Reassure me please...

[Dustyzest]

Hoping for a bit of reassurance here... tell me your ‘it all worked out fine!’ stories...

I’ve been with my partner for over two years and due to a contraception fail, I am unexpectedly pregnant. My partner was not a fan of us keeping it as he was worried about how his son (who is in year 8) would take the news.

I couldn’t have a termination - especially as that was the only reason against it - and made it clear I’d do it with or without him.

He wanted us to try again in a couple of years when his son is older but that just seemed to me like a ridiculous reason to not have a baby that we can afford (I think) and will love and will be brought up with love.

So we’re doing it, we had the scan, he is now thrilled and excited, but we just have to tell his son and I’m freaking out. It’s kind of ruined my whole experience so far, if I’m honest.

I don’t have the best relationship with him- he is quite spoilt and rude and will often snap or sigh at things I say, refers to the food I make him as disgusting, says ‘wait, is it not just us going?’ to his dad when we go places and will push in between me and my partner or climb on to him on the sofa to make sure he is next to him and not me. We have him minimum four days a week so I try to just be patient and allow for us to have our time when he’s not there.

I’m not even allowed to put my shoes next to my partner’s shoes in the porch - his shoes have to go next and mine get moved if they are there.

His mum isn’t very reliable - she likes to go out and change her plans with him at the last moment, but also will always call him her baby - she’s dropped him off to me before on a night out and I’ve witnessed lots of over the top ‘mummy loves you, mummy will miss you, give mummy kisses’ type behaviour so he’s very much treated like a baby. My partner and his ex split up when the child was tiny so he has no memory of them together.

He also has two little cousins who he is a little terror to - shouting in the toddler’s face and swearing at the four year old when he thinks he’s out of earshot.

My partner’s sister told me he didn’t take to not being the baby anymore very well and I can believe it.

My partner is going to tell him our news at Christmas and I am just bracing myself for a total freak out - has anyone been pleasantly surprised by their stepchildren’s responses?

Sorry for the essay but I am freaking out - and I can’t tell my partner as he refuses to admit there’s ever a problem and also sees his son as younger than he is...

I would wait until after Christmas to tell him, try to remember that although he is older he is still just a child. Make a big thing of his role as a big brother. Hope it goes well for you.

Thanks - I want to wait until January but my partner is adamant he will tell him at Christmas.

I’m scared it’s going to make him hate me. 13 is such a tough age. Has anyone written a rule book for these scenarios yet?

His mum isn’t very reliable - she likes to go out and change her plans with him at the last moment, but also will always call him her baby - she’s dropped him off to me before on a night out and I’ve witnessed lots of over the top ‘mummy loves you, mummy will miss you, give mummy kisses’ type behaviour so he’s very much treated like a baby. My partner and his ex split up when the child was tiny so he has no memory of them together.

Crumbs yes what is she thinking you should never be affectionate to a 13 year old boy. She should be saying stiff upper lip son and shaking his hand when he leaves.

See how well that goes with your baby when he/she is a teenager.

I cant say i am surprised he doesnt like you.

Youve made it a competition for his fathers affections. Of course he wants to sit next to him on the sofa and spend time with just him and not you. Its his dad.

You have alot of growing up to do.

His father should be making the food then his son can complain about his cooking. And has his father been alone with the son for 11 years before you came along? The son is probably really struggling with having another adult coming along to things that were just him and his dad.

Also why shouldn't his son sit between you and his dad. Presumably you are with him all the time when his son is not there. When you have your baby you will find as they get older they will probably want to sit between mummy and daddy that is what my DC do. A lot of DC with separated parents like to monopolise their fathers in the short time they have with them.

He is also probably going through puberty which is difficult and you met his Dad when this was just beginning. DC can be really difficult/obnoxious/stroppy at this age with everyone.

I misread and thought he was 8, I can’t believe a 12/13 shouts and swears in his toddler cousins faces! Is there any repercussion for him when he does that from your DH?

I’d be keeping a close eye when the baby is born as there are warning signs that he might act out. It doesn’t sound like your DH would intervene if DSS is unkind to your baby.

Bizarre of your DH to want to tell him at Christmas. If he reacts badly it’ll spoil Christmas for you all.

I hope he does react in a better way than expected.

I was just referring to the fact he is treated as though he is much younger than he is - it’s not something I’m used to in my family or in my partner’s.

Although it is difficult, she didn’t turn up to pick him up from ours after the school Christmas concert because she’d ‘gone out and lost track of time’, but then FaceTimed him from the pub to tell him how much she loves him. And I’m conscious it just must be confusing and probably quite frustrating for him.

His role as the baby of the family is something he’s been very protective of and it does worry me. I just want this to be well received and also to stop keeping a secret from him - it’s been difficult to conceal the constant throwing up and my changing shape for the past four months as we have him most of the time, so I feel like I’ve been holding back a lot.

I like the idea of us being a family and I am struggling to see how this will happen.

Youve made it a competition for his fathers affections. Of course he wants to sit next to him on the sofa and spend time with just him and not you. Its his dad.

Ridiculous. Clearly the DSS has made it a competition not the OP. It’s not like she’s said she jostles in between them both or moves his shoes! She was explaining how DSS is acting/feeling. It is unusual for a 12/13 year old lad to climb over their parent and have to have his shoes in the middle.

Does he get time alone with his dad OP? If not I’d make my own plans when he visits for at least half the time. Win:win that you don’t have to feel pushed out/watch him shout and swear in kids faces etc and he and his dad get time to bond.

Wow you sound really tolerant Op this kid sounds really spoilt, even having a problem with having cousins he clearly isnt going to take this well.
I would wait until after christmas to tell him.
Your partner needs to start parenting his child properly.

I don’t sit by him though, sometimes it’s just is in the room so we are sitting together, but if he wants to join us, I always move. It can be tough though sometimes - I’m only human and we tend to have two weeknights together which doesn’t ever feel like much.

I also end up doing a lot of the cooking especially at the weekend as they do stuff together - swimming, bike riding etc and I mostly stay back as I’m conscious to not be in the way. In the week, I get home earlier so I just start cooking. I do think though anything other than pasta would be referred to as disgusting.

No, there was a long term partner before me from when he was a toddler until about five years ago - they split up due to tensions between her and his son, so I’m told, but we’ve been together for about four years and I’ve been in his son’s life for about 2.5 now.

I guess it’s just hard and I’m overly emotional at the moment. I am worried we’re going to ruin his Christmas but my partner’s family are overseas so it’s the only time of year they all get together and he wants to tell everyone at the same time, without keeping it from his son.

How old are you? you sound very young in your posts. If there’s a huge age gap between you and your dh then I think waiting for dss to get older before you had kids would have been the best decision for him. As you chose not to do that, all you can do now is stay away and let his df mend things. Your priority now should be the relationship between the half-siblings— he may never like you.

@heckypeck - his sister has told the child off for shouting at the toddler, the default response is ‘he was annoying me though’. My partner will often say ‘oh they’re always down on him for his behaviour’ - and I do get he has a difficult situation but sometimes children are badly behaved.

Sometimes I’m hesitant to tell my partner about bad behaviour I’ve seen or to intervene myself. It’s really hard to know my place and sometimes how his son has spoken to me has ended up with me in tears so I mostly try and stay neutral (unless I see him doing something dangerous to the little ones, such as yanking them by the hoods of their jumpers).

I’m worried he will not be very nice to the baby. I have dreams about it which I know is a bit mad!

But he’ll also be nearly 14 by the time it arrives so maybe his behaviour might change? He was really lovely to me when I first met him but since I moved in about six months ago it’s been a bit of a challenge.

I’m 33 @cherries101, my partner is 45

she’s dropped him off to me before on a night out and I’ve witnessed lots of over the top ‘mummy loves you, mummy will miss you, give mummy kisses’ type behaviour so he’s very much treated like a baby.

Nothing wrong with this I’m slightest.

I think also, in regards to the poster who asked if I give them time together, I try to do this a lot but sometimes my partner will push me to be more involved and will sometimes accuse me of avoiding his son, but I’m just trying to walk the tightrope, if that’s the right analogy?

I want to be involved but I’m also conscious if it was 13 year old me I’d be like will this woman just sod off and leave me alone!

I’m willing to hold my hands up over the mummy kisses thing. Maybe it’s me- my whole family aren’t overly affectionate and I didn’t know any teenage boys this - it seemed unusual to me but I am willing to accept I could be wrong there. I’ll come back to you in 13 years on that one!

But did anyone feel scared telling a stepchild about a new baby but it was all ok in the end?!

Everything you’ve posted suggests you need to give your dss and his dad more time alone as a family. I suggest next time he comes you make plans somewhere even if it’s just a shopping trip.

Thanks @cherries101. I don’t go on their days out together and I do try to stay out of the way where I can.

They’re currently on a weekend away together which is why I’ve snuck on here for some reassurance.

It’s a hard one and I just don’t want him to feel pushed out or resentful towards the new baby - I want him to love it and feel like it’s adding to his family, not taking away, if that makes sense?

We also have him at our house from Wednesday after school to Monday morning most weeks, v occasionally Thursday evenjng to Monday morning, so it is hard to be not around for so much of the time.

Dusty I don't think everyone posting has read everything you've written. You are getting a hard time here for no real reason.

You do give them time together
For this reason (you're not the one out and about) you do the cooking
This is really odd behaviour from a 13 year old, and horrible wrt the cousins
Of course his dm loves him, but has an ott way of saying it/doesn't really show it in her actions

You are in a really difficult position and his df needs to sort his behaviour out, ideally before your (accidental, not deliberate as pp suggested) baby is born.

If you can't wait till after christmas to tell him, perhaps you (ie his df) should tell him before christmas so he can process the info before the rest of the family arrive.

I can't believe the pps saying that this is all totally fine. DSS is 12/13 not 5! The drop offs sound cringey and are no doubt contributing to his behaviour. It's totally inappropriate to treat a teenager like that and also very over the top which isn't helping the transition to dad's house.

YNBU to want to sit next to your partner. He should be at least respectful to you even if doesn't like you although I would also be stepping back and making sure that they have time together. Again he's a teenager. If he was 4 or 5 then maybe where he sits would be important.

This boy is being babied and it's getting dangerous given his behaviour around younger children. Your DP needs to realise that his son will continue to get bigger and stronger. He is already at the age of criminal responsibility and thinks it's ok to be abusive to a toddler. How is your DP going to prioritise this baby and keep baby safe as well as his son?

Well OP I have a good story for you. DSS is 14 and DD is 4 months. He's besotted with her. He was probably a bit cocky about how easy it would be to care for a baby (oh I'll feed her and change her, smells poop and thinks better of it) but he loves her dearly. However, I wouldn't tolerate being disrespected and DSS would never hurt a baby or toddler regardless of what they were doing.

This kid sounds like a horrible brat IMO!

If I were you I'd have a serious chat with you OH and say you won't tolerate that kind of behaviour with a baby on the way.

@blackcat86 that is exactly what I need to hear!! Thank you. It’s heartwarming to hear about your baby and your stepson!

I did write quite the essay so I get people may not have read everything. And it’s a hard situation, there’s no black and white way of looking at it or a definitive right answer which is what makes it all so hard.

I think he’s quite babied but he has also had a tough time of it so I wouldn’t want to call him a brat - it’s not really his fault how he has been parented, but maybe having a baby sibling will help him feel more grown up?

I’m hopeful and I guess that’s all I can be right now!

When they get back tomorrow night I’ll chat to my partner again and suggest telling him a few days before. I believe he was going to tell him separately to the whole family, just on the same day, but I agree some processing time will undoubtedly be helpful.

His little cousins will be there too so I’m also going to suggest to my partner he watches closely how they all interact. Hopefully he’ll be more observant to his behaviour - I’m glad you don’t think I’m overreacting there.

It sounds like you give them plenty of alone time.

The pulling by the hood of his young cousins is really concerning. Especially as his dad dismisses it.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be worried about how he might treat your baby. Particularly as your partner won’t have you/your baby’s back.

You should think about what you’ll do if he acts like that to the baby and your Partner won’t step up.

I would tell him first and make a big deal about how is first in the family to know. This worked really well with DSS who felt quite special about it I think. We also took him to a 4D scan when I was further along.