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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To consider ending my relationship because of DP/DSD

56 replies

BabySharkInMyHead · 04/01/2019 21:22

Let me start by saying my DSD is fantastic, an absolute sunshine in a dark sky and I love her. We have a great relationship.

My issue isn't with her it's with DP's parenting. It makes me worry for our future and the support I would get if we ever have children together.

Firstly, DSD has to sit in front of the car and DP refuses to budge and doesn't understand why I think this is unacceptable. It's a total non issue to him. I have to sit in the back of my own car sometimes. If I sit in the front, the whole journey is "why aren't I sitting in the front?" And DP responds "princesses sit in the back, darling"

Every time he goes to the shop, he has to buy her something. I think hang on, how do ever reward her or buy her a genuine treat when it's now becoming expected?

She's five and she decides whether she is staying with us overnight or whether she goes home. If she doesn't get to go home she screams for hours, literally hours. Even if she's been laughing her head off previously, as soon as it's bed time, she decides to go home and DP has to drive her back or her mum come to collect her and cancel clients at home.

He will give her a thousand options over every little thing, she can be screaming because she doesn't want to go to bed and DP says "who would you like to brush your hair baby?" And I'm sat there thinking, she is absolutely knackered and working herself up. Take the lead and just brush her hair?

"DSD, what would you like for dinner" and DD chooses and then says she doesn't like this dinner anymore. Followed by DP saying how about Jam on toast? Shock

DSD is very confident and will argue with adults, I'll say "the grass is green" and she will argue till she's blue in face. He just laughs his head off.

I love DSD, we get on great and I keep my mouth shut about these issues but his parenting style worries me.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/01/2019 22:56

She’s 5 and. She sits in the front seat over you? That’s nuts. It’s not even safe she should be in the back.

Everything else is a warning sign. She’s his princess. Why if he loved her so much did he even leave the relationship with her mother?

Waddsup12 · 04/01/2019 22:58

No, just no...

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2019 23:09

How long have you been together?

I’d walk tomorrow. It’s an awful dynamic and doing her no favours. You might be able to shrug it off now but he’s creating a monster, no fault of hers, but she’ll turn into an absolute nightmare and life will be hell. He’s a terrible parent. Children need boundaries and there are none here at all. I couldn’t respect him and that would make him very unattractive. You can’t consider having with him. He’ll either always have her as a princess on a pedestal and the guilt of not seeing her every day will make him neglect your shared child(ren) or he’ll be y lax with them as well and you’ll have to be the bad guy if they’re ever to brush their teeth, eat vegetables or go to school.

I don’t know how you’ve put up with this for as long as you have but it’s a perfectly good reason to end the relationship.

Original poster
BabySharkInMyHead · 04/01/2019 23:09

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I know, I've told him that it's not safe. I can't explain why it's not ok for me to be in the back but it's just not ok...

They argued a lot all the time and he didn't want her being around the arguing, which is fair enough I guess.

@Waddsup12 is that no to me? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BabySharkInMyHead · 04/01/2019 23:12

@AnneLovesGilbert we've been together 3.5 years. I completely agree with your post, it's starting to come to light more and more as she becomes older and more spoiled. I also feel sometimes maybe I am too strict and because I don't have my own children, I can't comment on parenting?

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 04/01/2019 23:12

Oh god no, that's only going to get worse!

Original poster
BabySharkInMyHead · 04/01/2019 23:14

Is there anyway I can make him see sense?

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 04/01/2019 23:15

It's only going to get worse. And if you and DP have childreb then you're going to either clash over raising your children or there's going to be obvious preferential treatment towards his daughter.

It's such a shame because you've said she's a lovely girl and his actions are going to risk bringing out not so nice qualities in her

Fatted · 04/01/2019 23:20

Walk away now!! I don't think this is something you can win with him and he's already made it clear he's chosen her with the whole car seat nonsense. It sounds like perhaps he is feeling guilty for leaving her at such a young age. How often does he see his daughter? Is she like this at home?

My 5YO is similar with trying to argue with me but I don't let him get away with it. No way on this earth he would be molly coddled like DSD is. I also have a 3YO so no tolerance for nonsense.

Original poster
BabySharkInMyHead · 04/01/2019 23:24

@Fatted She isn't like this at home, it's 7pm lights out bed and cuddle for 5 minutes and she's left.

She misbehaves and screeches because she knows she can here, I assume?

He has her Tuesday after school, Friday overnight till Saturday evening.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2019 23:31

You’ve known her more than half her life and it sounds like you see her quite a lot so of course you have a say. You’re looking out for her by saying a very young child shouldn’t be sitting in the front, whatever your other valid feelings are about it, you know jam and toast is an occasional treat for dinner but not a proper meal, you know she needs structure, routine and parenting which puts her needs (decent bedtime!) shiver her wants. He knows these things too unless he’s a complete idiot, but his desire to be fun dad who panders to her every whim is greater and you won’t win this one, no matter how hard you try.

I’m sorry, 3.5 years is a long time and I’m sure he has many wonderful qualities so it’s not as easy as just ending things. But if you want your own children then this isn’t the man to do it with.

I don’t agree with my husband on everything and when you’re a step parent a certain amount of compromise and agreeing to disagree is part and parcel but if you’re not on the same page on the basics it’s just too difficult.

Ylvamoon · 04/01/2019 23:33

Walk away ... but first find some shocking images of children that flew through the windscreen! This happened to a friend... DC (7 at the time) always sitting in the front, car came of the road on a country lane... Friend walked away. DC had 2 broken legs, 1 broken arm and lots of small cuts to the face. DC still has a limp when walking & shards of windscreen under the skin on head and face plus some unsightly scarring.... Oh and did I mention that DC was airlifted to special children hospital about 80 miles away?
All this could have been avoided if DC would have been in the back seat.

Waddsup12 · 04/01/2019 23:36

No, it was more no-one would be getting me to sit in the back of my own car.

Sorry, I occasionally lack the words.

Waddsup12 · 04/01/2019 23:41

Plus he's ignoring you. Not on.

smargolis · 05/01/2019 00:12

Hope you are able to move on! Good luck!

HeebieJeebies456 · 05/01/2019 00:41

If I sit in the front, the whole journey is "why aren't I sitting in the front?"
Hmm "Errr....because this is MY car AND I am the adult"
If DisneyDad doesn't like it - tough, he can sit in the back with her and never drive your car when she's there.

I can't explain why it's not ok for me to be in the back but it's just not ok...
Rinse and repeat - "it's MY car and I AM the other adult...she is a 5 year old child and I will not be facilitating her spoilt behaviour"

Actually i'd just dump him because he clearly doesn't really give two shits about treating you with respect or consideration - and he's a shit disney-dad.

Original poster
BabySharkInMyHead · 05/01/2019 00:45

@HeebieJeebies456 I love the bluntness 

He seriously does not understand the car seat thing. If I mention it, he's so utterly gobsmacked that he genuinely feels like I'm being silly and unreasonable.

He'd happily sit in the back and has even suggested it but I wouldn't have my own children (especially aged 5) demanding one of us sits in the back constantly because they can't be in the front. Otherwise that's his proposal and would be completely fine with it.

@AnneLovesGilbert Your post is so true. Thank you. I genuinely was scared to post on step parenting!

OP posts:
user1486915549 · 05/01/2019 06:22

This won’t get any better.
He is creating an obnoxious teenager / young lady.
Awful parenting. If he won’t listen to you you only have 2 choices .
Put up with this for the rest of your life or leave now.

BlytheSpiritsSpirit · 05/01/2019 06:29

This is a deep philosophical difference that can't be reconciled, I think. You're wise to consider ending it. Having your own child with him would destroy your relationship imo.

Phillipa12 · 05/01/2019 06:55

I would be blunt and tell him and dsd when she moans about sitting in the front that driving guidelines recommend that children under 8 years old are actually far safer in the rear middle seat in case of a collision. Or better still end the relationship as this will only get worse!

Littleraindrop15 · 05/01/2019 07:11

Run for the hills op it's only going to get worse and having a child will complicate so many things I wouldn't like the drama of it.

stokieginge · 05/01/2019 07:58

@BabySharkInMyHead honestly though you were going to say she was 13-16 when I started reading

Tiredmum100 · 05/01/2019 08:07

You sound like you understand children. You're so right you shouldn't be in the back. My dc are always in their car seats in the back as I thought it was the safest place for them. Children need boundaries and routines. Personally I think giving a child too many choices us unfair as they can be come overwhelmed. I.e. if might offer my dc a choice of two things to eat as i want them to learn that they do have choices but I would then expect them to eat it and wouldn't give them something else. My advice is to ask yourself do you love him and do you want to with him? If you do you need to sit down and have a serious chat about it all. If he still doesn't take on board what you're saying I'd walk away.

Zoflorabore · 05/01/2019 08:16

Hi op, firstly I would like to say that you sound like a fabulous step parent.
I am not one but my dp is to my ds ( almost 16 ) and we have a dd together ( almost 8 ) and we've had struggles over the years with parenting differences.

I'm going to be completely honest with you ( and myself here ) as your post resonated with me a lot.
Dp has behaved like this towards our dd and she was turning into a spoilt brat who only had to turn on the tears and get what she wanted. Presents were weekly on payday and totally expected. McDonald's was every Friday after school, weekends
were dominated by where dd wanted to go with Daddy, staying up late on a weekend meant that on a Monday morning she struggled to get up for school. I could go on.

Everyone could see it. Except him.
In the end i was straight with him and told him he was creating a monster so to speak.
My lovely dd was becoming someone I didn't recognise because she was ruined.
Treats were no longer treats, just everyday occurrences and it had to stop.

To be fair to dp he was pretty shocked and horrified how soft he had been and when I pointed out how it wasn't normal to get new toys/apps/shoes every single week and dd was starting to put on weight at the age of 5/6 he modified his behaviour.

Now, dd has to earn things. Her weekly spelling tests will result in a new book for example ( she loves reading ) and not toys.
We had a clear out of her room and gave multiple bags to charity and friends. It was obscene :(

Dd's behaviour at school has always been impeccable so it was just at home she was playing up. She now has firm boundaries, discipline and if there is any choice it's beyween two things rather than asking her what she wants for tea like it's a restaurant.

It's not too late to change the behaviour of your dp and in turn your dsd but firstly he needs to acknowledge that there is a problem.

I hope this post makes sense to you.
I really wanted you to know that I've been in your shoes ( even down to the front seat issue ) and it can be sorted.
Best of luck to you.

goldengummybear · 05/01/2019 11:38

Why does he think that his dd is much better behaved at home? How does she behave at school?

The longer this goes on, the harder it is to fix. Things will get worse if not sorted now. He's creating this problem with ineffective parenting and as step parent you are powerless. Definitely never have children with this man- his dd1 will be treated "superior" to your kids.

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