Feeling a stranger at home.

[Karen4775]

I moved in with my partner about 18 months ago, he was widowed about 8 years ago which was tragic in itself. His kids were 10 and 15 at the time. So they'd been on their own since then. Then I came along, doh had liked me for a couple of years but was very shy and I just wanted to look after him. I know now that he's certainly not shy and we laugh about it now. He made the comment last night, that the younger one is so much happier since I've been around, the house is full of wonderment and its like I've sprinkled fairy dust around the place which was lovely to know. We are happy.

The trouble comes with the elder one of the two. He lives abroad for 6-8 months of the year but comes back in October until February, its during this time I'm made to feel like a stranger at home. I come in from work and rarely get acknowledged. I'm made to feel like I'm in the way. Someday's I feel like I'm making progress and he'll actually talk, but then will blank me. I'm getting fed up with the attitude. When I've spoken to his dad about it i get, oh its just his way. I do get upset, I haven't done anything wrong. I can't wait until he goes away and I feel guilty for it. We're all going away for Christmas half of me is soo looking forward to it, the other half I'm dreading it. Am I just whinging? If anyone's been in a similar situation I'd be grateful for any advice. Thanks K

Is this the same house that he shared with his wife? I'm not saying it's right, but is the son struggling with the fact you're living in the house that belonged to his mum?
I know you say it's your home, but he was old enough to have plenty of memories of his mum in that house. Maybe it's an adjustment he's not come to terms with yet?

When I've spoken to his dad about it i get, oh its just his way

This is completely unacceptable. If he’s going to be staying under your roof he can afford you basic manners. Your partner isn’t doing anyone any favours by allowing his son to be rude to you.

He’s old enough to be able to be polite and respectful to the person who’s house he is living in.

Can you talk to your partner again and explain how it’s making you feel?

"Oh it's just his way" seems like it's his way of saying he's a rude twat.

Does he chat much to his dad etc.? I'd be inclined to ask what his problem is directly, he is an adult and should behave like one.

In my experience the older kids have a harder time accepting change. If you’ve been in their lives for a long time I’d just broach this myself with the boy. Of course it’s better if tackled sensitively, but I do think it’s better out in the open than buried away for you to suffer it. When the younger kids get older they may pick up on it too.

I’d say to him, is there anything wrong? And be really specific. Say what you think is pushing you out. Expect him to just react a bit so don’t lose your cool. Don’t expect things to change over night. It might help to also do something nice for him too at the same time. Even if it’s just t you’ve got in his favorite snacks. Start to shift the relationship. Then maybe not this year. But over a year or so, you can build up a nice balance?

I have had experience of this, and my DP didn’t help by doing what yours did. Except she was full time and it just got worse, and worse. At least as he’s living away most of the time you can establish.

No it’s not acceptable.
It is not acceptable to come into your own home and be ignored. I’ve had this done to me and it’s just deeply unsettling and disrespectful. There may be many reasons for it, but your DH should not be minimising it and brushing it off.

That is now your home, I presume you are contributing to it? If his son wants to come back and live there for 4 months, then he needs to do it on the understanding that he at least has some minimal manners to adhere to. You need to tell him just how upsetting this is for you and ou need to decide how to tackle it collectively.

Once in place, these dynamics don’t just stop.

Hi OP,

I probably can give you the perspective from the other side as I don't talk to my mums boyfriend much. But first I'll ask you a question, why do you care so much? Are you trying to be their mum or something?
I just don't understand why you feel the need to have a relationship with him if he doesn't want one with you. Also do you have much in common with him? What do you expect from him in terms of communication?

Some of you have suggested talking to his dad about it again but I'd suggest not doing that.
You can't force a grown adult to like you, no matter how much you complain about it. I've had my mother's boyfriend complain to her that I don't say hi all of the time or talk to him, and my response to her is 'why does he want to talk to me so bad? 😂' Sorry but I didn't know that if you love someone, everyone else also has to love them. I have nothing in common with him, he loves fishing and football and I like either. He doesn't like anything of what I like so I'm turn, have nothing in common to talk about. So am I being rude? No, I just don't want to feel like I've got to waste my time with useless small talk that bores me. You might think this is harsh but when you're a grown adult and have your own life and problems, it's not as simple as sitting us down and saying 'you need to be nice and polite.'

You need to accept that you will never be his mother and if you keep going to his dad snitching about him and the dad keeps going to him about it, it will make you more unlikeable to him because now you will be causing an issue between him and his dad which the son won't like.
I think you also need to look at your own behaviour, are you expecting too much? Are you trying to force a friendship and coming off needy and over friendly?

Of cause I'm not blaming all of his actions on you, maybe he also needs to reflect on why he's acting the way he does but I'd like to ask you again 'Why do you care so much?' He doesn't live there does he? So it's a temporary situation. On top of this, you don't want to make things awkward for him. Yes its unfair that the situation is awkward for you but I think it's because you care too much. I'd say try the tactic of concentrating on your relationship and your own life and dong hover around the son too much, let him be. I'm not saying it's a long term solution and I'm not saying him being 'rude' to you is right but like I've already said, he's a grown adult and you can't change his behaviour but you can change how you react to it.

Hope this helps!

chloem I don’t agree. It’s basic human manners to acknowledge the presence of someone who is living with you (even for a week, a month, six months). Small talk is perhaps not necessary, but basic acknowledgement is, IMO.

Chloem I agree that no one needs to force an adult to do anything. Include living in a house where they may not like/ want to have anything to do with one of the adults living there.

I also think (based on your post), you are being rude. You can justify your behaviour and say you have better things to do than useless small talk with someone you have nothing in common with. What goes around comes around. Remember that. Also remember that a little bit of kindness goes a long way. Maybe it’s just because it’s written down and it’s misconstrued but if any of my DC came home and were that entitled with their self importance (they don’t want to waste their time) I would tell them to pack their bags and not come back until they had remembered common decency and manners. Which from time to time, includes making small talk with people because it’s the nice, polite, kind thing to do.
And if you’re living in someone’s house, then you find a few minutes a day to do that if needs be.

chloe you sound like a spoilt brat.

I dont have anything in common with my in laws for example. I hate fil but im still bloody polite to him because im not a self important knob.

Manners cost nothing.

Op id sit down with dp and tell him you find it unacceptable for his adult child to ignore you. Either that or he finds somewhere else to stay when he comes back.

Is the son now 23? Because he's not really a child returning home now is he, he's a grown man who needs to learn manners.

@chloe do you live with your mum and her partner? You'd not be at home much longer if you were mine with an attitude like that!

chloem sorry, I think you're wrong, and dare I say it, I feel sorry for your Mum's boyfriend. You don't have to like him or have much in common, but small talk and manners cost nothing and make everyone feel better, including your Mother. How can that be a bad thing? Would you treat a work colleague like that? I hope not.

I very much doubt OP is trying to be a Mother to her DP's son. As to why does she care, well I imagine its because being treated badly in her own own is upsetting and frankly, he should be ashamed of himself.

OP, I feel your pain, and sadly, it's a common problem. No, you can't make him like you - and to be honest, he doesn't sound very like-able anyway so I doubt you like him either. Don't try. BUT, you do have to live in the same house for 5 months so the situation can't go on as it is.

I'd sit him and your DP down and say that you'd like to discuss it, as adults. Say to the son that you know that the situation is difficult for him, and you'd like to understand it from his point of view. Tell him that you know you may not like what you hear (and be genuinely prepared NOT to like what you hear), but that you will listen - and try to listen objectively even though it's very hard to do.

THEN, when he's said his bit, tell them both how it's making you feel. Tell him that you are not trying to replace his Mother and that you mean no disrespect to her memory, that you are not trying to diminish the relationship he has with his Father or come between them in any way... BUT you are here to stay, you love his Father and whilst you accept that you and his son may never really get along, that's ok, so long as you all treat one another with basic manners and respect. Anything less is not ok, not acceptable and cannot continue.

Good luck

Being polite should be expected, but as he’s an adult, he doesn’t have to be your best friend and confidente. I guess it’s his home too, and maybe he feels equally alienated in his home. He just might not feel comfortable around you and feel resentful that he has to share what was once the home for the three of them with someone he doesn’t much care for.

His behaviour isn’t okay, but, he may feel by accepting you he is betraying his mother. Talking to him and explaining your not trying to take her place, that you want him to feel comfortable, and you do too. Explain it is your house and you want to feel comfortable and you expect him to respond and say hi and so on, and then ask what you can do to make it more comfortable for him in return. It may not get the response you hope for, but it is fair and is a bit of give and take on both sides. I would also expect more from your partner - i’m not sure what you have said but you need to make him understand that he needs to play a part in helping your relationship with his son, from which everyone would benefit.!

It’s all very well saying that the boy just doesn’t feel comfortable, he’s lost his mother, he doesn’t need to like her. But ignoring someone and being off with someone you are living with is a big issue. There IS an issue.

So someone has to try and resolve that issue and make it better.

I don’t understand how anyone can say that there’s no problem being really off with someone that they live with. That it’s the other persons fault for wanting too much. And who is also the partner to their parent. This isn’t like acquaintance, or distant work colleague. This is a person who has daily close contact and probably cooks for you.

The OP has tried. Now it’s up to the step son.

My son doesn’t really gel with his step Dad. However he does respect him, he engages in small talk and he always acknowledges him. It’s the least he can do because he’s not rude and is a decent boy.

Maybe he's just very shy and just doesn't know what to say? I say this because my 10 y.o is like that and I constantly have to remind him to say hello to my DP and look him in the eyes when he asks him questions. Yet, he cares about him, he tells me that, but not to my DP. My DP also feels ignored, but luckily he's not the type to worry too much about it.
How is he around other people? (other than his dad or sister). Maybe it's nothing personal and in this case, just try to be nice with him without imposing yourself and he might start feeling more comfortable around you.

3 adults in a house would make brief small talk and would be grateful for things done in the running of the house which made their life easier. The OP I'm sure doesn't invite the rude DS so the fact he feels entitled as an adult to turn up then disappear when it suits him demonstrates his cheek.
I am posting from Chloems POV of an adult.

He is 23 ? I'd imagine that the average 23 year old who is staying with family, might not be overly sociable. I'd ignore it. He doesn't appear to know you and has never lived with you - you have moved in with his Dad but that doesn't automatically make you close. As his father says, this is just how he is. Try to stop letting it get to you.

I've been married to DH for 11 years and his three adult sons have exchanged less than 20 words with me in all that time. I try to let this roll off like water off a duck's back. I smile and act friendly, but if they ignore me I get on with life. It's all you can do.

I’m shocked at that birdie. You’ve been married for 11 years and the adult sons barely talk to you.

I’m sorry but that is deeply deeply shocking. To whom is this level of behaviour acceptable? By no means am I saying that anyone has to be friendly or be friends or be OTT, but since when is it acceptable that healthy, functioning adults can be in a home environment and simply blank someone because they feel like it?

My DC are far younger than any of these so called ‘adults’ and if there was someone here and they thought it was acceptable to blank them, repeatedly, a rocket would be put under them.

Manners cost nothing. And I’m telling you now, the people skills required in the future will be focussed around the ability to interact, connect with another human, have empathy...the things machines won’t be able to displace. Along with creativity, agility of thinking and strategy.

If anyone is raising DC’s who cannot even find the wherewithal to display basic manner, words fail me. And birdie for you, my heart goes out to you. Not. Acceptable. And you should not have to learn to let it roll off you like water off a ducks back. Deeply sad that your DH has allowed you to be treated that way for so long.

Hi TooSassy my DH's sons don't live with us - two of them live with their mother and one is married. They are all in a different town , a few hours away from us. The two who are at home with their mum, are both deadbeats who sponge off her and I doubt that they would be polite to anyone , let along myself. DH and I live our own lives and I've never expected the three "boys" to be sociable. That's why it doesn't bother me - I doubt that they even speak to their own mother unless they have to.

My comment about letting it roll off me, is quite true. You can't let this kind of thing bother you. The OP has moved in with a man whose wife died in tragic circumstances when the two boys were young. Who knows what these circumstances were - perhaps the older boy was traumatised at the time . He may have some mental issues and might find it hard to come home and find another woman living in his mother's home. Expecting him to shape up and 'be nice" might be asking for something he can't do.

Your situation is very different though Birdie as they don’t live with you. OP shouldn’t have to put up with being ignored in her own house.

There’s no way my mum or dad would have allowed me to be rude to my step parents. Or anyone else living in my house.

His Dad should say if you want to live here you need to have basic manners towards everyone living here. Maybe going into detail of what that looks like as you would a child. Say please and thank you. Say hello when you see someone. Reply to questions.

chloem, you are bloody rude. Whether you like your mother's boyfriend or not, or if you have something or nothing in common with him, what does it hurt you to be polite? At the bare minimum, saying hi costs you nothing. Likewise with the OP's stepson. It costs nothing to be civil and there is no excuse for it. Even when he was an adult, I expected my ex-stepson to be polite, so saying hello, please and thank you. He seldom stayed with us, but when he did, he knew the rules.

OP, I think you need to say something directly to both your partner and his son when they are together. It is horrible to feel you are not welcome in your own home and at 23, this young man should know one hell of a lot better.

I can't see the benefit in pushing this issue. It will only cause more problems in the end.

He may them decide not to come home and the relationship with his dad will become strained and you'll be seen as the cause of it, by him and your DP.

You just moved in 18 months ago and perhaps he doesn't like it. It could be you living there he doesn't like (in what he considers as home) or it may be you he doesn't like ... or simply the fact his dad has moved on.

Pushing the issue will seem like you want your DP to chastise him or to kick him out if he's not nice and polite to you.... if you force this...you'll be the one pushed out.

If you're brave enough...speak directly to him and say you're wondering if you've done anything to offend him, due to how he relates/interacts with you.

Say it calmly..in.a non accusatory manner.

chloem as far as I see it you are the one causing an issue with your mothers boyfriend not the other way around. You are really coming off as horrible.

Do I have anything in common with my stepdad? Not really, but I make the effort to ask how he is, invite him out with us etc. and generally be polite because when I am visiting I am staying in his house that he pays for. It's not much to ask to be acknowledged in your own home is it?

How would you feel if you had to have a spoiled brat that didn't acknowledge your existence invade your space that you pay for and make YOU feel like the outsider. Grow up.

@chloem93

I'm wondering how you'd feel if your mum ignored your DH/DP in the way you ignore her BF?

It's very natural to want the people we love and care about to like or get on with each other.