Can’t do wrong from right. ANOTHER Christmas post

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

We do alternate christmas’ between ourselves and DSD’s mum. This year has been our year to have DSD (8) which we’ve all been really looking forward to. It’s lovely when DSD & DD get to spend Christmas together.

Unfortunately all DSD has done is sulk and cry and protest that DD got more presents than she did. They had the same spend on them give or take £5. Out of my own pocket.

Her mum rang and she couldn’t get away from all of us quickly enough. Cue very angry mother on the phone who thinks that we’ve ‘under done’ DSD this Christmas. A lot of people I know do give their SC’s less as they’ll also be getting presents at the resident parent’s house but I’ve always given DSD the same as DD. I go out of my way to make sure they’re treated similarly.

I just feel as though I can’t do anything right. We were all getting along so much better too. I’m 17 weeks pregnant after 2 M/C’s and it’s just started to become common knowledge.

I posted on Facebook an hour before we picked DSD up to tell her and her mum had gone stir crazy about this too. How dare we post about OUR happy news before telling DSD. We told both DC’s together.

I don’t want the drama and I just want to be left alone. I don’t know whether there’s a bit of jealously at play but DSD has recently been very cold towards us both. Trying to make out that she’s been badly done to at any opportunity. At the moment it’s like she’s hard wired to find fault and we’re both finding it quite exhausting. We just want her to be happy when she’s here but can’t help but think that she’s being influenced otherwise elsewhere and being made to feel as though we treat her second best.

@Beansandcoffee she was told sensitively! At the same time as her sister. And she’s very excited about it.

No issue at all!

Undoubtably the mum and you have a tricky relationship but unless you were the OW, try and work it out with her.

OP but you don’t know what is going on in that little girls head. She is 8!! Did her mother tell her about the pregnancy?

No her mother didn’t tell her. Her mother didn’t mention that she knew about it until yesterday, after we’d told DSD.

We were getting on quite well until recently, it seems to go in fits and starts like this. She’s even been in our house for cups of tea before and then she just turns like this and I can’t work her out.

This has been going on for a few months now so long before she found out about the pregnancy. OH has recently started putting his foot down about travel arrangements as it’s 6 hours of driving for him every weekend when they could be meeting halfway so perhaps it’s that she’s pissed about and then this has now added to it.

I wasn’t the OW so hopefully I can apologise to her. I honestly meant no harm doing what I did. I honestly didn’t think a lot of it at the time.

Did you give your child more presents than DSD? More as in number?

Op you are lucky she didn’t tell her DD as I certainly would have done in that situation if only to ensure my DD was told sensitively.

Why does your partner live 3 hrs away from his daughter?

op well done for taking the advice on board. I hope you and the mum can start to have a better relationship.

How big was the difference in the number of presents? And was it something you had prepared her for? I think Holly’ hit the nail on the head and it’s complicated by the fact that she already feels like the outside member of a family she’s not really part of.

A SM announcement right before Christmas when you haven't told your DSC is weird.

I think you need to be a bit more understanding of your DSD. She's 8, away from her mum, been presented with huge news and likelyba bit out of sorts.

Also whilst I don't have DSC, nor do my DC have step siblings I do have an 8 year old and I'll bet that regardless of the money spent being equal either the quantity in terms of numbers or volume of presents was way off. And that maters to even the most well behaved of 8 year olds.

@hollylove, no, they both had two ‘big’ presents, DSD got a wiggle car and a Hatchimal and DD got a baby Annabelle and a Disney princess trunk and DD had a dress up outfit and DSD got a bit art case then after that most things were pretty like for like so clothes were the same for both but in different sizes, some jewellery bits, onisies, mermaid tail blankets etc. They both had exactly the same amount of presents.

@Beansandcoffee as explain in my OP, his ex moved away.

I’m very much aware that children don’t take int account the amount you’ve spent on them but rather the amount of presents there. I’ve been doing this for a while now and know to get them both the same number of presents!

So you got the same number of presents and spent the same amount but DSD thinks you favoured your DC by getting more?

To the extent she's sulked cried and protested? So clearly something else significant is going on! Can her dad take her out for a walk/chat. Try to understand what's happening?

It seems a very bizarre reaction otherwise

Lots going on for an eight year old, travel arrangements recently changed and her mum grumpy about it - change.
New baby coming - even if she says she's happy, it will be complicated for her emotionally.
Then Christmas and concerns about equality of presents (normal for an eight year old), but absolutely made worse by concerns about sharing further with a new baby.
Of course an 8 year old is going to struggle.

Can I ask? Could it be that DSD was counting the number of presents as she wouldn't have known the total spend? That would upset any 8 year old imo. I don't think it matters that she gets presents elsewhere too

I don’t think it would upset any 8 year old. My 3 year old got a few more presents to open than my almost 8 year old because my 3 year old’s presents were cheaper. My 8 year old wasn’t bothered!

I think it just depends on how hard done by adults make children feel. And the op’s dsd’s mum does a good job of that by ringing up about a very small difference in present quantity

He’s tried to get her to open up but she’s said that her mum will get cross and starts crying. Obviously it’s a lot to take on BUT we are allowed to have another baby and they have to find out at some point.

You sound as if you're dealing with stuff that your OH should be dealing with.
Too involved by far.

Your DSD likely sees a new shiny family that she's no longer a part of, as her dad has moved on. Rightly or wrongly children see things in plain fashion, your DSD just isn't going to see things the same as you do. She's a child.

It's for your OH to be more hands on and inclusive with her, to reassure her that she still matters. It would go a long way towards counteracting whatever her mum says.

I feel sorry for her. Hope it's all resolved soon but in the first instance, stop the big explanatory conversations with her mum. Step back - your OH can deal with it.

Yes you're allowed to have another baby but you also need to take into account the impact on existing kids. You have a very recent thread saying your situation is so dire that your partner can't afford petrol to pick his child up and you don't know how you will afford maintenance. In DSD's mother's shoes I'd be thinking your partner is really bloody irresponsible. The FB announcement was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Think of your DSD - your daughter lives with her dad full-time, he's hours away from her and is now having a baby with someone else. Of course it's unsettling for her, and you told everyone else ahead of her!

In line with a recent thread, I think this is one of those examples where the adults of a blended family think of it quite differently to the children involved. Your DSD has a lot of change going on at an age where it is difficult to cope with it all.

You've just announced a new baby. She needs time to accept and understand that.

The new baby will live with her dad and sister full time. Maybe she's feeling a bit left out. She won't be there all the time??

She might be struggling to express her emotions.

You could do right by doing the right thing... telling her about the baby before 150 of your closest friends 🙄

Its not rocket science

Oh fucking hell, if we’re going to keep giving me a bashing the I’ll just ask for this list to be taken down. Yes we are struggling financially due to unforeseen circumstances. That’s not a crime. We make sure DSD has everything she needs between us. It’s OH who has made the effort to pick DSD up every weekend after her mother moved her away from us. If it was up to her mother, she’d have no relationship with us at all!

Maintenance gets paid and DSD always gets picked up, I really don’t see what’s irresponsible about that!!? If she needs something she gets it. To bring up past threads at a shitty time is unfair. W do our best with what we have!

You have a very recent thread saying your situation is so dire that your partner can't afford petrol to pick his child up and you don't know how you will afford maintenance. In DSD's mother's shoes I'd be thinking your partner is really bloody irresponsible

Really OP...?!

I'm not going to bash you, and the point about your pregnancy announcement has been laboured to absolute death on here,no doubt more to follow -

But I maintain, your OH needs to step up sort all this out, make his DD feel reassured and included, and you need to take a step back and let him do that. Including you no longer having long explanatory conversations with DSD's mum. It's not necessary.

Let them parent their child and resolve issues around that. It's not your call, as tempting as it may be to get involved you need to bite your tongue.

You'll have a newborn soon. Try to relax, focus on that. Congrats btw💐

Ignore the pile on OP. Some people on here are just desperate to paint step mums as the baddies no matter what.

The Facebook post is irrelevant. Neither of them are on Facebook! You might want to find out who the “mole” is, reporting back to DSDs mum!

I think dh should have told his ex about him having another child. He has every right to have more children but needs to make sure all his children are reassured and understand it doesn't change his love for them. The child that lives with you has you both there on hand to answer questions and reassure you, as his Daughter doesn't live with you the person providing the majority of emotional care should be told about significant changes to the child so that they can prepare for any upset etc. Your DH needs to step up and work with his child's Mother so that they can both make sure dd feels secure, when was he going to contact the Mam and let her know? He wasn't planning on just telling her at drop off and leaving her to deal with it?

A new sibling is a very big deal, and her not living with her Dad may mean she feels even more replaced or worried. There's every chance she hasn't processed it fully yet and if everything is as you describe then it could be she's blaming the presents because she's not had time to properly chat with her Dad and tell him she's not happy.

xmas probably isn't the best time to tell a child anyway as there's loads going on and her father might not have the time needed to focus fully on just his dd.

If it's true he struggles to afford the children he already has then a third will affect what the existing two have from him, another reason the Mam should have been told to prepare for any reduction in child support.

He needs to step up and you need to step back.

You might want to find out who the “mole” is, reporting back to DSDs mum!

It could be totally innocent. Somebody could have asked xw if her dd was excited about being a big sister.