Irritated beyond belief and feeling bad

[Busyphi]

I've got two step sons. One nearly 16 the other just 13. No problems with the older one, good relationship. But the younger one irritates me SO much. He's 13 going on 6. He doesn't eat properly, needs to be put to bed at night, speaks in a baby voice to his Dad, sits on the xbox all day every day and generally contributes nothing. If we are on a car journey, constantly asks how long till we are there. If we are out says 'can we go now'. I feel like I'm constantly pointing out things he does to my husband. The mother over parents them, still gets babtsitters if we have to pick them up an hour later than normal. Recently the older one has been looking at sixth form high schools and she made a comment to my husband about not upsetting the younger ones bed time routine!?!? I've got a 17 year old and I think it's a bit much. It's got to the point where I dread the weekends. I could have the older one all day, every day but the younger one haa me reacting in a way I don't like. He's not a bad kid at all. Anyone else feel similar? I feel I can't talk to my husband about this.

different Really? "Most" kids and some adults you know scrape their fingers round a bowl?

Well...yuk. I'm glad I don't know the same kind of people. It's not ok...it's disgusting! Your DD with SN is not comparable. OP would know if her step son had SN.

@differentnameforthis Hmm. I did answer. He doesn't have any other issues other than that he just acts quite baby like in a lot of ways, which I find irritating as the other two children do not act like this.

I guess I am being judgemental about him, you are quite correct, which is why I was asking if I was being out of order and for a bit of help in dealing with it. I'm very sure he knows it too, again, which is why I was asking for advice as I don't want to have a bad relationship with him.

In my opinion, using your fingers to get every last scrape of sauce out of a bowl either in public or at family meal times is bad manners, whether it's a child, or an adult. He is quite adept at using cutlery, no issues at all.

Thank you to everyone else for their comments. They really helped and I feel much better able to address the issues in a better way.

I agree with what timeisnotaline advises. My DP’s youngest starts to whine and I do exactly what I did with my own DC at that age. Very calmly say ‘I’m sorry, I can’t understand you. Let’s try again, it’s ok, slow down...well done, thank you’.

It’s ridiculous that a 13 year old is doing this and I would find it intensely irritating. Your DP is doing this child no favours.

Every time he uses the baby voice say 'I can't understand you, can you talk properly please?'

I have a 13 year old DD with ASD and she uses a babyish voice sometimes and I just say the above.

I would also get your DP to speak to his school and explain that his DS seems to be unable to do the homework and ask if it's work he knows how to do.

Your DP really does need to deal with this though! I feel pity for any woman he ever ends up with. In fact, point out to your DP that this lad will never, ever leave home if someone doesn't start making him act a bit more responsibly.

My DD does struggle with social issues but is otherwise very independent and structures her own homework and does it without question. At that age they should really be able to structure their lives and start acting responsibly.

I am seeing the consequences of babying teens! DP drives his 21 year old and 18 year old to university every single day, despite them being 3 minutes from buses that go every 15 minutes straight to Uni. Buses are not an option apparently. Even though I take them all the time!

I was the one to show DSD1 how to take the bus when she was 16, but it was too little too late, she has dropped out of Uni as it was too hard for her. She still is very immature, works 4 hours a week and at her mums (after moving out of our house).

If he is struggling with homework, he may have a learning difficulty that hasn't been picked up on yet. Does his dad attend parent's evenings? Thats an opportunity to raise it or he can make an appointment to see his form tutor.

I wouldn't expect the baby voice at 13, but the fact its being ignored will make him think it's okay. His dad ignores it and so does his brother... so its normalised.

Does he do this with his mum?

Perhaps he thinks this helps him get what he wants and is frightened it will be refused otherwise.

Maybe if it's just you and him, say you were wondering why he changes his voice sometimes...like when he's asking for something. Don't say baby voice...but just say you've noticed he changes his voice.

I'm quite easily irritated and wouldn't give my child anything or respond if they spoke in a baby voice at 13. Just like if you don't get a 'please' when they ask for something.

Did you have a thread a while ago Bananas? Sorry to hear things haven't improved.

Hi @golden thanks for remembering me! Things have improved hugely but it’s sadly due to a total disengagement now from my step children. I now live totally separately and they never come to visit me and DP in the house. It did break me and DP up as I got much of the blame for this, and tbh I just got sick of the blame because it isn’t my fault. I think that’s becoming clearer now for DP, and he wants to make amends to me.

It was pretty demoralizing for a while, trying to bring up my own kids, whilst trying with DSDs, who are mainly very loyal to their mother and only comfortable at our house if they can take over and totally ignore me and my kidS. I now feel very clear that this isn’t on. There was a time that I took this rejection and still gave and gave, and a time I think I mourned that there was never going to be a relationship between me and the DSDs. I was sad about that.

Now I’m 100% focused on me and my kids and we are happy living our lives. There are hangover issues, like DP for a while taking our child (and not my older son) to play happy families with his kids at their mothers house. I have limited this, I won’t have my family pulled apart and my older son ignored because my DSDs refuse to see either brother outside of their mothers house. And where I am not welcome. I’ve become stronger about protecting my family unit. I never wanted factions but that’s what I have to deal with and I can’t change other people’s behaviour.

Glad you're ok with things. I cant see what else you could have done, tbh.

Sorry for the minor derail OP.