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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dislike step child, need some advice

38 replies

l1985 · 14/03/2019 12:49

Hi there, I’m hoping for some advice! I’ve spent months googling the internet and even considered seeing a therapist on this subject, but was hoping to get some advice from you all. I’m 33 years old and have 2 sons 10 and 12 from a previous marriage, and have a 12 month old with my now wonderful husband. My husband also has 2 daughters from a previous marriage (who don’t live with us) the youngest being 4. He has been a fantastic step dad and dad to our baby but I really struggle with his youngest daughter. His eldest daughter who is 10 is actually brilliant, laid back and quirky. I would say that I love her like I do my own. His youngest is to put it bluntly a spoilt brat. I know she’s only 4 soon to be 5, and I feel horrible for saying this but she’s hard work. She’s sly, jealous of the baby, won’t share, finds it difficult to play and needs attention constantly. she’s demanding, refuses to say please or thankyou and has screaming tantrums if she doesn’t get her own way. On the weekends we do have all of them the 3 eldest are brilliant. She however exhausts me. My husband has a guilt complex with her as he left when she was so young, so tends to let her get away with murder. I think I also struggle to bond with her because I can’t get my head around the fact that he decided to have a child and leave so soon after. He actually said it wasn’t working with his ex, but he didn’t want his eldest to be an only child! She was a result of him convincing his ex to have another. A child born for the wrong reasons he now says. And then we met and i felt irritated by her straight away. Perhaps it was the idea that he and his ex had been having sex and had a baby only 1.5 year before we met. I was besotted by my husband instantly so the idea of him with someone else makes my skin crawl.
I know how I feel is wrong but I really can’t help it. As soon as she walks through the door I’m irritated and find excuses not to be around her. I have tried but I just can’t bond with her. My husband does know to some extent how I feel as I have said I’ve struggled more with her, but the idea of having to spend the rest of my life feeling like this is torture. It’s not fair on anyone.
Has anyone else been in this situation and things have got better?
Thanks x

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 14/03/2019 12:52

You will get a lot of people telling you that you are awful and should leave your husband etc etc I am sure - I am bemused often at how people react to step parents. You step daughter is at an awkward age, you’ve just had a baby and by your own admission, your husbands parenting of her is not adequate. It’s a time issue, plenty of time and calm reactions to her tantrums. It will get easier

peachgreen · 14/03/2019 12:53

So you hate this child because she's a badly-parented four year old and she reminds you that your husband had sex with someone else over two years before you even met him?

None of that is the child's fault. Get therapy for your own issues with your husband and either accept his parenting style (which, don't forget, has produced an older child that you like) or speak to him about it, being very clear that it's his behaviour you're criticising, not hers. She's FOUR.

HeckyPeck · 14/03/2019 13:38

To be fair, she does sound quite annoying!

Having said that, I think you’re re-directing your annoyance at your husband onto her. You need to acknowledge that whenever you get annoyed and direct it back at him. He needs to step up and parent his kid!

They call it “spoiling” for a reason.

Can you have a conversation with him explaining that the way he is treating her is unfair to her, his other kids and you and it’s making it hard for you to bond with her, which will also be bad for everyone?

If he starts parenting her properly I can guarantee your relationship with her will be better.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 13:41

Have you spoken to your husband about his parenting? Can you pinpoint actions that are inadequate and leading to this behaviour in your DSD? I think it might be worth doing this and looking at it objectively. She’s 4 and there’s still plenty of time to adjust her behaviour. Your husband isn’t doing her any favours if this is an outcome of him spoiling her.

You’ve not long had a baby yourself and it sounds like your house is pretty full. If one child is standing out as being challenging it’s natural that you’re going to get disgruntled with her. Rightly or wrongly!

CanILeavenowplease · 14/03/2019 13:58

so...your dh is amazing yet at the same time you acknowledge how utterly ridiculous it was to leave his ex with a young child and to even want an additional child with a woman he wasn't getting along well with but it's the child's fault? Are you serious?

May be pay the child some attention if she's asking for it? Positive attention rather than the negative stuff she gets when she's kicking off (because some attention is better than no attention). Sharing is a big issue for some children for many years - and she's having to share a half sibling who gets to spend full time with dad whilst she doesn't. See if from her point of view, perhaps? She's 4 years old. She probably doesn't like you very much either.

Bamchic · 14/03/2019 13:58

The poor kid. None of this is her fault, she’s 4!
You’re probably fairly hormonal- she’s a preschooler and your husband is parenting inadequately
Match made in hell to be honest

But you and your DP are adult role models to her. Buck your ideas up and stop avoiding her (that’s going to make her feel shitty) try therapy? Be kind to yourselves but be kind to all your kids including the annoying one too

Bamchic · 14/03/2019 13:59

Also this bit of canIleave’s post

Magda72 · 14/03/2019 14:06

Hi @l1985 - the way I see it is that the person who needs to do the work here is your dh as it's his guilt & subsequent relationship with his youngest that is causing the problem.
4 year olds can be annoying & being irritated by a 4 year old is normal enough. However what you basically have here is an unwanted child & what I mean by that is that this poor kid was conceived as a band aid to your dh's first family & you can be sure that no matter how much she's loved, her mum is going to feel resentful that she was persuaded into having another child by a man who then chose to leave & her dad feels guilty over her mere existence. Subconsciously this child is going to absorb all that & is certainly being treated by your dh accordingly.
If he hasn't already done so your dh is the one who needs to see a therapist to work through the messy ending of his first relationship & so make peace with his actions - he'll never parent this child in an even handed way until he does do & the whole family unit will suffer & the child will suffer the most. As a pp said it's called spoiling for a reason & yes I think your unhappiness at his actions past & present is being projected onto the child. I think if/when your dp takes charge of his parenting you will most likely relax around his dd.
You sound reasonable & throughtful to me, & I don't think some of your feelings are unusual. Tbh I find the though of dp and his ex having sex pretty gross, but not half as gross as the memory of me & my ex having sex lol. I think that's ok & a bit like kids squirming at their parents' pdas.

crosstalk · 14/03/2019 14:11

OP 4 year olds can be very jealous of parental attention when a baby comes along even in the most straightforward family. So pay her attention. Children can also pick up on adult dislike - which seems to come from your own desire to rewrite history and not have your husband having sex with his ex wife 3 years before you met. What's that about?

Cherim90 · 14/03/2019 16:26

I think you need to spend some time with her on your own to build up a bond :) even if it's an hour to the park or something, girls at that age are hard work anyway, she sounds exactly like my 5 year old and my new partner struggles with her because she acts like a spoilt brat who isn't spoilt 😂 you need to get this resentment out of you towards her though because she just needs to be parented and dealt with differently. You both need to be on the same page about parenting, it's so important kids need boundaries and maybe hearing the word no a little more by the sounds of it :) good luck! It gets easier

stuffedpeppers · 14/03/2019 16:56

4 yrs old - you have a 1 yr old so unless you got pregnant on first shag and the first date(!) this poor girl has no memory of Daddy at home she was under 18 months old.

Daddy not present, new family, she will know she is not wanted, new baby gets all the attention and has Daddy all the time and 3 siblings significantly older than her who will not want to play baby games and a parent who now shows her rival attention that she wants.

This Kid is hurting and lonely and demonstrating the only way she knows how at 4 yrs old - that she is unhappy.

Your DP needs to be firm but fair and quite frankly you need to grow up. The comments about sex etc are ridiculous and the child is innocent. Yes you know what he has said about her conception but you do not know the full story. This child needs some firm fair love and attention from everyone concerned - have to say your DP does not come across as a great catch - more like a prize wanker to be honest.

poppingoff · 14/03/2019 18:58

And then we met and i felt irritated by her straight away.

Yet instead of addressing that, you married her dad and had a baby?

So no, not hormones, not about having a full house, or how the dad parents her.

Can't really see much changing for you, to be honest. Which is a shame for her.

daftgeranium · 14/03/2019 19:37

Yet another stepmother who is suffering because her partner isn't stepping up to his parenting responsibilities.
You two need to sort this one out together. You need to work as a unit.
Ignore those others on here who are judging you way too harshly for having to deal with a really difficult and complicated situation.
Talk to your partner and TOGETHER work out ho to sort the problem out. He needs to step up,
Good luck.

stuffedpeppers · 14/03/2019 20:26

sorry this step mother instantly disliked the child - that has nothing to do with the lack of parenting but about someone who needs to look at themselves and their role in this childs life.

She controls her emotions which were instant hate on meeting - quite frnakly that has nothing to do with being a stepmother that has to do with immaturity and petulance in an adult.

Ginger1982 · 14/03/2019 20:40

It makes your skin crawl that he had sex 1.5 years before he met you?

How bizarre.

BoomTish · 14/03/2019 20:41

I can’t get my head around the fact that he decided to have a child and leave so soon after. He actually said it wasn’t working with his ex, but he didn’t want his eldest to be an only child! She was a result of him convincing his ex to have another. A child born for the wrong reasons he now says

So dislike your husband for those awful choices he made. None of that is the child’s fault.

I’d feel very insecure in a relationship with a man who did that.

PerspicaciaTick · 14/03/2019 20:55

I think that slightly older children can have a really tough time coping with the arrival of a new baby. My DD was 4yo when I had DC2 and she regressed in terms of needing attention and being independent. I think the fact that she was also exhausted from starting school didn't help. I dread to think how juggling two homes, lots of new siblings (older and younger) and a stepmother would have excerbated things for her.
Just keep reminding yourself that she is very young, she needs love and consistency and effective parenting by your DH...he is the one you need to tackle, not her.

WrathOfGrapes · 14/03/2019 21:04

So she's only with you on weekends?
Does her mum indulge her in the same way her dad does? If so then this would be very difficult unless the two of you have a surprisingly amicable relationship and are able to discuss her behaviour. If not then you need a serious talk with your DH and you both need to set firmer boundaries together.

Thankssomuch · 14/03/2019 21:13

I once had a step child that I really didn’t like. I tried. But I just couldn’t warm to him. Anyway I left the marriage and it turned out that that was so the right thing to do. This step child was only with us at weekends. Every weekend. I dreaded weekends. But I didn’t have a child with that husband, which is HUGE. Your situation is tricky. Maybe you need to focus or work on the relationship between you and your man and work on the situation together?

Applecrumble79 · 14/03/2019 22:07

She is very young and most likely will grow out this behaviour. I can understand it being difficult for u to tolerate on a weekly basis though. Maybe try and spend some time with her doing some activities.

glitterdayz · 15/03/2019 00:02

Your expressing the irrational thoughts going on in your head which I understand. And I understand that not everyone likes everyone's children, I couldn't stand one of my younger cousins she was so bossy and rude and would talk to adults like they were stupid, never met a child like her.
I also understand that your dp feed you some bs about how this dd came about, because he waited a while to realise he didn't want his dd to be an only child.
You need to work out what the rational issues you have and work with your dp because this dd is your child's sibling and it was foolish of you to create a child with a man who's child you dislike.

Plus on the other hand, if him having and making a baby with his ex bothers you, wouldn't it be the first one that you have a problem with? I mean that dd was made with loving sex

nos123 · 15/03/2019 00:09

So she was only 3 when your baby was born. Presumably, you met her when she was only a baby yet you always struggled with her? No doubt she’s difficult but I think this is more about you than her. Also, it’s really no wonder she’s jealous of the new baby...

Laloup1 · 15/03/2019 11:03

I was to show empathy but you say you think you have issues with her as she reminds you your DP had sex with someone before you. It’s a pity to resent a poor child for being born.
All that said it’s good that you can express your thoughts, even if they shock me a little. Maybe you can find some RL help to work through them.
And, to share from my experience, I travelled through some difficulties with my DSD of same-ish age by love-bombing her. I tell her how pleased i am to spend the weekend with her and how happy I am to see her. And we do things together 1-1 (but not playmobil, anything but playmobil)
It works. She feels more secure with me and so she relaxes and is more easy which makes it so much more pleasurable to spend time with her.

TacoLover · 15/03/2019 18:27

I mean she does sound annoying but she's four. That's what most four year olds are like, as I'm sure you remember. And I do find it a bit weird tbh that you don't like her because it means her dad had sex with someone else 1.5 years before you

Livelovebehappy · 16/03/2019 00:09

She’s four. Your the adult so need to get help for yourself. There’s no other alternative as she will be in your Dhs life forever, so either you live with the situation and spend the rest of your life feeling resentful of her, or you get therapy.

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