Anyone else just worn out?

[Magda72]

Really just need a vent. I just feel so worn out by both sets of teens & exes at the moment. Honestly I sometimes think that all dp & I do is run around after both sets of kids while both exes just do what they want. The annual Christmas negotiations with my ex re the kids have kicked off with him wanting to change arrangements again which obviously then impacts on dp & dp's ex who also wants to change arrangements this year - for no reason that seems necessary. My exh is having a bad time at work & as per his track record has started drinking regularly (again) which involves him always wanting to go out/go to gigs etc. & so he starts trying to change or cancel access. I know the kids are teens but it's still a total pain. Meanwhile dp's ex is just being her usual difficult self 🙄 - new drama every week.
All the kids are fine & are just being slightly selfish teens - normally I'm fine to deal with teen stuff but I just feel depleted by their wants at the moment.
I'm rambling and ranting - sorry - maybe it's just the onset of silly season has me fed up or maybe I've just hit my mid 40's mid life crisis 😂.

Tbh @TooSassy I think it's just the not being able to properly relax into it. Exh doesn't love Christmas & every year while the routine mainly stays the same he always starts 'acting up' so the weeks before it always seem to be an endless 3 way negotiation between me, him & the kids. I haven't spent a Christmas with my own family in years as the kids don't want to spend it all with exh yet exh insists on seeing them Christmas night so I can't travel. My siblings all live abroad bar one who is quite elderly. Since meeting dp the negotiation stuff on all sides has only gotten worse & I've spent the last 4 years being on the sidelines of his drama - there's been two christmases where his exw just didn't do Santa so even though she was supposed to have the kids those two christmases dp had to step in & take the kids so that they'd have presents to open on Christmas morning! Those christmases where spent in his house as his guys don't love coming to me so dp & I have actually never had a proper Christmas together. It just goes on & on on both sides I find.
Exh & I generally manage things well but Christmas really pushes his buttons & he just ties the kids up in knots.
As @LatentPhase suggests. next year I'll be tempted to run away lol.
Don't get me wrong - I really enjoy my time with the kids but the whole bigger picture of Christmas is sort of marred for me (not that I'd ever say that to the kids!).

@latent glad you minimized the stress! Waves back.
@toosassy hope your Christmas went okay too? Were you with DP or is it finished?
@magda I wonder whether you can ‘insist’ back next year? What would work for you? I’ve sent years being too accommodating and then one year I just said I’d alternate - one year totally on my terms for one week the kids with me, next year left open for him. Set the terms early and let your Ex complain or try to change it, just keep saying it doesn’t work for you. You deserve happy Christmases, at least 50% of the time, and so do your kids. For your DP too, I think he’d be better just alternating, and giving the kids presents before or after?

magda I would do exactly what banana says and put some boundaries in around this one with the ex. I am totally flexible with my EXH but this was the one thing that I was very firm on. Whomever had the DC over Xmas had them for a period of at least 3 days, allowing the other person to actually get away/ have a life. Likewise it allowed for the person who had them to do the same. My ex was also wobbly around Xmas and a few times talked about backing out and I made it clear that he could but the following year that wouldn’t make me change my arrangements and I would be taking the DC away so he would forfeit Two christmases and that was his choice.

This year I didn’t have my DC and as such I spent it abroad with my family. I got to recharge, sleep and was completely looked after. It was the best decision ever because I have come back refreshed and ready for this year.

banana my DP and I are still very much together. It’s been a tough few months but we’re in a better place. I think my decision to spend Xmas with my family and not him, in the nicest possible way was the best thing for us. It removed me from his Xmas dramas and most importantly gave me that opportunity to recharge. In a way that quite simply you can’t if you are playing hostess.

Magda all I will say is this, you’re no good to anyone, depleted and worn out. You must look after yourself and your needs. Bluntly speaking if your DP is currently consumed in settling the situation with his EXW and DC, that’s where most his energies and focus are going. He’s not able to put you and your needs first. It doesn’t make him a bad partner, but he has a lot going on.

That means that you have to start putting yourself first. As I said in my previous post, let him start doing what he needs to do and take a HUGE step back. Re pivot all the energy that has been going into your relationship back into you and your DC. Refocus on you and your children.

It sounds harsh but I’m telling you now, it’s the best thing you can do for you. Start topping yourself up and being selfish. Your DP’s drama doesn’t sound anywhere close to resolution, and you will just get increasingly drained pouring what is needed into the relationship in hope that it helps.

It takes two people to focus and pour emotional energy into a relationship. If you give too much and get nothing back, you’ll end up in a bit great place emotionally (I speak from experience).

I’ve done exactly the above, had the best few months I’ve had in years and created some great memories with my DC. It’s also had (for now) a positive impact on my relationship.

I could not say it more. Take a step back. Pivot your energies to you and your DC. Let your DP crack on with his dramas. You’ll be a in a better place. I have been very close to ending my relationship at the tail end of last year and if I hadn’t taken this time. It may well have happened.

Hi ladies, great advice from you both! Thank you. Re exh & Christmas, I think I made a rod for myself there so to speak. What I mean by this is exh never wanted the kids for a stretch of time over Christmas Day & kids then never wanted Xmas morning with him. Now they're older both kids & exh in a routine that neither want to break! I did ask the kids if this year they would like to spend Xmas Eve & Xmas day with exh as their two younger siblings are at Santa age & there was a resolute no from all three of them! So I think I'm going to have a lot of work to do there in order to change things as I'd not only have to be very firm with exh but with the kids also! - 2019 goal!
And yes, I'm aware that I've become very depleted. Pre dp I used always take a holiday by myself each year & it was one the best thing I did for myself each year. Since meeting dp I use that holiday time to go away with him but this year I'm going to book a trip by myself or with my sisters whether we stay together or not.
@TooSassy can I ask - how does your relationship look now you've stepped back? What I mean is how often do you see each other & when you see each other are certain topics off the table for discussion? I totally hear you when you say dp has a lot on and no time for the relationship - this is true. However I'm finding that if I try to do light & casual a) he doesn't want to go out or do anything fun anymore as he's exhausted & stressed, & b) if we do go out he has nothing to talk about as his whole world at the moment is the kids or work. He was never like this before - this has really only kicked off in the last few months & I honestly don't know how to handle it. I feel that when I step back we sit there in silence, but if I ask him about stuff a 3 hour discussion about his kids & their mother starts up! It's like he has just become consumed by it & can't seem to share it or talk about it in any sort of a rational way. He is seeing a counsellor but I'm not sure it's doing him much good and he seems more miserable & wound up each time he sees her.
It's just occurred to me that maybe he wants out of the relationship to focus on the kids & is too afraid to say it to me. Another topic for "the talk"!

@Magda speaking of schedules. Do you have regular set days when you see your DP? Can you adjust that schedule downwards, too (more me time - space to breathe and think)?

Hi @LatentPhase - dp is self employed so the only schedule we can actually stick to is weekends. At the moment I see him every second sat/sun & he spends the other weekends plus all Friday evenings with his kids. If he is working close to where I live he will come to mine some evenings. If he's working far away he will sometimes make it up for one night but all this really does depend on what's going on at work.
I do get me time on Friday nights when my kids are with their dad but like most I'm normally pretty tired by weeks end lol. On the weekends dp is with his kids I have mine so it's all go - but that's parenthood.
Tbh dp's situation is a large part of how I'm feeling but (& I know this is really a taboo subject) I've been parenting non stop for 22 years & really parenting solo for 12 of those as exh was mentally and emotionally absent for a good 4 years before we split. He then went off the rails for about 2 years & while he's been more on the ball the last 6 years he still has his moments & all the emotional work re the kids is left up to me. I love my kids more than life itself but I am tired. It's been a long, hard slog that is very rewarding but also very tiring & the teens to young adult phase is very tough on so many levels.
I feel like I'm doing nothing but whinging but it's great to be able to say this stuff on here as IRL I'm very capable & I make things look easy & I honestly don't think my friends realize just how hard divorced parenting or blending families is.

Magda

I’ll go through a few bits and may divide it into posts. Firstly, your children are not babies, they are young adults who need a bit of a kick from ‘navel gazing’ (as I like to call it) to looking up and thinking ‘what does Mum need’.

The reality is that you can very much sit them down and say, listen the Christmas arrangement is not working for me. I’m more tired than ever. And I’m sad. And I want to see my family and sleep. Cry if you need to (they need to see you vulnerable).
My DC are a little younger than yours and I’ve had conversations like this (couched in child friendly language). I’ve explained from time to time how tired I am and how I need us to pull together as a team and that means they need to help me. Your children are important, but they should not be able to dictate your priorities when it comes to your health - physical, mental and emotional. Talk to them, be open with them and ask them to help you. And ask, if they would do this for you. And that it would mean the world to you if they made this change. Then sit back and let them mull and see what they say.

Magda I’ve been there as you relay your DP’s behaviour. I remember one weekend organising a huge get together to watch the rugby in a great pub with my friends. Got a great table. All of my friends were under strict instructions to not ask him about his court challenges. And to talk about anything else other than that.

For hours he at there silent as great banter, commentary, jokes etc flowed around him. He was completely removed from it and not able to engage. Eventually one of my friends took pity and said ‘how are you and your DC’ and he was off, like a man possessed, unable to barely contain his relief and go on and on about it.

It was awful. And a turning point for me. Because the reality is that living with someone this consumed, in negativity, takes its toll. It’s exhausting and just drains you of any ounce of happiness. It’s terrible really.

I pulled back huge amounts. I went to seeing him maybe twice a week and I started booking up other fun activities on nights when he previously saw me. I’m back to doing dinners with friends. Going to shows. Booking way more things for just my DC and I. I’ve been on holiday with just my DC this year (I didn’t invite DP) and I’ve been on holiday on my own (again I didn’t invite DP).

They are the best steps I have taken to start fulfilling me. You see I figured out that the only person responsible for my happiness is me. Not my DP, not my DC. But me. And if I’m not happy I cannot blame the world. So I’ve taken very selfish steps to resolve that and I’m starting to see glimmers of the old me.

What’s my DP done about this? He’s stepped up. He started to make a real effort when he does see me. So the time we do spend together has started to become healthier and happier. I do not talk about any of his child related battles at all. I’ve said that for now, I need to removed from all of it and he needs to show me that he has space for me.

It’s a work in progress. And the reality is maybe this relationship won’t end up being the right one for me. Maybe it will.

But in this process I have learnt a hugely valuable lesson and that is to be more careful about how much I pour into situations. I should never have gotten so emotionally involved so fast and the place I am in now is much healthier.

My DC and my personal happiness are my absolute priorities and no one comes before those for now. Not my DP and not his DC. I should never have compromised on those priorities when I met my DP. But I did so because it’s what I do. Well it’s the wrong thing to do when they don’t do the same. Because you end up empty and they just take, take, take.

So in summary. Stop fighting for this relationship, for answers, clarity and his attention. Leave it where it is. And return to you and your DC. Refocus everything to you all.

See what happens when you take the pressure off you and your DP and you refocus on you. Be clear with your DP what you’re going to do and your reasons why.

Then step back. Give yourself some space, make no decisions when you’re feeling like this. Take deep breaths and start doing the little things that make you smile and laugh out loud.

I hope that helps. You can do this and we’re here to support you whatever you decide.

You sound amazing. Chin up. You’ve got this x

Agree 100% with Sassy it sounds (meant kindly) like you prop this relationship up, Magda

It’s understandable. You care. You want the best for him and have the goal of blending families. This keeps you plugged into the drama. It’s not healthy. It’s got one sided.

Stepping back is ‘hold on, what do I want, what can I do that I enjoy’ it applies equally to the dc and to your exH whose moods you are also facilitating by failing to tell people what you need.

I’m doing the same as Sassy, I’m off to Paris next month to see my brother. I’m having a girly night out next week. Both of these are happening on ‘DP weekends’. Because life is too short to be waiting around. Having your own life is essential (and good for your relationship). Only yours is in your control. His is not.

Make plans to spend next Christmas abroad with your family. Tell your exH and your kids now, so they’ve got eleven months to get used to it.

Very good advice from @sassy and @latent. I’m glad, very glad toosassy you are finding a way through. At one point I thought that it was totally over in your relationship, it sounded overwhelming with your DP making you feel bad for just wanting some ‘you’ or you + him time without bringing his drama/kids into every second. It takes time doesn’t it to even realize that IT IS OK to ask/insist on this!

@magda several times I have been stuck - I let my son go every Christmas to my Ex for example for 6 years! What a fool I was. I was pleasing my Ex over even my sons wishes. My son had got into the habit but I did change it. Luckily my own family told me to stop, so I had their full support. Is your family supportive? Can they help work out a better arrangement?

Your DP is totally caught up being his kids savior and embroiled with his Ex. How tough he leaves you as secondary to all of this.

I too have built a life now that is much better, lots of trips with my kids, seeing friends. However my DP (soon to be Ex) did not come with me on any of these, still stuck feeling ‘conflicted’ etc about his kids who refuse to do anything not on their terms and he runs after them, not me, so I do feel lonely at times. I want to find someone who will eventually be able to join me. I hope your DP realizes what he has to lose.

Bananas yes it did take time and a great deal of strength actually. Because stepping back also involves a degree of grieving over the potentially lost dream.

When you meet someone again and do the whole kids intro, it’s not a step you take lightly. To then consider ‘blending’ then it’s a step further. Magda was a step ahead of me in so much that they had planned to get married which is an even bigger mental and emotional step forward.

To then unravel and take a step back from that place, involves accepting that it means your relationship may not work. And with it comes the letting go of the dream and grieving for the loss of what might have been. It’s extremely tough, mentally and emotionally.

But I also think Latent has struck to the point of it. The challenge you have in these situations is when one party remains so emotionally invested in trying to make it work and the other has 99% of their attention pivoted elsewhere it becomes and incredibly unhealthy dynamic. The men get their needs fulfilled because their partner is always there and wanting more. The partner on the other hand is left completely bereft because none of their emotional needs are being met.

The only way to stop this as you say is to step back and create natural space. Accept that this relationship may not be the right fit. Work through the grief of a loss of a dream (which IS hard). But start putting yourself first and staying away.

What your DP then does with that space is up to them. Bananas I too am happy that my DP and I are where we are. It’s been extremely hard on the both of us and we’ve had brutally honesty chats which could have dissolved our relationship on the spot. But for all his faults, my DP has had the ability to pivot, hold firm and work with me through this. Likewise for all my faults. I’ve been able to open up and allow him back in and give us a chance.

I’ll close with one of the things I told my DP was that I categorically was not afraid of being on my own, that I was surrounded by incredible people. And that as much as I loved him, I would walk away, recover and my life would continue. Happier without his drama.

When I said we had brutal convos we really did. And had he not stepped up and made the effort and worked with me, we wouldn’t have even made it to Christmas. And I would be resolutely moving forward building a new happy world.

The fear of being alone can stop us in our tracks. But then I realised I was already alone. Because he wasn’t fulfilling any part of his side of the partnership. Nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship.

Very brave of you too sassy. It is giving up our hopes and dreams, like you say. However by doing so you’ve saved your relationship and are forming a different future. I wish you all the best it really can’t have been easy.

Hi ladies - once again thanks so much for all your input & time!
I've just been sitting with stuff over the last few days & have had a good cry this morning after dropping my eldest back to uni after the Christmas break.
I am quite an independent & vocal person & this was an issue for my exh. It was also been an issue in subsequent relationships & dp was one of the only men I'd ever met who really appreciated this aspect of my personality. However, I also chose to compromise a fair bit in this relationship as I liked him so much & what I mean by that is compromising felt easy & right in a way in never felt before, & up until the last 12 months or so I really felt we were in an equal relationship or maybe I should say a mutually supportive one with shared goals.
Since things have gotten worse with dp's exw & kids that support or sense of equality has dwindled, & I get it - dp only has room in his head right now for his kids. He's a dad & that's how it is however, I do feel he's handling it all really, really badly & the counselling he's having seems to be doing no good whatsoever.
You are all right in that I am propping everyone & everything up. I'm propping up dp in our relationship & my kids in their relationship with their dad. But that's what I do. I'm the strong one & so I'm always there for everyone .
However I was with my therapist whom I only now see about once a month, yesterday & I said to her that I just can't do it any more - I've reached burn out. I truly feel like I've NO support because no one wants their prop to wobble so I get told I'm cranky or unsupportive or over sensitive if I even have a bad half hour!
Today I feel so angry with my exh (irrational I know) who has sailed through 2 kids birthdays, Christmas & NY without really doing any parenting - he's been preparing for his new job in my old workplace (can't even have my old friends left alone by him lol) while I've done all the donkey work (financial & otherwise) for the kids over the last 5 weeks.
Got my irritation with my kids out of the way by having a talk with my male children last night regarding male privilege & told them a few hard cold truths - hope it sank in.
Re dp: I'm going to talk to him this weekend & tell him that I will see him casually as in dating but that I'm stepping back, selling my house & buying somewhere smaller for me & my daughter (as both boys will be at uni/out working soon) as opposed to buying someplace with him. If he takes this as rejection and chooses to walk, so be it.
I was happy to compromise/wait for things but in all honesty it's gotten me nowhere & I'm less me now than I was 5 years ago before I met dp because so much of my time & our time has to revolve around him & his job & his kids & while the relationship isn't bad the externals of the relationship are and they are sucking the life out of me - I honestly feel like getting him, his kids & his ex in a room and telling them all to get their effing shit together. I'm including the kids (teens) in this after dp showing me the Christmas lists they'd only given him (asked their dm for nothing) which amounted to stuff work over 2K between the 3 of them and then they were disappointed because their requested 'surprise gift' wasn't a trip to a premier league football match!!!!
On a lighter note my ruling planet Mars has moved into my star sign so maybe that's why I have finally snapped and gone back into warrior mode lol.
Hugs to you all. You're a great support.

Magda, so lovely to hear from you. I'm doing a stealth post whilst at work because I wanted to reply sooner rather than later.

Firstly, cry, get angry, get all of those negative emotions out. There will be a lot of them inside and as you move through this (based on my experience in the last 6 months), you may move through a cycle of grieving too. All of this needs to come out and if your DP hasn't been topping you up emotionally, then you will feel low. That's ok, I promise you, you WILL bounce back.

Secondly, well done you for doing all the hard work with your DC. All I will say is this, your children aren't blind. They may not say anything, but they see all. You're an amazing parent and you will always have that in your corner. Plus you are showing all of these children that working (outside of the home) and parenting is the normal. They see a strong woman, thats a great role model!

Thirdly. I'm glad you've been that honest with your therapist. You sound as though you are surrounded by people who are 'takers' and who have gotten used to the dynamic of you being the 'strong one'. So they take, as that is the modus operandi. It's not great of them, but you also need to take some responsibility as how often do you sit back and let others be the strong one? One to think about.

The trick now is to surround yourself with people who do do things for you. Who make you laugh, make you dinner/a cup of tea, who get tickets to an event that they know you will love. People who are able to be strong for you. We have those people around us, lean on them, tell them you're low and you need their support. I did and I was amazed at how much my small inner circle stepped up and it was the smallest of things that made the difference. This also includes your children. It does your children no favours to see you always as the strong capable one. For them to flex their empathy / compassion muscles, they have to think 'what does mum need'.

I promise you, the old magda is in there and she will come back. I am a completely different person to the one 4-5 months ago. It's not been easy, but it's been very worthwhile.

Finally - your DP and his DC? Switch off - I laughed when I read about that list. What a bunch of entitled, spoilt, rude children. Be grateful they are not your children and leave him, his EW and his DC to implode/ figure it out/ or not. They are no longer your concern.

Re the convo with your DP, honestly, I wouldn't go that far re the house. You know why? It's heightened emotional engagement and it won't be a conversation that would go well. He is going to respond one of two ways to a conversation like that.

1. He is going to tell you that you are the problem, why are you being a drama queen, how could you do this to him right now....blah..blah...blah (so the basic defensive deflection to try and guilt you)

2. He is going to beg and plead with you to give him a chance, grovel and promise to change. The reality is he won't as he is too consumed with what he has on his plate.

It will become emotionally charged and I don't think that will help you based on where you are right now.

I would personally calmly tell him that you appreciate that he has a lot on his plate, that his focus needs to be on his situation and you're understanding of that. But in the meantime, you're going to start seeing your friends a little more and book some trips in and just focus on yourself for a while. That's all you give him, remain happy and calm.

The one thing I would say about these men is that they are in high conflict situations with their ex and it very quickly can become their natural dynamic that can bleed into your relationship. My DP and I did this. So what should be a calm, open, loving conversation very quickly can descend into attack, defend and repeat. Because they view it as another attack. It gets you nowhere as you just leave even further emotionally depleted. (apologies if I'm projecting my experience, but i'm sharing on the off chance that it's happening with you too and you perhaps can't see it yet).

Then step back, start taking some you time and see what begins to unfold. In a month to 6 weeks, if you still feel the same way about the house situation, tell him then. You've compromised this long, another 4 to 6 weeks makes no difference does it? Start house hunting by all means....but give yourself (and your DP) some space before making such big life changing decisions.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water just yet. You need fresh bathwater, it needs refilling / topping up, but the baby may well be ok. You/ your DP may make it through this, you may not. Just for now, step back and breath.

You're never alone, we're always here x

I’ll second that. We’re here!

Go Warrior Magda! I agree with what Sassy says about not drawing a line in the sand about the house and the stepping back. Get busy with other things, be less available, pull back naturally. At some point if a house comes up just go and view it. Make it a more natural process.

Am thinking of taking this advice myself. I might join an evening class. Something just for me (I am getting old). I wait for no man!!

The things you can put your foot down about (teens, their demands, ex husbands, their demands) those are the things you CAN put your foot down about - and don’t feet bad about doing it!

Warrior Magda we are right behind you!

Just to clarify the house situation @TooSassy & @LatentPhase. I was lucky enough to have been able to buy exh out of the family home due to an inheritance. In the early days of my divorce this made my life (& the kids lives) a lot easier. However, it's a very large house with a lot of equity tied up in it & high running costs. I always knew I would be downsizing as the kids got older & that I would have to reorganize my finances. The kids have always known this too.
When I first met dp I was already in the headspace to downsize but once we realized that the relationship was serious I (voluntarily) held off. This was me tried to be more open & compromising in a relationship! We initially thought that given time dp's kids would spend time and settle here - didn't work out. We then looked at buying a house together but that also didn't work out. So, for the last 12 months or so I've been in limbo with all this as dp's last suggestion was that he & I buy a (small) house together but that he maintain the home he has in the town where his kids live & keeps traveling there to see them. All fine, but then things with the exw got really bad & now he's looking into possible boarding schools for the boys & doesn't know where that might be, or, reducing work significantly in order to spend more week time with them - this will mean him being in their town more & will also mean he can't go in on a house with me.
All of the above I get as he's at crisis point with the whole situation but it leaves me nowhere with regards to my own living arrangements. I've already said no to two private buyers for my house & now have a 3rd interested. I don't want to say no again as with dp being so reactionary to his own situation & the whole thing being such a mess I could be endlessly waiting which is what I've already been doing!
I have uni for my second child coming up next year and really need money for that (selling was always my plan for this) & I don't think I should refuse this good offer just because dp is still all over the shop.
He tells me to do what I think is best, but yes I can see that if I plough on he may see in as conflict/attack (as he's possibly being passive aggressive) but that really is his problem - if he can't see that his situation has been directly impacting on my decisions regarding my own kids.
Thinking on all that you guys have said though & will give it even more thought.

Ah I see, Magda that all makes more sense, I would look to carry on with Plan A. And would just tell him. Must be frustrating to put stuff on hold when you’ve your own kids to think about. Understandable that you had did though - it’s all about compromise isn’t it. It’s what you do.

It sounds as though he has taken a few steps backwards with his situation (led by this his dc) so it’s natural/undrstandable that you would do the same.

Boarding school seems dramatic? I wonder what’s behind that. Will cost a small fortune surely? Anyhoo...

I hope you get a good price for your house and feel like your life is moving again in 2019 and you are making provisions for your dc as you originally planned. Go you! and

Thanks @LatentPhase .
Re the boarding school, he's been advised (therapist, solicitor) that the boys are too old for a custody change but that asking them to live with dp instead of dm could be very hard on them emotionally as their relationship with their dm seems to be very codependent but emotionally abusive. Both 'professionals' have suggested boarding school as a neutral environment/compromise.
Tbh I'm staying out of it as I'm not convinced either way that any of the real issues will get tackled & of course dp will have to foot the cost of it all. In fairness to him he asked exw for a family meeting to discuss stuff but got the usual eff off reply .

Wow there is something so resonant in all of your posts for me, it feels like reading my own story but better told. It makes me feel a bit emotional reading about your lives - especially Magda toosassy and latent. Although I lived with my step kids and had a baby, so on the face of it I’ve a very different experience, I’ve identified with you all more than I have done with anyone for a long time. I feel for you all and I get where you are coming from, and how you are coming to your decisions.

And what strikes me most is that you all seem to be strong, capable, unselfish and conscientious of everyone, yet because of this you’ve been overloaded and unsupported in what you need.

I’m picking up my youngest and will get back!

Oh magda it all just sounds horrific. And the fact that specialists ‘suggest’ boarding school as a halfway house is just ridiculous. The costs are exhorbitant and it’s just incomprehensible to me that anyone thinks this is a justifiable halfway house.

In your shoes I agree with you. Plough on, make the decisions, downsize and please pull back from your DP. This financial burden and the headspace he is in leaves absolutely no space for you and your DC. I agree, you’ve compromised long enough. No more.

I’m sorry. Such a sad situation. You will get through this though x

Thanks @TooSassy 
Yes I too think the boarding school thing is odd & I strongly suspect both professionals have themselves either been in, or have children in boarding school. But that's me speculating.
I remember one piece of advice my therapist gave me years ago when exh was being totally flaky post separation & that was: there is only one thing here that you cannot change, & that is he is their father as much as you are their mother. To that end they will always have him in their lives even though you won't & their relationship with him will always be different than the relationship you have to have with him for the next few years, & they will forgive him what you won't (because he is their dad) & they will always strive to see him in a positive light even if you think he's the devil incarnate!
It's always stayed with me & while I really disapproved (& still do) of some of the things he did & said (& I dried a lot of kids tears), I always strove to give the kids the tools to manage their relationship with his dad as he's always going to be in their lives & in truth all they want is to love him & be loved back.
In dp's case his kids are being used to get at him by their dm but he is allowing this by not tackling her on this & not counteracting it with them. They are also clashing dreadfully with her but they are teenage boys so a lot of that is normal, however both they and dp are treating every row like the end of the world. Personally I think dp should be teaching them to stand up to her (in a measured, dignified way) as she is very controlling. They come to dp in tears over something she's done but 3 hot meals later they've forgotten all about it & dp's left stressed and fuming & not knowing what to do. She then will get on the phone saying she can't handle them as they're fighting in the back of the car! - no ability to deal with teenagers at all.
Honestly they both need to go on a parenting course!
Here I am - still venting .
Hope you all have a good day.
& @Bananasinpyjamas11 - right back at the re the strong stuff

I’ve read through now and it is overwhelming the intensity of your DPs battle with his Ex and his kids. The dynamic sounds passionate and angry. It’s as if your DP is on full ‘save his children’ mode, in a panicking and urgent way. Whilst I don’t doubt his Ex is very difficult, that there are real issues, your therapists words about your own Ex are pertinent.

Your DPs children will forgive and love their Mum, and always have a relationship with her. Your DP trying to be their hero is not seeing that the kids might not want to be saved, or a sudden change to boarding. They are going to increasingly be living their own lives as older teenagers, and that’s probably where your DP needs to focus his support. They need a stable Dad, a constant, not hyping up. Their demands at Christmas are revealing, Dad can give them what they want or be punished, Mum can be let off.

I wonder also if part of it is that feeling as a parent of the loss of kids as they grow. My DP was quite blasé about his kids when they were younger, he had found his freedom and was out a lot, dating, then met me. It was when they started pulling away into adulthood that they seemed to have more power. They could decide which parent they saw more, they started to manipulate both parents more. DP was no longer able to just take his kids for granted. He started to pay far more attention to them and not as much to me.

Doesn’t help your relationship one bit. You should not be treated as some background pleasant company for him, his rock in the mess of his fighting, you are his serious partner of 5 years and it’s your future he needs to be fighting for too. You are as important as his kids. He is letting you run through his fingers.

This battle of his can’t carry on at the same level of intensity. It’s bound to come slowly to a less dramatic phase. I’m not surprised you don’t want to wait until he decides to pay more attention to your own relationship.

If you focus on your life and your kids, it’s got to be a good thing. The house move sounds positive. It might be nice to have a simpler life yourself with your daughter, with no outside relationships, for a few years. Could be really nice. You could create a lovely smaller home and have more of an outside life? What would you be doing if you were not with your DP? Maybe do some of that?

It’s never too late to change a bit of the dynamic with DP and your Ex. Or your kids too. It’s fantastic you are strong. Not that many are. It’s great for your family. It takes courage and substance to remain independent and strong after being betrayed and having to be everyone’s prop for so long. It isn’t rewarded. Unfortunately. That’s why it’s such a good trait to have, it is lonely and hard being the one to hold it together. Thank goodness though, it makes the world a better place. Even if it’s mostly unappreciated.

You can step back and let that Ex take some of the load! He’s been freeloading for too long. I wonder if there are concrete things that you could get him to do. Either by asking, by not doing, or by saying you can’t do it all and need him (even if you don’t!). I’d also not be supporting my kids with their Dads relationship anymore. It’s important that they begin to form their own with him, without any smoothing over. Stop any facilitating. I’ve done this and a it’s a huge relief. Wish I’d done it years ago. My Ex went mental at me at the time (no one likes their prop taken away as you say!). And my son also found it hard at first, his amazing Dad wasn’t quite so great, and they had to find their own way, which is now fine but very infrequent.

It does sound as if you and your DP do still have many good things, and a connection. It’s hard though as you are not being supported in your life and have made plans to progress with him, housing, marriage. They are big commitments and compromises to then have to re evaluate. That must feel a bit heartbreaking. You tried and yet he hasn’t sorted his mess basically, his Ex and kids consumed all of it. He just introduced the drama into your relationship instead. I’d find it hard not to be a bit bitter about that, temporarily. And angry.

A new year though and all that and I do very much hope you find some peace, some fun and some good distractions! Taking hold of your own future too is very positive. Good luck. Big hugs!

Very insightful @Bananasinpyjamas11 - you are so right about the saving & what his role should be as opposed to the role he's taking on. He's trying to fix something that cannot be fixed because his ship has sailed (in that the kids are too old & he's divorced from their dm) & it's actually not got anything to do with him - he can't be in his teenage to young adult kids' relationship with their mother. No one can. All he can do is support & advise.
I've actually screenshot some of your post (& bits of the other ladies' posts too) to keep with me in case I waver!!!