be grateful.

I hope to god you're trolling. Sadly, I think not.

The amount of posts on this board that are just deeply unhelpful, judgemental and just downright mean. Some of you humans at the end of these keyboards need to take a long hard look at yourselves and question your own empathy and humanity levels.

I for one am sick of this whole board, and some of the golden uteruses whom I am convinced stalk these pages.

Newsflash. Your children are not the centre of the world. Not one bit. No ones child should be. They should be loved, cared for and protected. But that’s it. When they get to have miserable hissy fits or think that they somehow have the power to make an otherwise happy home miserable because they want to? That should give them the power to break up an otherwise happy couple and the onus is wholly on the non bio parent to accommodate every whim?

Wow. I’m never dating any man with children ever again in my life. It’s just a recipe for disaster.

Such a shame. There are a lot of lovely helpful posters on this board but they’ve long gone.

They should be loved, cared for and protected
I think everyone on this forum agree to this. The problem is we have different views how this is shared. We also probably all agree that his girl's behaviour is unacceptable and need to change. We however disagree how this should be dealt with.

Telling a child that they should be grateful that their SM permits her to live there and unless thry change they are fundamentally is not protecting them, it is a form of emotional abuse by inducing fear where they are already most scared.

Should OP have to endure a teenager who is ruling the roost? No should her kids have to live in a conflictual environment? No. Is the solution to make the girl feel that she is a burden and that thry would be happier if she went back to her mum? No.

The only solution is going for OP to take a step back and her OH to step up. She is HIS problem and HE needs to deal with it. He needs to act as a strong parent and give equal positive attention to rules. He needs to actively listen to her pain, discuss how she could feel happier and agree on compromises.

Maybe he is already doing this, and maybe for the time being she just needs a bit more of it. In any case, what is certain is that it's not OP who should shoulder the weight of providing emotional support to this child who is probably lost not knowing where she belongs, with a mum she loves but who can't be a ft time parent to her and a dad who used to give 100% of his attention to her and who at the same time her mum started to go downhill, build a new family with other children.

Lawlaw, you said she had counselling and it didn't help, how long was that for and how long ago? Did her mum and dad also talk to the counsellor?

Maybe it wasn't the right counsellor?

Her early life experiences (predating your arrival) have left her with emotional needs unmet. She's not expressing herself well, but she is saying that what she feels she needs to resolve this is the kind of quality time she had, or perceives she had or should have had, with her DF when she was younger.
She knows that's not possible because things have changed (she's grown up and you're now in their life) but that doesn’t stop her wanting. She can't change the having grown up, so she's trying to control the you being in her life bit and to get you to leave her and her DF in their own world together.

However, the relationship she wants with her DM is also what she had, or should have had, before the addictions took hold and DSF arrived. She's lost, or never had, that relationship with her DM and it hurts. She may also have romanticised the relationship with her DM and found the reality now she's back in her life is somewhat different. Her behaviour towards you (and your DDs and her friends) is so she can test whether you will actually stay with her, and if you don't then she won't have the depth of attachments to cause her to be hurt again if you leave her.

So she wants you and she doesn’t want you in her life. Both things at the same time, which makes no sense to her so she can't express it. Plus the image of the "wicked step-mother" is ingrained culturally from social media and stories, possibly also from her DM, but DSD's own experience doesn’t match this and she hasn't reconciled this internally as it's her DM who has let her down in her life not her DSM.

On top of that, it sounds as though you are the only person parenting DSD; she is old enough to recognise this and see that that's not the natural order of things. She sees your relationship with your DDs and wants the same from her DF. When she asked him for this, he told her that it's not possible because he has you in his life as well, which confirms for her that your presence is the barrier to her having the relationship she wants with her DF. He needs to show (not tell) her that she can have him "all to herself" - just not all of the time - and that she is his top priority, just as she can see your DDs are to you.

What do you (meaning both her DF and you) do?
She does need quality time with her DF - not just plenty of time in the evenings when both are tired and she has homework. He needs to instigate this. "Quality" meaning time together connecting that she believes he wants, not them happening to be in the same place at the same time because you've arranged it by having gone out.

The social worker sounds sensible. I'd take ignore to mean "don't react to", i.e. don't allow DSD to control the house. Your DH should be leading on managing DSD's behaviour though, with you backing him up.
Give her options where reasonable so she feels she has some control. Make it appear that the options are equally acceptable to you and how she chooses to behave will not impact on you or draw attention to her. If she doesn’t choose or makes another, inappropriate choice then allow natural consequences where possible, or impose a sanction that is easy to carry through, e.g. don't give her today's WiFi password.

Keep the counselling going if DSD will engage. It may take a long time to see any improvement as the problems are so deep-rooted.

It surprises me how many people do not read between the lines of this kind of post. This is one person's view of a situation. Does she seem like a person with much empathy?

The OP, as in so many cases on MN, does not really want advice.

Bleh.

Some 13 year olds have so much affinity to drama. They love it. They love the attention, they love to be the victim. And what better way to be the victim then go for the "stepmum took my dad away" theme..some people will feel sorry for her and make you to be the villain just because..

I would ignore. It's not your job to change her father- if indeed she longs for a relationship with him he is not providing it's sad but not at all uncommon or unusual. You can't fix it. You give them plenty of opportunities for time together the "quality" is up to him. Don't get sucked into the drama. Next time SD says she wishes you weren't with her father say it's unfortunate she feels that way but you are not going anywhere so you all need to make the best of existing situation.

Be patient if you can. She will grow out of it in few years(and come to terms with her not perfect parents) but it could get tough in the meantime. You are entitled to tell her (preferably together with your DH) that under your roof she is to live by your rules.

This isn't a competition about who has had the worse or most challenging upbringing. We can always find someone who has had a better or worse life than us.

Accept that her life hasn't been a good one. Mothers play a key role in a child's life and due to her mother being an addict, she's missed out on some key psychological attachment stages.

As much as you've done for her, you aren't her mum. Thats not your fault at all. She probably feels quite jealous that your DDs have you as a present and good mother and she doesn't.

I don't normally bow to poor teeenage behaviour, but this child isn't your average teen. She's also not particularly behaving badly, just expressing she wants both her parents to herself.

You might think you meet her emotional needs, but I don't think you do. That's not a criticism either, because I don't think you or her dad really know what her emotional needs are. Sometimes we have an emotional need and want it to be met by one specific person, who is incapable of doing so.

As much as you try to meet her needs, it just highlights to her that the person/people she really wants to meet those needs aren't stepping up.

You say she spends a lot of one to one time with her dad... what do they actually do? Are they just in the same space or does he engage with her? Does he know her interests? Does he really know her as a person?

Your DC have one home and her half sibling does, but she's between two homes...at least she is when her mum is stable.

In summary I'm not saying you're a bad SM.... you just have a troubled girl on your hands through no fault of her own.

I have been a full on stepmom
I buy all her clothes I do all her washing cooking cleaning I spend time with her and I have taken her out many times - I help her with her homework used to pick her up from school

So what does her dad actually do for her?

It sounds like he's left it all to you. I find this can be the case when a dad is on his own and very much wants another woman to take care of his child.

I would have loved to have my dad to myself but he had other kids so I just had to accept the situation as it was. It is simple and it is fair. Would it be fair for the other kids to be pushed to the side constantly to help her? No, because that will NOT help her.

I would say that her behaviour, however, is very much just teenagers behaviour. They do need their own space, stop wanting to join in family activities and rarely do as they are told.