Not letting stepkids on the sofa? How else to sort?

[MightyMoose]

I'm at my wits end. Two teen DSC refuse to shower. One wears Uggs without socks which makes her feet really stink. Neither will shower when they are here at the weekend. DSS will come from Rugby on a Friday and not have a shower all weekend. The sofa is starting to really pong even though I had it steam cleaned just before Christmas. It's so gross I won't sit on it because it's like being in a sweaty UGG.

DH has tried talking to them but nothing changes. Their mum thinks washing once a week is perfectly fine. We do have a playroom for the younger kids with a leather
sofa and I'm thinking the rule is going to have to be either they wash or they can't sit on the fabric furniture? Is this awful?

I’ve got teenagers so understand, but not nice to banish them to the playroom. How about putting a big throw on the sofa for when they come to you?

How old are they, OP?

For me this would be a much bigger deal than the state of a sofa - it's basic hygiene and an important part of health and social wellbeing.

What happens when your DH talks to them?

Can you put a throw on the fabric sofa every time they come round then take it off once they've left?

@ladybee28 They are 16 and 14. I couldn't really do a throw as they wouldn't make sure they were on it and our youngest is only a toddler and would pull it off but maybe an elasticated couch cover would work.

They tell DH their mum tells them once a week is fine and anymore is bad for your skin. 🙄. If he really hassles them they will shower but it's unpleasant for everyone.

MightyMoose wow. I agree the sofa is just a symptom. Isn't this affecting them socially?

My eldest is 13 and still does as she's asked, plus no complicating step families involved, but I work with adults with learning difficulties in an assisted living facility and know the shower debate from that - a compromise comfortable for everyone living together and sharing space and facilities has to be reached! Your DH has to get them to shower, it's part of parenting even (especially) if it's difficult. They will be ostracized by peers if they smell.

If in the end they're only to wash once per week it should be after rugby surely? The once a week can be Friday, plus just feet can be washed nightly and socks can be worn. Saves mum's water bill too...

Get a blanket for the sofa and focus on their hygiene separately. I don't think banishing them is a good idea - it'll cause a stand off. What if you say to them, here's the problem - you're a bit smelly but don't want to wash, can we find a compromise - have your weekly wash before you come here, socks with shoes?

14 and 16 year olds washing once a week. Your poor nose and sofa op.

Their mother must have no sense of smell.
I would tell them to go in other room too.

Just get a big fleece blanket, it doesn't have to look nice and you can tuck it in around the cushions.

DH has to continue to hassle them for as long as it takes - there will come a tipping point where they will shower just to get him to shut up about it.

They need to be told that once a week wash is unacceptable and they MUST shower when they arrive in the Friday.

Look up some articles about hygiene and washing etc. I don’t agree with over showering, but once a week is rank.

DH needs to really hassle, no matter how unpleasant it is. Your home, your rules and all that. He needs to make it clear what his expectations are of them. I would be worried about them being bullied if they are washing so little. They must absolutely stink.

They aren't dogs, you can't ban them from the furniture!

I think I would go for DH keeping on at them. Just say "In this house the rule is we shower every day" (or once a weekend, or after sports... whatever) - sure yes it would be unpleasant at first, but they'd get used to it before too long and just get on with it. They might even decide they LIKE feeling clean! If they complain about skin DH can say "Well I shower every day and my skin is fine..."

They could still wash without using soaped washes.

How is DHs relationship with the Mum? Perhaps discuss and buy them non scented wash for the shower.

Fine when you're 5 but at 14 and 16 they are going to stink.

Maybe their mum only needs to shower once a week, but at their ages their skin and sweat glands aren't functioning in the same way as a grown adult – they're mid-puberty.

I do feel for these teens – it sounds like they're on the edge of a potentially really tough situation socially and someone (your DH) needs to step in on their behalf.

What they do at their mum's house is her call, but in your home, your DH needs to get on the case.

Unless having a shower is actually traumatic for them (which I'm betting it's not), it's only 15 minutes out of their week. They can handle it – and although it might be a massive hassle for your DH to begin with, once they accept that those are the rules at your house it'll get easier.

Have you or DH actually told them that they smell? They're likely to be completely inured to it by now so just think being told to shower is because you want them to rather than because they are ponging the house out.
I think the VERY direct approach here is the only one that will work.

My thinking is that if you're steam cleaning sofas your idea of cleanliness is much further up the scale than your dc's appear to be. A throw would solve it. And spray some shoe odour stuff in her Ugglies.

Sorry if I am completely off track here, but could their mum be engineering this?
Not assuming you were OW, OP, but I do know someone whose now ex husband left her for OW. She absolutely instructs their teenagers to wear their smelliest trainers, not shower for days prior to visiting ex and to put their feet on the furniture, leave a mess in the bathroom etc.

I’m surprised their classmates haven’t shamed them. I thought teenagers were hypersensitive about keeping clean, but then I don’t have any myself.

headinhands have you actually smelt a teen who hasn't showered for a day, never mind a week??

Could you take them swimming as a Friday evening treat?

Feck that - I would march them to the shower and make no bones about talking to them about their level of hygiene. That is disgusting and their mother should be ashamed of herself letting 2 teens out without washing. Your house, your rules - they have to shower.

I really try to leave the discipline to DH. I spent years being nothing but a friend to build trust etc. But this is throwing me over the edge. I have point blank told then they smell. I tried to make a joke out of it. I've tried being very blunt but not unkind (I hope!) but I think I'm failing concealing my disgust. I think if they realise I'm putting a cover on the sofas because of them it might really hurt their feelings but I don't know what else to try. It's either that or only allow them on the leather sofas.

It's either that or only allow them on the leather sofas

Or get your DH to handle the situation properly....

MightyMoose do they have friends? Are they socially isolated?

Seriously if they smell to this level they will be experiencing serious social stigma and isolation or bullying.

Unless they shower every school morning and the no socks with uggs and no shower after rugby and continuing unshowered all weekend is a special treat for you and they shower when they get back to their mum's.

The sofa is a total weird blind ally you're obsessing with either to stop you thinking through the fact that properly stinking like this is neglect and going to be seriously impacting your step children, or to stop you wondering whether they infact are deliberately not washing and encouraging the stinkyness at yours for some reason (because it annoys you and they want a reaction? Boundary testing? Encouraged by their mum who finds it hilarious? Some other reason?)

Suggesting telling them to shower or putting a blanket on the sofa will hurt them but forbidding them from sitting on the sofa won't is stunningly obtuse.

No shower after rugby? That's disgusting. Surely they must get the piss ripped out of them by school mates?