How would you feel about having stepchildren full time?

[chooco19]

Exactly that.at the age they are now, if their mother/father wanted to hand them over. WWYD? And how would you feel
Thanks

My OH and I aren’t married, but we’ve been together 10 years this year. His son is 11 this year so he’s always been in our equation before we had our own two girls.
We have him every weekend Fri-Sun (overnight), Thursday evening and he stops over during the week on the odd occasion too. We go on holiday every year for a week or two and we don’t go without him.
We have a good relationship, we have banter, and he listens to me and does what I ask him to (he listens to me more than his dad actually look. He’s not treated any different to the girls; this house is all of our home.
I can honestly say that I wouldn’t mind him living here FT at all. He’s already got his own room, wardrobe full of clothes, his own tablet, TV, Xbox etc so it wouldn’t be a huge difference! I know that OH would love him to be here all the time too, he’s said before he wishes he could just be here when he’s home from work. OH’s dad passed away just before his son was born, and he lived quite far away so didn’t see him as often as he wanted to. His death has massively affected him ever since and he’s always been a really hands on dad making sure he’s always there for all of them.

Personally I think it would be easier than having them part-time as there would be expectations about behaviour and and attitudes if it was their full time home that just aren’t there when DSCs are seen as ‘guests’ or have to adjust between the rules at two different homes.

^^This. It's incredibly hard to create an environment that is viewed by stepchildren as 'home' when they spend the majority of their time elsewhere (I.e. the place they call 'home'). I think stepchildren living under your roof entitles step parents to have much more say in everyday matters than they are otherwise permitted.

It it soooo much easier !!
We have DHs eldest 2 who elected to come via a cafcass thoughts and wishes determination during the humptieth hearing for contact enforcement.
Out time was continually manipulated by DH ex. Impossible to plan things and incredibly unfair on the dcs and DH.
Also for me it gives me a stronger footing with them. I don't care what all the idiots who don't actually live the live of a step mother say - the NRP home is NOT THEIR HOME !!!. It is a place they visit, with an overnight bag, two nights a fortnight. NOW they are at home with us. Their stuff/friends/clothes/gp, club & sport registrations are here.

Now they are no longer precious guests I am quite able to say 'put your cereal bowl in the dishwasher and make your bed' - without DH worrying that they will never want to visit again !

Honestly I think I would struggle. DP has three lovely children but going from no kids to three overnight would be hard.

The dynamics of the kids moving to us would be very difficult as they are so close to their mother so there would be huge issues if they could not live with her.

Heaven forbid if something happened to their mother and she was no longer around then of course we would care for them full time.

I would offer as much love, patience and support as I could.

It wouldn't work for me and I know I would be resentful of losing the little time my partner and I have together and also will our 1 year old alone. Dont get me wrong I have a great relationship with his 3 kids (16/13/12) but it's EOW and tea once a week at ours with spilt holidays. I know this will face a lot of criticism but its honest and people do struggle to be honest when it comes to step kids for fear of judgement!

So what would you do songbird if it happens?

*It just wouldn't work for me
*
That's it? You'd just split up?

Well we have a child together so no obviously I wouldn't just break up, I am just saying It would put massive strain on the relationship and would I be happy with it. No. Just to be clear I am talking about if their mother just decided they were to live with us not due to a death of course as that is very different.

Just so I'm a little clearer on my situation, I do have a good relationship with the 3, for instance its DSD 13th birthday this weekend and she has chosen to host it with us for the big friend cinema/bowling sleepover event which I'm going all out for and looking forward too.its DSS 17th in August and I have already arranged a car through my work for him as a surprise. So in no way do I not care about these children nor do I expect my partner to treat his kids any differently from out son. (Just to add the 17th isn't biological his either but thats another story) of their mother heaven forbid died then it wouldn't be a question and I would have to try my very best to make it work. The question was if the other parent just decided they would live full time with you above gone with my reaction to that situation. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Going all out for parties and arranging cars isn't really what makes a great relationship . Especially if you then resent the fact that you would no longer get as much time alone with your husband and baby if they had to stay with you because their mother couldn't cope/didn't want them.

Your post comes very much across as you want the brownie points for all the good bits, but if the shit hits the fan, well, no, "that wouldn't work for you".

I do SD 12 lives with us as BM is an addict she does now stay at BM a couple nights a week as BM is clean atm but I do all her care and it sucks tbh as I have my own children and work

If anyone is reading this do not marry a man who promises he’ll do his child’s care and then doesn’t as it never change speaking from experience

I wouldn't be thrilled but I would do it, for my DP. I think it would be really hard, I have DC of my own. They get on well but full-time might be a different thing altogether.

My DP had full residency when I moved in, so we spent well over a year making sure it was the right decision before we actually did it.
2 and a half years later, I am essentially a full time parent. I would infinitely prefer this to being a nrp, we have consistency and a proper relationship.

I do think any stepparent should be prepared for a child to live with them full time, in any event, it might happen.

I've worked very hard to have a good relationship with my step children.

I love having DSS full time although it was hard for both of us at the start.
SS stepped in ( DSS Mum called them herself) and gave DH custody , when DSS was 11 DH was offered an opertunity of a life time but meant he'd be out of the country for 6 months of the year - we as a family decided we could do this and I was granted legal guardian of DSS!
So for 6 months of the year it is just DS, DSS and I, its fab

This can happen to any family and anyone marrying a parent should make their peace with the eventuality or not go through with the marriage. Because parents can die, or get very ill so they’re unable to care for their children, etc...

My DSS lived with us from the age of 11, not going to say it was all plain sailing because it wasn't it was hard work, but wouldn't have had it any other way he needed a stable home or he was heading down the wrong path, he stayed with us until he got married at 24, he's a happily married man with a daughter.

@poppingoff

No brownies points at all, just an acknowledge on my part that I do make effort and I am involved and also I might add well liked by my SC. We do not have a parent / child relationship due to the age I came into their lives being they bit older than most. However yes you are correct it wouldn't work for me if I had the choice and as I said this WAS NOT an illness/death situ

It happened to us recently, very suddenly and with no notice. DH's ex died, heart attack. Overnight we had teen DSS with full time.

Not only are we all having to adjust as a family (my DC live with us FT and DSS was here 60% of the time) but also deal with a child who is mourning his mother. It is hard for everyone, but there is no choice, we have to get on with it.