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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Attached but now have to pull back

28 replies

stardust1218 · 12/01/2019 17:41

Hello everyone,
I apologize if this is in the wrong subforum. I'm new to talking about this and engaging in a forum about this. About a month or two ago, I was introduced into my partners childs life. She is a beautiful, funny, intelligent and caring three year old girl. When she met me, she took to me immediatly and we've bonded quickly in a short period of time. She tells me she loves me, misses me when she's with her mother, follows me around, is constantly playing with me, has me brush her hair and paint her nails, kiss her boo boo's, etc. I don't have any biological children but have come to love this child as if she was my own. However, as exciting as everything was she's started calling out for her mother more. She isn't lashing out or angry, she just gets into periods of sadness where she might crawl under the table for a few minutes and not want to come out because she misses momma. And she's begun acting strange with my partner (her father) while remaining attached to me. As a result, both ber biological father and her mother have decided to reset the process of us (myself, and her mothers partner) being around her and reduce time to a few hours a week.

As a result, I'm struggling with a lot of issues surrounding seperation. I feel like I just fully engulfed myself in this childs life taking care of her, and loving her, and being around her constantly and the thought of only seeing her a few days a week creates a lot of sadness and anxiety in me. I would never push for otherwise if it's the best choice for her; but I am experiencing some irrational/rational feelings. I feel out of control because I'm NOT her bio mom and can't be there in the same way or make decisions parenting her, I feel resentment (irrationally) towards my partner for "taking her away from me" (help, anyone relate or know how to deal with these irrational feelings?), and I'm scared of the journey ahead or how to help integrate us into her life in a way thats beneficial (what do you look out for?)

Thoughts opinions and experiences that are related are all welcome. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Doyoumind · 12/01/2019 17:50

How could you have loved her like your own after knowing her a month? It's clear you don't have your own children and that you have some serious issues. There is some kind of void in your life and it's not this little girl's job to fill it. You massively overstepped the boundaries.

Bluestitch · 12/01/2019 17:52

I think it's probably for the best that you've been asked to take a step back tbh.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 12/01/2019 17:56

It’s very disturbing you’re reaction given the length of time you been involved in this girls life

user1493413286 · 12/01/2019 18:08

I think you need to take a step back too; to feel that strongly after a couple of months is quite unusual.
When I met DSD I played with her a lot and tried to become her friend; I didn’t immediately “take care of her” as you’ve said and I’ve always been very aware that she has a mum. Nowadays me and DH are a team but in the early months I expected DH to do the care giving for his child and be the parent.
Your partners childs behaviour is not unusual; children often initially love someone new in their life but she needs to know that you aren’t trying to take on her mums or dads role.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2019 18:15

Blimey OP, it’s all very full on. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Do you live together?

He and his ex are absolutely right to try and settle their daughter by giving her more time with them each on their own. You need to respect that. She’s their child, they know her best. You also need to take a big step back and think about why you’ve attached to her so quickly and in such an intense way. Your relationship is with your boyfriend, the bond you may, in time, create with his daughter is separate.

It’s one thing sensibly acknowledging that when you date a parent you take them and their children as a package, and another being jealous and resentful of the relationship your boyfriend has with his child.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 12/01/2019 18:26

I wrote a long reply but I just got angrier whilst writing

You have no clue...you do not have an iota of understanding after a month or two

Just do what you agreed with the child's parents and get some help for your wildly irrational feelings

MrsFL · 12/01/2019 18:30

I think you need to step back from this little girl & get some support to understand why you have got attached to her so quickly & dramatically as it is not ‘normal’. I don’t mean that to be unkind, but I think you need to understand what has driven this.

lunar1 · 12/01/2019 19:31

If my children's dad wanted you anywhere near our children I think I'd grab them and run far away!

Youbrokemytwatometer · 12/01/2019 19:37

but I am experiencing some irrational/rational feelings.

No, they all seem thoroughly irrational.

I'm NOT her bio mom

You are in no way close to being any kind of mum figure.

You need to step waaaaaay back, OP. This is not normal.

Why do you think you have become so attached I'm short a short space of time?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 12/01/2019 19:41

Wow, this post sent a shiver down my spine.

RomanyRoots · 12/01/2019 19:47

You should not be such a big part of this child's life, she really is nothing to do with you. She could be with time but not after a month.
Please seek some help as this isn't normal, there is no need for you to mother her, she has one of those already and sounds that your over eagerness to play mummy and dollies has confused the little girl.
I'm confused as to how you'd feel separated from a child you hardly know and met a month ago.

Original poster

stardust1218 · 12/01/2019 19:52

I don't understand why it is becoming attached to a child and loving her in a short period of time is something that is disturbing or to be alarmed about to anyone. Is it not a positive thing to love a child and accept her into my life if my boyfriend and I are serious and want to have a future? This is a new situation for me, and I'm adjusting. I came here for support. I am not opposed to gentle criticism or even hearing to be careful of attachment but why am I getting attacked? Is that allowed here?

OP posts:

Youbrokemytwatometer · 12/01/2019 19:57

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 12/01/2019 19:57

You have known the kid for 4-8 weeks. You don't love her. In fact, your overbearing behaviour towards her is all about you and not her and it sounds damaging and disruptive. I say this as a hands on step parent.

Bluestitch · 12/01/2019 19:58

You've known her a month. You should be a peripheral figure at this stage, not involved in her care. The idea that you love her as your own is ridiculous and she has probably become so unsettled because a total stranger appears to have decided they are her parent. You could split up with your partner next week and you'd never see her again. Your mindset isn't healthy.

BartonHollow · 12/01/2019 19:59

If your own partner has sided with his EX in the opinion that your behaviour towards their child is too intense, and is interfering with her psychological wellbeing then that it what is happening, and what you feel is irrelevant here because the child takes priority.

It wouldn't surprise me if this was the beginning of the end of this relationship...

Youbrokemytwatometer · 12/01/2019 20:01

When she met me, she took to me immediatly and we've bonded quickly in a short period of time. She tells me she loves me, misses me when she's with her mother, follows me around, is constantly playing with me, has me brush her hair and paint her nails, kiss her boo boo's, etc.

This all seems very much about how she makes you feel loved and important. Is that something you've been missing in your life?

Notveryadventurousname · 12/01/2019 20:02

Your perspective seems all about you and how you have been affected rather than putting the child's needs first. You seem to have treated her like a giant doll. You probably had the best intentions but please recognise you need to take a big step back. Not to be dismissive, but are you quite young?

ladybee28 · 12/01/2019 21:21

I really hope this is a wind-up.

I don't understand why it is becoming attached to a child and loving her in a short period of time is something that is disturbing or to be alarmed about to anyone.

Because it's incredibly confusing for HER. She already has a mother, and this new person is acting like one after a MONTH.

I've got a cucumber in my fridge that's been there longer than you've been in this kid's life.

How is she expected to make sense of all this at three and a half? Who is this new woman who's acting like she's my mother? And why? And what happened to my real mother? And how am I supposed to behave?

Is it not a positive thing to love a child and accept her into my life if my boyfriend and I are serious and want to have a future?

If you and your boyfriend are serious and want to have a future, you've got plenty of time to build up a relationship with his daughter. Chill out.

However, as exciting as everything was she's started calling out for her mother more.

This speaks VOLUMES. None of this is meant to be 'exciting'. She's not a toy.

Back off.

(Also, we're all adults on this forum, so we know what a bruise or a scrape is. You don't need to call it a boo-boo.)

swingofthings · 13/01/2019 05:57

Startdust, I've been there. Fell madly in love with a man who had two girls from two mums. The eldest was 8 and we got along well but more detached. The 3 yo though was so cute and adorable, I fell in love with her immediately. Like your partner's girl, she became very clingy with me, and my heart melted every time and I felt so happy with my partner and this little family. Then out of the blue, he ended the relationship. I was devastated and couldn't understand why. All he told me was that I was getting too attached too quickly. At first I didn't understand and thought he was talking about himself. It took time to understand that he was talking about his daughter mainly.

This was 25 years ago. Since then I had my children, separated, remarried and got to totally understand what he meant. The reality was that without being conscious of it, I was desperate to be a mum, and this little girl gave me what I craved as a mum. Deep inside, I wanted to play mum and happy family. At the time, I thought every thing was simple and we could just be a happy family when the girls came to see their dad. I had no appreciation that this little girl had her own mum and didn't need another one. She was coming to see her dad, not me. My then partner got worried I was getting attached much too quickly when he was just at the stage of commuting to me and that 5his level of attachment could be harmful to his girl if it continued and he'd decided a few months later that we were not right for eachother.

I couldn't see it at the time but he was absolutely right. Your OH has decided to reduce contact between you and her instead, so hang on to that. You need to reflect as to why you've fallen so madly in love with this little girl and appreciate that your reaction might become quite confusing for her. Unlike with her parents, her feelings for you are not unconditional but needs to grow slowly from mutual acceptance.

Dont be upset by the situation, use it to reflect where you went wrong with your emotions. Accept that taking a step back is the right thing to do and focus on your relationship with your partner. Keep reminding that your link with this child is him, and it will take a long time for it to become only you and her if ever. No one knows what the future will bring, so it's important to prote t everyone's feelings as much as possible.

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 06:04

Poor little girl, she is confused. She likes you and her mother so is bound to miss both of you at times but she is not your daughter. Be her friend but don't overdo the mothering bit, she's only three.

(What on earth are her 'boo boos' (with or without apostrophe), that you kiss? Sounds seriously weird. I am a mother and am pretty sure I've never kissed any boo boos.)

Just slow down, you'll eventually find the right level.

When I read threads like this one I really do not know why people get involved with potential partners who have young children. It's all so complicated.

lboogy · 13/01/2019 06:13

Some harsh responses. Nothing wrong with op loving a child. Op is not trying to interfere in the children's parenting. She's just expressing sadness at not being able to see the child more often. Sometimes when you have a deep yearning for a child yourself you can end up projecting that yearning very easily.

However, OP, the feelings of being resentful/ angry about not seeing the child is irrational and you need to get a grip quickly. I'd suggest counselling because it's clear you have a need that you're using the child to fulfil and that's not right. What happens if you and the bf split?

SandyY2K · 13/01/2019 10:43

People are way too harsh. It is possible to deliver a message with sensitivity and diplomacy... or maybe not for some ppl actually.
You Yes...you've become too attached too quickly.... but some people are like that in relationships.

I'm not saying it's a good thing...but no need for some responses.

Step back... try never to get that attached...because in the event of a split...you have no rights to see a step child.

I think stepping back as the parents have said is the right thing.

goldengummybear · 13/01/2019 15:15

They haven't banned you from seeing her so focus on enjoying the times that you do so her. It's unusual to love her so soon- as a mum the most that I expect from their stepmother is that she's fond of them the way that their teachers are at school. After only 2 months I wouldn't expect more than "enjoyed spending time" with my kids. Are you broody OP? I'd investigate why you feel so intensely after such a short period. I also recommend that your time with her is less intense. The little girl obviously feels overwhelmed and conflicted about things and deserves stability. Your oh and ex have done the right thing by their dd.

In your shoes I'd be discussing with my oh what role you should play. During your time with her how does her Dad behave? For example is she hugging and kissing Dad when she gets hurt too?

Helmlover · 13/01/2019 19:08

As harsh as the responses have been in this thread, I agree with them. You are not the child’s mother and you need to take a step back. It sounds like you have mental health issues around attachment and I seriously recommend seeking professional help, as your feelings about this child who you hardly know are bizarre to say the least. The fact that the poor child is hiding under tables and crying out for her mother says to me that she feels uncomfortable around you and is being emotionally damaged by your ‘clingy’ behaviour. Seek help OP.

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