Not letting stepkids on the sofa? How else to sort?

[MightyMoose]

I'm at my wits end. Two teen DSC refuse to shower. One wears Uggs without socks which makes her feet really stink. Neither will shower when they are here at the weekend. DSS will come from Rugby on a Friday and not have a shower all weekend. The sofa is starting to really pong even though I had it steam cleaned just before Christmas. It's so gross I won't sit on it because it's like being in a sweaty UGG.

DH has tried talking to them but nothing changes. Their mum thinks washing once a week is perfectly fine. We do have a playroom for the younger kids with a leather
sofa and I'm thinking the rule is going to have to be either they wash or they can't sit on the fabric furniture? Is this awful?

I had this issue with resident DSD, who still has issues with hygiene aged 22. There’s often an underlying Mum / dad play off. Tackle that if you can? The mum sounds like she doesn’t care or is happy to cause trouble. I could be wrong, but which parent doesn’t make their kid shower after rugby?

Sit them down, with your DP, and explain clearly that showers must be had at such and such a time. That their mum can have rules in her house but it’s you and DPs rules in yours. No argument. Just is.

That’s rank! Did the ex only wash once a week as well?!

Do they genuinely not care that they smell? I’m surprised someone hasn’t said something at school!

@Holidayshopping I love your post!!!
Did he ex wash once a week hahaha

Can the one wash a week be a Friday night?

That way mum can smell them the rest of the week

As a mum to 2 ds 14 &11, they can smell even when they bath regularly.
My eldest since starting high school would bath every morning at 7 am and then again before bed. At times I thought it was a little much, but he didn't want to smell.
My youngest is going through the change, and getting him to bath is hard work, because he still doesn't think he's a teen. But every other day is a must or I start turning stuff off!!!
You need to be strict, unlike adults they have extra sweat and spot so need to clean and why should anyone have to smell someone else BO!

DH needs to man up here.

Your house, your rules, rule is you wash.

Oh my god what is the matter with their mother, she is setting them up to be ostracised socially.

Tell your DH you need to work as a team and insist on daily showers when they are with you. Insist insist insist.

That’s gross my DS stunk to high heaven from 13 to 18 and he showered twice a day. They need to be told to shower as soon as they arrive at your house no complaints no “mum says” tough. Those are the rules. I can’t belive they aren’t being bullied or victimised in school smelling is not cool and kids are awful.

For the uggs - if they are genuine fleece uggs they are very easy to clean so they don't cause smelly feet. Oder in fleece is caused by the presence of excess moisture. Mix up some baking soda and corn starch and sprinkle it in them then leave overnight and shake them out in the morning. The smell will be gone. Repeat as needed. If they are fake uggs get her some real ones. Fake ones are asking for super smelly feet.

They need to be told to shower as soon as they arrive at your house no complaints no “mum says” tough. Those are the rules.

Yep. And saying no means losing privileges. If they aren’t being bullied or teased about it, they soon will.

Their dad needs to step up to the plate and parent them.

I know you said it’s unpleasant for everyone when he does, but surely not more unpleasant than them stinking the house out??

I'd accept the once a week shower, but insist that the once a week was when they arrived at your house.

DSS doesn't have many friends. I've long thought he was fairly depressed. DH took him to the GP who referred to CAHMS who then rejected the referral saying it wasn't severe enough. DSS took this as Dad thinks there's something wrong with me despite DHs best efforts to explain that he was only trying to help DSS feel a bit better. Mum quite happy to gloat and say see absolutely nothing wrong. In my opinion there's always been low level neglect. They always came to us dirty in clothes that don't fit, riddled with nits etc. There was never any handover even when DSD was was 3. She'd show up with a fever and we wouldn't know if she'd been given calpol or what because there was zero communication. DH sees DSS as quite fragile which he is and just feels guilty there isn't more he can do. I think we will just have to turn the WiFi off until they both shower at the weekend.

@knittedjest Thank you! They are fake uggs. I'll order some real ones and start the baking soda cleaning routine. I never thought about it but it makes sense that the fake ones make their feet stink more.

Are there any casual jokey aunt uncle type friends you have who they might quite like? Could they come around and say something like peeyew, you’ll be single a long time if you don’t learn the value of a hot shower, soap and deodorant? Then riff into an anecdote of meeting someone stinky and going right off them?

@MightyMoose - I understand this is very tricky esp if dss is low in himself but honestly your dp is doing them no favours for now or the future. This is one of those times where he has to run the risk of hurting their feelings. My eldest was always more prone to bo than his younger brother & though he showered he wasn't washing or deodorizing himself properly. I was tactful about it for ages but eventually HAD to sit him down and be very blunt. He was mortified but stepped up.

Dp has same situation as your dp. Dm thinks it's ok for teen boys not to shower or wear anything bar smelly runners & track pants. Dp spends his weekends insisting they shower & change socks & underpants & again has gotten quite blunt about it. I don't think this is something to pussyfoot around as they will get teased unmercifully if your dp doesn't intervene.

I'd be hanging off on ordering the new Uggs until she starts following the rules! Otherwise it's like some bizarre £200 reward for being unhygienic and disobedient.

I think the mental health and neglect element just reinforces how important it is that your DH and you insist on good routines at yours. Sounds like get picked up from rugby, straight in the shower when they get to yours, and DSD straight after him - and then chilling out with wifi, tv or whatever, eat, go to cinema etc. Maybe the first few times arrange something nice like the cinema for a film they both want to see so that there's a clear motivation for getting showered - if they fuss, DH and you need to make it clear to them that it's not optional, showers will happen before you go out to cinema. And have a basic go to line as to why - because smelling of BO is offensive and disrespectful to everybody who has to smell it, and you know they're decent kids who wouldn't knowingly be offensive.

It will likely be painful the first few times but this is one of those things where consistency is key. If every Friday night you insist that they shower before doing anything else, it will become routine sooner or later.

This post breaks my heart. These poor children will be known in their schools for this. Children are just vicious. This is neglectful parenting, end of and your DP has to step up and simply end this. It’s not your job to get involved or say anything. It’s his.

Is there anyone older (a cousin, an aunt, an uncle a family friend) whom these kids respect and adore? If I ever found myself in this situation and my DC refused to shower, well first, I wouldn’t buy them brand new uggs. WiFi would be off. I mean if you can’t be respectful of your home and the people who have to live with you, you certainly get none of the luxuries. But I would in a heartbeat deploy one of my siblings / nephews whom my DC look up to. A few words / back up from them would most likely put a stop to it.

Your DP has to say this needs to stop. They need to become respectful of other members of society. There is nothing worse than commuting in London on the tube next to people with poor hygiene. Not to mention that odd coworker who smells. I mean, there really is no excuse.

Breaking this habit (that you’ve both allowed to become established in your house) won’t be easy. But it has to be done or quite frankly your DP is just as poor a parent as his EW. It’s an epic parenting fail.

I had a friend growing up who never showered. Her parents just didn't teach her the importance of it. Everyone knew she smelt though and it was rank.

Your DH really needs to start parenting them properly, insisting on them showering daily or at the very least on a Friday when they arrive. Please don't banish them from the room, that'd be even more hurtful than putting a throw on the sofa!

Like Poesy I also had a friend growing up who smelt. She wasn't allowed a bath or shower when on her period and was only allowed a bath on a Sunday other weeks. It was really sad. I'm ashamed to say the 12 year old me let our friendship drift as I hated people thinking I smelt too. I think the time for tip-toeing around this has gone; you're the grown up and need to tell them to wash more often. If baths and showers are banned when they're with RP, It's probably also worth showing them how to have a decent strip wash with just a sinful of water. Good luck.

Maybe cornstarch and baking soda your soda too? I've done baking soda on mattresses and it helps. You'll need aLOT of baking soda though - not from supermarket, more like B&Q if they sell it.

The showering shouldn't be up for discussion. Your DH needs to be tough on this. If they don't want soap then Sanex is easily available and doesn't have soap/parabens/scent etc in and isn't expensive. Other more expensive options obviously available too.

He needs to sit them down, tell them he loves them, they are getting older now and need to take care of themselves. That when they're with him they need to arrive, shower and change. They're not babies, hormones produce odours and it's socially unacceptable to smell. He's going to have to spell this out to them, because they actually don't know. Reiterate he loves them, he wants the best for them, and that they're not children now, but young adults. As such, in his home (I get it's yours, but using "his" to be clear it's from him) they're going to have to behave like it. Shower upon arrival after rugby and then every morning or evening - they choose).

Don't add threats. If they don't do it, then wifi off threat. If they still don't, turn it off. And take phones if they have 3-4G.

It needs to be non-negotiable, because it is non-negotiable!

I feel really sorry for them.

I also can't bring my mind to think about having periods (assuming DSD has started) and only washing once a week. What mother could think that was ok for her daughter?!

If none of it works, take them swimming! (Kidding - they'd need a pre-pool wash!).