Stepson care

[jacs445]

We have my partners son every weekend, from Friday afternoon until late Sunday evening. My partner works away during the week and I also work full time in the week.
I'm writing this as I feel it's not only unfair on us but unfair on my step son. We never get to spend any time on our own and my step son pines for his mother all weekend as he doesn't really get to see her in the week either due to her workload. Whilst I do love having him around, I'm also starting to resent his mother for not spending quality time with him. She also has a elder daughter from a previous relationship before she met my partner and she is now asking if we will also have this child at the weekend. At first I didn't mind as my partner did bring her daughter up for a little while but now I feel she is taking the Mickey! I am writing this as for the first time on months me and my partner arranged to have a weekend together with no children and we gave her plenty of notice, she now has guilt tripped my partner into having the children by saying she now has to work, so the plans we had are now cancelled. I feel so sorry for my step son as when he is at my house he is constantly asking for his mother. My partner is also very soft with him and allows him to jump on the furniture, have a late bedtime and doesn't really discipline him. He is 6 and a half and cant use a knife and fork. I have spent lots of time trying and it's so frustrating as I think I'm not his parent but I'm the only one that notices this! I have mentioned this to my partner but he is so laid back about this. Sorry to go on but I needed to vent! All I would like is the odd night with my partner as he works away and for my stepson to have quality time with his own mother and also for my stepson to have some boundaries in my house. I feel I'm fighting a losing battle!

Surely, the usual arrangement is EOW, not every weekend? I'm sorry for that poor boy. It sounds as though his mum doesn't really want him - and she doesn't want the daughter either! It must be so inconvenient for her! I would certainly not agree to have the girl (that woman is a CF!)

Can you have eow and one mid week day? Does the mother's work pattern include weekends?

First up is getting your partner to parent his son. If you’re thinking of having kids with this man look closely at how he parents the child he currently has. Is the contact court ordered? I think the parents need a conversation about access. I’d miss my son if he was gone every weekend.

I have a similar situation in that we have DSS every weekend and all school holidays. DSS is only little atm, so in order to get a little time to ourselves DP mum babysits while DSS is in bed once a month - this could be something worth considering if you have family support? I appreciate you may not be that lucky though!

I really sympathises with you as it’s so hard on everybody involved - just know you’re not alone!

My partner works during away during the week so two nights a week isn't possible. We do have him in the week when my partner is off work though.
Thank you for all your comments, it has pushed me to talk to my partner and I've called him today and we have spoken about his son having more boundaries when he is here, I've told him it really annoys me that hes allowed to jump on the furniture and maybe he should have some basic chores whilst he is here to teach him some responsibility. My partner actually listened for one and it didn't end in an argument so hopefully that side of things will improve.

We have the same, DSC (4 of them!) always came every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening. They're a bit older now so only one left at home.

DH agreed to this setup when he divorced as I think he was sad about missing his kids and wanted to see as much as possible of them. His ex had a new partner and always seemed to see the kids as her job that she deserved a break from at weekends so I guess that's how it started. The routine was well established when I met DH so I didn't feel it was my place to question it. DH did realise the need for us to have a bit of time together though so we did have the odd weekend away, which his ex was ok about it. I think it is absolutely not on for your DP to pull out on a planned weekend because his ex wants to work. She can ask, and he can say no.

But the other thing I've become increasingly aware of over the time with the every weekend routine is that as kids get older it's really not in their best interest either. Only one of the DSC has what you could call a good relationship with his mum. The others aren't close, one of them to the point that things broke down completely and he moved in with us full-time and hardly saw his mum for a year. The heart of the problem is I think that since they are out the house from 8am to 5pm, then do homework and sleep. They don't get any relaxed time with their mum, and no time to do things like uni applications together, or and leisure time. I don't think it's really possible to be on top of teenagers lives of they only half live with you. And DH didn't really see himself as the person who ought to be on top of their lives either so a lot of things fell through the cracks.

EOW works much better for most people I think, but how you persuade your DP of that without sounding like you don't want the kids around I don't know. I'd stick to your demands for a few weekends a year. Do not let these be sabotaged. And try to make a bit of time together in the week, catching up with work or housework at the weekend instead. And get a babysitter at the weekend sometimes so you can get out together.

So just to clarify, your DP works away all week, then comes home, his DC join you, but he leaves you to do all the parenting?

Do you also do the cooking, cleaning & washing too?

What exactly are you getting from this relationship? It sounds like you've fallen into the trap of being his house-keeper/nanny.

Is there any way he could get a new job locally, be there in the week, have the kids mid-week and EOW instead?

He needs to step up as a parent, but he also needs to step up as a partner. I'm genuinely struggling to see the positives in your relationship with him.

I'm writing this as I feel it's not only unfair on us but unfair on my step son
It's not unfair on anyone. There are so many posts here with SMs supporting their partner to have their kids more often, 50/50 or even full residency. Your OH has his son 2 out of 5 days, there is nothing unfair about it. He might miss his mum but who says he wouldn't miss his dad if the roles were reversed?

As for it being unfair to you, I can understand that you would feel desperate for more time alone with your oh but if that was the arrangement in place when you met him, it wasn't imposed on you, you chose to go with it. What is not fair is to think it would be fair to demand a change just to suit you. If you miss your OH much, which I can understand, could he look for a job more local so that you can spend the week together? Could he sometimes ask his family to look after your ss occasionally? Do you arrange holidays just the two of you?

This wasn't the arrangement when we met. He would have him one night and one day every weekend. It's only since we have moved in together that it has now been every weekend, all weekend and just recently the daughter aswell.

Why has the arrangement changed since you moved in?

How did he have him during the week when he worked away?

I think this weekend your DP, should have said no...that he has prebooked plans.

Going forwards...this child is only 6... do you really want this to be your life?

Think about it. No time together as a couple...then she has the cheek to ask you to have her other child!

It sounds like too much baggage and not a relationship I'd want to be in.

I would also tell him to stop jumping on the furniture as soon as he does it.

We are an every weekend family as well and the children do resent their mum somewhat as they feel she doesn't want to spend time with them.

I agree with swing that it’s not unfair on you. Having children means that you potentialy have to parent those children 24/7, and if you get together with someone who has children then you have to adjust to the fact that they are a parent 24/7 as those children come as part of the deal. There is no such thing as being entitled to spend time together just the two of you, he has a child and as such that’s the deal.

Also, plenty of single mothers have their children full-time with no support from the father and as such those children don’t get to spend time with their fathers either.

Where the mum is being unreasonable is wanting your DH to have her other child as well as his own, and where your DH is being unreasonable is not disciplining his child, but that has nothing to do with the child, it has to do with the kind of parent he is, and if you have a child together this is how that child would also be parented.

Personally if you can’t handle having his child every weekend then you need to walk away. It is absolutely unreasonable to ask that this not happen in order that you spend time together as a couple. The rest needs to be between your H and his ex.

He didn't have him in the week, he had him one night and one day at the weekend, which left one night free.
It's a difficult situation and I can see why some parents do think the children should stay here every weekend but I am also allowed a life so I do not think I am being unreasonable by wanting one night to ourselves occasionally and for the mother to spend quality time with her children.
I do need to say something though as at the moment I feel like a unpaid cleaner and nanny, plus half the time when the children are here I do feel invisible. I love my partner but sometimes I think he is oblivious to my feelings.

You need to separate how you feel about the amount of time your partner has his son from how your partner behaves when he is home.

It really isn't much to spend 2 nights a week with a parent. But during that time he needs to be a proper parent and do all the work that entails.

He really needs to look at this lifestyle and commitments though as he isn't making this work and can't realistically see his child less than he is.

If the dad works away eow would mean 12 days with mum and 2 wih dad? How is that fair? Your ds misses his mother because he isnt used to being with his dad.

You shouldn't resent her. She does all the nights. All the mornings. All the bad dreams.

Can you do Friday to Sunday one week and Friday to Saturday the next

Does DM contribute to the food and entertainment of the daughter each weekend?

Could you tell your DH that you miss having some alone time with him? And ask him: can we find a solution? Nothing about the ex manipulating him so that he doesn't get defensive. And see what he says. A relationship is not just about the kids, if the adults don't take care of their relationship, it will suffer, and nothing good will come out for the kids either.
About your SS, unfortunately, you can not force the mother to want to spend more time with him. My ex abandoned my son and no matter how many times, I wrote to him asking to communicate more with him (I even forgot about the money that he hasn't sent in years), he would make an effort once and then stop calling for months. At some point, the child gets used to it. It's sad but it's like that.
About him jumping on the furniture, if it's your furniture, you have the right to tell him to stop. Is it because he has a lot of energy and your DH doesn't take him to play outside?
About not using the fork and the knife, let it go.
Identify your needs in this relationship and concentrate on them, not so much on what the ex does. Try to see how your needs can be met in this relationship and talk to your DH.

To me it sounds like this situation requires a change of job rather than childcare arrangements, because you're not seeing enough of your partner.

Not in agreement with the idea that EOW would be better/ more normal. Unless kids want to change the arrangement as they get older, this sounds like the closest to 50/50 that is possible at the moment... doesn't feel like the answer should be for dad to miss out on seeing son

"You need to separate how you feel about the amount of time your partner has his son from how your partner behaves when he is home.

It really isn't much to spend 2 nights a week with a parent. But during that time he needs to be a proper parent and do all the work that entails.

He really needs to look at this lifestyle and commitments though as he isn't making this work and can't realistically see his child less than he is."

This

I feel like a unpaid cleaner and nanny
Sounds to me like tjhis is exactly why he changed the set-up once you moved on - he can now pretend he's the best dad ever without taking on the full responsibility that comes with having the kids over every weekend.

I suggest you start leaving the childcare and associated workload to him to manage and go out with your friends/do your own thing.
He'll change it to a more reasonable set up once he realises you refuse to be his unpaid servant.

You knew he had a child when you forged a relationship with him children aren’t work or hobbies they are both parents responsibilities and his father is as responsible of his child’s care as is the mother.
My step daughter 12 loves wiyu us her mother has addictions and I do everything for her and my husband and work and have my own children
Sorry but your partner can’t have days off for weekends away he wanted a child he has to step up and be that father the child deserves
You need to think what’s best for your future and tbh it doesn’t sound like this family unit is- what if the mom passed away or didn’t want him anymore you’d then have him live with you and that’s 7 days a week 7 nights a week and all holidays
If you need a life of no children you need to choose a man with none
Sorry to sound harsh but parenting is full on and the child’s knows you begrudge him they are clever
The step child that is common for some too

With regard to you doing everything

STOP

Leave your partner to do it all that’s one thing I do feel is wrong the lazy dads that leave us stepmoms to do they're job
I went and got an evening job so I don’t have to do all the clearing up dinner I cook for everyone before I leave for work

Thanks for the messages.
I've now come to the realisation that its not the amount of time my step son stays that's the issue, it's the fact that I'm doing everything!
Things have got progressively worse since my last message. My partner is on annual leave at the moment and we had a massive row last night. I've literally been getting home from work to find my house a mess and nothing has been done. I've started to spend a lot of time alone in my bedroom just to get some space. I have asked my partner for help around the house but washing up after dinner is as far as it goes. I'm now picking up after both my partner and my stepson. I'm so fed up, I'm starting to plan for a future without my partner as I cant continue like this, it's so one sided! I feel like crying all the time. I'm sorry to rant on, I just feel like a servant and my partner does not see it as an issue when we argued last night and I said he doesn't help, he said I need to get a grip because theres more to life than 2 minute shitty jobs round the house. I said if they're 2 minute shitty jobs why cant you just do them! We are not speaking now and I'm really not looking forward to going home this evening.

My step daughters usually spend the last weekend of the month with their mum. One weekend a month? Do you think DsS’s mum would accept an arrangement in which you guys have one weekend “off” a month to go away for the weekend of whatever? X