How do you decide what TV is appropriate for children to watch?

[Smidge001]

My husband has just mentioned in passing that his daughter isnt in bed yet because the two of them are watching Seinfeld. My DH is a big Seinfeld fan. His daughter, my SD is 11,about to become 12 later this month. She is quite a 'young' 11 year old, in that she isn't interested in fashion, what other people think, boys, still is losing her baby teeth etc! I personally felt Seinfeld was inappropriate, and she should already be in bed. I Googled, and a website meant to be common sense media or something, suggested it was OK for 14+, which seemed to tie in with my thoughts. I sent him the link and he said yeah, but this episode is fine, and I'd send her to bed if I thought otherwise. Which, in itself seems perfectly reasonable.

However, I'm left feeling uncomfortable, as in my mind, she'll now think this series is fine as her dad let her watch it with him. And the next episode may be totally inappropriate.

I would prefer to err on the side of caution, personally. But I may be wrong.

How do you deal with situations like this? I'm not interested in thoughts about Seinfeld in particular really. It's more a question of your general way of dealing with what you both as parents think is OK, and how you deal with differences in opinion on it.

Maybe I'm too risk averse/cautious. But I personally wouldn't want any child of my own at that age watching a series that can definitely include inappropriate content. And as a result I feel bad not sticking to my guns when it's my stepdaughter, as if by letting it go I'm caring for her less (though it's not really my call).

Yesterday my DH made a joke about saying he thinks all women should wear bikinis all the time (we're in Australia and its really hot at the moment. I was just in bra and knickers at home as too hot to wear anything else, and I'd just said it was OK as no different from wearing a bikini. So there was context, but I said his comment was an inappropriate thing to say in front of his daughter, that it objectified women blah blah blah. He said it was just a joke and I should lighten up. But it made me feel v uncomfortable as the wrong message to give out.

I know the aussie culture is different from the UK. So I'm not really questioning that, but if there are things like this that you wouldn't want for your own children, how do you deal with it when it's your OH and his child/your step children? I don't have any children of my own, so maybe I'm imagining myself being a perfect parent for them, and being wrong to suggest my approach is better than his. But how do you resolve?

Bump

I think it’s all very individual and based on the child.

I let one of mine watch most things a few years before the recommended ages but I was more conservative with another child. The kids are very different in what they can cope with and how they react in this regard.

I find the ratings thing to be very odd. I’m also in Australia but I look up the ratings for all countries. There tends to be a huge range. So for instance why would a show be okay for 12 year olds to watch in Finland, Norway, Sweden and Brazil but not okay until 15yo for a child in Australia???? I think you need to use your own common sense and judgement taking the individual child into account.

I have often found Common Sense Media odd. They base everything on the fact that they consider kids these days are emotionally fraught and virtually hysterical over everything. They often claim stuff like Finding Nemo is scary. You know kids could be scarred for life by the sharks or something.

As for the bikini comment, I think you are overthinking it. Also don’t understand why you didn’t come back immediately with the line, ‘yes mate we will do when men spend all day every day in a pair of budgie smugglers’. Bit slow off the mark there OP so I’m guessing you are not Australian? Rather than blathering on about how it’s an inappropriate comment in front of girls it would have immediately taught a girl how to deal with an inappropriate comment.

You're right, I'm not Australian. It wouldn't have occurred to me to come back with the budgee smuggler comment tbh. I don't think objectifying men is any better! I'm not sure that would teach her how to deal with it at all. I think we should spend more time teaching people (adults probably!) that suggesting worth is based on looks and sexuality is completely wrong. I don't think tit for tat is addressing the problem at all.

But my question is more to do with how you deal with differences in what you consider appropriate. Does the more permissive of the partners win out, or the more cautious? Should I give in to DH because he is the proper parent? Or is me rolling over to his ideals shoeing I'm not caring as much for my step child as I would if she were biologically mine?

This is the bit I'm struggling with.

*showing

Maybe I should have posted this in the step parenting section - though I think at least half my question is relevant for all parents.

But my question is more to do with how you deal with differences in what you consider appropriate. Does the more permissive of the partners win out, or the more cautious?

You will need a range of input on this as I think everyone would do it differently. Nothing to do with step-parenting, just as relevant when you have 2 bio parents who are not on the same page. No right or wrong, you need to discuss with your DH and agree in this regard.

In our case we are not always on the same page but it’s not something I would bother with a family meeting over to go through case by case. There have been shows/movies I wouldn’t let a child watch that DH considers appropriate and the same in reverse. They are as much his as mine so I don’t see why my thoughts trump his or his mine. So we basically work it in if one person says yes, it’s a go. The other is free to voice disagreement but chances are you will just be met with a shoulder shrug and the kid presses play😁. That’s how we rolled but if you ask 10 different people you will probably get 10 different answers as to how families deal with this. You need to sit with your DH and figure out what works for you both in your situation.

As to your first paragraph. You’re right. You should teach an entire country how to handle these things your way. I’ll wait for this eagerly, it should be great.

I wouldn’t dream of telling parents how to parent their own child. I don’t think you have any right to, particularly in regards to a tv show.

OK, so Fabaunt you really don't consider me a parent at all, as I'm only a step-parent?

This is the bit I am wondering at. But it makes me sad, as it doesn't feel the right thing to do in a family. But then maybe you don't consider me part of the family. Do you think i shouldn't do anything a parent does? Am I OK to cook, clean, do pick ups and drop offs? Help with homework? Talk about what happened at school and give any advice? I think that's really sad. You don't think a step parent counts for anything unless they simply do the 'real' parent's bidding? I'm not sure what example that would set to his daughter tbh. Surely she'd just grow up thinking women are skivvies, their opinions don't count, and men call all the shots.

IMO Seinfield is fine for a child of that age. If there are any risqué jokes they will probably just go over her head.

I used to watch the comedies of my day, Red Dwarf, Blackadder etc when I was younger than 11 and I haven’t grown up emotionally scarred by it

Like I said in my post though, I wasn't really after opinions as to whether the show is OK, my question is about what you do when the two parents disagree to what is appropriate, whether as a step parent I should just not argue my case, and if so how to deal with the fact it feels as though I'm caring less for my step child than I would if she were my own child. It just feels wrong to me and I feel guilty that I effectively shouldnt care as much.

Hi there,

We're going to move this to stepparenting at OP's request.

Seinfeld is broadcast on tv in the UK in the mornings before 8am and we have very strict watershed rules, so it is fine for an 11 year old to watch in the eyes of UK broadcasting law.
Also I don’t think you really get a say in watch your SD watches... you can have an opinion and offer advice, but if her parents are fine with it then there’s you should just leave them to it.

And what to do about it? Honestly you’re a stepparent, not her actual parent. So you stay out of it. That’s the unfortunate reality of being a stepparent

Hey OP -
I'm a step parent and a parent, and have come across this situation with my DH and 9 year old stepson. We disagree on some things being age appropriate (mainly games and some films).

We discuss them and if I feel strongly enough about it - normally a film - DH comes round to my way of thinking after we discuss specific parts of the film I feel are inappropriate for his age etc.

Games - DH normally wins as I don't know much about them and aren't ever going to play them and he doesn't just have a 'play anything' attitude to gaming so he must be weighing up their appropriateness individually.

Thankfully - my DH doesn't agree with some posters here that as a stepparent I don't have a say. My stepson is with us every single weekend and we couldn't function as a household if I wasn't able to parent him appropriately.

And what to do about it? Honestly you’re a stepparent, not her actual parent. So you stay out of it. That’s the unfortunate reality of being a stepparent

That's your opinion. I disagree with this stance.
My SD lives with us full time, is sister to my son and I very much have a say on this kind of stuff. Every family is different.

Thankfully - my DH doesn't agree with some posters here that as a stepparent I don't have a say.

Same here! It’s a hard role to be in as a stepmum. I will say to my husband if I disagree with something or have another viewpoint and he will listen, but as he is DSDs dad he has the final say on most things.

Saying that, I wouldn’t allow DSD to do anything dangerous or watch anything rated 18 etc or with sex scenes etc even if my husband said she could (he wouldnt but just as an example) so there is a line.

If your DP isn’t willing to enforce this then it’s best to keep quiet. The last thing you need as stepmum is to become the bad guy, because once you’re there you probably always will be.

Luckily I don't think I'm considered the bad guy. And my DH definitely supports me being a parent to his daughter. I've been a step parent to my step daughter since she just turned 4. She and I have a fantastic relationship and our family works really well.

I think that maybe it's because I don't have any children of my own that I'm feeling a lot of this guilt over not pushing over certain beliefs re what's appropriate.
In that I'm imagining that if I had a child of my own, I'd be able to do things exactly in a certain way. But the reality is probably that my DH and I would have just the same differences in opinion, and I'd have to relent (in some cases) too, so I'm probably not treating my SD any differently from how I'd treat my own child. I'll have to try to remember that.

wheneverythinggoestitsup your post was useful, thanks, as maybe I should concentrate on the times when I know there is something specific in a program, and I can point that out. Easier than if it's just a general feeling about a series etc.

I tend to state my opinion to DH and let him make his own decision as it’s his DD and I don’t want to overstep. If I feel really strongly about it, an example being I don’t like sexist comments being made in front of her then I will persist with it but then DH and I tend to have the type of relationship where if one person feels strongly about something we respect that as we’re quite laid back about most things.
It is different with our own DD though; we’ll debate things until we come to an agreement.

Just to add though my approach comes from the fact that DSDs mum undermines DH at every turn so when she’s at our house I’ve tried to support his role as her parent and for him to make informed decisions rather than her thinking it’s all me and not him

Sounds sensible user, and sounds as though you are being v. sensitive to your DH's situation.

I think as a PP says you have to go a little bit with how the child will be. For example I let my DC when they were 3-4 years younger watch the Xmas special of Dr Who. The new series came back and I was really excited that we would watch it as a family. DC burst out crying (unusual for them) sobbing about how scary it had been. They are a teenager now so not that young at the time. I was horrified - I had no idea.

But we had navigated through the Harry Potter films at DC's pace. So watched a couple, stopped for months, watched a couple more, stopped again.

Your SD is 11 and so able to say if she is scared, bored, outraged etc!

OP, I notice no mention of your DSD's mother in your post – is she in the picture?

And in response to your question, here's what I've learned in my (relatively short) stint in a relationship with a man who has a child:

You talk as much as you can with your DP about topics like this in moments when there's not an immediate call to be made, so you both know where you stand on different subjects and can plan ahead (What's your take on violence in movies? Should kids be taught to hit back in the playground? How do you think you'll feel when DSD starts wanting to date? etc etc).

You make it clear how you feel about things like your DP's comment about bikinis, and show your DSD that different people have different opinions on this kind of behaviour and how to navigate those differences of opinion with respect.

And you give yourself a break from comparing this relationship to a relationship you might have with a hypothetical biological child.

It's not comparable, the experience of having a biological child is not the 'gold standard' against which having a stepchild should be judged, and it's ok to cultivate a very 'step' relationship that honours the fact that it IS a unique and special dynamic that requires its own approaches.

I'm incredibly proud of the relationship I have with my partner's son – and I love the fact that I don't treat him the same as I would my own biological child. He already has a mother to have that relationship with – with me he gets something different; something that's only ours.

Letting her dad make the big decisions about things like TV isn't caring for her any less, it's respecting his choices as her father.

You voiced your opinion about bikinis, she heard you do so, and that won't have gone unnoticed.

In time, you'll probably find her coming to you to ask the questions she has about how to deal with comments from boys, because she's heard you state your case and knows you're not on the same page as her dad. But you still respect the fact that he's her dad, which will ultimately also increase her respect for you.

This stuff isn't easy –but the biggest thing for me is not to try and compare/contrast your relationship against one with biological kids. It's understandable to do so, AND I think it totally undermines the magic of what a step-relationship can be.

@WhiteCat1704 that’s a totally different situation. If she lives with you full time then she is your child to raise.
In situations where it’s less than 50/50 or the SM is in a household where the SCs come EOW then I don’t think it’s her place to try and enforce her rules if the parents are ok with it.
She wasn’t watching an 18 or anything inappropriate for her age, her SD was watching a programme which is on in the mornings and considered fine for family viewing.

@ladybee28 your advice is perfect!