Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dislike step child, need some advice

38 replies

l1985 · 14/03/2019 12:49

Hi there, I’m hoping for some advice! I’ve spent months googling the internet and even considered seeing a therapist on this subject, but was hoping to get some advice from you all. I’m 33 years old and have 2 sons 10 and 12 from a previous marriage, and have a 12 month old with my now wonderful husband. My husband also has 2 daughters from a previous marriage (who don’t live with us) the youngest being 4. He has been a fantastic step dad and dad to our baby but I really struggle with his youngest daughter. His eldest daughter who is 10 is actually brilliant, laid back and quirky. I would say that I love her like I do my own. His youngest is to put it bluntly a spoilt brat. I know she’s only 4 soon to be 5, and I feel horrible for saying this but she’s hard work. She’s sly, jealous of the baby, won’t share, finds it difficult to play and needs attention constantly. she’s demanding, refuses to say please or thankyou and has screaming tantrums if she doesn’t get her own way. On the weekends we do have all of them the 3 eldest are brilliant. She however exhausts me. My husband has a guilt complex with her as he left when she was so young, so tends to let her get away with murder. I think I also struggle to bond with her because I can’t get my head around the fact that he decided to have a child and leave so soon after. He actually said it wasn’t working with his ex, but he didn’t want his eldest to be an only child! She was a result of him convincing his ex to have another. A child born for the wrong reasons he now says. And then we met and i felt irritated by her straight away. Perhaps it was the idea that he and his ex had been having sex and had a baby only 1.5 year before we met. I was besotted by my husband instantly so the idea of him with someone else makes my skin crawl.
I know how I feel is wrong but I really can’t help it. As soon as she walks through the door I’m irritated and find excuses not to be around her. I have tried but I just can’t bond with her. My husband does know to some extent how I feel as I have said I’ve struggled more with her, but the idea of having to spend the rest of my life feeling like this is torture. It’s not fair on anyone.
Has anyone else been in this situation and things have got better?
Thanks x

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/03/2019 01:13

How incredibly cruel convincing his Ex to have another baby, knowing he was going to leave her. I don't suppose he was honest and told her it wasn't working, but she should have another baby?

Why does he think she would have been an only child? His Ex could have gone on to meet someone else and have more kids.

The last thing she would have thought when he was convincing her to have another baby, is that he was going to leave.

That leaves her as a single mum of 2. Left with a baby, when it would have just been a 6 year old to manage. She was left with all the hard work during the baby phase!

You need to question why you continued the relationship, knowing how sneaky he was. I'm sure he wouldn't want any man to do to jus DDs, what he did to his Ex. I'm sorry, but I couldn't love or respect such a man.

Perhaps her mum is equally unhappy and found bonding an issue, considering she was tricked into it.

Poor child.

Waterfred · 16/03/2019 01:18

Were you the OW?

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/03/2019 01:14

Your DH convinced his ex wife to have a baby knowing full well he was likely going to leave her?

What an absolute bastard.

Only a matter of time before he does the same to you

swindy · 19/03/2019 01:27

I never ever comment like this but fuck me. You are horrible

PurpleThistles · 19/03/2019 01:42

I read an interesting article today OP. I am pregnant just now and have been experiencing that 'instantly irritated' feeling often, not towards a child but just generally irritated. I was looking for advice on how to stop basically.

The chap that wrote the article pointed out that if we stop just for second, and work out why we feel irritated or angry, most of the time its for selfish reasons. For example, if you are stuck in traffic, you can become irritated because YOU are stuck, never mind other people, YOU shouldnt have to wait, YOU have places you need to be etc.

Chap is also a parent and mentions a time when he was having a shouting match with his teenager when the door went. He answered it and switched into nice, polite, calm, rational parent answering door mode, split seconds after shouting! If he was capable of switching from being very angry, to calm and polite just like that, then he knew he could control his irritation and anger if he really wanted to.

So my point here is that this is a 4 year old child. She cant fit in with the elder three and is too old to fit in with the baby. You absolutely can control your irritation with her. The question you really should be asking yourself though...is do you really want to? No amount of therapy will help you if deep down you dont want to be different towards her.

IC4nSeeYourPixels · 19/03/2019 02:46

Stepmums get an unfair hard time on here but you hated this child from the start.

To be truthful, I think the reason you've dislike the child is because at the time she was a baby and if your wonderful husband is a decent dad he'd have been prioritising her and at that age and spending a lot of time and attention on her.

He's moved very quick from having a bay with his partner to leaving her, forming a new relationship with you and getting you pregnant.

Was there an overlap and he was cheating with you? Would make sense why you didn't like the child straight away if he said he only stays for the baby?

Him telling you he was planning on leaving her but wanted a sibling for his eldest so talked her into having a baby and then he fucked off, makes him not a wonderful man at all, if I'm honest though it sounds like something he might have said to you to make you think he wasn't fucking her much and only did so because he wanted a child and it because he actually wanted to and enjoyed it.

He's a bit of a twat for agreeing to another child with you until you sorted out your dislike of his youngest. (You didn't rush to have a baby to compete with her did you?)

I feel sorry for the little girl, she's done nothing wrong and sounds like she's behaving like many little ones when a new baby arrives.

Anuta77 · 19/03/2019 03:55

Am I the only one who thinks that this post is not real?

YogaWannabe · 19/03/2019 04:05

I pity all the children in this set up

swingofthings · 19/03/2019 07:08

Great Post @PurpleThistles

Crabbyandproudofit · 19/03/2019 10:16

I want to say something positive so I'll tell you I admire your courage in being so honest about your feelings. However, you do admit your feelings were not rational towards your DSD, taking an instant dislike to her at 18 months old! Your skin did not crawl when you looked at your DH despite knowing how badly he had behaved towards his ex.

You also say what a great step dad he is to your two boys, how would you feel if he expressed this kind of antipathy towards either of them? I bet you'd have shown him the door. Most 3 year olds with a younger sibling (even a half sibling) have parents who go out of their way to ensure the older child does not feel pushed out, you haven't even been able to pretend you care for all your children equally. Any chance her dad spoils her to compensate for the way you treat her?

If, at 33, you can't control your emotions, why would you expect a 4 year old child to be able to? You don't like to be reminded you are sharing your wonderful DH with his ex and children, she doesn't like to share her toys.

Notsurewhat1981 · 19/03/2019 11:10

I feel for you I really do and its really brave and a step in the right direction to admit it and seek help. My stepson was 4 when I moved in his with dad, and it was tentative but fine until I had our child 5 months later. I think a mix of hormones and fear made me irrational. He'd be a bit jealous but mainly very bouncy and clumsy so I'd be terrified he was going to hurt her all the time and run to pick her up, to the point where I felt my nerves jangling at the thought of him coming. He's nearly ten now and she makes him cry beating him up! It will get better, just take a lot of deep breaths and remember she's just doing what 4yr olds do, with a big dose of a rough confusing start thrown in

Snappedandfarted2019 · 20/03/2019 14:10

what an arsehole to treat a child like that.

doodleygirl · 20/03/2019 14:20

You and your wonderful DH should hang your heads in shame. You are the adults, you hated this little girl just for breathing and you then went onto pour shit on the fire by having another baby.

Its adults like you that shouldnt be allowed to have children, imagine the damage you are doing to that child.

And before you say I hate stepmums, I certainly do not - I am a step mum myself who chose not too have any children with my DH as we knew our blended DC may struggle.

You are both unfit parents.

Flip

1 2