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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I leave ?

44 replies

Curlyheadedcutie · 21/12/2018 13:51

Good afternoon!
I have been with my partner about 2 and bit years, I met his kids after about 6 months of being together.
My partner has them 2 days every other week, due to the hours my partner works. To begin with I used to make other plans on the days he had his kids so they could spend time with their dad, but then after a few nights of being with them they started asking for me and calling me when I weren't there, so we started going out on little days out when he had them, but I still left them to spend time with their dad.
My partner proposed to me and then his ex found out and brought up the idea of a vasectomy, and said if he got me pregnant he wouldn't be able to see his kids.
A few months ago I had a miscarriage and then despite not knowing what she said i then found out I' pregnant.
We were over the moon.
We kept it a secret and told his kids after 12 week scan an they were so excited, they said they were so happy and thanks me aha and were playing with my belly all night.
Now after going back to their mums they won't speak to me, his older girl who's about 8 just closes doors in my face when I speak to her. Things I'd bought for the baby they have ruined and they have cut up my scan pics, my boyfriend has told them off but I just feel stuck in the middle.
His ex is now threatening me and the baby, she's getting people to message me calling me all sorts and she calls him again calling me all sorts and asking for stupid favours like putting air in her tyres at 10pm, she calls and texts him none stop through out the day.
He's doing nothing about, he doesn't want to cause drama with her.
Should I just break up with him?
It's really upsetting me and he won't even stand up for me.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/12/2018 13:57

Wow! That’s a really extreme reaction from her and the children.

But his behaviour is just appalling. I couldn’t be with him after this.

Original poster
Curlyheadedcutie · 21/12/2018 14:05

I know how they feel about their dad getting a girlfriend an having a baby, I just don't want them resenting their dad because of me.
I really don't know what to do.
He's the one I want to spend my life with but I can't do this anymore, I'm starting to resent the baby.

OP posts:
floodypuddle · 21/12/2018 14:59

Does he go and do the things she asks him to? He sounds totally spineless...

Original poster
Curlyheadedcutie · 21/12/2018 15:12

@floodypuddle he used to but I've stopped it recently, I've had enough of it

OP posts:
Santaisonthesherry · 21/12/2018 15:18

Personally I would leave until you are sure he has boundaries in place for his ex and can parent his dc so they aren't rude and disrespectful..
If she makes threats I would call the police. You are entitled to be enjoying your pregnancy not feeling intimidated.
His ex only has as much power over your lives as you bf allows.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/12/2018 15:45

That’s very threatening behaviour of his Ex. Imagine an ex husband telling his ex wife she should get a hysterectomy! Not so different.

It’s very volatile. Cutting up scan pics is nasty, and disturbing. They are under their mothers influence.

What is your DP doing? Is he going around to sort out her tyres at 10pm?

I’d get your own place. I think I’d be worried about the baby’s safety around the step kids. Your DP can then decide whether he’s going to protect you or not.

Harpingon · 21/12/2018 15:57

How old are the step children?

Spanglyprincess1 · 21/12/2018 16:47

That's disgraceful. The children I suspect are being used to reflect their DM feelings which is very sad.
Do what's best for you and your baby

LatentPhase · 21/12/2018 17:19

Blimey. That’s horrific. I agree with Santaisonthesherry

I would leave until he can demonstrate appropriate boundaries and prioritise you over the ex.

Those poor kids. They must not know which way is up.

Strange this dysfunction has only just come to light. I don’t understand why people behave as though they have claim to other people.

So sorry you aes going through this so close to Christmas.

Flowers
BasilFaulty · 21/12/2018 17:59

What she's doing is parental alienation - a form of child abuse and against the law.

LegalDictionary/P/ParentalAlienation.aspx

Your partner sounds pathetic and I would struggle to respect him after this. It won't be any better once the baby arrives, in fact it may be worse. I'm so sorry you're going through this and congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

Original poster
Curlyheadedcutie · 21/12/2018 21:42

Now he's threatening to kick me out because I'm avoiding his children. And by avoiding it's me having a bath, after I've been in work 8am-6pm today and wanting a chill.
I don't think I can afford to move out by myself, I don't really make that much money to afford rent etc

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/12/2018 21:50

He’s threatening to kick you out? You’re pregnant with his child! OP do you know this isn’t a normal way to treat a person you claim to love? You know that someone who would threaten this cannot possibly love you? That isn’t how love works. You know you can never ever trust him to look after you if you were ever ill and needed care? Someone who would throw you out doesn’t care about you. You need to leave and go somewhere safe. This isn’t a safe situation for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2018 21:52

It doesn’t sound like you have much choice so I’d look at the options you have. Is there anyone you could stay with while you sort yourself out? It sounds awful. You say partner so I’m assuming you didn’t get married, that makes things easier in many ways. I don’t see how your relationship has a future if he’s not properly detached from his ex and is okay with his DC behaving towards you like this. Where were you living before you were with him?

LatentPhase · 21/12/2018 21:54

OP, who could you go and stay with. Just while you sort your head out/get some peace to think?

Your mum? A good friend?

HollowTalk · 21/12/2018 21:54

Avoiding his children? You mean he has to do some parenting?

Starlight456 · 21/12/2018 21:57

I think ex is threatening him that you don’t know about and he is scared of losing his kids.

He needs to stand up to her.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/12/2018 21:57

Has he ever been pushy with you OP? Barging past you/being a bit rough when in close contact with you whilst in a bad mood? Being pregnant is a high risk factor for domestic violence, combined with the increase in DV over Christmas and his new threat I’m very worried about you.

Cherries101 · 21/12/2018 21:59

Leave. He’s not worth it

Original poster
Curlyheadedcutie · 21/12/2018 22:05

I used to live with my mum but she lost her job so she's had to move to London with my step father, I don't get on very well with my dad and my Nan only has a one bed flat.
He's not been aggressive, he slams doors an hits things etc when he's been in a mood.
I gave him another chance after I found out he was dirty talking to some girl he went to school with when I was in hospital, but I never got to the bottom of the story of what actually happened.
I don't trust him, I don't feel comfortable around him, an it sounds absolutely disgusting to say but I wish I hadn't let him talk me into having a baby with him. It would have been so much easier to leave.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/12/2018 22:11

I’m sorry op but the more I read about your DP I think the ex is the least of your worries.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 21/12/2018 23:57

He's not been aggressive,

he slams doors an hits things etc when he's been in a mood.

Both those are aggressive. They are behaviours designed to intimidate the person watching into behaving as the aggressor wants. They’re letting you know just how angry they are so you adjust your behaviour to prevent them getting angrier. Added benefit for him is he gets to intimidate you with the threat of violence but can still say “I never laid a hand on her”

Honestly OP, it only gets worse from here. The next step up from him hitting things is....?

Drawtheline14 · 22/12/2018 12:24

Please leave! My ex used to hit ‘things’, he used to hit the walls of our daughter woke up the night... the hitting things stage didn’t last long before he hit me... and then it was escalates. It’ll only get worse when the baby is here and there’s sleep deprivation and a lack of attention in the mix.
Maybe there’s a reason his ex doesn’t want him to have kids, maybe she’s gone through all of this.

JWrecks · 22/12/2018 12:33

Yep. You should leave.

Littleraindrop15 · 22/12/2018 12:34

I would contact the police and get them to stop her from harrasing you and the texts etc I would report it as this is also a police matter.

Madlife · 26/12/2018 19:10

How are you doing? How are things? You got us a bit worried xx

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