Should I want to meet stepchild's mother?

[PastaCake]

Hi, I'm new to step parenting and have found a lot of these threads helpful. I'm new to this forum so apologies if I don't use the correct terminology.

OH has been sent an email by my stepchildren's mum to say that she finds it rude that I "don't want do meet her". I find this very odd as in my mind there is no reason for me to want to meet my OH's ex. I have said previously that if she wants to meet me then I understand and am happy to meet in a cafe if she wanted.

I would expect her to invite me so that she makes clear she is comfortable meeting me. I hope this makes sense.. anyway, what do you think? Should I be going out my way and trying to arrange a meeting?

I didn't meet my SDC's mum for absolutely years. DH dealt with all interactions. It worked well, we've never had any conflict.

The DC are now 30 ish and we are GPs and it is very civil, I last saw my DH's 1st wife at the hospital bed & we chatted for an hour or so.

Thanks for the reply, that's how I envisioned things going, OH can do all the interaction. We'd meet if and when we needed to, I don't see the need to engineer a special meeting but if she wanted to I would understand. But I would expect her to tell me that's what she wanted. Instead she has complained that I haven't asked to meet her yet which has confused me.

I met DSDs mum when me and DH became serious and I started spending time with DSD; It consisted of a cup of tea and quick chat at her house when we dropped DSD off. I can’t say I wanted to but I understood her wish to meet the person spending time with her DD and it made any drop offs or pick ups much easier as we’ll say hi and have a brief chat without awkwardness.
However It’s not your responsibility to want to meet with her and you shouldn’t have to make the first step; it should come from her in my opinion

I think it would make everything that bit less awkward if we did meet. OH has been told I'm not welcome to come to Mum's house so when I have joined him for pick up I've had to get out and wait elsewhere. Which I do with no complaints as I understand her not wanting me on her patch. Unfortunately though this means there is little chance for a casual meeting. Do you think it's ok for me to pass a message to her through OH that I'm fine with meeting her and if she wants to to let OH know? Or should I just leave it?

As a Mum and a non official SM, I can see both sides. Before I intro’d My DP to my DC I told my EXh and offered to arrange a meeting if he wanted to meet my DP before the DC did. He extended me the same courtesy.
We have an amicable relationship but I knew it would be tricky to navigate this.

If I were you, I’d have the OH reply to the email and say you’d be happy to meet and take it from there.

Gosh no! I've met DP's ex but the first time was only because I was at DP's house when ex came to pick up DSD the one day and then subsequent times were after I'd moved in, again I just happened to be home when ex came to pick up DSD. It's not weird at all to not want to meet you though an all communication should be via your ex not her so really there's no real reason for you to even need to meet other than if you're say at your DC's birthday party together or something.

Sorry misread and thought you were the Mum not stepmum (I'm half asleep). All communication should be via your OH and you may meet at your DSCs parties and things.

OH has been told I'm not welcome to come to Mum's house so when I have joined him for pick up I've had to get out and wait elsewhere

Why can't you just wait in the car whilst he goes in? She doesn't get to decide if you ride in the car or not.

I think what has confused me is he has already said to her that I was willing to meet up with her before I met the children so I'm concerned that I'm being perceived as rude by not initiating the meeting but really I have been trying to respect her boundaries. I stay out the way when she comes to pick the children up in case she finds it difficult to see them with me, but thinking about it maybe she would prefer I come to the door and say hello. My OH struggles having to see her partner when he picks up the children so I was treading carefully there. I will take on board your advice and just ask OH to let her know again that I'm willing to meet her and all she has to do is let us know how she is most comfortable with that happening, thank you.

@PoesyCherish I'm not sure, maybe she doesn't like the idea of me being at the old family home? but she didn't want me coming to their house so I wait down the road while he picks them up with bags etc. I wouldn't want them to have to carry their bags further than they have to so I don't mind.

I'm not sure, maybe she doesn't like the idea of me being at the old family home? but she didn't want me coming to their house so I wait down the road while he picks them up with bags etc. I wouldn't want them to have to carry their bags further than they have to so I don't mind.

You misunderstand me. I didn't mean it in the sense of from her perspective. I meant it in the sense of from your own and DP's perspective. She doesn't get to decide what goes on between you, DP and the kids including with regards to who is or isn't in the car at any given point in time. Your DP shouldn't be giving her this level of control. Park at the house, stay in the car and he can go in and collect them.

I stay out the way when she comes to pick the children up in case she finds it difficult to see them with me, but thinking about it maybe she would prefer I come to the door and say hello. My OH struggles having to see her partner when he picks up the children so I was treading carefully there

That is wrong on so many levels. They both need to get over themselves and accept they've both moved on. It's your home too, you shouldn't have to stay out of the way.

As the mum I’d want to know who my DC were spending time with. And we’re likely to see each other at events such as birthday parties, school plays, weddings, etc so it benefits everyone if we know each other and can be civil. Your situation sounds odd though because this woman has actively banished you from her home but now is upset about not meeting you?

I'd say she's just stirring it, since she's already been pretty hostile by banning you from pick ups. She clearly thinks she gets to call all the shots or that should be seeking her approval.

And I say that as a parent. I knew my child's SM before she got with my DP. Had actually been for a drink with her years ago with her then BF. But even if I hadn't, I wouldn't expect her to want to meet me, or make out she was a bad/weird person for not doing so.

It's happened naturally since, and it's been absolutely fine, no awkwardness. But that's because I'm not a control freak and have trusted my ex's judgement. And I certainly wouldn't let my ex be telling me that any new partner of mine should be meeting him in anything other than the natural progression of things.

However, I guess now the next step is that she insists on meeting you, and then things will be more awkward. Even more so if you decline.

How old are the children and how long have you been part of their lives?

So she banned you from her house and then she finds it rude that you didn't make efforts to meet her??? That sounds crazy. If she was rude to you, but then became reasonable, she should be the one to contact you to explain that she changed her mind. That's what happened with DP's ex#1 and ex#2 when the latter was his partner. At first, ex#1 was hostile, then she called her and they developed a relationship. Years later, they are apparently even friends. At least, I see them super excited when they talk to each other on the phone eventhough they live 15 min away from each other (they are Cuban, different culture too I guess)....

If she wrote something to your partner about you, don't give it too much thought. Manipulative exes could say things about you just to make you look bad, but that doesn't change anything in your life. Like others said, your DP can send a message saying that if she wants to meet you, she can arrange it, but even that is not necessary. If she wants to meet you, she can be direct about it instead of implying something that you're not even sure about.

Legally, she can’t demand to meet you. What dad does on his time, and who he introduces the children to is his business (and vice versa).

IMO it would be a no in this case. The mother sounds hostile and it’s a control tactic.

I’ve been with my OH over 6 years and have been in his children’s lives over 5 years. I’ve never met the kids mother, have seen her (when she’s usually screaming expletives at her EH). She’s hostile and TBH I don’t want to get involved in her drama.

I don’t get involved in any communication - my OH is the dad, that’s up to him.

I would say it would be fine if it happened naturally, and both parties wanted it, BUT... in your specific situation and the way she has acted so far I would say absolutely no!

She's obviously trying to control and manipulate the situation by banning you from pick ups and then going behind your back to your partner complaining you don't want to meet her...

I was in a similar situation and I still have not met my SD mum (been with partner 5 years and have 2 further children together) I had no problem with it either, but the way she was acting was off, wasn't matching up and my gut just told me it wasn't right. She occasionally mentions to him she really wants to meet me and it's "weird" we haven't met yet, but I have no interest in meeting someone who behaves in a way that crosses my boundaries and makes me feel uncomfortable...especially when I don't have to...

As I say it happening naturally is one thing, but to force it under such weird circumstances I can't see how any good would come of it.

Hi Everyone, thanks so much for all your input. @Anuta77 - that is exactly how the situation has come across to me. Maybe there has been some misscomunication somewhere between her and my OH.
@PoseyCherish - we defiantley need to sort out pick up as I think you are right.

I think from what you have all said i just need to be a bit mindful that I'm not trying to do so much to be careful of her feelings that 1) I make it worse and 2) I end up feeling like my needs are not being listened to.

I don't mind staying out the way when pick up is at ours, it's not hard to do (just means I say goodbye to them in the house then they go to the door to do handover, no need for me to be involved).

I think I'll ask OH to let her know that if she wants to meet me she just has to ask. And I'll sit in the car for next pick up from hers and he can let her know I'm there And ask does she want me to come and say hi or is she busy? Then leave it at that- I'm not going to force it.

@GoogleBoogle & @NorthernSpirit and @Youbrokemytwatometer I'm really hoping it's not a control thing and it's all just been misscommunicated. But I am maybe being naive. It's only been 1 year since I started seeing the children, age range 5-12. I shall make sure to look out for myself and if we end up with an awkward forced fake friendly hello then so be it, but she has to initiate it and we will not be inviting her into our house in case this just causes more problems.

My husbands ex was like this. She was appalled that he had introduced someone to 'her' children without 'her' permission. Despite the fact that she had already introduced her bf to the kids and had them calling him daddy. Double standards much! My Dh informed her that he would make his own judgments about when it was appropriate to introduce someone to his kids just as she does in her own contact time.

She also thought it was outrageous that she hadn't met me and she pushed for this (putting the blame on me of course). She even said if I didn't want to meet her then I couldn't be around 'her' children. She was so horrible and rude to Dh that it really put me off meeting her, so I refused. If she had been nicer about it I definitely would have met up with her.

Again, it was all about control. She actually expected Dh to dump me if she didn't like me after our meeting! She basically wanted the control of vetting me and deciding whether I was good enough for her ex and kids. I am glad I didn't meet up with her because it sent a clear message that she didn't have that power.

I have met her since when it has naturally occurred. Drop off/ pick up, parties etc. This is fine because it is all quick, light conversation. If she had been nicer from the outset things could be different.

I would say do what's right for you and don't give her too much headspace. If you think it's too weird to meet her yet then don't. But don't be hiding in your own home or going down to the end of the street just because she's there. Stay in the car during pick ups and just carry on doing whatever you were doing in your own home. You are present in their lives and she needs to deal with that.

My kids are older so no regular drop off or pick up. My XH didn't let me know the kids were meeting his new partner but I declined the invite to meet her (she was in the car outside - I knew her at college). I have no interest in meeting her.

Don't be controlled by the XW. I really think it's silly having to get out of the car and hide round the corner - but not sure whether you really need to go along at all? And as for inviting her to meet - I think that could be seen as getting in someone's face if you had suggested it yourself.

To be honest (& I mean this kindly) but I think you're worrying about everyone's perception of things way too much. I'm an exw & an unofficial sm & the truth is you have NO responsibility to your oh's exw in this capacity & also she doesn't get to dictate who is in her ex's car when he picks up or drops off their children.
However, if I were you I would be worried by the fact that despite them both having partners neither of them seem to have emotionally moved on. Her not wanting to see you & your own oh struggling with her partner would be a massive red flag to me that they are both still locked in an emotional relationship. When people have fully moved on they generally feel a good natured ambivalence toward their ex & his/her new life.

See I don't get why your DP would even need to mention you're in the car? It's just not relevant at all.

I totally agree with @Magda72 about it being a huge red flag that they're both so concerned about each other and their new partners. This level of concern is not normal at all. Also I think you're overthinking it too. Don't give her so much headspace. Your concern is you, your DP and the DC.

I agree with PoesyCherish and Magda:

1. he's with you, why does he find it hard seeing her partner?
2. you shouldn't walk on eggshells, especially since she has a new partner and especially not in your home or the car.
3. it's normal for a mother to want to meet the person who will be spending time with her kids, but she has to be respectful.

I've never met my ex's new partner nor do I want to. She is nothing to me.