Reassure me please...

[Dustyzest]

Hoping for a bit of reassurance here... tell me your ‘it all worked out fine!’ stories...

I’ve been with my partner for over two years and due to a contraception fail, I am unexpectedly pregnant. My partner was not a fan of us keeping it as he was worried about how his son (who is in year 8) would take the news.

I couldn’t have a termination - especially as that was the only reason against it - and made it clear I’d do it with or without him.

He wanted us to try again in a couple of years when his son is older but that just seemed to me like a ridiculous reason to not have a baby that we can afford (I think) and will love and will be brought up with love.

So we’re doing it, we had the scan, he is now thrilled and excited, but we just have to tell his son and I’m freaking out. It’s kind of ruined my whole experience so far, if I’m honest.

I don’t have the best relationship with him- he is quite spoilt and rude and will often snap or sigh at things I say, refers to the food I make him as disgusting, says ‘wait, is it not just us going?’ to his dad when we go places and will push in between me and my partner or climb on to him on the sofa to make sure he is next to him and not me. We have him minimum four days a week so I try to just be patient and allow for us to have our time when he’s not there.

I’m not even allowed to put my shoes next to my partner’s shoes in the porch - his shoes have to go next and mine get moved if they are there.

His mum isn’t very reliable - she likes to go out and change her plans with him at the last moment, but also will always call him her baby - she’s dropped him off to me before on a night out and I’ve witnessed lots of over the top ‘mummy loves you, mummy will miss you, give mummy kisses’ type behaviour so he’s very much treated like a baby. My partner and his ex split up when the child was tiny so he has no memory of them together.

He also has two little cousins who he is a little terror to - shouting in the toddler’s face and swearing at the four year old when he thinks he’s out of earshot.

My partner’s sister told me he didn’t take to not being the baby anymore very well and I can believe it.

My partner is going to tell him our news at Christmas and I am just bracing myself for a total freak out - has anyone been pleasantly surprised by their stepchildren’s responses?

Sorry for the essay but I am freaking out - and I can’t tell my partner as he refuses to admit there’s ever a problem and also sees his son as younger than he is...

OP you sound level-headed and are doing all the right things. I really hope having a half sibling will help dss feel more grown up.

I hope he gets time to process the news before the rest of the family. Most of all I hope your OH wakes up and starts to have your back - good luck.

Congrats on the baby

Let us know how it goes.

Op you sound fine - ignore the early harsh posts. He's 13 and capable of understanding manners at least.
We told our dsc about baby later on as my pregnancy was high risk. We told them at the 20 week scan. They were happy and we stressed how important they were and that he was their blood relative and they would be big siblings and get to teach baby things which would be exciting.
We also did activities like tye dying baby grows

Could your partner tell him now? While they are away together? That way he gets to know before the rest of the family which may help, so he feels included. If his dad tells him he expects him to be / knows he will be an excellent example and kind older brother it may help him step up.
Good luck and congratulations!

I have been in a ridiculously similar situation to you. Regarding the baby, everything was better than expected. On finding out I was pregnant, he pretended to be upset, with a dramatic stomp out of the room but I caught a glimpse of the massive smile on his face he was trying to hide. Now, although our (mine and SS's) relationship is sadly still not amazing, he loves the baby to bits! Good luck

Thank you all, you’re all reassuring me! I’ll broach the idea of him coming to the 20 week scan too - that’s a nice idea and will help it be more of a reality. It certainly became real to me when I saw it on a screen!

I’m also going to readdress his behaviour with his cousins, and ask my partner to be more observant with him over Christmas. We’ll go for there on that one.

I’m actually away next weekend at a friend’s wedding so I’ll suggest he tells him then so they have a weekend together to process it. I thought maybe I should be there for the telling but maybe not. When I’ve figured this all out maybe I’ll write the rule book the world is desperately missing.

Thank you all again for your help and stories of how it all worked out in the end!

As usual OP is getting a hard time from some posters just by virtue of her existence. Meanwhile, in reality, DSS's Mum sounds awful and her inconsistency with DSS is making him feel insecure about his relationship with her, his dad and OP. DSS is behaving very rudely to the OP and there are certain things I would not tolerate, such as calling her meals disgusting. His dad needs to get better at putting boundaries in place for him. If my DC told me that the meal I had made for him was disgusting he would get told off and so would my DSS.

8g sounds like he had a very closed and exclusive relationship with his dad before you came along so he is struggling to see this exclusive bond not like it used to be through no choice in it. It is life but this is a difficult concept for a teenager.

He sounds agressive through experiencing frustration. I wouldn't expect him to be be happy at the news. Many teenagers consider babies and toddlers nothing more than pests. However things can be very different when the baby is born. What matters is not to push him onto anything. I wouldn't invite him to the scan, if he cares to go, he'll ask.

Don't set your expectations that he will share your good news so not to get disappointed when he res ts negatively but remember that time does do wonders so if that's the case, just trust that things will get better with a lot of patience.

Your DSS sounds insecure. It's a fine line between giving the kind of unconditional love and support to reassure a child in his position and spoiling him. Be consistent with rules etc, but generous with time and care. Don't fret stuff like the shoes (even if annoying) but don't let rudeness slide.
My DSC's were 11 & 13 when I had DD and they have been lovely with her. We took the decision that we would ensure all the kids had the same surname and have not referred to them as half siblings. They all know whose related to whom and this way we value them all equally.
I think having DD has made me a better SM too.

My dc's has an extremely tight bond with me and still do, for over 8 years I never dated, and when I got pregnant at 11. &13 they had times where they were unsure how I would treat them the same.
Well it's called communication and understanding their needs but not being lead fully by them.
My eldest calls lo his baby and talk over playing most the time, my youngest loves him too and I haven't had one issue since lo was born. ( which to be honest I'm shocked)
I still do thing with them with out lo - comic-con festivals- movie nights.
And family days it about balance.

Some mothers teach their dc that the dad isn't allowed a life at all because they don't live with you and that they should jump to every demand- and it's impossible to commit to that.
My dm did the same and when my df didn't I assume it was because I wasn't worth it. And your dss seems to be acting this way.
Your having a tricky time but back away as much as you can from the drama and explain to your dp what you would like - respect, family time, no bad language. You have a few months to create a good relationship with your dss and I would because your lo with be his brother forever.

Sounds wonderful. If your DP isn't disciplining his son and teaching him that he cannot speak and act to you in the way he does then id quite frankly leave him and his DS. He sounds a right brat. If he can act like that to his cousins at his age then I wouldn't have him anywhere near my baby.
I'm aware this isn't going to go down well with other MNers but that's my opinion and my child's welfare would come above all else

I could have written a lot of your OP about my own step children who are rude spoilt little brats most of the time. They've had years and years of being babied, one of them still gets carried from the car whilst having her face kissed by her mother at nearly 9 years old, but funnily enough only when she drops them off to us. My step children were all told by their mother they could basically be as rude as they liked and they did, I was even assaulted by one of them who still thinks it's ok to hit people at 12 years old and at that point I decided not to engage anymore so don't have much to do with them at all. They get their time with their dad which is ultimately what they come and stay for and I stay out of the way. My partner has always attempted to deal with their bad behaviour but it's very difficult when parenting is shared and their mother doesn't see an issue with the bad behaviour and has been known to actively encourage it. My partner and I had a baby together and I was terrified how his kids would react but they were actually thrilled about the idea of a new baby in the family. It took a turn for the worst when their mother found out and the eldest decided he only wanted to see the baby away from me but was very promptly told this wouldn't be happening despite the fact his mother assured him it was something we should facilitate! I don't let the baby spend time around them unsupervised as they are often violent to each other and I wouldn't allow my baby near that but on the whole it worked out quite well considering how bad things were between the step children and I. I've always been sympathetic of the fact it's hard for the children but when you've had 6 years of appalling behaviour and rudeness from step children it does wear very thin!

How did it go OP?

As the owner of a 20 year old and a 13 year old, I can assure you that smothering them in kisses in public saying 'mummy loves you' would be met wit a death stare so intense that I'd be found shrivelled on the pavement.

Your DSS sounds spoilt and confused. He does not need to have special treatment, he needs routine, firm rules and stability from all the adults in his life. I wouldn't take my own child to a scan, I certainly wouldn't want to take someone else's who made it clear they didn't like me!

This kid needs to be given rules and consequences for breaking them and incentives for keeping them. The sort of stuff most parents do when they are small so they don't end up with teens who are obnoxious. Telling him first is fine, but for the love of god, don't start letting him choose nursery stuff or names.

I hope it all went well but your partner really needs to wake up to the reality of his son's behaviour at 13. It will only get worse unless this boy starts to feel secure in his life.

Not sure why the OP was given a hard time and I’m an ex wife.

And for those saying that it’s perfectly normal to smother a thirteen year old with kisses and tell him mummy loves you mummy misses you, I can only assume none of you have teens. Because trust me while there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of affection and the mention of being loved, that level at thirteen is way overkill and is certainly not normal. Equally I am of the view that telling a child how much you miss them before sending them to their other parent is incredibly manipulative and is not on.

And while my DS doesn’t now have a relationship with his DF’s partner for other reasons, if he’d spoken to her in a way the DSS here speaks to the OP he would bloody well incur my wrath once he got home.

WRT the pregnancy, when my eXH told DS his DP was pg he too was thirteen and was absolutely not impressed as up till then he was an only child. However he did come round to the idea and although he doesn’t have a relationship with his half brother to speak of now he does I think feel some affection for him. But then the relationship with his dad is difficult as eXH has his family and DS does feel on the outside. But also, he’s a teenager, and babies just aren’t that interesting to teenagers, even ones that live with them a lot of the time, so even if he isn’t sure I wouldn’t put too much of it down to being a stepchild and would attribute some to just being a teen.....

DSD1 (who was 11 at the time) kicked off massively after DD was born. Screaming in her face, kicking the Moses basket stand, shouting and hitting out at DSD2 and DS1. She hated everyone and everything. Without letting the behaviour slide we also wanted to find out what was bothering her so much, because that was the root of the behaviour.

Turns out her mum told her that her dad had a baby girl now and wouldn’t want her any more, that she and her sister wouldn’t be wanted any longer because they weren’t his by blood (they’re his SDs from his marriage) and that DD would mean he’d stop caring.

DD is 5 now, and she, DSD1 (now 16) and DS2 are all in a heap on DSD1s bed playing Lego Jurassic world laughing like drains.

It took a while, and we always came down hard on aggressive behaviour, but also recognised that emotionally a new baby (we had 2 inside a year!) is a massive upheaval for older siblings, especially ones who don’t live in your house full time, so made sure she (and the rest of the bairns) felt loved, wanted and most of all still had time with us one on one.

That massive ramble basically was meant to say, time, investing time and listening, and reassuring constantly is how it worked for us.

There was a post a couple of months ago where the OP was scared of how her adult SD would take the pregnancy news. She was delighted when her dad told her.

I'm sorry but those I love you and mummy will miss you are OTT for a teenager. These kids go on school trips and sleepovers/scouts etc...I bet she only does that at drop off.

And the shoes next to yours!! Ridiculous nonsense. He does sound rather spoilt.

Gosh some people are so hard on step parents, you shouldn't do this you shouldn't do that, you sound very young! The thing is these kids have complicated lives usually but that is no reason to be rude to you and I hope your dp doesn't allow it. It's a difficult age op too but he needs to show you some respect, I'm glad you didn't hold up your life for a spoilt kid, he will accept it eventually x

If he's going to the scan with you , prepare him for being asked to wait outside until the scan is completed. Hopefully it will be fine but anomaly scans are not just for smiling at the baby.

@littlepotatoes sorry for the delay! So my partner took him out and told him just the two of them - he told me it went fine, but I heard from my MIL later on that he was not thrilled, but I think he wanted to shield me from that.

I’d suggested he tell his ex first and then his son so he’d have someone to go to about it if he didn’t want to talk to us. He refused to do this, and I can now see why.

He told her afterwards and all hell broke loose. She was repeatedly calling her son whilst he was with us to tell him to prepare to never sleep again, never get to go on holiday with us again, to not have any of his dad’s time any more and sent us both a lot of abusive messages about how selfish we are and how we’ve not thought about how this will affect his bursary at his school or what she will do in February half terms if we don’t take him skiing (which we are still doing as normal this year and have no plans to change that?).

the poor kid was more knocked for six by his mums response than the news but I think it made him see himself as more of a brother in a weird way. He’s not really spoken about it with me, but his dad tells me he’s been more talkative between the two of them.

I am honestly actually so shocked at his ex’s response. I get it would be really hard to hear that your partner has moved on, but I can’t imagine putting all that anxiety on to a child, when we’ve been agonising over how to make this work so it’s minimum disruption for everyone.

Sorry for the delay in coming back to everyone. The insight and advice was so valuable and really reassured me. I’m nearly half way through now and I just want to enjoy this pregnancy but I think I’ve got a little way to go before that can happen yet.

Thank you all again for your support.

Happy to share a positive experience.... We told my stepson (9) that we are expecting and for the most part, he's been very accepting.
Initially, we led him to believe that we were "just thinking about maybe one day having a baby" and asked him what did he think about that. It allowed us to address his concerns (we won't have to share a room will we???). Once we had reassured him that it wasn't the worst idea in the world, a few weeks later we told him we'd decided to go ahead and get pregnant now that we knew he was ok with the idea. I hoped it made him feel like he was part of the decision process...and luckily he's too young to realise that I was already pregnant during all those conversations!! Now, he is still disappointed to discover he'll have a younger sister not a brother, but is excited and happy for us.

How did it go telling him over Christmas?

Bloody hell, his ex sounds like a complete bitch. Your poor DSS having her putting all that in his head!

It’s pathetic when parents can’t put their own kids first and have to try and get back at their ex because they’re so bitter.

Can't actually believe people are telling you to stay away, how absolutely ridiculous. Do not listen, you should be allowed to be excited about the arrival of your new baby.. not everything has to be centred around your stepchild. I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Congratulations