Anyone else just worn out?

[Magda72]

Really just need a vent. I just feel so worn out by both sets of teens & exes at the moment. Honestly I sometimes think that all dp & I do is run around after both sets of kids while both exes just do what they want. The annual Christmas negotiations with my ex re the kids have kicked off with him wanting to change arrangements again which obviously then impacts on dp & dp's ex who also wants to change arrangements this year - for no reason that seems necessary. My exh is having a bad time at work & as per his track record has started drinking regularly (again) which involves him always wanting to go out/go to gigs etc. & so he starts trying to change or cancel access. I know the kids are teens but it's still a total pain. Meanwhile dp's ex is just being her usual difficult self 🙄 - new drama every week.
All the kids are fine & are just being slightly selfish teens - normally I'm fine to deal with teen stuff but I just feel depleted by their wants at the moment.
I'm rambling and ranting - sorry - maybe it's just the onset of silly season has me fed up or maybe I've just hit my mid 40's mid life crisis 😂.

I can't remember how old they are but isn't it time they start doing what they want? I longed stopped discussing with my ex about contact. When my kids became old enough to be home alone in the evenings around 13, I didn't care a y longer if they were here or with their dad. Overnight are rare and planned in advance so not an issue. It became their responsibility to discuss with their dad what they wanted to do to fit around their plans, activities etc... They became responsible for their own schedule. Xmas was no different, and I reached the point that I didn't really cared in they were here in the morning, afternoon, day before or day after. It does help that we don't need to travel to go and see family so oh and I made our plans and they joined or not.

It's been so much less stressful that way and more importantly has taught them to organise themselves, plan their weekend, check buses/train times etc... Even at 13 they were more capable to organise their time than their dad so it was much easier dealing with them anyway.

Hi @swingofthings - you're entirely right & tbh that's how I tend to handle things. However when exh goes through these phases of what I call his white collar drinking meltdowns he won't leave well enough alone re the kids & starts guilting them if they don't row in with his (change of) plans. My son (17) handles it well enough but my dd (12) tends to feel sorry for him & acquiesces even if she doesn't want to. They are not witness to the drinking as he does it outside of the house so they just get confused as to why he cancels weekends on them or tries to change plans last minute. If they argue with him he sulks like a toddler & plays the victim card! 🙄
Most of the time he & I rub along ok but when he goes through these phases he makes life very difficult for everyone.
I'm just finding it particularly exhausting this time round for some reason.

I think it’s the mental load of it all. It does sound exhausting! Can you get firmer with your ex?
Plan a weekend getaway to look forward to in January?
Are you guys still getting married?
You have my sympathies OP.

magda

For some reason stuff has also hit me hard recently. I think it’s probably just a combo of weather turning, dark nights and mornings. Christmas itself. Throw in unstable exes and teens and it’s just overload potential.

Be kind to yourself. Try and get some extra sleep in. Hydrate. Fresh air, whatever works to make you happier.

I had a long cry over this weekend over just how complicated my life is. I didn’t sign up for being divorced and shuttling kids back and forth and then having a DP who has his own challenges with his ex over his DC. I mean I just sat on my sofa and cried over what feels like such a hard life.

Then I pulled my head out of my proverbial. Realised I have much to be grateful for- my health. My DC’s health. You get the list right?

But. For me it helped to take that moment and feel sad and overwhelmed and, for just a moment, want my old simple life back. Then I remembered that my marriage wasn’t great and for all I have going on now, I am still very lucky.

Does any of that resonate with you? I hope it does, I shared in hope that it may help x

I do see this time and time again. It’s like the less selfish parent after the split still has to carry the whole load, whilst the Ex carries on being really self centred. Because they can rely on you to be like a rock to your kids. To be their consistent person. The one who doesn’t just chuck them at their Dads at short notice, or change things around, to drink or go to gigs. It’s really not fair at all on the sheer weight of it all.

Christmas seems to bring it into focus too, more drama, more selfishness. And because you seem like a good person, a decent parent @magda you don’t act up yourself for the sake of your kids. Thank goodness they have you.

However you are then worn thin. Your DPs Ex sounds like a total vampire sucking all the energy out of you both, so your DP is also completely worn out.

I think the kids get more needy, yours sound like they might be, in reaction to confusing and rejecting behaviour (which it is) from their Dad. My son has been like this at times, and Christmas is an emotionally sensitive time. His Dad will often cancel or change, and my son isn’t yet ready to see how crap this is, as it will mean admitting his Dad is often too wrapped up in himself to prioritize his son. So he appeases him, and used to get ratty with me too. Now he’s started to realize I think, and treats me with a lot more kindness. I think they start to see us, the parent who didn’t chop and change, and appreciate us. Eventually!

So as far as you, in whatever way, be selfish! It won’t solve everything but it helps. I’m filling every weekend with nice relaxing Christmas style things for me and my kids. Sod everyone else!

@toosassy too. I completely get the just sitting down and crying. I honestly think the mental health of SMs, new partners to really difficult step family dramas, can be totally battered. Not surprised really that you get temporarily overwhelmed. It’s a bit traumatic.

Hugs to all you fellow SM’s
Just to say you can survive!
After all sorts of shit from my DSD in her teens and 20’s I totally disengaged.
Now she is older we have a reasonable relationship.
Social media helps ., we have a lot of stress free correspondence on FB and messenger.
She did finally admit to DH that she had lied ( a lot )about what I was supposed to have said and done. Too late but it did help us to get on as adults.

Solidarity from me, this RP/NRP stepmum life can be absolutely exhausting, and sometimes brutal.

Wow some of these response have totally resonated with me and I think I needed to read them this morning so thank you. @toosassy you have put into words exactly how I have been feeling this last week or so. My marriage was awful, I was utterly miserable for a lot of years, I was essentially a single parent even though I was married and I absolutely did not want my kids to grow up thinking that sort of relationship was "the norm" but even so I still get times when I am full of guilt and self doubt about the shuttling back and forth and the general complications of life in general now.

Like virtually everyone on here, I had no idea just how difficult blending families would be and it is never a situation that you plan and picture yourself being in, and that in itself is sometimes so overwhelming.

grow. up.

Hi @TooSassy, @Bananasinpyjamas11 & everyone else. Thank you sooo much for your responses & kind, wise words which I'm only seeing now. I came offline for a bit after my post as dp's ex kicked off spectacularly the next evening & we've now had weeks of drama from her & from his kids who've been crying and phoning dp non stop when he's not with them over stuff she's done! Meanwhile my exh has wrangled himself out of his last two access weekends as he's had "stuff" on. He's also chucked in his job & taken one with a longer commute & less pay - go figure.
It's been a really stressful few weeks & neither dp nor I have been sleeping well. I'm sat here this morning like you @TooSassy, crying out of sheer frustration & wondering how on earth my life has gotten to a point where it's being dictated by everyone bar me? Dp's ex was not this bad when we first met so how on earth were he or I to know that this would be the road she'd chose to go down. According to his eldest she hit him this weekend, locked the 15 year old in his room two weeks ago & the youngest is begging dp to move back in with them! Dp is obviously back with solicitors but both he & the kids are a mess. It's an appalling situation & between that & my own ex in one of his phases I'm not sure how dp & I can weather this - there's not enough of either of us to go around. And yes I just feel so hard done by sometimes - I didn't ask for any of this - I married & had kids in good faith meaning til death do us part, not til you decide you need to have multiple affairs in order to validate yourself!!
I also got with dp in good faith not imagining that his exw would turn as mean & vindictive as she has.
We were due to marry in November but called it off as we just weren't in the right headspace. Weddings are supposed to be happy & we most definitely are not happy. He & I are wonderful on the few days we have alone together but the externals of our situation are crap.
Massive hugs to all of you who are struggling. I agree that Christmas somehow makes it harder as we're constantly being sold this image of happy families. I have a wonderful happy unit with my kids & honestly think that's as good as I'm going to get. I truly love dp & want to support him but right now I don't have it in me.

Sorry - no clue why so much of that's in bold!

grow. up.

Bore. Off.

Oh @Magda72 it sounds horrendous. Just horrendous. To be pulled in opposite directions by this crap. No words of advice at all but I absolutely hope you and dp can weather this.

Oh magda .

All I can say in consolation is that this too shall pass. Nothing is forever. It sounds like a hideous situation and I can imagine that the stress is very overwhelming.

I’m glad to hear that you delayed the wedding. As hard as it is to maybe read that, I think you’ve done the right thing for you and your DC.

My advice is take a deep breath. Sleep. Read books. See friends. Whatever it takes to get your head out of your situation. If you are anything like me your brain will be racing and quite simply, you need to let it stop. You cannot control your ex. You can’t control your DP’s ex. All you can control is you, your emotions and your thoughts.

Try and find some positives. That’s what I did. And I have many. Take the pressure off, what things can be deprioritised? If your DP is stressed, is he offloading everything onto you? If he is, tell him to stop. Because he’s inadvertently breaking you with his stress.

There are coping techniques you can put in place to help yourself right now. Start putting what you need first for a while, your DP (in the nicest possible way) is a grown man who can handle his business for a while.

Big hugs . I really feel for you. I’ve been where you are at now, and it’s horrible. It’s doubly so because you are not being a drama queen, (like your DPs Ex) or neglecting your kids (your Ex) - so they have the benefit of getting their own needs met, whilst you are left with the fall out.

It isn’t fair. What is so heart wrenching for me reading your posts is that you and DP are trying to keep going, and build something positive for the future. That’s not easy when you’ve been cheated on and lied to, to have your own marriage ripped apart, like you have, to then pick yourself up and start again. You could have become bitter and use your kids, but you haven’t. Yet it is almost impossible for you and your DO with all the attention being drawn back to the dysfunctional exes and the impact it has on both your families. There’s no space to move on. It’s just so unfair, it’s like you both are less selfish and instead of being rewarded for that you are punished.

So sorry you’ve had to delay your plans to marry.

Part of me wants to urge you not to give up! To grit your teeth and get through it. The boys will grow up. Your DPs Ex especially cannot win and stop your relationship from flourishing. The other part of me knows it’s not always that simple. You only know how much you can take.

I guess salvaging what you can of Christmas and doing something really nice with your DP? Mini holiday? Can his parents have his kids for a couple of days? Something to remind yourselves of why you got together in the first place, and what life without drama can be like.

I totally get the being blindsided too. I thought my DPs Ex seemed fine. DP never said a bad word about her. I thought my DSCs were very nice and everything was on a sensible timeframe - textbook step parenting! It doesn’t factor in underlying dysfunction. My DP got manipulated too and I was well and truly scapegoated, which ruined how I feel about DP tbh. It doesn’t sound like that’s happened with you both, it sounds like he totally respects you, which is good.

The hitting and locking the kids is really worrying. I wonder if families can help? Going formally to courts?

PositivelyPERF 😂😂😂
Natty44 do you want some cream for that burn Hun?

for you OP. It's not easy.

As usual you have all hit the nail on the head, exactly . Wise women!
After a very rough few weeks I am 99% sure I'm going to end my relationship in the New Year. It's a hard one to explain but I just feel I cannot get through to dp about anything. He's reacting to everything his ex does without taking a breath & he has no joy left in him or space for me/our relationship at all. All he does is talk about the situation between his ex & his kids & will take advice from no one - not me, not his counsellor, not other family members. This doesn't feel like a rough patch. It feels to me like this is his normal (it's like the 17 years of his previous relationship), & that the few happy years with me were a little holiday that he's now back from.
We've gone from almost getting married to now having him gone every weekend (he's not around much during the weeks anyway) as he doesn't want us all to share a house as he doesn't think one of his kids will like it. His plan is to get the kids into boarding school & then to have them every weekend in a different town to me unless they specifically ask to see their mum. This I get but he's not even open to discussion but still expects us to stay together! I asked him how he sees this working and he said he'll try to see me during the week!?!
I'm self employed and work part of every second weekend. I can't travel to stay with him the weekends I have my kids as he doesn't want us all in the one house. And the weekends I don't have the kids I teach extra fitness classes.
I honestly feel like an alien has taken over my dp & cannot fathom where his brain is at.
I'm just going to get through Christmas without disrupting everyone & take it from there.
Thank you all for your kind words.
X

Oh Magda that’s the saddest news. You’ve been my beacon of hope for ages on this forum (have namechanged a few times).

Guess you’ve had some extra space to reflect on all this. Does your DP know where you’re at? Or are you just garnering strength?

Please please take good care of yourself. Hopefully you have wonderful friends who will look after you.

Sorry Magda. I feel you. Sometimes is just too much. I had a big day planned for do and I as I managed to pass some tough exams adding I don't sleep and the kids was really looking forward to it as I worked hard. Had told my partner to remind her ex to pick his son as is her day. Got to Thursday and that ** woman didn't turn up AGAIN. Since summer she has only picked him up one Thursday. And had him only the times my partner has dropped and picked him up (5).... I just got so fed up he is working every night til Monday and it was the only day for us 2. But yet her ex can request to have the kids out of her home as she wishes.... Why some people are so lazy? Can't understand... I couldn't do that to my children. Sorry I am not helpful, this is hard work

Sorry pressed post too quickly. I was gonna say that you need to sit down with him and put the things clear. If you were going to marry you must have seen something on each other. You need to try one more time to fight together again the issues you have. See how you can make things work realistically if you both can compromise something. Xxx hope everything goes well

Magda, let me say a few things.

1. whatever you decide, life will be good, you will move past this. I know it will hurt and you will miss him, but you will rise above this and know happiness again.
2. if you swing like a pendulum on this and swing from ‘it needs to end’ to ‘it needs another chance’, let it. There is absolutely zero pressure on you to make a decision
3. who called off the wedding? You? If so, the behaviour you are seeing could be a tantrum/ attempt to ‘punish’ you (I say that with very little knowledge but there are things you are saying that are a slight red flag to me).
4. Let him make his plans and his decisions and take a huge step back. If he says I want to do xyz, shrug and say that’s great, if that’s what’s important to you, go ahead. Don’t resist or engage. As an example my DP went through a phase of saying he was going to relocate to where his Ew lives. I went from worrying about what that meant for us to removing myself from that ‘one home’ for us and telling him I supported whatever decision he made. Within weeks, he was asking me how that would work and I said that was his problem not mine and he needed to be prepared to live there FT and he would see me when it suited me. I wouldn’t become the convenient place to stay when he didn’t want to be in the arse end of nowhere. I also added that if it meant we didn’t make it, that was ok too but it was the right thing for him to put his DC first. I saw a very big change in his behaviour which remains a cause for concern.
5. is the person you are seeing now the real him? I hate to say it, but, is there a chance that he had maintained a facade in order to ‘secure’ you?

I’m playing devils advocate and being deliberately provocative in my post but I’m trying to reframe this for you. Let him do what he wants to do. And you take all the time to figure out whether you are prepared To put up with it. Any man who wanted to be with you no matter what would move heaven and earth to do so. Let him live wherever. Do what works for him. Step back and take you time. X

Toosassy has put it better than I could.

I think I wanted it to work out for you Magda so I’m sad. You just come across as a sound minded, fair woman who is worthy of a good man’s love. You’ve given me good advice.

Just before Christmas is such a poignant time.

Your DP and his Ex sound like they have gone full out war. Where the stakes are higher and now your DP seems to want to win so much he will pay for boarding and then keep his house completely clear of anything that might slightly upset his kids (ie being in a relationship) as he wants to have them all the time.

He’s reacting. This will probably not happen for him. This will probably not turn out the way he hopes. My DP had his house as the do anything you like house to attract his kids for the same reason. To be the favoured parent. What a disaster.

Doesn’t help your relationship in the meantime. I only hope once he knows you’ve checked out he will come to his senses. Or find another guy who doesn’t come with so much drama.

You know that you are steering your own path which you’ve protected so far. So good for you. Your kids and your life isn’t crazy and full of grief. Your future will be stronger and happier for it.

Hi guys - just on today & hoping you all survived Christmas .
I got through just about but I'll be honest and say that increasingly it's becoming one of my least favorite times of the year.
Dp is really struggling with his situation at the moment so I'm readying myself to have "the talk" with him. It's not a good time but it never will be so here goes!
Hope everyone else doing ok.

Oh good luck @ Magda72 it’s good to see you back on here. Hope you had at least some rest. I hear you with the emotional strife that Christmas evokes. Shall we run away and hide for the next one?

All ok here. New Year’s resolution is to make like Elsa and ‘let it go’ re DP and his dd and their dysfunction. We had a great time together this Christmas though. Small successes are not small and need to be celebrated! So I feel it’s been good.

Do you have a plan of what to say? Anyway.... Good luck, Magda come back and let us know how it went.

to everyone else.

magda lovely to hear back from you.

Can I ask, what about the holidays has made it your least favourite time of year? Did you manage to get any ‘you’ time or any time away from the drama? It makes me sad to think that what should be a lovely time of year has become this for you.

Whatever decision you make and however it goes, we are here to support you.