How would you feel about having stepchildren full time?

[chooco19]

Exactly that.at the age they are now, if their mother/father wanted to hand them over. WWYD? And how would you feel
Thanks

I do.

It’s hard, a massive adjustment on every side and in our case it’s been a battle with the other parent.

However, it works and I’m just glad we’ve been able to provide a safe home for the children.

I'm not an SM, but I've been a stepchild and my son has an SM.

My opinion is, when you choose to live with the child's parent, you do that in the knowledge that one day you may have end up having them full time for one reason or another. If you can't.

If that thought makes you uncomfortable, don't move in, etc.

They're not handing them over are they? It's their other parent, parenting.

Handing them over?

Wouldn’t bother me. We already have her 60% of the time anyway.

I was a step patent for 8 years and found it tougher than I had thought. No kids myself.
XH felt guilty about his child all the time and in my opinion spoilt him and undermined his mother's routine etc. He didn't want any more kids he decided so we divorced.
His son is now in his 20s and hasn't done as well as his dad and apparently his dad is disappointed.. it's all quite sad really.
So it didn't work out for me. I'd be reluctant to try again with someone else tbh and also to let another man into my children's lives.

Personally I think it would be easier than having them part-time as there would be expectations about behaviour and and attitudes if it was their full time home that just aren’t there when DSCs are seen as ‘guests’ or have to adjust between the rules at two different homes. I’d also find life a lot easier without DP’d ex playing such a large role in his life, which I guess would be the case if she relinquished her parental role. The chance of building a proper blended family seems to be much higher when everyone is a full time member of the family and there aren’t different levels of being involved.

I’d prefer that they didn’t live here full time. DH works shifts and goes away on business / training trips so I’d be doing a majority of it on my own but if it had to happen then I’d just have to get on with it.

Before I had my own DD I always thought having DSD full time would be great, I do still think that but I know that it would also be a lot harder than I previously imagined as step parenting every other weekend had not prepared me for full time parenting and even my DH admits that it’s very different living with a child full time.
Having said all that I’d be very happy if DSD lived with us full time although I’d be really sad for her if it was because her mum didn’t want her as it’d be emotionally devastating for her

This happened to my partner. Kids fulltime due to social services having concerns with mum.
Sadly it was something I couldn't cope with and moved out. But got lots of stick for not supporting him.
I have my kids to put first and blending the families had worked very well due to his children have no morals and values. Which was the parents fault not the childs.
However I wasn't ready to waste time bringing up someone elses kids.
Sad but was honest

• Blended families had NOT worked for us

I'm not sure I could be a full on mother to somebody else's children.
I might feel different in that position, but imagine it to be hard work and taking someone special to cope.

We have SD full time. There are very different challenges to seeing her once or twice per week. In our case after very turbulent adjustment period we are fine. She has minimal contact with her mother and this has made a huge difference and allowed us to become a family without interference. Her mother is a special type of toxic who was putting staff into her daughters head(like he doesn't care about you now that he has a new wife, she doesn't want you around, their baby is replacing you, you are not wanted etc etc etc - major BS but caused a lot of damage when SD was 13) and trying to alienate her from her dad. It backfired on her.

SD is going to uni in September and I will miss her. My son, her half brother, loves her and I'm so glad they have this opportunity to be developinga real relationship. If she never moved in with us and stayed with her mother it wouldn't have happened.

I think I agree with @poppingoff. When you start a relationship with someone with kids, I think you do need to be willing to have the stepkids anything up to all the time. Blended families are not easy, but I have chosen to get into this.

My BF has kids. We don't live together and he doesn't have primary residency. But if we were living together, I would be completely willing to have them all the time. Or to support him in having them 50-50 or whatever. After all, I have DS2 11 nights out of every 14 and I'd be expecting my BF to live with that (which would be tough for him, since he's only got his kids 5 nights out of every 14, or more when his work schedule allows it, and really misses them when he doesn't have them).

I might agree with @RagingWhoreBag too, that it may well be easier than having them part-time because you can have consistent rules and expectations.

I’d give it my best shot. As I did with my full time step daughter.

However be very clear why they are being ‘handed over’. As you will become a default parent, no matter what anyone wants or says, that is the reality. Either that or watch a child do what they like in your home and keep quiet. If your partner is a great, structured parent this bodes well. If not, problems!

Bluntly, anybody who wouldn't be okay with their partner's kids living with them, has no business moving in with / marrying a parent. I see too many posts on MN from selfish people who just don't get that.

I’d prefer to have them with us ft. One of them has said he would too and it’s something we’ll continue to think about as they get older. The other worries about mum being on her own and is subject to particular guilt trips and emotional blackmail and it would be difficult to split them up but we’d both love to have them all the time especially now we (very recently) have one together.

Interesting question OP. Honestly? I really don't know. In some ways I think it'd be easier - no more broken plans with DSD as ex goes back on their agreements over certain dates such as holidays being cancelled or cut short etc due to her mother saying she is having her back early or just plain keeping her, no more different rules in another house the majority of the time. But then in other ways I think it would be harder as selfishly I enjoy our couples only time, there'd be a big transition phase where I think DSD would breakdown over not seeing her Mum as much / at all, there'd still be contact to navigate as even if Mum walked out completely I know grandparents would still want to see her.

I suppose as well it means do you mean full time in the sense that ex never saw them or do you mean ex saw them say every other weekend but the vast majority of the time they're with you?

We had one come to live with us about full time a few years back. Prior to that he and his sister were both here about 2/3 of the time but in theory still in their mum's care. That worked less well - lots of things got dropped and no-one was on top of their lives.

DSS being entirely with us was quite a change and I did at times miss having any time with just me and my own kids. But overall it went really well. He's the DSC I'm closest to now and really feel like I'm his parent. He's doing really well for himself now (at uni) and I'm really proud of how well he did once he moved in with us.

Only younger DSS2 is still at home now and moving in with us has been discussed, due to his mum wanting to move house. She decided to rent a flat for a couple of years in the end though. DH was a little disappointed I think, as he'd have liked DSS to live with us full time (we already have him every weekend). But I was quite happy about not doing tbh. Unlike DSS1, he's getting on ok with his mum so there's no pressing reason to.

It is quite a change having them with you full time - as teens there's lots of things they need support with that you have to pick up as their primary carer. Those tend to fall on me as DH works longer hours and I'm the one who's better at it. I don't think all men who are used to having the kids at weekends realise what being the main carer really means in practice.

Have Sent you a message

I didn't want to take full time responsibility for my DH's children when we got together.

As a PP has said, being with someone who has children, there is always the possibility that the children can end up living with you at any point.

I am well prepared for this but truthfully, deep down, I hope it does not happen. That said, I think a lot of the current issues we have would potentially straighten out if we had them full time and in some ways life would be easier than it is now with the constant back and forth.

Been there, got the t-shirt, dss 16 moved in with us and it almost destroyed the whole family. He is now back with his dm and now has a much worse relationship than before with both his dad and me.

In hindsight we all should have done a lot of things differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It may be easier with younger children - I don't know - but ground rules for everyone need establishing from the start, plus expectations of roles and responsibilities.

There is a humongous difference between eow and living somewhere full time.

I think a lot of the problem with sdcs is that for 2/3 days per 14 (generally speaking) a bunch of people who aren't used to living together have to live together. Df isn't used to living ft with his dc, sm isn't used to living ft with his dc, any dc living in the house ft have to accommodate other kids moving in eow & the sdc have to leave their ft environment & stay with a bunch of people who live together all the time but not with them.
Written down like that it seems obvious that major problems would ensue.
I could cope with having my sdc ft but ONLY if I was allowed apply my rules & parenting style. I genuinely don't mean that to sound harsh or fascist, but honestly, how else could it work? If one of my nephews was spending regular time with me I know the first thing my sister would be saying to him is "Magda's house, Magda's rules". It would never work if my sister was interfering & telling me what I was or wasn't allowed say or do.
I honestly don't think I could have my years of (pretty successful) parenting undermined by having my kids watch me having to treat sdc's differently just because they're sdc's. I think they would lose a huge amount of respect for me.

Stepdad here and we have them 12 days out of 14. I think it's easier. I've had a chance to bond with them in a way that wouldn't be possible otherwise. In the earlier days their dad would often not be mentally up for taking them, so they were pretty much full time.

He's completely reliable now and takes them out on the odd extra evening as well, but I think inside I'd hate it if they went 50/50. I miss them on his weekends, however blissfully peaceful they are!

If they were only with us every other weekend or something I'm not sure I'd have the same depth of feeling for them, in all honesty.