Telling other children I’m pregnant

[Sessy19]

Hello peeps. Not sure if I am posting in the right section, but just after some advice if anyone has experience.

I am pregnant with my first baby with OH. We are only 9wks, but want to start preparing ourselves for telling OH’s other children. They only visit once a fortnight now (they’re 13 and 9 and have their own lives!) so we don’t see them often, but we don’t want to conceal this happy news from them especially as its slowly becoming a big part of our lives already!

The children and I have quite an up and down relationship. I’ve been with OH for 5yrs, we met 2yrs after his divorce, but their DM has taken a long time to adjust to me being active in OH life I think and they understandably feel very loyal to her. I’m worried that the children (and their DM) hold on to a fantasy that OH will go back to the family eventually.

The children are very clingy to their dad and can be a bit hostile to me. It has certainly been much better since DSS started secondary school and seems to have developed his own opinion of me recently (we have lots more chats about my work and his hobbies) that is separate to his mother’s opinions.

I just want to raise this baby in a calm and inclusive and loving home. I want to work towards the children accepting us all as another side of their family. Maybe it’ll happen organically (I hope), but maybe I need to put some things in place first...?! Any help, ideas?

Please PLEASE don’t let’s go down the mumsnet rabbit hole of bashing one another for life choices...I realise this is a really sensitive subject and I just want some guidance 😊

Thank you for sharing your opinion @averythinline, I hope you never have complicated scenarios in your life

Maybe you could read my posts on this thread. I’m asking how to help them come to terms with this because I KNOW they are going to take time to adjust and I KNOW they will be upset.

Everything I ask for in this thread is centred on the children so into insinuare that none of us has their best interests at the centre is just baiting. Sadly, lots of people like you post your opinions like this because hurting feelings to make yourself better has become a mumsnet past time. I feel sorry for you x

I have had lots ..... including a DM with 'mental health' issues and a Step-mother that wanted to celebrate her pregnancy -which felt to me like rubbing my nose in the fact my family had split up ... (she probably wasn't but that's how it felt)
as a consequence i have no relationship with my DF or half sibs....

so am just suggesting things you may want to think about.....from my experience...but hey why ask if you dont want to hear..

But I’ve already demonstrated that I’ve considered all these things. I’ve raised them as my concerns. You’ve just bashed me. That is ALL you’ve done. Does it make you feel better???? Because I’m pregnant and emotional and your stupid and insensitive comments just make me regret hoping that I could have a family of my own. Have a lovely day. I’m not surprised you have a poor relationship with anyone, bitterness is poisonous.

Avery,
you do sound extremely bitter, but not all children find a new half sibling traumatizing. As an adult (I guess), if you are a mother, you can understand a SM who wants to celebrate her pregnancy. Just like your mother had the right to celebrate her pregnancy with you.
There are different ways to see things in life. You can consider a half sibling as someone who takes from you and hate them. Or you can consider them as extra people who will love you. I wish I had a bigger family, more siblings, more people to rely on. And this is something that can be explained to the children by their father.
And may I suggest that you see a therapist to help you deal with your trauma.

Sessy19,
if you step children don't change their attitude towards you, you will still have your family, which will be your children. It's unfortunate if they are being manipulated, but you've done great with them based on what you're saying. If they ignore you, then I guess insisting on involving them might be annoying to them. I guess I would just ask them if they want to be involved in name choosing/shopping, etc. If they say no, you tell them that if they change their minds, their input will be welcomed. And that's it.
Being in a situation where the kids were constantly asking if I finally delivered (it happened at 42 weeks and as a sensitive hormonal pregnant woman who was scared, it wasn't pleasant for me, even if I understood it) or fighting over my baby and SD being overbearing to the point where if they were all present, I only existed if the baby needed a diaper change or was crying, ignoring him wouldn't have been so unpleasant in comparison. Based on what I read on this board, sometimes step children's attitude improuves, sometimes it doesn't, so the only thing you can really do is concentrate on you (not saying that you have to completely forget about them, but don't walk on eggshells).

While it’s true that Avery, maybe projecting from her own experiences, it is something that the OP does need to consider given that her partner’s existing children have an increasingly reducing relationship with their father for whatever reason and now he is going to have a full-time baby while their visits have reduced to just two days a month.

Whatever the reasons for that, it’s not hard to see that they may consider that they are being replaced by a shiny new baby while they are left in the background with a mother who uses them as an emotional crutch and a father who spends the bear mininimum time with them. And given the fact they see so very little of their father the likelihood is that they will have a minimum relationship with their half sibling as well. That’s just a fact of having such a reduced relationship.

OP I think that one way you could help would be to encourage your DP to spend more time with the DC and to potentially even look into increasing the time they spend at your house. Because the reality here is that if they take badly to the idea of a baby it’s not a huge leap for the minimum contact they currently have to end up as no contact at all. It’s only two days a month, that’s just 24 days a year which doesn’t really bode well for a relationship with a half sibling.

And FWIW I’m not bashing you, but this is a consideration, because given the hostility you are already facing here and the limited amount of contact the DC have with their father, a negative or at the very least a neutral response/future relationship is far more likely.

In my eXH’s case he told DC when his DP had had her first scan and she told her DC at the same time. Things were slightly different though because they weren’t living together and the baby was IMO unplanned and very soon after we’d split so DC didn’t react positively. However, I would say that he is fond of his half brother but there is thirteen years between them so even if he’d been living with him full-time I think that any kind of relationship would have been one of indifference as babies just aren’t that interesting to teenagers anyway.

My eXH didn’t help by telling DC that we had wanted to have more children and hadn’t been able to so making it out to have been my fault and talking about the baby non stop once it was conceived, but a pregnancy takes a long time so by the time he was born DC was semi-interested.

I’d be lying though if I said that he has a relationship with his sibling because he really doesn’t as has essentially stopped staying there since baby was born and even eXH admitted to me that he’s sure that the arrival of DC with his partner has gone some way towards making things difficult.

Thank you for your balanced perspectives.

We do both wish the children could spend more time with us, but they choose not to and my OH has always strongly felt that he cannot force them to do something they don’t want to do. He FaceTimes them twice a week, but they have busy social lives and are extremely happy. And that is most important to both of us. OH will periodically take them out for dinner during the week if he can but admittedly, their schedule now doesn’t really have space for him.

We couldn’t possibly afford to move closer to the children, we don’t have finances to stretch to inner suburban London so we literally live as close as we can, which is an hour away. A lot of thought went into where we bought a home and involved both of us moving jobs as well. We can only do as much as we are able to.

I've read this thread with a lot of interest; this is a situation that I may end up in within the next 12 months..
Although we haven't reached TTC yet, DPs children are very enthusiastic and want us to have a baby - it comes up nearly every time they visit.. I am realistic about it in that their emotions and reactions will probably change over time/when it is a reality, and the comments on this thread have been a lot of food for thought..

I haven't got any experience of this myself, but I would certainly leave it as late as possible just to have that safety net of things progressing..
as PP said, text the exw whilst you have the kids, so she knows when they do, but you get to control how to tell them!
As for rooms, leave it for a while - baby will be with you in your room after birth for a little while, and then as your DSC are one of each, perhaps they could share with the same sex child? Kids arent silly - it will occur to them, so maybe ask what they'd be happy with, give them options - dining room into a bedroom, share a room, or share with baby etc..
Congratulations though!

(And ignore the downer PPs - it certainly came across to me that the kids were centre of your post and you want what's best!

Thank you @snooze 😘

Congrats op! We let DSS know pretty early as MIL has a big mouth and was talking about booking an expensive holiday close to my due date. He wasnt keen at first. When I was throwing up I was basically told to get over it. He then graciously decided it was good for women to have 1 baby but we shouldn't have another because apparently I'm a bitch when I'm pregnant. DSS visits less often now (still has his own room and is very welcome) but a good suggestion is to book a 3d scan when you're much further along and invite the DCs. DSS really enjoyed this and still talks a lot about seeing DDs face on the scan.i was 27 weeks then.

Interesting suggestion @blackcat. How old was your SS at the scan?

@daftgeranium can't blame you there! So sorry...

The children have their own lives so don't see their Dad that often - sorry that is a cop out from the NRP. An hour is nothing in terms of your own children.

13 yr old might just be the 9 yr old is still not independent. For the last 5 yrs you and your DP for whatever reason have not confronted the new family arrangement. Stop blaming the EX and get your DP to parent his children and be interested in their lives. Him leaving them to do their own thing will be translated as no interest - he needs to grow up and be part of his DCS lives and stp making excuses.

A new child is not going to help the situation that HE has created.

He needs to grow a pair and to be honest with the eldest it is too late they are independent but this situation is entirely of your DPs and your making. We all know life is easier without DCs around - so you ahve been living in new couple utopia and now want to add a new dimension.

These DCs are only going to see Dad could not be bothered and now his new DC will see him more than them - so he can not be arsed. I personally do not see there will ever be a good time to tell them because you and DP have been livng in couple child free utopia. Can the excuses he needs to parent his children and stop making excuses.

COI: I used to drive 2 hrs on a Friday night to drop my DCS with their waste of space father and 3 hours back - so they had a relationship with him. 1 hr is a bollocks excuse for piss poor contact.

Sorry your post makes me angry - stop blaming everyone else, the Ex distance, the DCs, their lives and get your DP to parent his kids. If I was his EX I would consider him a waste of space - no wonder they are clingy when they do actually see him

@stuffedpeppers, thank you. Really interesting perspective. Never considered any of that ever. Have a blessed day xxx

@Sessy19 I clicked on this thread with interest as I'm in a very similar situation and then I recognised your username from the other thread we're part of - turns out the situation is very very similar!!

I've read through all of the responses and I'm sorry that people have ignored your initial plea to Please PLEASE don’t let’s go down the mumsnet rabbit hole of bashing one another for life choices...

I don't think we're going to tell the DSC for a while yet, but if this bloat continues it's going to be obvious quite soon!! DH & I have discussed ensuring that they have the option to be involved as much as they want, whilst still having quality time for just them & their Dad (without me and baby). I want to avoid them having any reason to think the baby is a negative. I think the pregnancy will be very difficult for the younger one to come to terms with initially, I can only hope that once baby is here they will bond and enjoy the big brother/sister role. I worry that if not DH is going to have a very hard balancing act that will put a lot of strain on us...

The room thing is difficult, we're okay if we have one baby... if we have two I don't know what we'll do!! I think transforming your downstairs room so it's as much like a permanent 'real bedroom' as it can be sounds like a good bet. Whoever is having the room can be involved with decorating, etc. It can be a positive hopefully??

I hope you can share how the situation develops once you do tell them!

Hi @JoJo, thank you. I will indeed share, because although some want to chastise stepmothers for existing, bash divorced dads for not loving their children(!) and generally give very bitter perspectives, knowing someone else is trying really hard to make the best of a situation really helps people in our position. I just probably won’t share it in mumsnet! 😂😂😂

@doxxed 😂😂😂

I think @doxxed actually has a very valid point. The dining room has to be converted to a proper bedroom anyway - a pull out squashed behind a dining table really won't be good enough. And that way all the kids are upstairs and will all hopefully feel as important as each other.

Not sure why a sensible suggestion was met with so many laughing faces?

Please don't tell them until after your 12-week scan - so many pregnancies end in miscarriage between 8-12 weeks so bide your time. Telling them will be hard enough without then having to explain what has happened, should the worst occur.

Actually, I would wait until closer to your 20-week scan. Time doesn't pass in the same way for DC as it does for adults and they won't notice if you're putting on a bit of weight - DC are oblivious to things like that. I can understand how excited you are, but don't be in too much of a hurry.

Mumsnet drives me insane sometimes. The op has come on looking for some constructive advice and as usual it has descended into 'shit dad, poor mum, evil sm' comments which are not helpful...at all.
I'm a dm whose ex cheated alot, & who finally left to be with the ow - his now dw. He caused me a huge amount of psychological trauma, and our children a huge amount of grief & there are days (10 years later) where I am still brought to my knees with sadness & fury at what he did to me & our family. But I'm an adult and no matter how difficult it can be sometimes, you get on with it....because you're an adult!
I've had to stomach the ow moving into my old house, being with my kids & then having her own kids. There were days when I felt she had robbed me of my entire life but I can honestly say I was never angry at her as it's not her fault my exh is the kind of man he is.
I've always promoted my kids having regular contact with their dad even though I would have preferred to have them with me all the time. However, he's their DAD & they shouldn't suffer because he & I have history. I have also always promoted their relationship with their sm as she is kind & helpful to them which I see as a big positive in their lives & they have a great relationship with her which makes their lives easier & I'm sure makes her life way easier too. This = a pretty harmonious time at their dad's which can only be a good thing all round. It hasn't always been easy & there were boundary issues (at her end) & control issues (at my end) that needed to be tackled but we did so & worked through stuff - like ADULTS!
I'm also a sm (though I don't really feel like one) to my dp's three teen boys. Their dm has constantly bad mouthed me to them, told them lies about me and has impeded me trying to establish a relationship with them every step of the way. When you are dealing with a dm like this there is often NOTHING you can do if the loyalty bind has been firmly set up by dm - so the people who come on here constantly blaming dads & sms for not trying harder are being really, really unfair. It is NOT an sm's job to deal with the quite frankly awful behaviour of some exw's/expartners.
It would have been sooooo easy for me to alienate my dcs from their df & sm as I'm the rp & they are massively loyal to me. However, I never did as I'm a sane, rational adult who accepts that things change, people move on & kids are entitled to a relationship with both parents & are entitled to engage with both parents new lives. To do so would have been vindictive & wrong.
Dp's exw however has ensured her kids will always feel on the fringes of their dad's life as no matter how much they may want to spend time with us (dp sees them regularly but mostly by himself at their request) they don't feel they can due to their dm getting upset & lonely, or angry & enraged & this is hugely detrimental for them & don't even get me started on the long term psychological effects of dealing with such a needy, controlling parent.
I know this post is a bit off topic but we really need to stop making sms the scapegoats in threads. Sms get flayed for just having the nerve to start a relationship with a man with kids, & if in turn she dares to get pregnant then she gets burned at the stake!!!
Being an rp dm is bloody difficult - it is mentally & physically exhausting & can also be very straining financially. But, taking anger & frustration out on women who just happen to fall in love with men who have kids is wrong, addresses nothing, makes the kids' lives more stressful & is also petty mysoginistic. As rp dms our lives aren't difficult because our kids have sms - our lives are difficult because a lot of the time we've the main bulk & responsibility of parenting (often having chosen to be the rp) while also trying to recover from a relationship breakdown. This is not easy - I've been there - and to that end we need support, but we also need to stop scapegoating the women who come into our exes lives. And surely as mothers, we can advocate for & support our kids in new family set ups without this constant sm bashing.
As an aside - my sdc's have a whole floor to themselves at ours - massive bedroom, seating area, & private bathroom. My kids (happily) gave up their playroom to this end, & they still don't visit - not because of anything that goes on in this house but because their dm doesn't like it. This means dp is keeping a house for them at great expense to himself just so he can have them for overnights. He's lucky he can (just about) afford to do this but many dads can't so what are they supposed to do? Give up having a life just because their ex has manipulated the situation & the kids to suit herself?
In my situation everything was done to make the sdcs feel welcome but it made NO difference because their loyalty is to their dm who can stomach them seeing their dad alone, but nothing more than that.

@Magda, your children, stepchildren, ex and partner are all so lucky to have you. They WILL realise that and you will be rewarded. Bless you.

I do wish it was straightforward, the children deserve that. And ExW can’t always be blamed for making things difficult. She does ask for help now, and 95% of the time, DH can help...and he wants to 100%. None of us can prepare for all eventualities. But it’s the inconsistency that is hardest. Sometimes ExW is all focused on the kids having healthy relationships, then she loses it. I DO understand. I’m a woman. I have issues myself. But none of it is easy. And what a shame that is for the children.

I hope that our situation can be navigated sensibly when the time comes. I want to wait til the 20w scan, in all truth, to tell kids but we want to share our news without families after the 12w scan and it’s not fair on the children to be kept in the dark when others know. That just seems cruel actually.

I’m not moving into the dining room full time so a 13yo can have my room, they are here for 48hrs a month. I’m sorry, that is ridiculous. But I WILL do what is necessary to include the children in decision making so that they don’t feel pushed out or relegated. They do know they are loved and they do know we care.

The assumptions made are tragic because it shows to me how awfully second families are perceived. Why wouldn’t you also hate on my child just for being born. Shame on you 😔

No @doxxed. I appreciate how you think you have the children’s best interests in mind, but no. Thanks. I think we have different ideas on raising healthy humans.