Should I want to meet stepchild's mother?

[PastaCake]

Hi, I'm new to step parenting and have found a lot of these threads helpful. I'm new to this forum so apologies if I don't use the correct terminology.

OH has been sent an email by my stepchildren's mum to say that she finds it rude that I "don't want do meet her". I find this very odd as in my mind there is no reason for me to want to meet my OH's ex. I have said previously that if she wants to meet me then I understand and am happy to meet in a cafe if she wanted.

I would expect her to invite me so that she makes clear she is comfortable meeting me. I hope this makes sense.. anyway, what do you think? Should I be going out my way and trying to arrange a meeting?

Thanks everyone. Yes, I'm definitely giving her too much head space and worrying too much about her feelings I think. I'll just get on with whatever I'm doing and if we meet then we meet. I'm only in the car for pick up if I finish work at the right time as it's on the way back home but there's nothing stopping me making my own way back.

In regards to OH feeling uncomfortable with her new partner - that is a very recent thing and it's moved quite quickly. He said it was down to new man seeing more of his children than him after only a few months. I'll keep it in mind and hopefully he will adjust to the situation, thanks for the warnings.

I’m on both sides of this- my exH has a new partner and my DP has an ex wife. I think it’s better for the DC to see everyone getting on. I find it weird that exH’s GF stays in the car if she’s there when he picks up the DC (the DC always spend a good 10 mins faffing and exH often has a cup of tea so it’s not a quick pick up) and last time I made a point of popping my head in the car and saying hi when I was waving the DC off. I’ve met DP’s exW a few times at drop off/ pick up and she’s always very friendly.

I think it all sounds a bit chinese whispers with your DP relaying messages between you- is it possible he is the one who is uncomfortable with you meeting? From what you’ve said I would just arrange a meeting and go from there. Just a casual chat at pick up/ drop off would do.

So she has you getting out of a car and waiting around while your OH collects his kids? And then you have to skulk around your own home “in case she feels uncomfortable” with you (a normal, sane, rational being who the kids like) around the dc?

Fuck that!

Stop getting out of there car and go about your business in your own home as you wish

You are both allowing this woman far too much space in your lives

I met my husbands ex wife after three years of her ignoring me... like OP I was forbidden from going near the house if we went to get DSS. If she picked him up from ours she would park around the corner and my DH would have to wait till she rang then walk my DSS around the corner. Was ridiculous. My DH had met all her partners during this period of time during pickup and collections it was just pharsical!
Eventually awkwardly she decided three years down the line that we should “met” so once when she picked DSS I was allowed to say hi to her 🙈😂
It’s been 10 years now, sometimes she will still refuse to come to the house to get DSS.
No idea why. We’ve actually even spent Xmas dinner around the same table and various points over the past few years.

I know so many people who get on well with their Ex’s which I think is the best for everyone. Ours was doomed from the offset.
To avoid awkwardness maybe you can ask if you can have her number? Fire a text out saying would be lovely to meet you at some point.... let me know when you are free.
Ball is in her court!

I find it a bit weird that you don’t want to know your step children’s mother. Obviously there are a lot of situations where a relationship between step parents and biological parents isn’t possible but in an ideal situation it’s best for the children that everyone caring for them knows each other and are friendly towards one another.

i am with teaandtoastie -
First DP of EX - I did not need to meet, she was the OW and part of our circle of friends. Hell would have frozen over before I met her again. Having said that I did know how she parented and was falsely reassured that she would extend my DCS the same.

Roll onto DP2 of Ex - I have met her, she is lovely. We went for a coffee, discussed DCS - their likes and dislikes and what were the best battles to pick with them. EX had no clue after 4 years of minimal contact. I also said if you think you are having your leg pulled, DC1 the sick one is ill, phone me - she has and I have phoned her and EX to say DC having issues, ill etc.

So much less stress than version 1 - who made me park my car 5 streets away after a 2.5 hr drive, then walk them to the end of their road and phone EX. I would then leg it to the nearest petrol station for a pee and drive 2.5 hours home - I loved those Friday evenings - thank god they did not happen much!

My OH struggles having to see her partner when he picks up the children
Why?

Was it an amicable split?

Why does he make you get out of the car at pick up?

You're not entering her house.

Did her partner want or initiate a meeting with your OH?

I don't mind meeting her and I'm not going to avoid her or hide any more but I'm not going out my way to arrange meeting up with her. She is nothing to do with me really. If she would like to meet me she can arrange this.

I've spoken to OH about him not liking seeing her partner. He said it's got easier and is just getting used to the fact the children have a male father figure in their lives more than he is. I explained that he is no more a father figure than I am a mother and I think this has helped a bit.

Thanks to everyone who's helped me out with advice :)

I first met my dsd dm after about 6 months. Over the first 4 years she blew hot and cold and I'd always bite my lip. The point I had enough and left all contact to dp. In hindsight I think I had to much contact initially and would recommend a brief encounter then step back and leave them to it. I wish I'd done that at the beginning as last 4 years any little thing she does to annoy me gets my back up 🤣

Sounds like your partner's ex thinks the whole world revolves around her.... time she learned that it doesn't....

So.. yesterday was interesting.
EX came to our front door to pick children up (she's started doing this instead of waiting in the car) and so I decided this time I'd answer and get it over with. I said Hello X, thought I should introduce myself so you can put a face to a name and put my hand out.

She just stared at me. In silence.

I feel like I've done my bit now. No idea if I've made it worse or did the right thing. But i'd had enough of making it a big deal in my head.

She just stared at me. In silence.

Not one word?? I think I might have shut the door in her ignorant face.

I am not divorced although I did come from a broken family. think that I'd want to meet the person who is going to be partly parenting my children, you're being given a very responsible job looking after children, I'd want to know if you're worthy to be honest - I am a bit over cautious but it's important as it's the children's' welfare at stake

It makes it easier for children if everyone knows and is getting on with everyone else. If they see that mum is happy for you to spend time with them it makes it easier for them and you to have a relationship.

Not one word. Just stood in silence so I just put my hand down and stood there n silence also until the children came to the door. Which wasn't long but felt like an eternity.

You were very kind and courteous and she was extremely rude.

You have now done everything you can. Leave your Oh to sort out everything with his ex and their children. Stay out of it all.

Make sure it’s your partner who is caring for the kids and not you. You need to be a fun auntie figure and not a parent.

Make sure your partner doesn't make you piggy in the middle .

Thanks for the advice @WH1SPERS. I'm definitely going for fun auntie :)

Your OHs ex is obviously keen to ramp up the drama and unpleasantness . And I have a teeny tiny suspicion that he enjoys it, or somehow likes the idea that she is still in love with him, is heartbroken etc.

Otherwise he would stop involving you by agreeing to all her ridiculous requests.

Whatever way, you need to totally detach emotionally as well as practically . Just smile and nod when he tells you how awful she is and what she wants you to do etc etc. Then say “ I’m sure you have a plan / will work it out “.

Some men like the notion of being such a great catch that women fight over them. So they play the women in their life off each other. Complain to their wife about their mother and vice versa. Set up complex contact arrangements that they can’t do without their new partners help and them criticise her for getting involved.

Some men are so convinced that caring for children is womens work, they have to pass it on to their mother or their new partner, rather than care for their own kids 8 days a month. Or they are unwilling to change their work to care for their kids, because that’s only something that low lifes like women should do.

Your oh needs to have a word with the ex for being so appallingly rude tbh! How dare she.

Your tactic now is to kill the rude creature with kindness now, it’ll really irritate the shit out of her, and there will be nothing she can do about it

If she is anything like my DP Ex I wouldn't bother. She demanded that I got out the car when picking the kids up to be polite and say hello (After all I am around her children etc) so I dutifully agreed.

I couldn't of been more polite and all I got was an evil look up and down and she turn around and went back in house.

Pointless & I have never made an effort with her since :-)

Are you sure your dp is being completely honest about what she's saying etc?

It seems odd that she's wanting to meet you but has said the opposite to him. In wondering if she's asked to meet you before and he's given her the brush off etc.

I say this because my ex seems to want to keep me and his dp apart. She did actually turn up at my door months ago. I didn't know who she was though! She did introduce herself but I was a bit put on the spot and didn't say more than hello, and sorted the kids out. I hope that I didn't come across to her the way that God ex came across to you

I've always thought it exceptionally foolish not to do what you can to have a friendly acquaintanceship with a woman who spends time with your children.

As the mother in this situation I have always gone out of my way to be polite and friendly to SM.

And if i told my X to keep her out of the way he'd tell me to get fucked as she's his partner.

You haven't made anything worse, it's your house, you have the right to open the door.
She was rude, clearly whatever she (supposedly) wrote to your DP was manipulation just like I imagined, otherwise she would have made efforts. My DP's ex #1 was very friendly with me from the very beginning. Ex #2 was not at first (but she at least gave a polite kiss on the cheek in front of my DP), but after she realized I'm there to stay and we're going to have a baby, she made obvious efforts to be nice.

Just live your life, she doesn't seem like a serious threat. And I agree with the previous poster, being very nice can be very annoying for a person who wants to dislike you.

Thanks everyone. I have seen the email she sent myself. I shall continue to be nice :)