So, I'm new to "step parenting" and I don't have any kids of my own.
Back storey. Partners ex had numerous affairs so there relationship ended well before I even knew my partner existed. When we met she had a boyfriend who was 19. She's 34. My partner is 33 and I'm 26. Kids are boy 7/8 and girl 6.
She works 22 hours is on benefits and lives in a flat. (how she described herself last night). Partner works full time as a retail manager. His days off are around the kids getting to and from school and one weekend day off a month to have with the kids. He has them most evenings except Thurs and Mon. She has them. He lets her to have the kids benefits so she can afford a roof for when the kids are there. If he has got to work I now have them. If she gets called into work I have them. I work full time and have a very good job. I'm a senior manager and can drop in and out of work at a drop of a hat. I have a very good wage not that is matters I'm just talking context. Me having the kids has never bothered her before. Ever. They stay at mine as I have my own house which they have own bedrooms in. Dad's house they go to occasionally but not that often. Again never been an issue for mom. Although new thing since summer 18. She's even messaged me and pre booked me over Xmas on her days when she wants to go out or work. I don't work over Xmas so I've agreed xmas should be with family not clubbing and I'm more then happy to have nights in with the kids and partner.
It was girls birthday this week. So dad bought her a bike and I got her some other bits including an alexa and cry baby. I spent around £70 so didn't see a problem. It was pre agreed I'd buy the cry baby as she asked for it. We text Mom and asked if she planned to if not I would, mom was very happy about that. I text and asked her on the Tuesday if I could have them Saturday to take to a party. She agreed. She had also made a remark to my partner that boy needs new shoes. Partner stated he has shoes when he's with us if she wants to buy more she's more then welcome to do so but that partner wouldn't buy some for at hers. She wasn't happy about this. Everything we buy them if it goes to hers it never comes back. We have known them go to hers and come back two days later wearing same under wear. We went aWay for a week and she had them and they informed us they hadn't bathed. They always come to us in dirty stained clothes and hungry. Was more of an issue previously but now I'm around and help Dad out and mom they go for such short times it doesn't affect them. They know no different I just give them a bath/shower clean them up and put in fresh clothes. Wash clothes mom sends without kids knowing and send back. I do it all privately and dad doesn't know half the stuff because it's not worth the agro. Kids are happy they are happy I'm happy.
We have our issues around disciplining when the kids are naughty as dad over compensates. But that's improving after a conversation with Dad and the kids about rules at my house.
So Saturday comes and I've got the kids as agreed by mom for this party. The party is at a free museum. I bath the kids and they were due to go to hers for the night for an event or something so I bath and dress nice. I go to put boys shoes on him well help him and notice the ones we bought are not here so text Dad they r in his car. So I put on the shoes mom has him in. I'd never really looked at them till now. They had holes in u could see his feet through them, he said he hated wearing them and they looked dreadful so I text Dad and sent a photo. We wasn't aware they were like this. So I pop out and buy some shoes. They were 15quid. I made no comment to kids I just went oh dear let's pop the shop and get some new then. We then went the party and they loved it.
Dropped them off and them comes the abuse. She was nice and allowed me to take to a party but I lied and took them on a nice day out and she could have done that and then I've taken them shopping and I'm rubbing it in her face that I have money. She mentioned the Alexa because she bought the girl a CD player for bday I didn't know that and the Alexa was 19.99. allot of the argument was about her feelings and how my partner doesn't care. I asked for examples of how I rubbed money in her face and she couldn't give me none and just told me to bear it in mind. She said it wasn't about the shoes it was about trying to out Do her. Which I've never done. Partner reminded her how helpful I am with childcare so she can do what she wants. But the abuse kept coming till 1am. Now partner knew I was getting the shoes before I did it. She wasn't bothered about that It seems she's bothered about what I do with them even though i asked.
We since learnt that the kids were off school Friday but we didn't know. She's asked her new male friend to have them. They stayed in the flat all day.
So, please tell me, have I over stepped the mark? Am I rubbing it in her face? There are things the kids have asked for that I haven't bought. They don't know I could just buy them but I know showering the kids in stuff is not the way to go. I've bought clothes shopping when we have had events to go to which I do often with work. It's never been a problem til today so I don't know why now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I even asked what she would want me to do different and she just said bear in mind me. Well I do, hence why the kids don't know my real feelings towards her. I have never randomly spoilt the kids. I don't know if she's upset her new male friend didn't take the kids out, if she's feeling down about being single round Xmas as it was a lot about how my partner didn't care about her anymore. I've been with my partner over a year. Last time she kicked off like this was when her 19yr old bf left her. I don't blame hi , he didn't it because he didn't want to commit to two kids. Fair play for leaving before they got attached.
I'm just so lost. Sorry about the long message?! I'm dead paranoid about this message because I genuinely don't brag about money. I'm not from a wealthy back ground I worked hard for this and no one except my partner knows what I earn and I spend same amount on every one for bdays and I'm sensible with it! I can't let the kids walk round I. Falling apart clothes and I think the most expensive day out I took them too was a play area!
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