How do you decide what TV is appropriate for children to watch?

[Smidge001]

My husband has just mentioned in passing that his daughter isnt in bed yet because the two of them are watching Seinfeld. My DH is a big Seinfeld fan. His daughter, my SD is 11,about to become 12 later this month. She is quite a 'young' 11 year old, in that she isn't interested in fashion, what other people think, boys, still is losing her baby teeth etc! I personally felt Seinfeld was inappropriate, and she should already be in bed. I Googled, and a website meant to be common sense media or something, suggested it was OK for 14+, which seemed to tie in with my thoughts. I sent him the link and he said yeah, but this episode is fine, and I'd send her to bed if I thought otherwise. Which, in itself seems perfectly reasonable.

However, I'm left feeling uncomfortable, as in my mind, she'll now think this series is fine as her dad let her watch it with him. And the next episode may be totally inappropriate.

I would prefer to err on the side of caution, personally. But I may be wrong.

How do you deal with situations like this? I'm not interested in thoughts about Seinfeld in particular really. It's more a question of your general way of dealing with what you both as parents think is OK, and how you deal with differences in opinion on it.

Maybe I'm too risk averse/cautious. But I personally wouldn't want any child of my own at that age watching a series that can definitely include inappropriate content. And as a result I feel bad not sticking to my guns when it's my stepdaughter, as if by letting it go I'm caring for her less (though it's not really my call).

Yesterday my DH made a joke about saying he thinks all women should wear bikinis all the time (we're in Australia and its really hot at the moment. I was just in bra and knickers at home as too hot to wear anything else, and I'd just said it was OK as no different from wearing a bikini. So there was context, but I said his comment was an inappropriate thing to say in front of his daughter, that it objectified women blah blah blah. He said it was just a joke and I should lighten up. But it made me feel v uncomfortable as the wrong message to give out.

I know the aussie culture is different from the UK. So I'm not really questioning that, but if there are things like this that you wouldn't want for your own children, how do you deal with it when it's your OH and his child/your step children? I don't have any children of my own, so maybe I'm imagining myself being a perfect parent for them, and being wrong to suggest my approach is better than his. But how do you resolve?

She's with us 50:50.

Thanks ladybee that's really helpful.
Really great advice, thanks! Your comments on our step relationship being its own special thing has helped me feel less 'lost' about wondering where I fit in, thankyou. And I feel much more reassured about the worth to her (even if it's in the longer term) of voicing my opinions even if DH has the final say.

I don’t think Seinfeld is inappropriate off the top of my head. The humour in it is quite sophisticated and adult and will most likely pass over the head of an 11 year old. I think they’re probably using it as a bonding experience.

How would I handle this situation? With my DC, it is for my exDH and I to decide what games/ movies / social media rules/ access to online portals our DC have. My DP has absolutely every right to voice an opinion and I will take it onboard, but m ultimately it’s my decision. But if he thinks he knows better than me and says he feels uncomfortable with my ultimate decision then quite frankly he is in tricky territory. Because if my ex and I have agreed, it’s not his space to do anything other than have a voice.

I’d extend him the same courtesy.

How do I handle it? My DC watch some of the marvel films which are 15 and I let them (once I have pre screened), they are younger than 15. Why? It’s superhero stuff, they get that, there is no nudity, offensive language, or blood and gore.

They don’t however watch other 15 films. Deadpool (massive no, it’s too rude), Kingsman (the same). One of my favourite films the shawshank redemption because it has a prison rape scene and I don’t think they need that conversation yet, it’s not appropriate. I do it case by case and would do the same as your DH.

You’re basically saying you don’t trust his judgement with his daughter. I think that’s a bit rude tbh.

@Smidge001 really glad it's a helpful idea; it makes a big difference for me too! And 'the long game' is important – parent or not, kids absorb and notice everything, and you can raise and model alternative points of view for your DSD to consider without undermining your DH's ultimate choices for his daughter.

I think the 'step' situation is so often framed in terms of what it is NOT – you're NOT their parent, you're NOT the ultimate decision-maker, you're NOT the one with the responsibility, you're NOT allowed to do X... we forget sometimes that there's a flip side to it where we get to create what we ARE.

And that's (potentially) a really precious opportunity that we don't often get in other roles in life.

You can ask yourself: "who do I want to be for this child?", and, if it's an age-and-situation-appropriate conversation, you can include your DSC in it too: "I'm not your parent, but I am an adult who's in your life a lot – what kind of relationship would you really like us to have? What role would you most like me to play?"

We're not aunties to our DSC, we're not their friends, we're not their parents, but we can be a blend of all of those and more – and for me, I got a lot of confidence and pleasure from starting to proactively craft my own unique contribution to my DSS's life.

It's a work in progress of course, and I deal with a lot of moments of frustration and uncertainty and hurt and confusion too, but looking at it as its own special relationship that's unlike any other made a big difference for me.

Can I just point out that on these threads people get so hung up on not having a say in parenting their SCs or them not being their own child like it’s a big negative...
But for me these are the best bit of being a SM! I love the fact I can be their friend, hang out with awesome kids and not have to do any of the hard parenting. I take care of them but I’m absolved of responsibility

@ladybee28 is right again... that’s what I was trying to say but she put it far more eloquently

But for me these are the best bit of being a SM! I love the fact I can be their friend, hang out with awesome kids and not have to do any of the hard parenting. I take care of them but I’m absolved of responsibility

Ha! I was thinking about this thread this morning while walking the dog and this was exactly what came to my mind too, @WhoPooped – it's unavoidably tough at times, but it's also bloody great when you can stand back from moments of madness, take a deep breath, pour yourself a gin and go "Not my circus, not my monkeys..."

thanks both! You've given me a really positive perspective, and I feel different already. Honestly, I feel as if I've got a completely new outlook. Thankyou!

@Smidge001 thanks for bringing it up! I'm glad you asked the question and you got what you needed. These boards have been a lifesaver for me at some points (they've also made me want to bang my head on the keyboard a few times) – when posting here helps, it really helps

I have this problem too OP.
Got in from a night shift and DH had put on the film Scary Movie for DSS 9 and very sensitive DSS six FFS. I made my feeling clear, that film is gross, but whatever, if he's happy for them to watch a film like that on his head be it.

This is so interesting as my dh and I don't always agree on what is appropriate for my dss to watch on the tv. He's just turned 12 and is desperate to watch some 15 films etc. I am absolutely against that and won't allow it whilst I'm around but I'm sure my dh is more flexible when I'm not. As far as I'm concerned, kids need to grow up a little more slowly without the rush of wanting (and getting) everything too early. My own ds is 24 now and he laughs remembering how 'tight I was with things like that!

IMO, if you do the parenting labour that bio parents do (calm them down when they’re having a tantrum, cook them dinner, read them stories, clean up their sick, get up with them in the morning when you’d rather have a bloody lie in etc. etc.) you’re on the exact same footing as a bio parent and you have almost as much of a say.

At least, that’s how it is in our situation. I’ve been DSD’s step mum since she was two though, so might be a bit different as DSD does think of me as parent number three and doesn’t really remember a time before I was around. My OH and I parent her together and are very clear about that, so if I thought something was inappropriate for her I would certainly make that case to my OH. Your DSD isn’t “someone else’s child” as someone earlier in the thread commented, you’re her SM and you’re allowed an opinion.

And FYI if my OH made that bikini comment (which he never would tbh cos we’re both feminists!) I would be disgusted, let alone in front of our kid. Gross!