Irritated beyond belief and feeling bad

[Busyphi]

I've got two step sons. One nearly 16 the other just 13. No problems with the older one, good relationship. But the younger one irritates me SO much. He's 13 going on 6. He doesn't eat properly, needs to be put to bed at night, speaks in a baby voice to his Dad, sits on the xbox all day every day and generally contributes nothing. If we are on a car journey, constantly asks how long till we are there. If we are out says 'can we go now'. I feel like I'm constantly pointing out things he does to my husband. The mother over parents them, still gets babtsitters if we have to pick them up an hour later than normal. Recently the older one has been looking at sixth form high schools and she made a comment to my husband about not upsetting the younger ones bed time routine!?!? I've got a 17 year old and I think it's a bit much. It's got to the point where I dread the weekends. I could have the older one all day, every day but the younger one haa me reacting in a way I don't like. He's not a bad kid at all. Anyone else feel similar? I feel I can't talk to my husband about this.

I completely understand your irritation but you have to remember it's not the boy's fault he's been babied.

In your shoes, I would simply encourage independent behaviour and reward it.

Do you put the 13 year old to bed when he's at yours or does your partner? Or does he go alone?

You are going to be flamed...if I were you I would just do what I can and try to ignore everything else. Sit your husband down and tell him your concerns about his behaviour and leave him to it.

If the mother has him all week, you don’t have too many options. Just be kind, and encourage his independence. I agree that it’s not his fault.

There's very little you can do realistically, other than continue to try to parent him your way as best you can.

I wouldn't partner up with a man who had kids if you paid me a million $£€, as I simply don't have the patience to deal with this sort of thing, so you're a much better person than me from the off.

Thanks all. I think the way my husband deals with it (he just ignores it even though he also says his son is very immature for his age. For example when he talks in his baby voice he doesn't say 'don't be silly, talk properly' ) doesn't help but he's the loveliest man which is why he probably doesn't address it. I just feel bad about my own feelings. I try to ignore it, I really do but I get so irritated by it. Will try harder.

Yeah, must try harder. He's irritating but that's all. It could be a lot worse, judging by some of the kids' behaviours complained about on here.

Your DH needs to step up. Ridiculous behaviour from a 13 year old.

Probably to do with him being the 'baby' of the family and none of them have caught up to the fact he's actually a teenager.

Saying that, getting a babysitter for a nearly 16 year old??? I would leave mine alone for an hour when they were 12 and 10. Does the older boy not have a social life? How's she going to allow him to get public transport or go to a party on his own? That is extremely overprotective.

Can you talk to your husband in positive supportive terms about encouraging him (both of them?) to become more independent in different small ways?

You do need to be patient and it's not the boy's fault. I know you are trying!

Is anything else going on for the 13yr old? Any SN etc? Because he sounds exactly like my dd. The baby talk in her a sign of anxiety and to say to her " don't be silly, talk properly" would actually be quite damaging.

My oldest is 15 and perfectly able to look after both of them, but I always call in a sitter because if my youngest melts down, it's not fair on her sister to cop that!

Usually fathers are determined not to see their ds babied so its a pity your dp doesn't see this. He obviously would have been quite young when his parents split so that may have been a role he was allowed to fall into at that stage. 13 year old boys can be very annoying for far worse reasons, eg moodiness, cheek etc so bear with him. Is their something himself and dp could do together at weekends to foster independence, like gardening where he has his own tasks?
Sometimes its easy to focus on the negative and it takes over your head. Try to be more positive about him as its not fair to critisise him to his parent.

Hi @Busyphi - my dp has three boys, almost 12, almost 16 & almost 19. Their dm also babies them - won't let them use public transport, won't let them downtown with their friends etc. etc. Dp encourages more independent behaviour when he has them & it works with the youngest who has quiet an independent nature. The other two are a different matter altogether & will do NOTHING without dp by their sides & will not push themselves at all. His eldest is now having regular meltdowns as he's off to college this year & doesn't want to live away, mix with people or take transport. He refuses to learn to drive & is expecting dp to collect him every Friday!
I tell you all this to issue a word of caution, as in I think you really need to explain to dp how badly babying teens can work out. I gently pointed this stuff out to dp a few years ago & while agreeing with me he didn't really take the bull by the horns as he hates clashing with his kids, but boy is he now rueing not tackling it head on.
I'm aware that it's technically not your job (nor was it mine) to make your dp see the light, but if it's affecting you & your well-being then you really should speak to him for everyone's sake including your dss's.

Thanks all for the advice. We went on a walk today and 13 yr old used the baby voice again. When we got back, we were talking about him (I gave DSS him praise for helping me to wash the dogs when we got back) and I said to DH 'you really need to get him to stop using the baby voice though' and he said 'I know!' And the mumbling!!'. So he's actually noticed it too and gets annoyed by it. But not sure he'll do anything. @Magda72 I sympathise!! I don't understand this kind of parenting at all. You are suposed to eventually have produced a self-sufficient adult who is a contribution to society and so many people are parenting in such a way that hinders this!

I just wish sometimes that DH would pick up on it more. It drives me potty. The other week DSS had a pudding out and I had to sit there in a pub while he used his finger to get every last bit of chocolate from his bowl - DH didn't notice. I wouldn't allow my daughter to do that as it's bad manners but I can't pick at everything he does. So very Frusrating!!

Really appreciate all your comments.

Baby talk and not using cutlery are often habits of ADHD. His habit of asking how long on car journeys and always wanting to move on when out would also be ADHD traits.
How is he at school? Do you think there could be any SN?

To Pp or.... it could be because he's the baby of the family and attention seeking. Seems like no one says anything when he does it and younger dc can either grow up quicker or slower. It sounds like he is telling you where he stands as the baby and that he's cute and sweet.
My ds did the baby voice a few times and I told him straight up to stop, drove me mad! But then he's my ds so I guess it's easier.

Children are younger adults, and we don't all get along with every adult so.... we don't get along with all children. Add in him doing annoying stuff and you can't stop it, you really need to address it with your dp, because it will only make you dislike him more.
They don't get any cuter as they get older.

He's 13 going on 6. He doesn't eat properly, needs to be put to bed at night, speaks in a baby voice to his Dad, sits on the xbox all day every day and generally contributes nothing.

Sitting on the xbox and generally contributing nothing=normal, irritating teenage behaviour, IMO.

Needing to be put to bed and in speaking a baby voice at 13 = Yikes .

Your DP address must this ASAP and find out whether it's a case of him being babied or SN, because whatever's behind it, it needs to be addressed now. This is a key developmental time for his son and as PP's have said, his parents aren't doing him any favours by either encouraging or ignoring it. He'll find it really hard to cope later on. Good luck.

My DD had a baby voice phase when she was 9. I realise now, that it correlated with her having some friendship issues at school...which I had no knowledge of.

I think they do it when there's something to face...something to deal with. I used to say "Use your own voice please!" after having a little joke with her about it.

I think, though correct me if I'm wrong, that it's ok for you to guide him in terms of table manners.

I couldn't sit there whilst a child used his fingers in his bowl. I'd say something.

What is he like at school, surely teachers would comment.

Oh, I wanted to. I just bit my tongue. I've asked him not to eat his Yorkshire Pudding with his fingers. I've said no to cake when he hasn't made any attempt to eat his tea. I asked my DH to at least make a rule that DSS stops the xbox Sunday at 3pm. I've talked to my DH about various other issues and feel like I can't keep pulling him up, though I want to Many times. I also feel like when I am constantly pulling him up, it makes me the bad guy. Rocking on the back legs of chairs, sitting on the arms of our sofas, throwing tennis balls inside. It just ALL irritates me. Also, he doesn't constantly talk in a baby voice, just when he wants something. Or today he said 'I want to sit in da back wiv da dogs' in a baby voice. I just wouldn't allow my child to act like this. But he's not my child, so it's difficult. He also doesn't intigrate himself with the rest of us. I try to include him as does my DH. He quickly loses interest and wants to be back on his xbox. It's just that I now hone in on all of these things when he does them because I'm so irriated. Maybe he will grow out of it??

He is ok at school. He constantly asks for help with homework though so I don't know what his teachers say. I don't think he has any issues except maybe trying to get attention? He's been allowed to do all of these things and dictate exactly what he eats, so he carries it on. Outside of all of this, he's really not a bad kid and I recognise that. I'm just not sure how I can stop being irritated by him. I don't want to keep dreading weekends (we have them 3 out of every 4. We used to have them every weekend but I said to my DH I needed one weekend off and it's mainly because of younger DSS).

Thanks again ladies. I was starting to feel like I was being massively unfair. And I don't want to constantly criticise my DHs child. I just need to cope with it better.

Make rules for your home and have him stick to them. It can't be one rule for your child and a different one for his. I also think your holding back when you don't need to for example, when he was scraping the chocolate with his finger just hand him a spoon and tell him to use it, you don't have to chastise him just "here, use a spoon" and then move on. If he's using baby voice, just say "can you speak to me properly please?"

Hmm. My 3yo whines and I go through phases of just calmly saying ‘I can’t hear that voice, if you have something to say say it properly’ Works pretty well with a 3yo!! I guess I’d suggest to my dh that we both do that in your case...

MomUnderTheMoon has great advice there...just a statement rather than a telling off.

The other week DSS had a pudding out and I had to sit there in a pub while he used his finger to get every last bit of chocolate from his bowl - DH didn't notice. I wouldn't allow my daughter to do that as it's bad manners but I can't pick at everything he does That's just being petty for the sake of it. Most kids I know (and some adults) like to get the last little bit out the bowl.

I just wouldn't allow my child to act like this You are very judgemental about him, and I assume he knows your feelings, which will be very hard for him to deal with.

You won't answer straight about the SN etc. My dd wouldn't use cutlery due to poor motor skills so we have to get adaptive cutlery, she uses it all the time now. I bet there is more under this behaviour than meets the eye, but it doesn't sound like anyone is bothered to look very hard. Poor kid.

@differentnameforthis in a pub though?