Telling other children I’m pregnant

[Sessy19]

Hello peeps. Not sure if I am posting in the right section, but just after some advice if anyone has experience.

I am pregnant with my first baby with OH. We are only 9wks, but want to start preparing ourselves for telling OH’s other children. They only visit once a fortnight now (they’re 13 and 9 and have their own lives!) so we don’t see them often, but we don’t want to conceal this happy news from them especially as its slowly becoming a big part of our lives already!

The children and I have quite an up and down relationship. I’ve been with OH for 5yrs, we met 2yrs after his divorce, but their DM has taken a long time to adjust to me being active in OH life I think and they understandably feel very loyal to her. I’m worried that the children (and their DM) hold on to a fantasy that OH will go back to the family eventually.

The children are very clingy to their dad and can be a bit hostile to me. It has certainly been much better since DSS started secondary school and seems to have developed his own opinion of me recently (we have lots more chats about my work and his hobbies) that is separate to his mother’s opinions.

I just want to raise this baby in a calm and inclusive and loving home. I want to work towards the children accepting us all as another side of their family. Maybe it’ll happen organically (I hope), but maybe I need to put some things in place first...?! Any help, ideas?

Please PLEASE don’t let’s go down the mumsnet rabbit hole of bashing one another for life choices...I realise this is a really sensitive subject and I just want some guidance 😊

Don't do it yet. You have plenty of time. Manage it positively.
I had SD finding out early because she snooped on OH's phone. She threw a complete wobbly and told me that she hoped the baby would die.
Then I miscarried at 14 weeks.
It was absolutely vile.
OH didn't support me at all. (Suffice to say I am no longer with him, but I will never forgive either of them)
The key thing is that your OH supports you every step of the way, and takes responsibility for communicating with his children. Don't worry about the birth mother, he should manage that relationship as well.
Look after yourself.
Wishing you good luck OP.

Reading with interest. Currently TTC with my partner, we both have other children. This is something I am nervous about.

I remember when my Dad and Stepmum told me we were having siblings..

I would discuss it with the mother first actually and let her know you will be telling them so you can all make sure the kids are okay. I wouldn’t make too much of a big deal of it, wait a couple more weeks too. His kids need to know their relationship with their dad won’t change so make sure he is the one to actually tell them.

Maybe you can use it as a way to bond with them, go shopping for baby clothes together etc. they could help choose names (with your help of course) but I would wait till later in the pregnancy so they have some time to process it.

I had a terrible relationship with my stepmum (she was awful though- you sound like you are making an effort) but I absolutely adore my half siblings and wouldn’t have it any other way. Hope it goes well for you all.

I wouldn't tell their mum very far in advance of telling them because it sounds like she may tell them herself ( from what you say in first post, I may be wrong though). We waited until I was beginning to show and told my dh's two kids together. I dint think we handled it very well as the older one cried her eyes out! But they both adore their younger sister and have since birth. Their mum was supportive as she was also pregnant ( which really helped though was a bit intense for the two pre existing kids ). But I would tell mum just before ( so a quick text just after you pick up the children so you control when you tell them). I would tell them at home. But honestly I would wait for a few months

Hi @Sessy19 - firstly, congratulations .
My exh told me his dp was pregnant before he told our kids. I said nothing to the kids but was glad I knew so I could support them when they came back from exh's. My two boys (then 18 & 14) were totally exasperated as he had told them he'd never have any other kids & when they reminded him if this he said it had been dp's idea & not his; that he'd have been ok without anymore kids!!!! - I'm sure your dp is fine but watch you don't get scapegoated by him or his ex). Dd (then 10) was VERY upset for the same above reason & also because the new baby would get to live with her df full time & to this day that's been the hardest thing for her to manage. Her siblings are now 3 & 2 & while she does love them she finds them massively irritating due to the age gap which I think is perfectly normal - she's a hormonal teen & they're nightmare toddlers lol). Exh really tries to force the big sister role on her which really doesn't help & I think she'd be less irritated if he left her alone.
My advice would be to not sweat it if you don't get the positive response you'd like; don't force happy families on them but rather ASK if they'd like to go shopping for baby clothes, ASK if they'd like to feed/help with the baby etc. & if they say no, don't push it - let them feel like they have a say in their level of involvement - I guarantee they will bond with the new arrival much more naturally if they feel they're not being pushed into it. Also, if they want to call the new arrival half sibling - let them. My dd really needed to put this label on her brother until she got used to him, & her df, sm & other family members getting cross with her when she did was hugely upsetting for her.
Finally - throughout the pregnancy & afterwards ensure your dp has regular time with dscs without you & the baby. I'm not talking hours on end - just a trip to the movies or a pizza out so that the kids can talk to him & feel seen & heard. Again my exh's greatest mistake is just not seeing that poor dd (now 13) is desperate for just a bit of him & her time - even if it's just a trip to the cinema. Remember that at 9 & 13 & as they get older they won't have that much of a interest in a baby - it's nothing personal and the same would happen in a nuclear family - & that if they don't get some grown up time with dad they will feel that the whole house in baby centered & they may feel apathetic about visiting. There's only so many trips to soft play, playgrounds that teens can tolerate! Obviously don't pander to them - spending time with younger siblings is all part of family life - but do appreciate that they don't see their dad full time & that some alone time with him is necessary & will be appreciated down the road.

& also because the new baby would get to live with her df full time & to this day that's been the hardest thing for her to manage.

I never really considered that @Magda72 thanks for that perspective.

My dc were a little shocked and went through stages when I told them I was having another dc. They were 10 & 12. Had me all to themselves, there were lots of assumptions at different times. Children rarely ask straight questions, it's more about how it will affect them, and saying the baby won't and then telling them you can't do something you arrange because your pregnant proves to them it will. That's the part you have to be careful with.
Also it's doesn't always seem real to them my youngest didn't believe me until he came to the scan.
Now my dc love their db and he's just joined their family and it's now normal.
But,
My dc have said that if their dad has another dc they won't really be bothered because they will hardly see them and it's different. Also it's doesn't help that their dads gf keeps going on about having a lo when the dad has said maybe but that he doesn't want anymore. So like a pp said be careful with getting the blame.
Example being, their were together 6 months, started renting a place, took the dc away to Butlins and she keep pointing to babies saying ' I want one'. It was all very fast, and the dc just went along with it as long as dads happy. Now they haven't seen her for 2 months as she's always at work on the two Saturday a month they see him now.

I think it really does depend on your relationship and what the dc assume and have seen, because my dc love their cousin on their dads side, he was a little brother to them.
It doesn't matter if your the mum or the dad having more dc just how you are with the dc.

Thank you. Most of what you’ve all said resonates, and I think I’ve at least considered it generally.

I’m not sure telling their DM first is helpful for these children. She has some mild MH issues and she uses particularly DSS as her emotional support which has left him feeling a) very resentful towards her now, and b) very sensitive to anything that would cause an emotional response.
OH is confident in his relationship with them that he will talk with them when he collects them on a sat morning and then they have a full day and night to ask questions. I’m sure they will be upset, it is a big change (they got upset when OH and I got engaged even though hse been living with me for years, so nothing would really physically change) and they do lose their dad to some extent to a new half sibling who lives with him 24/7.

Another big deal is that we have a 3bed house. We aren’t going to move or extend our property, which we only moved into a month ago. So that means one of the children eventually (2-3yrs time, maybe sooner) losing their bedroom to move into a pull out in the dining room (it’s not used as a dining room, it’s essentially an empty room that leads to the garden, but it isn’t a bedroom!) And I think this really is going to be a big deal. They children share bunk beds at their mums, they get no privacy from one another except when they come to us for that 24hrs. But I can’t see any way of making that less painful for whichever one is having to move.

I’m thinking all this through, trying to be reasonable, fair, think of their best interests. But I also know that it is me that will be the target of their anger and upset (esp when their DM gets wind and winds it all up!) and I will be public enemy number one for ruining their dreams of mummy and daddy getting back together and that does break my heart. I want, also, to be able to celebrate this pregnancy, not apologise for it!

Ooh the room situation may be a real problem.
Can you make it a proper bedroom? Or put two children together?
It's not right to resign one child to a pull-out in a room that isn't a bedroom. Not at all.

The two older children could share because they do at their mums, but the boy is 13 and the girl is 9 and I don’t agree with that. They need space of their own, they need privacy. The rooms are tiny as well, originally one room split into two. The dining room is an empty space and we can make a temporary room from it, add in a TV and PlayStation etc, but it won’t go down well in the first instance, I’m sure.

We’ll manage best we can. But there’s no easy solution. I have three children to consider and they all deserve their own rooms, but it’s just not possible. Intact families don’t give every child it’s own room, I certainly never had my own room ever (one of 8!) so it’ll just have to be done as sensitively as we can.

It seems odd the 9 year old is holding to the idea their parents might get back together when you’ve been around more than half their lives. Have they said that themselves?

I’ve recently had my first DC and my DSC have been thrilled to bits from the off so we’ve been lucky. We were going to wait as long as possible to tell them so it wouldn’t be too long till the baby arrived but we got the impression my DSD had guessed, we’d had several scans already and we were all going away for a week and I was feeling a bit grim so we told them just before the 12 week scan and they were over the moon. They named the baby on the spot and got really excited about being older siblings. I thought they might get bored till the baby was here but they got very involved in picking names, buying babygros, coming up with ideas for things it would need. We let them take the lead, it’s obviously big news and DH made sure he had time with them on their own to talk about anything they might be worrying about. In the end it turned out to just be stuff like what would happen if I went into labour and we had to go into hospital while they were over, so we had a friend on standby which they were happy with. We wanted them to meet the baby ASAP and they did two days after she was born as soon as I was out of recovery, so not as quick as we’d have liked but you have to be flexible. DH got them from school and they came to the hospital for a couple of hours which was lovely.

In terms of telling them, we just sat them down and said we had some news and I was pregnant. Tried not to make it a massive deal and kept it factual and asked if they had any questions. I’ll remember it as one of my favourite moments but we didn’t know what to expect and I’d had several sleepless nights worrying about how to do it right!

Congratulations

That’s absolutely heartbreaking daftgeranium, I’m so very sorry for your loss and how your DP behaved, that’s shocking

@Annelovesgilbert, thank you for sharing. It’s goid to hear such positive stories. I do really hope we can navigate this to a good ending.

As I said, their DM is a bit unstable. After OH left her 7yrs ago, she immediately changed back to her maiden name. She attempted several times to change the children’s names as well but the boy actually outright said he didn’t want to.
Last summer, she decided to change her name back to her married name. So she’s now Mrs DH again. Which is up to her, she can do that!! And she wants to have the same name as her children so it’s fair enough. Apparently they all had a lovely meal out to celebrate that, according to DSD9.
Since then, DSD has claimed in peculiar circumstances that she thinks her dad will move back to their house once he leaves the army. I think it is some fantasy from her 9yo imagination. But I’m not convinced that she isn’t being fed stories... The DM has told the children that DH left ‘them’ because he was in the Army. DH has always been clear with them that he doesn’t live with them because he and mummy no longer love each other and they can’t live together but that he loves the children very much etc etc. They’ve not had an issue with that until last year. It’s very frustrating. But we can’t do much because they don’t see DH very often any more...they have busy social lives at their mother’s.

sessy19 I get on extremely well with my 2 step children. I've been in their lives now for 21 years. They treat their 'half' siblings in both families as full siblings - all 4 parents do. But when they were quite small ( about 6 and 9) and our shared dad was 3 or 4 they suggested that their mum and new partner should buy the house next door, I should move in with their step dad and then their mum could move back in with their dad. They had clearly thought about this plan for a while! But they also don't really remember me and the step dad not being part of their lives. We each get Mother's Day/ Father's Day gifts with no prompting from birth parents. I think all kids secretly wish their parents would get back together

@Sooverthemill, my own parents are divorced and I know that, despite watching my mother being physically abusive to my father over and over, putting in hospital several time, I STILL wished for mummy and daddy to live happily ever after together. Even after the arrival of my beautiful fairy stepmother, with whom I have the most amazing relationship, and always did. I just wanted a ‘normal’ family. So I totally understand. But it does eat a whole into ones relationship with ones stepchildren if they are going on about that at the dinner table, whilst speaking about me as if I wasn’t even in the room. Despite correction from DH

Hole*

sessy18 I totally get that especially as you've had similar experience. Kids can be cruel, often without thinking, and I hope this doesn't spoil your pregnancy. It's such a special time

After reading different stories, the kids' reactions are so different that maybe you can try to let of go of expectations and fears and just go with the flow.
My SS were 16 and 14 when they found out from their mother, who was not supposed to tell them until I reached 3 months) that I was pregnant. One of them told SD (10), despite asking me not to tell her before 3 months. It didn't go at all as planned, but the boys were happy. SD was neutral, but became happy as the pregnancy progressed. They were all impatient to meet the new brother (SD wanted a sister and was slightly dissapointed). Normally, nobody expected my DP to have another child, but it didn't traumatize anybody.

When he was born, the youngest SS and SD became competitive about the baby. With SS, it passed fast, he got very busy with his friends and only came once every couple of months, but whenever he and the oldest SS come, they play with my now 18 month old. My son would cry every time he saw them (tall guys with big hair lol), but that didn't discourage them.
SD became a bit overinvolved, even competed with me and my older son, which wasn't pleasant for us, but it's better now. My own, now 11 y old son, also loves him and plays with him despite being into video games.
So, overall, everything is going well.
I have a friend who was a single mother with 2 girls, when she met someone and she became pregnant with a third one, the oldest would say that they don't need another child. She loves her now, so I guess, negative first reaction shouldn't discourage you.
Anyway, you can not control what other people will feel, but I hope that it goes well for you.
About bedrooms, we have the same problem, except that SD (12) comes EOW and my son(11) is here 100%. For now, little one is with us and I'm still not clear how we're going to go about it. I would say, deal with one issue at the time. Maybe, one of the kids will be happy to share with the toddler (ours don't mind) or won't mind the transformed dining room. And there's nothing traumatizing about sharing a bedroom with a sibling if they get along well.

@Anuta, thank you. It doesn’t help that this is such an emotional time due to the hormones, but it really does help that you give such a pragmatic point of view 😊

This worked for us :

If u have your DSC EOW tell the ExW at the same time as the children ie at pick up or text just before/after u speak to the kids.

This ensures she has the same notice as the kids, but doesn't have the opportunity to tell them before u or influence their reaction.

Do you spend quality 1-2-1 time with the 9 yo? As she’s the baby of the family she will find all of this the hardest and absolutely needs to get to know you better as a non-parental friend figure. Take her out somewhere regularly just the two of you as a routine (even if it’s just 30mins to the shops / park), and carry this on after the baby is born too. Also get her involved with the baby everywhere possible.

@Teddy We did do, for years. She loved coming shopping, helping with my horses, walking the dog with me...we’d do hair and make up. But in the last 9mths or so, she doesn’t even acknowledge my existence most weekends she visits. She talks about me as if I’m not in the room. I think she’s developed a really strong loyalty bind to her mother and she’s also growing her own opinions. I’ve stopped trying to encourage anything together now because it actually just started getting awkward! She just wants her dad. They kids only come for one night a fortnight now, their mum decided after 5yrs that she misses them too much if they come for two nights and that’s the only change that we can pinpoint in that timeframe. It’s so frustrating. We really do try. 😔

He doesnt see them much does he? with a mum with mental health issues [hmmm] doesnt sound like he's that bothered about them really.. as you'd think he woudl have more contact not less if that was the case...

not surprised they don't want much of relationship with you ....they probably feel quite abandoned

I woudlnt tell tehm tell you are at least 12 weeks, but expect tehm to be upset ....and he should tell them and you should be in the background and able to disappear if tehy want time and space etc...

do not present it as exciting /joy for them and 'big brother/sister' baby clothes type stuff - they are likely to be very upset and feel more abandoned...and they lose their bedroom as well....great news...

could you extend/loft or something -or you use the non used downstairs room ? leave them something that is theirs.....

Avery aren't you a positive ray of sunshine.....

maybe not a ray of sunshine- but unfortunately realistic...

lots of Ex DW have 'mental health' issues .....and the DH/new partners response is not to support the DC more ...but to see/do the minimum and then wonder as the kids get older why they are not so keen....and then be delighted when their dad has a 'new baby' to play with...

hey if that doesnt happen in this circumstance great ......but thinking about how it may 'feel' to the existing children isn't going to hurt..