Help?!?!

[TeleDot]

So, I'm new to "step parenting" and I don't have any kids of my own.

Back storey. Partners ex had numerous affairs so there relationship ended well before I even knew my partner existed. When we met she had a boyfriend who was 19. She's 34. My partner is 33 and I'm 26. Kids are boy 7/8 and girl 6.

She works 22 hours is on benefits and lives in a flat. (how she described herself last night). Partner works full time as a retail manager. His days off are around the kids getting to and from school and one weekend day off a month to have with the kids. He has them most evenings except Thurs and Mon. She has them. He lets her to have the kids benefits so she can afford a roof for when the kids are there. If he has got to work I now have them. If she gets called into work I have them. I work full time and have a very good job. I'm a senior manager and can drop in and out of work at a drop of a hat. I have a very good wage not that is matters I'm just talking context. Me having the kids has never bothered her before. Ever. They stay at mine as I have my own house which they have own bedrooms in. Dad's house they go to occasionally but not that often. Again never been an issue for mom. Although new thing since summer 18. She's even messaged me and pre booked me over Xmas on her days when she wants to go out or work. I don't work over Xmas so I've agreed xmas should be with family not clubbing and I'm more then happy to have nights in with the kids and partner.

It was girls birthday this week. So dad bought her a bike and I got her some other bits including an alexa and cry baby. I spent around £70 so didn't see a problem. It was pre agreed I'd buy the cry baby as she asked for it. We text Mom and asked if she planned to if not I would, mom was very happy about that. I text and asked her on the Tuesday if I could have them Saturday to take to a party. She agreed. She had also made a remark to my partner that boy needs new shoes. Partner stated he has shoes when he's with us if she wants to buy more she's more then welcome to do so but that partner wouldn't buy some for at hers. She wasn't happy about this. Everything we buy them if it goes to hers it never comes back. We have known them go to hers and come back two days later wearing same under wear. We went aWay for a week and she had them and they informed us they hadn't bathed. They always come to us in dirty stained clothes and hungry. Was more of an issue previously but now I'm around and help Dad out and mom they go for such short times it doesn't affect them. They know no different I just give them a bath/shower clean them up and put in fresh clothes. Wash clothes mom sends without kids knowing and send back. I do it all privately and dad doesn't know half the stuff because it's not worth the agro. Kids are happy they are happy I'm happy.
We have our issues around disciplining when the kids are naughty as dad over compensates. But that's improving after a conversation with Dad and the kids about rules at my house.

So Saturday comes and I've got the kids as agreed by mom for this party. The party is at a free museum. I bath the kids and they were due to go to hers for the night for an event or something so I bath and dress nice. I go to put boys shoes on him well help him and notice the ones we bought are not here so text Dad they r in his car. So I put on the shoes mom has him in. I'd never really looked at them till now. They had holes in u could see his feet through them, he said he hated wearing them and they looked dreadful so I text Dad and sent a photo. We wasn't aware they were like this. So I pop out and buy some shoes. They were 15quid. I made no comment to kids I just went oh dear let's pop the shop and get some new then. We then went the party and they loved it.

Dropped them off and them comes the abuse. She was nice and allowed me to take to a party but I lied and took them on a nice day out and she could have done that and then I've taken them shopping and I'm rubbing it in her face that I have money. She mentioned the Alexa because she bought the girl a CD player for bday I didn't know that and the Alexa was 19.99. allot of the argument was about her feelings and how my partner doesn't care. I asked for examples of how I rubbed money in her face and she couldn't give me none and just told me to bear it in mind. She said it wasn't about the shoes it was about trying to out Do her. Which I've never done. Partner reminded her how helpful I am with childcare so she can do what she wants. But the abuse kept coming till 1am. Now partner knew I was getting the shoes before I did it. She wasn't bothered about that It seems she's bothered about what I do with them even though i asked.

We since learnt that the kids were off school Friday but we didn't know. She's asked her new male friend to have them. They stayed in the flat all day.

So, please tell me, have I over stepped the mark? Am I rubbing it in her face? There are things the kids have asked for that I haven't bought. They don't know I could just buy them but I know showering the kids in stuff is not the way to go. I've bought clothes shopping when we have had events to go to which I do often with work. It's never been a problem til today so I don't know why now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I even asked what she would want me to do different and she just said bear in mind me. Well I do, hence why the kids don't know my real feelings towards her. I have never randomly spoilt the kids. I don't know if she's upset her new male friend didn't take the kids out, if she's feeling down about being single round Xmas as it was a lot about how my partner didn't care about her anymore. I've been with my partner over a year. Last time she kicked off like this was when her 19yr old bf left her. I don't blame hi , he didn't it because he didn't want to commit to two kids. Fair play for leaving before they got attached.

I'm just so lost. Sorry about the long message?! I'm dead paranoid about this message because I genuinely don't brag about money. I'm not from a wealthy back ground I worked hard for this and no one except my partner knows what I earn and I spend same amount on every one for bdays and I'm sensible with it! I can't let the kids walk round I. Falling apart clothes and I think the most expensive day out I took them too was a play area!
🤯🤯🤯

I'm not really sure what her problem is. Is it that you've got more money than she has? You work hard, you've got a good job and you buy stuff for her kids, but not too much as you don't want to spoil them.What does dp say about all this? I wouldn't be too pleased about them spending all day in her new man's flat tbh.

There isn't much you can do about it, when a person is irrational like this. You sound pleasant and sensible. She sounds batshit.

Hiya,
My partner is more then happy with what I do. He knows I get over excited making them happy and feel welcome so we discuss everything before I do it. For example there bedrooms i would kit them out. Not to outdo or spoil just so they felt at home in my home. He slows me down and we do it sensibly. On a general day to day I dont spoil them, on bday and Xmas I don't spoilt them. But if they need something like essentials I'll buy it. The bedroom thing Is a me issue. I want them to feel welcome and my partner says fully decorated bedrooms won't achieve that. So they have nice rooms and some toys in there but not daft stuff it's now just typical children's rooms. If that makes sense. I have no experience at this. I'll admit I can get carried away but I talk to Dad about it and we do it together while I'm learning so she has no idea of the silly expensive fleeting thoughts I have had 😂 I haven't ever done anything without checking with Dad first.

Yes I think she has an issue with me having money, that I do things with the kids and that they are happy with me. And that Me and my partner are very happy together.

Her new male friend stayed in her flat with them not his. Sorry didn't make that clear. Not that we were impressed but partner won't kick up a fuss unless necessary all he did was say let me know next time your stuck and if we can help we will.

Is she worried that they will want to come and live with you?

Possibly.

The kids asked me on the way back to hers If I would have babies so they can have a brother and sister. And they have said they want to live with us. But I told them how lucky they are to have two homes, two big families and lots of people loving them! I also said I don't know if I will have babies but for now I'm very happy they are in my life and that will never change. I do genuinely care for these children and I like them to know that. But not that I'm over stepping mom. I talk about how amazing mom is and what they do with Mom is brilliant.

I think she's jealous of my relationship with Dad. I am very lucky he is a wonderful man. I accept they had there differences. I accept he wasn't innocent. There are always two sides. But with me, he's amazing. Yes he's a bit weak on the supportive side if they need any dicispline. I got to the end of my tether with that last week and posted took the advice and we have worked on that now. But generally he's brilliant and he's such a doting dad. She's just a very jealous person I think.

I don't want to be there mom. I am dad's partner and that all I ever want to be to them. I want them to feel safe and comfortable with me and dad and feel welcome in our family. And also if we ever have our own.

I think she's feeling very down at the moment. She's messaged again today with more abuse. It's not about the kids so he ignored it.

It's exhausting!

Ignore and tbh I'd stop offering to help her out if she was like this
You did the right thing ref shoes etc. We have bought new trainers etc before as the ones we were sent didn't fit.
Igore the crazy, she isn't your monkey and tbh if she was being abusive I'd cut contact until she was more reasonable. All contact can go through dp

You should block her number. She can whinge to your DP if she wishes, but fuck making all that effort with the DC only to constantly be on edge waiting for the next time she wants to use you to vent her spleen 👋

I don't have contact with her. Just to add. I messaged off his phone with his permission to try and rationalist and demonstrate I was being as supportive as I could. But got nowhere and stopped

I have said that to partner oh I won't bother next time but I just feel for the children stook in the middle. If I didn't help out who would they end up with when she can't have them ?! God knows and we have learn that in the past.

Starting to realise no matter what we do, there is no solution

Easy answer your DP can have them or make arrangements, if you were not together he would have to. If you split up you wouldn't see the kids again nessisarily.
He needs to.sort this and parent

Spanglyprincess- no offence but how is that going to help matters?. So if I don't help out and don't spend time with him and the children then How are we going to make it work in the future? He does parent and he does make arrangements if I can't have them or he can't have them. His life is round making sure he or someone he trusts has them when they are due to be with him. I accept if we split I wouldn't see the kids again. But none of this means I should be the type of GF to just not partake in this part of his life.

When I committed to him I committed to his children also and the problems that come with them. I'm looking for advice on wether I crossed the line or any ideas on positively moving forward from people who may or may not have been in this situation. I do not want to sherk my responsibilities.

Lookatyourwatchnow- thanks mate. I like that. Made me chuckle. Your right tho, I'm doing my best here for the children. This does not benefit me in anyway! I never planned on having kids so taking on someone else's is not easy! How does having to do all this stuff for them buy it all pay for it all help me personally in anyway? I could be put with my mates partying and clubbing and going on girls holidays like I used to! 😂😂 I'm doing it to support my partner it's not something someone does easily 😂

You havnt crossed a line but he needs to do these activities or eventually it causes these types of problems and resentments.
I used to help out a lot with my dp kids but I don't now for these types of reasons,it makes everyone's life easier in the long run. Do.the kids lose out sometimes yes but that is down to their parents not me, they have to parent them.
I'm sure she will quieten down but you did nothing wrong. She will however keep doing this if you/dp don't draw a line now

You sound fantastic.
My advice from experience... don't help her out, just do what needs to be done for the kids.
All communications through your dp, its not worth the aggro and tbh when they have your number it opens up a giant can of worms.
Make sure you have some time for you and don't become the convenient babysitter for them both. It might feel ok now but a few years down the line it becomes expected then you're drowning in responsibility you get no acknowledgement of.
Other than that as per the kids... keep up the good work, you're doing great!

Spanglyprincess- I'm kind of following. Yes he does parent them But I have them if he can't and she can't otherwise they end up with God knows who. Then when I have them I like to do fun activities with them. I do get what your saying and if I wasn't around yes he'd had no choice. But he does have choice now and why should he risk his career keep taking time off when he doesn't need to right now. He needs his job, he still has his house to pay for and the majority of stuff for kids it's just not as simple as him doing everything x

I think no matter what I do it will never be right. I'm just gonna look at after the kids I can with there dad and ignore her bull kys she will never be happy with what I do will she 🙄

No... it's rare that we ever get it right for everyone. But when you withdraw from the abuse and concentrate on your dp and the children it gets better I promise!

You can't ever win - so do what makes you happy , as much as possible, while bearing in mind the kids.

Tbh it all seems abit much then staying over and having them after only a year together, maybe take a step back and allow you’re dp to deal with mum, things escalate when partners get involved

You sound lovely. The SKs mum cant have it every which way. I wouldnt help her out with childcare on her time anymore.

You sound like a lovely positive influence in their life. She may just be feeling a bit embarrassed and you don't know what they are saying to her. Eg at dads and step mum we do this etc. Kids can say things without meaning to sound mean. I think many people would be happy to have a step mum like u especially when some can be so awful. I wouldn't take it personally I think she's probably a bit jealous/ embarrassed x

You sound like a lovely person. I think your last post is right. Continue doing what you’re happy to do for the kids and ignore her.

You’re not overstepping as far as I can see.

I don't think you're overstepping based on what you've said

You don’t have to listen to her ranting. Or her having a go. As long as you are treating your step kids well, and getting on with your relationship, then basically don’t listen to grievances or jealousies.

Keep hangovers really simple, no talking on the doorstep. Just polite. Don’t reply to rants. Or just get your DP to manage all contact.

Of course she is envious, you have with your OH what she thought she'd have herself with him when they got together. In the end, if she had affairs, she clearly wasn't happy in her relationship.

It's easy to be down as a single mother and to invest everything into your kids and get all your happiness from them. It's understandable that when someone 'perfect' shows up in your kids' life, you should feel threaten that that person gets the reward of what you invested/sacrificed all those years when they didn't.

You just need to give it time so she can see that she is lucky that her kids have a SM who is invested in making them feel welcome and for her to realise that they won't trade her for you. Also for her to start investing in other aspects of her life that brings her happiness.

Your OH is absolutely right to slow you down in your investment in his kids because most people who invest in something expect a return and the more invested we are, the quicker/bigger return we expect even if unconsciously and it hurts when it doesn't happen.

That's the problem SP face, in the end, kids don't forcibly rewards those who invest in them most, they reward those who are most emotionally present in their lives and by default of them spending more time with one parent, it almost always falls on that parent. On the other hand, being the parent who deals with every day matters and worries, that's is the most demanding, exhausting and scary role.

Take it slowly and don't take anything personal.

I wouldn't buy presents that are more than the dms. That is difficult for her. Put yourself in her place. Buying a super cool present like Alexa means a more exciting present than her dm. Thats not nice.

You sound like a lovely person

Really? The first post is full of value judgements about mum - affairs, lives in a flat, benefits, only works part-time, always going out.

Of course mum isn't covering herself in glory, that much is clear. But the OP has gone to great lengths to demonstrate just how much better she and her DP are compared with mum.

No, OP, you can't see children in poor clothing although it would be reasonable to keep clothing at your house for the children and send them back in old stuff. Buying expensive presents is always a minefield and I agree with the poster above - it can feel like oneupmanship and if you're the one not giving your child 'good' presents, it puts you in a difficult place in yourself and potentially with the child who may follow the good stuff and leave you. Whether that's a reason to not buy something a child wants I don't know, but a way forward is perhaps pooling resources together as a parenting team and getting a present from all of you so no one is outdone?