Attached but now have to pull back

[stardust1218]

Hello everyone,
I apologize if this is in the wrong subforum. I'm new to talking about this and engaging in a forum about this. About a month or two ago, I was introduced into my partners childs life. She is a beautiful, funny, intelligent and caring three year old girl. When she met me, she took to me immediatly and we've bonded quickly in a short period of time. She tells me she loves me, misses me when she's with her mother, follows me around, is constantly playing with me, has me brush her hair and paint her nails, kiss her boo boo's, etc. I don't have any biological children but have come to love this child as if she was my own. However, as exciting as everything was she's started calling out for her mother more. She isn't lashing out or angry, she just gets into periods of sadness where she might crawl under the table for a few minutes and not want to come out because she misses momma. And she's begun acting strange with my partner (her father) while remaining attached to me. As a result, both ber biological father and her mother have decided to reset the process of us (myself, and her mothers partner) being around her and reduce time to a few hours a week.

As a result, I'm struggling with a lot of issues surrounding seperation. I feel like I just fully engulfed myself in this childs life taking care of her, and loving her, and being around her constantly and the thought of only seeing her a few days a week creates a lot of sadness and anxiety in me. I would never push for otherwise if it's the best choice for her; but I am experiencing some irrational/rational feelings. I feel out of control because I'm NOT her bio mom and can't be there in the same way or make decisions parenting her, I feel resentment (irrationally) towards my partner for "taking her away from me" (help, anyone relate or know how to deal with these irrational feelings?), and I'm scared of the journey ahead or how to help integrate us into her life in a way thats beneficial (what do you look out for?)

Thoughts opinions and experiences that are related are all welcome. Thank you so much.

OP I can imagine that some of these posts have left you reeling. They are a bit harsh.
But what you need to try and see is that your post, in black and white, comes across as completely unboundaried behaviour.

I’m sure that you feel your intent is great and indeed welcoming a child and caring for them is a great thing to want to do. The challenge every poster on here has (myself included) is that your approach is far too fast far too soon and your response to these parents asking you to step back is just borderline obsessive/ creepy.

I mean I think my DC are great, but if anyone, after this space of time, felt this way (and articulated feeling this way), I would keep them away from my children. Why? Because how have your emotions moved this quickly? How have you formed an attachment this quickly? And then put all of that emotional burden/ expectation on a very young child who is transitioning between mummy and daddy. That child is withdrawing because it probably feels incredibly overwhelming and confusing and she has nowhere close to the emotional capability to understand what is happening.

Both of these parents, thank fully have been able to step in and agree what sounds like a sensible approach.

I would also add that if my partner encroached on my time with my Dc to such an extent that they wanted my partner over me I would be deeply annoyed. Your partner and his daughter need the time and space to bond - that should be respected.

I sense from your post that you got a great deal of validation from this. Why? What is lacking in your life that within a month you require a 3 year old to give you this validation?

I don’t think you are wrong to love her. However it’s not emotionally healthy for the child to bond so quickly with you. You are just being receptive however her parents are right. She needs stability and to be less intense.

It could be a sign that this girl has some problems, some insecurities. So as lovely as it felt to be so loved, it’s a bit of a red flag. I’d be wary that there was not a stable environment for this child.

I’d take a step back, for the child’s sake and your own. Examine the dynamics of this family before you yourself get too attached.

Good lord

It's very very common for a child as young as she is to be clingy, loving and huggy with a new partner at the start. It's their way of protecting themselves and ensuring you're no threat. As time passes this eases and you can build a more solid relationship with them. Do not take how she is behaving personally, she'd be like that whoever daddy had introduced her to. I'd say exactly the same if the child was being mean/withdrawn/difficult. It's just the way different kids react.
Calm down. Respect her mum and dad's wishes.
(From a stepparent of 4 with none of my own)