Should I stay or should I go ?

[Curlyheadedcutie]

Hi there,
I've been with my partner for just over a year. It's been a tough relationship as he's recently divorced and his bitch ex is constantly getting involved.
Anyways, I'm 10 weeks pregnant and I'm not sure if it is the hormones or I've just had a realisation, but I don't think I can do this anymore.
He has two kids whom I've only just really started meeting.
Their mum doesn't like me I'm thinking cause I'm with my partner so now she's made the kids be weird around me, they won't sit in the same room as me or even talk to me. I do everything I can for them, I've decorated their rooms, by them sweets when they come round and even leave them for a few hours to spend time with their dad, but still no joy.
It's just really awkward as I live with my partner and I can't really avoid them, so I just end up sitting upstairs when they come round.
His ex is constantly getting involved,making comments about our relationship and recently getting people to message me asking me stupid questions, and he does nothing about it .I recently had a miscarriage which the doctor thought was a number of things but mainly stress.
I'm not even allowed to share the news that I'm pregnant in case she finds out and she gets the 'hump'.
I'm so close to walking but he's perfect when he's not got them.

What a sad start to your pregnancy op. I feel for you, however this is how I see it - until your dp stands up to his ex she will always win.

Explain to him how you feel and if things don't improve, I'd go. Sod her and her attitude. Look after yourself.

he's perfect when he's not got them.

I'm so sorry @Curlyheadedcutie , but I am sure that you know really that the him that doesn't have kids, doesn't really exist at the moment.

He's perfect cause that's when she finally leaves him alone, it's about 3-4 days we don't hear anything from her. Then she starts the constant ringing and texting.
He won't stand up to her, he never has, even his parents have said the same.
I'm getting constant abusive messages from people that she's getting to add me, even from her new boyfriend. It's sad an I can't say anything to her cause she keeps threatening to stop him from seeing his kids.

even leave them for a few hours to spend time with their dad,

You're living with their dad after just over a year. Please understand that what you say above is what should be happening. It's not some above and beyond measure.

@bumbother
He's living in My house can I just add ?
I have younger siblings I look after on week ends and I see my friends on some of the days he has his kids.
So me having to leave my own house while he sits in it with his kids is not what I was expecting at all, especially now that I am pregnant

Well he shouldn't have moved in so soon, especially considering you barely know his kids.

Neither of the parents are acting in the best interests of their children.

@bumbother
I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say.
Me and his kids were fine, it's only been recently that they've started being off with me since I think she found out that I'm pregnant.
I used to look after his kids while he went the gym or he went out, we had movie nights etc but it's just gotten weird lately.
We were waiting to tell the kids ourselves as me and his ex don't get on, not from anything I've done, but I think she's just jealous

But you also said He has two kids whom I've only just really started meeting?

And why would you "walk"'or "go" if he's living in your house, but you've decorated "their"'rooms?

Some things don't add up, so no, I don't understand.

What age are his kids?

I understand you're sensitive- but look at it from the outside. After less than a year/ you're living together. You are pregnant for the second time (I'm very sorry you lost your first pregnancy) the kids have never really met you- and now you're providing a new ai king for them. So not juts dads (quite) new girlfriend, but also dads pregnant girlfriend. They don't know you. Trying to play happy families when they do t have any idea who you are, and in your house. Would be difficult. They don't stay over at the moment? You don't need to hide in your own home, but equally they need time to get to know you- not juts suddenly you're there and always there. You said you decorated rooms for them- rooms they'll lose with the baby? And when already unsettled as they don't know you or the environment, you wonder why they are further unsettled when there are kids and adults they don't k is around the whole time too? Their father needs to take them out and spend time, and be introducing you and your extended family slower.

Fellow stepmum here.
The most important thing for you at the moment is your health and that of your baby. Tell your OH how you feel.
With regards to the ex - she’s not relevant to you. You don’t need her to like you. You don’t need to be friendly with her. Let him deal with any and all contact. If she messages you or gets other people to message you - block them. Any abuse - report it to the Police. Be ruthless. With my DH’s ex, they now only contact each other via email to make childcare arrangements and CC a family member into the email. It’s because she was so unreasonable and abusive by phone that DH had to resort to this measure.
With regards to the kids - it is probably still a tough time for them however you should not be shutting yourself away when they come over - it gives them the wrong message. It’s your home and however young they are they need to respect that. Start as you mean to go on. Don’t worry about making them like you - be consistent and treat them fairly and that will come. Read the book “stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin.

I've got a 4 bed house so they will keep their rooms. We only moved into together when I found out I was pregnant the first time cause I was 12 months, then I lost the baby and we planned to have another.

@Autumnfairy82
I knew it would be difficult for them, I did tell him that before he moved in with me but like i said I do give them space to be with their dad, I've decorated their rooms, which he wouldn't do. I do try and spend some time with them but it's just so awkward at the moment and I don't want them to feel the same and not want to see their dad cause of me.
Like I said we were fine a few months ago, his little girl would ask for me and we would go for walks round the park just me and her or she would come with me to visit my family, but her mum has just given her a phone an she rings her about 3-4 times a day when we have them and she asks questions about me which a kid wouldn't ask.

I think I have to agree with a previous poster, concentrate on your pregnancy and yourself for the moment, for you that’s your main priority.

If his ex tries to contact you or get other people to contact you and send abusive things to you then block them and keep a record of it so you can report it to the police if need be.

Regarding your step children, I would say try to shower them with kindness, if their mum is saying things about you then rise above it, it’s hard when pregnant I know from experience. So for example if your step daughter says something like “mummy says you’re horrible!” Just reply with “that’s a shame your mummy feels that way, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about you DsD, I think you’re awesome!”

That way your step daughter does not see you rising to it and getting annoyed and then reporting that back to her mum and it also shows that whatever ill feelings there are with the adults the kids are made to feel special and not be roped into a slanging match between parents, it also shows that you are more mature by rising above it!

Obviously once the kids are back at their mums you can talk to their father about it and vent but I would also consider that his ex has no real way to hurt you other than what she is doing, it’s petty behaviour and when people like his ex act in such a way, it’s usually down to the green eyed monster, and that’s just sad that she has nothing better to do than to do that and potentially upset her children by doing it too!

I would advise to keep that in mind and rise above it! It’s bloody hard! I know and it’s easy to fly off the handle especially when you’re pregnant and someone is winding you up.

Good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy xx

I recently had a miscarriage which the doctor thought was anumber of things but mainly stress
Any doctor that says that to you isn't worth visiting. I know it fits your narrative better but it is highly highly improbable that ''mainly stress' caused a m/c

Going by your timeline, you decided to have a baby together about 5 mins into the relationship. Way before you even met the children. He doesn't sound like much of a father tbh.
Not sure why you've gone from 'only just started meeting' the children to his dd asking for you months ago. Weird.
Anyway, hope it all works out in the best way possible for those who really matter....the children

^ I agree. No doctor should be saying you miscarried due to stress. That is absurd.
Also this timeline seems insanely quick. You barely know each other, let alone his kids. It seems crazy to plan a pregnancy so early. His kids might just be struggling because their dad is being impulsive and now having more kids with someone they barely know. Their attitude change might have nothing to do with their mom.

OP, you are where you are and need to cope with it, ut the problem is not his poor two kids who've have to cope with so much upheaval in their lives, or the ex who is thinking of the kids and angry that their father couldn't concentrate on providing them stability but instead thought it a great idea to have another child with someone he was even living with at the time and who hardly knew her kids.

Doing everything so fast was only going to go pear shape. You now realise that there is so much to getting with a man with children then you first perceived. Don't expect everyone else to adapt to your and your OH decision to speed everything. If you want things to work, you're going to have to do everything you would normally have had more time to do whilst also becoming a mum yourself. Not impossible but certainly more work for you but also your OH.

In my opinion we didn't move fast, but everyone is clearly open to their own opinion.
Regarding my miscarriage, stress was a main factor in it, I was being sick, not being able to keep liquids and food down, so it got to the point where I wouldn't eat and barely drank, I had extremely high blood pressure. So again there's no need for you to comment on the reasons that I lost my baby, when that was not the point I was making.
As I've repeatedly said, it's only been recently that the children have been being funny with me. Neither his ex or his children know that I am pregnant, so that can't be the reason why. His ex does not like the fact that he has moved on and as I've already said continues to call and message him with things that do not regard the children.
If you believe we have moved fast than fair enough that is your opinion, I knew him a while before I got into a relationship with him.
He was living at friends houses and at his parents after he split with his ex, so his kids never really had anywhere to call home.
I welcomed them into my home, decorated their rooms and filled them before they arrived and they were made up.
He is a good dad, his ex and anyone you ask agrees. Yeah he's probably made some mistakes but he is a good dad.
His ex doesn't like the fact that she now can't ring him and request stupid things from him, like to come fill her tyres up at 10pm or bring her things because I simply won't have it. So now she's spat her dummy out, and rings her children when they are here and tells them not to talk to me.
Anyway, thank you for your comments, some have been ALOT more useful than others.
Thanks

You've only been with him a year and you're already pregnant? What on earth possessed you to move so quickly with a man who already ahs children?

His chidren will be mourning the loss of their father, his ex is clearing mourning the loss of her marriage and husband. You may not like to hear this, but it's true. Your partner needs to step up and focus on the dc he already has - the kids you say you';ve only just started meeting.

What a mess.

Your partner also needs to tell his ex to back off and leave him and you alone.

@DragonFire99
What a mess?
Are you serious ?
His ex was cheating on him that's why they got divorced, she's now engaged to the same man, whom lives with them.
Please don't comment if your going to be rude and give invalid points

Well, you can't tell people to comment or not on posts on a public forum!

Regardless of his ex's behaviour, it is a mess. Lots of other posters have said the same.

Why is her current prtner letting her ring your dh so much? That seems weird. if she's happy with him, why is she acting the way she is?

I don't think I was ride. You took on a newly divorced man with dc and don;t seem to have thought much about what that would entail. Are you very young?

It is a mess OP.

He hasn't cut ties with his ex (and won't) but you're having a baby with him. You know how angry you are that you're not his priority? When he's prioritising the older kids over the baby you'll feel far more anger. When you are at home alone with the baby (as they are your first) and he's doing stuff with the older ones, you'll feel anger.

Why wouldn't he decorate their rooms?

Even if you were both childless, having a baby after a year is super fast. Being pregnant before meeting the kids is insanely fast too. (You mention just starting to meet them) Normally couples plan pregnancies once they are meshed as a family unit and boundaries with the ex are put into place.

I didn't think I could have kids before I even had the miscarriage, I was due that due to conditions if I wanted to get pregnant I would have to ask for help as I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. So after I lost the baby at 12 weeks, after buying stuff and telling people, we planned to try again and if not joy we would give up.
My partner is mid thirties and I'm in my 20s.
I'm not angry that I'm not his main priority, I've got many siblings and I know children should always come first, that isn't my issue.
Like I said I'm I've finished with commenting on this now. After the advice I've been given I know what to do.
Thanks again

Every time a poster is told they moved in too quickly or are having a baby too soon.... it turns out that they've known each other longer and it's the Ex who cheated. Coincidence? Maybe or maybe not.

If after what she's done he is unable to stand up to her..
then I'd walk away.

Bringing a child into the mix...when he's just divorced...and his kids are still adjusting was/is unwise.

You were single Mid 20s
With a 4 bedroom house

Why would you saddle yourself with a man with this baggage...when you could have your pick of men.

If you're in the UK
.. I don't know any more 20s single woman with a 4 bed house.

I'm not entirely sure we're getting the whole story here.

She's engaged and lives with the man she cheated on your DP with, but it's only because you won't have it that she no longer phones your DP to pump up her tyres?! But then you also says he's her new boyfriend? But he's been in a relationship with her for longer than you and your DP, who haven't rushed things even you though you're on your second pregnancy and have only recently started meeting his children.

Those poor kids.

Should read

I don't know any mid 20s single women with a 4 bed house.