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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To consider ending my relationship because of DP/DSD

56 replies

BabySharkInMyHead · 04/01/2019 21:22

Let me start by saying my DSD is fantastic, an absolute sunshine in a dark sky and I love her. We have a great relationship.

My issue isn't with her it's with DP's parenting. It makes me worry for our future and the support I would get if we ever have children together.

Firstly, DSD has to sit in front of the car and DP refuses to budge and doesn't understand why I think this is unacceptable. It's a total non issue to him. I have to sit in the back of my own car sometimes. If I sit in the front, the whole journey is "why aren't I sitting in the front?" And DP responds "princesses sit in the back, darling"

Every time he goes to the shop, he has to buy her something. I think hang on, how do ever reward her or buy her a genuine treat when it's now becoming expected?

She's five and she decides whether she is staying with us overnight or whether she goes home. If she doesn't get to go home she screams for hours, literally hours. Even if she's been laughing her head off previously, as soon as it's bed time, she decides to go home and DP has to drive her back or her mum come to collect her and cancel clients at home.

He will give her a thousand options over every little thing, she can be screaming because she doesn't want to go to bed and DP says "who would you like to brush your hair baby?" And I'm sat there thinking, she is absolutely knackered and working herself up. Take the lead and just brush her hair?

"DSD, what would you like for dinner" and DD chooses and then says she doesn't like this dinner anymore. Followed by DP saying how about Jam on toast? Shock

DSD is very confident and will argue with adults, I'll say "the grass is green" and she will argue till she's blue in face. He just laughs his head off.

I love DSD, we get on great and I keep my mouth shut about these issues but his parenting style worries me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/01/2019 11:43

Asides from this is he an almost perfect partner?

If so...then I'd try and get him to understand the Disney dad thing .

If he doesn't get it...walk away...before you're stuck with him if you get pregnant.

hollyhaphazard · 05/01/2019 11:44

Run now. Don't waste any more of your life. Get the support you need to walk away. Don't have children with him. It will get MESSY. He won't support you and frankly any future children deserve better (as does his current kid). You can't change someone. He won't see sense. Accept it as it is or move on.

JillScarlet · 05/01/2019 11:49

“she decides to go home and DP has to drive her back or her mum come to collect her and cancel clients at home. “

How does her Mum put up with this?

He needs to understand that his Dd already loves him, for himself, but actually by acting as if he has to bribe her for her love she may actually come to feel that way.

Delicate stuff talking to a parent.

mummmy2017 · 05/01/2019 11:54

I can help on the she argues all the time...

You agree with her....

The grass is blue.... Oh luck you to have seen blue grass, poor us we only have green grass outside...

I want to sit in the front, yes we know you do but the police say it is against the law, we didn't know that before.
But I want to sit in the front... Repeat yes we know, but if you sit in the front we have to stay in the drive not go shopping...

JillScarlet · 05/01/2019 12:06

Does her Mum know she illegally and unsafely sits in the front seat?

I would refuse access to anyone who did not transport my child safely and within the law!

Also, the cancelling clients on contact overnights. Why is his ex putting up with this?

He had 2 adult women as hand maidens to his Disney Dadding!

ChromeFlowers · 05/01/2019 12:07

This is my post guys, I'm using another device and my name won't change but that's fine.

We've had the conversations a few times, a few weeks ago after DSD screaming to go home at bed time. I gently said you give her so many options and children need structure. I said she probably screams and plays up because she's not used to this level of freedom and so many choices at school and home. He actually agreed with me on this and said he'd stop but he hasn't.

Everything else is usually good in our relationship, certain things bug me but nobody would ever be perfect. He's normally so strict and I'd even say judgemental with other children. His nephew was over and said "don't say hate, that's not a nice word" and he whispered "condescending" to me (he said oh sorry X my mistake!).

When his own Dd does it's fine, it's cute and it shows confidence Hmm

This morning was a perfect example, she woke up and came into bed with us and I got up. I left her dressing gown in the airing cupboard (to warm up) and he got up turned the heating up to 31 degrees because "DSD prefers the heating on and doesn't want to wear the dressing gown)

So I was sweating whilst cleaning Shock

ChromeFlowers · 05/01/2019 12:09

Her mum kicks off about it at the time but has started rearranging her clients around DSD so she can stay at home.

I feel so bad, DSD is currently chilling with me after we've played games all morning and she's told me she loves me. I don't mean to sound like I resent her - that couldn't be further from the truth.

swingofthings · 05/01/2019 12:19

Gosh I share your concerns. Giving choices is supposedly an illustration of good parenting as it supports decision making, however it needs to be followed up by 'you've made your decision, you now need to accept it'.

The sitting at the front of the car, unless it is a long journey and she gets sick when sitting at the back - which was the case with my DD and medicine made her so drowsy that she would then sleep rather then enjoy the activity we drove to- is just completely ridiculous.

goldengummybear · 05/01/2019 13:44

It's good that your realisethat its your DP's parenting rather than dsd who's at fault.

lifebegins50 · 05/01/2019 18:48

They argued a lot all the time and he didn't want her being around the arguing, which is fair enough I guess

I guess they argued because she stood up to him or asserted herself. He doesn't capable of compromise.
Whilst he is "blaming" dsd needs I think this is also about ignoring your needs..you are uncomfortable and he doesn't care.

HeckyPeck · 05/01/2019 21:25

Heating at 31 degrees?! It’s not even that hot in the summer most of the time!

It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change to be honest. You’ll have to decide if you can live in a situation where you watch a lovely girl getting ruined whilst you’re powerless to stop it. I don’t think I could.

PoesyCherish · 05/01/2019 23:20

Is it really illegal for her to sit in the front? I only ask as DSD who's 7 has sat in the front of her Mum's car since she was about 3. We disagree but naff all we can do.

Anyway OP I'd run for the hills. Do you want DC in the future? Do you really want this man helping raise your DC? It's really not okay for him to be so dismissive of how you feel.

Anuta77 · 06/01/2019 05:15

As Dr Phil says, to correct a problem, one needs to know that there's one. If you have no way in making your partner understand that there's a problem (maybe read educational articles with him), I agree that you would be happier if you break up.

Youseethethingis · 07/01/2019 13:35

This is so sad to read, and I can relate because I have a similar situation going on with my own DSD7. Mostly my DP feels forced to go along with his ex’s liberal style of parenting as he values consistency for his daughter, although we do try and win small victories at a time. For example, now the child seems to know the word “please”, we might move on to coaxing her to at least TRY to wipe her own bum after a number two... maybe one day we will revisit the meaning of the word “no” but really, it’s one battle at a time.
It’s so sad because spoilt entitled children are going to struggle in life big time, and I believe it makes it harder for them to ever just be happy and content. They always want more, as they have always demanded and received more in the past. It’s not the way to show a child love and to my mind it is a form of abuse, however well meant. Basically your DP values his own “aren’t I a wonderful Daddy?” ego over his childs emotional and social development and that is unforgivable. If you tolerate this your children will be next.

steppo · 11/01/2019 13:35

I know how you feel about sitting in the back seat!! When I first met my partner I always had to sit in the back of the car when DSS was 3/4. I don't know what it was about sitting in the back but it enraged me. It felt derogatory, maybe like I was worthless? I don't know the psychology of it, it's just how I felt.

If I'd have had more about me I would've left the relationship right then, as that was only the start of the crap I'd have to eat, so to speak. Hmm

WhoPooped · 11/01/2019 13:54

@PoesyCherish no it’s not illegal to sit in the front seat of the car at any age.
However it’s illegal to have a rear-facing child seat in the front if the airbag is turned on.
Forward facing seats are perfectly legal and fine in the front. It’s safer in the back though (back passenger side is statistically the safest place in the car).

I think by the sounds of it the OP’s SD isn’t in a child car seat when she’s in the car which is illegal

WhoPooped · 11/01/2019 13:58

Also I would never sit in the back seat. My eldest DSD tried it once only a short time in our relationship (meaning hers and mine, is been with DP a good while), so I refused to get in the car unless she moved. I opened the door and held it open for her and eventually she relented and moved.
She’s never tried it since.
I never tolerate nonsense or disrespect from kids, if you let them get away with it even once they continue.

momoa80 · 11/01/2019 19:46

I'm totally feeling this thread. My dss is only 3 and all sounds similar. It's an awkward place to be, I have 2 dc aged 15 and 12 and 8 find it really difficult to bite my tongue with my dp's parenting style. No hello, or goodbye, no thanks, snatching things, my dp also does the 'should we go up to bed?' Etc letting dss decide eveeything, I wasn't overly strict with my children but I just know his style isn't my style - I'm currently 21wks preg. There'll be tears along the way I'm sure.

Kumali · 12/01/2019 07:57

Walk away. I was in your position and it got worse.. Imagine dealing with a teenager like this.. Its a waste of your life, sorry x

ChromeFlowers · 13/01/2019 06:00

No she is in a child seat, a forward facing one which gets moved about from the front to back as DSD wishes!

DP isn't one to take parenting criticism lightly, I haven't had the conversation yet as we're on holiday having a really nice time.

@WhoPooped I struggle to discipline DSD, she isn't badly behaved around me but her mum is really difficult and thinks I have no right to, DP prefers to do the disciplining also.

Sad
MycatsaPirate · 14/01/2019 21:18

He is letting a 5 year old dictate everything. He is insane to think this won't end badly.

You should actually sit down and write him a letter. Explain how you feel, explain that children given so much freedom of choice and expectations at that age cannot cope. And this child can't cope. She has far too many choices and it's got to be overwhelming. On top of that it must seem like the responsibility of deciding everything is a cop out by her dad. He is effectively putting it all on her little shoulders.

I would make it clear you want a new fresh start or you will be off.

That there are house rules, including strict bedtimes, no weekly presents, she does not make the decision to stay over or not. The fact that she chooses to go home to mum after a dad being spoiled by her dad speaks volumes. Why do you think she prefers to go home where there are rules, bedtime routines and little in the way of decision making?

She feels secure at her mums. She has boundaries, rules, a routine and knows exactly where she stands. The biggest decision she has to make is maybe what socks she wants to wear.

This is what your partner should be emulating. His DD is so overwhelmed she can't cope, so retreats home to mum because it's a trusted place.

He needs to be a dad. If needs be he has to talk to the mum and get her routine so they can give her what she needs in both homes.

You sound like a great step mum and have a chance to help their relationship. Just don't give too much of yourself and if things don't change then leave.

ChromeFlowers · 15/01/2019 06:18

@MycatsaPirate your post is everything I wanted to say to him but I couldn't word it correctly. Thank you SmileThanks

MrsDaveGrohl78 · 15/01/2019 06:43

My ex was like this (note I say ex).

His son is now 8 and an absolute nightmare. Spoilt, entitled and dictates what happens in the house.

Ex has made a rod for his own back.

Shockers · 15/01/2019 07:07

“Her Mum is really difficult.”

You’re on a hiding to nothing here. If you do put your foot down, you will become the common enemy.

I work with children with EBD- the set up you describe is all too familiar. It takes these poor kids a long time to come to terms with the fact that they cannot always dictate what will happen in their day, and even longer to appreciate that other people are equally important as they are. Self esteem can take a real pounding because, especially in mainstream schools, staff and other pupils don’t have the time or patience for tears and tantrums over small issues.

In our small setting, we have to do a lot of work around boundaries and also around self esteem- you are still valued and important, even when people aren’t just giving in to your demands.

Lots of praise when they respect someone else’s needs!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 16/01/2019 13:00

I’d echo this. You’re on a hiding to nothing here. If you do put your foot down, you will become the common enemy.

It’s good advice!

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