Anybody ever had to go to social services?

[TropicalStorm123]

I’m just looking for some advice please.

We have some serious concerns about DSC, in particular the youngest of two children.
I don’t want to go in to too much detail for several reasons but just to give a brief outline on the situation - DSS has emotional/behavioural problems and the ex has been saying that he didn’t want to come to our house, not for any particular reason but mainly because he doesn’t like change. So for the last year we’ve hardly seen him but DH has been speaking to him on the phone often. He’s recently started visiting us again and we’re seriously concerned about his health and well-being, again I don’t want to go in to detail just in case this post is seen by her as there’s potential this could end up in a court case.
But there are clear and indisputable signs of neglect, we’re seriously worried about him.

My main concern is that his mum hasn’t mentioned these concerning things to us, she doesn’t seem bothered about it.

The family already have a social worker involved with them, DH and I know we need to speak to them but we’re worried that if she knows it’s us that she’ll stop DS (or both kids) from coming to us.
We now think maybe she was stopping him from coming maybe to hide him from us, so we couldn’t see that he’s being neglected.

I know that we can make an anonymous report to SS but the things we would say would make it pretty clear it’s come from us.
At least whilst DSS is coming to us we can keep an eye on him and try and treat the issues in the little time we have.

It sounds so simple “report it to SS” but we’re just worried about the repercussions.

Has anybody had a similar situation? Did SS take it seriously? I know if they look at him they will be able to see what we’re seeing. But she’s a good liar, I’m worried she’ll be able to wriggle her way out of this and just stop DSS from visiting again.

I've had to call children's services a few times due to concerns about my ex's parenting.

They always handled things quite sensitively. If you have concerns please do voice them.

Talk to school.
If they have a social worker it's possible they are part of the TAC process.
If signs of neglect are obvious, they may also have noticed.
Does dad have parental responsibility?

Also if anybody has been in a similar situation and been able to get custody I’d be interested to know how long this takes and what the process is.

I just want to stress that this isn’t a petty case of new wife having a moan about the ex, we’re seriously concerned that if something doesn’t change DSS could end up in hospital or worse.

If he goes to school they would be great to talk to as they have to report concerns.

Yes he does have parental responsibility.

We have also been in this situation a few yeara ago . My Dh chose to inform social services . It was not taken seriously and just treated as tit for tat between separated parents. Fast forward on 4 years and the children have finally been removed from the abuse they were suffering by social services and placed with us.
We now have very traumatised children , and yes we are bitter that social services never investigated all those years ago , because 'separated parents often make these things up about each other'

If DH goes in to school would they keep it confidential?

I have a family member who has a child that is being neglected. Social Services are involved however will not take the chikd from the care of the resident parent. Basically it comes down that there are worse cases.

Hectic - yes that’s what I’m worried about, we’ve been worried about emotional abuse for years but always knew that wouldn’t be taken seriously, that it would just be seen as tit for tat. But now there’s evidence of physical abuse/neglect and I’m sure a Doctor would confirm it.
I know that they have a social worker but not sure if they’ve ever actually met the kids or just sat in meetings at school.

Arnoldbee - I suspect that would be the case here. Despite the fact that DH has PR and a safe and loving home for DSC, I suspect that the ex would play a convincing role of the doting mother who is trying her best to get him better. I actually suspect she has munchausen syndrome by proxy. Yes I know that sounds dramatic but the whole situation just doesn’t make sense. We also have evidence of her saying that he has a condition but a medical form stating that he doesn’t.

The social worker will have seen the children, you can make your concerns about contact being withheld

The social worker may be able to say they spoke with you as a part of the assessment or work they're undertaking

I reported concerns to SS about my DN and DBro's care. It wasn't told by SS what they would do or any outcome, which I understand. DBro is now NC with me. I don't blame him, from his point of view I can no longer be trusted. I don't regret calling SS, I am very sad that I have no contact now with DN. I'm not sure he will ever get to know my side of the story.

You absolutely risk damaging a fragile relationship with the mother, who holds all the cards. I'd firm up your contact arrangements first and ensure she cannot pull contact on a whim. Then call SS if you're still concerned.

Don't delay please. The damage could be irreparable.... He is his dad, while I understand what you are saying she can't withdraw contact if you have a court order. Team up with the school show to as any texts or evidence to support your statement. Write everything you want to say and review it truly shows your concerns. If it was my child I would call the police if needed, or record the child telling you anything suspicious... Good luck xxxxx

How long has the social worker been involved? Are the children on a child in need plan? Your husband should know this and be informed of what is happening as someone who holds PR. It is important that your husband attends the meetings has he been doing this?

Have you considered taking him to see your GP? This will get the facts "on record".

I'd definitely speak to social services a lay out your concerns about contact. If the mother tries to withhold contact then you need to go straight to court and get everything agreed.

Your DSS needs you to do everything you can to rescue him. As does your other DSC - they might be next.

I feel for you - it's a tough situation.

I second taking him to your GP and speaking to them about concerns, then contact the social worker.

merry TAF’s are supposed to be before social care involvement not at same time.

It seems unlikely she’d have stopped him coming because he’s neglected. I would have thought most parents of neglected kids would want to send them away or have no insight in to how they are affecting their DC. Maybe she’s finding things hard at the moment. Has your DP trying speaking to her and offering her support?

DH has very little communication with his ex, she’s very difficult to deal with so communication is mainly through the eldest child.
They moved out of the area a few years ago so we don’t even know which GP they are registered with now.

DH has been to meetings at school but she never tells him about medical appointments until after they have happened, despite telling her he wants to attend them.

They now live about a 2 hour drive away (they moved to live with her partner), prior to moving, DH had them 3 nights a week, it’s now unofficially every other weekend + some holidays, but there’s no court order and sometimes they’ll come extra weekends, they know that they’re welcome here whenever they like.
Not sure what we can do to help anymore when we live so far away. She does have a partner and a large family network so she’s not on her own.

We’ve had a chat about things tonight and decided to ask for a meeting with school and also going to look in to how we get a copy of DSS’s medical records.
Once we’ve got a better picture of what’s going on we can decide from there.
I’d hate to go to SS and then find out that there’s a perfectly valid reason for what is happening to him.

@TropicalStorm123 book an appointment with your GP.

SystemOne will give them summary access to his records.

I think you said injuries are visible on his body. Any "valid" reason for these should be in his record.

Do not wait. Just do it.

It does not matter how far away you live. If your husbands children have social work involvement and they stay with you for overnights then he would have been contacted as part of the assessment/on going work. He will have also been invited to meetings. They might be at the school, was the sw at the meetings he attended or where they a separate thing just to do with school. How do you know they have a social worker?

Also go to court and get a proper arrangements in place.

Anyway my next advice would be to contact children's services. You will need to contact their local authority not yours. If you have genuine concerns about abuse/neglect and you didn't report it for whatever reason, it will not look good on your dh. He needs to show he is a protective factor and putting the needs of the children above all else. They need to be safe from neglect and abuse first and foremost. Sorting out contact if she stops it can come later.

I would be concerned that their Mum has lied to SS and said that your DH isn't involved...

He needs to speak to SS about the fact he hasn't heard from them yet he's been told they are involved with his DC and he's not been asked if he has any concerns. He needs to start being proactive with SS and the school - he should ask to speak the school safeguarding officer.

SS have been involved for probably about 9-12 months now, their mum said that it was for support with DSS’s behaviour, not because of concerns for their welfare but now I’m not so sure.
SS did phone DH at the beginning asking about how DSS is whilst he’s with us and how we deal with his behaviour etc. But he’s never received any letters, updates or invitations to meetings.

I’m going to get the ball rolling with everything today. Thank you for all your replies, it’s been really helpful.

1. anything you say to any professional around the children could be accessed via the children’s mother. And vice versa. School records, medical records etc. If stuff goes to court all child services records are also disclosed.
2. meet the school. Find out which gp the children are registered at. (The school should also hold this info come to think of it) and her hold of all records.
3. it is not my personal experience that Child services are involved unless someone has put a concern on their radar. For them to have had consistent engagement for 9-12 months, something is going on. Child services are massively over stretched IME so they don’t habe the luxury of staying engaged if it’s not needed
4. contact the child services division in the local authority where the children reside and based on surnames/ dob etc they will be able to locate the records. What info they will need (proof of PR) before they disclose that has been happening can be found out.
5. be careful and watch everything you say to Child services. Stay calm, measured and keep all dialogue child centric. Not about the ex. They record everything and hold a great deal of power. After every convo, make notes on what was said and log the call etc.
6. start making a file / notes on all interactions with all professionals. Start a contact diary recording all concerns to do with the children. All of this will be evidence if needed one day.

Right now, you need info. Start getting it