DH and DD

[FinnishFarm]

Apologies that this is long.

For background.
DH has 2 DCs from his first marriage and I have DD, she's nearly 20.
All of them are 18+

My ExH, DD's father was sexually, emotionally, financially and violently abusive. We split when DD was 4.

ExH and I divorced quickly and he had married someone else within a year of us splitting.
His 2nd wife is a kind woman, a great Mum and step Mum to my DD.
Unfortunately ExH split from her after 3 years.

Then ExH moved a large distance away and simply stopped seeing DD.
DD was only 8 she felt, and still does feel, completely rejected by him. Despite my best attempts it has affected her confidence. She presents a brave front but she has always felt devastated at his rejection, even though she remembers some of his awful behaviour.

Me and DD became a tight team, we are still very close, we are also very alike.
I met my DH 6 years ago when DD was in her mid teens, they were always happy in each other's company and she gets on well with his DCs. They all have good relationships independently of us and visit each other.

Now to today.
DD recently moved out but not far, she still has a room at our house, as does DHs youngest DC who has also recently moved away the eldest could have their room back too but they've bought a house so there's no need for this

DD and I haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks so she's coming back to stay for the weekend.
Since I told DH she would be coming he's coming he has uncharacteristically been making snippy comments about her 'not properly flying the nest' she's 19 ffs! and sighing when I've suggested getting a takeaway tonight, watching the new series of Narcos together he likes Narcos! and other small things besides.

DH is exhausted, he's a a tough month at work and I understand he wants a quiet weekend but I'm not rolling out a red carpet for her! DD will be having a quiet weekend too.

I know that DH is enjoying having time to ourselves now that all the DCs have gone.

During the time I've known them I've made a big effort with his DCs, I genuinely love them and they message me independently of DH to chat. If either of them wanted to stay for the weekend I'd welcome them with open arms.

I'm disappointed and frustrated that DH is being like this, he's always had a good relationship with DD and whilst he came into her life too late to be a Dad he's a proper Father figure to her in the absence of any other.

Last night I was so frustrated at his comments and attitude that I didn't say anything because I would have snapped.

All you can do is ask him why he's being like this.

He's tired and looked forward to peace and quiet. Hell probably be fine tomorrow. Don't jump to conclusions just because he is a bit grumpy.

Yes, I know really Chasingsquirrels but she's due here any minute and he's tired after work and I don't want to start an atmosphere off before she gets here.

You need to make it clear to him that it's inappropriate for him to be snarky about your DD coming home, when you'd welcome DSC any day of the week. When you're a parent it's just a fact of life (and a positive one at that!) that your children will still view your house as a home that they can return to whenever they need to. I hope he's not in any way snarky or impolite to your DD tonight. If he is I'd be having a very sharp conversation with him.

This 👆🏻

When she gets here I'm sure he'll be lovely with her @AdoraDreams and your post hits the nail on the head, thank you.

Fwiw we do have a couple of things planned for me & DH this weekend, no big deal but things we wanted to get done, DD knows this too. So we will have time for just me & DH this weekend, including a Sunday lie in.

Implicitly I do shore him up emotionally you'd be right if you spotted this is a theme in my world and I wonder whether he was hoping for some time together so I can give him that boost and now he's worried he won't get the time he needs but he will.

I can and will make time for both of them.

Ah, right okay.

What AdoraDreams said then, but do talk to him about how he made you feel after the weekend.

Hope it is all fine.

Maybe you didn't ask and just made arrangements and informed him of what is happening and he is feeling like he has no control over his weekends?

Your DD is an adult now and has moved out...he should agree to any overnight visits

@WhiteCat1704 earlier in the week DD sent a text asking whether we were doing anything this weekend and could she stay.
My conversation with DH went along the lines of DD says can she stay this weekend. He agreed.

This isn't meant to be a drip feed but when I say DD and DSDC2 have left home they are both at Uni, so we do expect them to come back sometimes.

We are likely to see DD more often because DSDC2 has gone to Uni 200 miles away whereas DD is nearby she lived at home and travelled in last year and that DSCs can visit their DM or us but DD only has us.

Btw DD came in, brought me a present then went straight to see DH, they were talking about holidays and whether she wants to come away with us this year the same offer will be extended to his DCs.

We're in a very similar position with DC and DSC in various stages of leaving home or not doing. DSD has gone to uni but it's back lots as she has a BF here. DS also did Alevels in the summer but has decided to stay at home to do an apprenticeship. I'm really enjoying having him still around, but think DH is a bit more mixed about it.

It is tricky I think when you're coping with missing them, worrying about them, and looking forward to more time with your partner and then finding it doesn't materialise when you thought it would. Student aged kids also don't quite behave like ones who live with you that you can at least leave to their own devices some of the time, but they're also not really visitors either in that they'll say they're coming home for the weekend and you plan to spend time with them, then turns out they've got plans with friends most of the time. It's hard to make firm plans.

I have a very close relationship with my DD too, and find it hard not to be oversensitive to anything DH says negatively to her, even though I know rationally that she can be hard work. Sometimes you need to just let them work their own relationship out I think. And your DH is allowed to be a bit grumpy and antisocial on the odd occasion if he's had a busy week. I wouldn't overthink it, better just take it all as it comes and try to enjoy whoever is around when they are.

It was just how he felt at the time, I'm sure he is absolutely fine now. Kids do come home even when they've left and they expect to be welcomed, a fact of life.

You'll have plenty of other weekends to yourself.

Every time I read you posts Whitecat, I realised how totally opposite we are in our views! DD is 19 and has gone to Uni far away! The expectstion was that she wouldn't be back for month. As it is, she is coming back for a week each month at the moment.

Part of my OH was glad that she was going, understandably, but thank god I don't feel that I have to pass it by her and ask if it's OK for to come home. It's still her home and she is free to come back whenever she wants. He would never demand that I discuss it with him first Thank god but because if I had to, which really came down to having to ask his permission, it definitely wouldn't feel like my home either because my kids will always be welcome in my home.

That doesn't mean not respecting what is important to him, so she needs to be quiet, tidy, can't have friends over when we are home etc...

OP, I'm sure everything is fine. We all blurt things in frustration at times we wish we'd kept for ourselves. Sometimes we need to ignore it and don't assume it means anything more than what it was. I hope you have a great weekend with your DD and OH.

It's still her home and she is free to come back whenever she wants

When SD goes to uni next year I will expect to be informed/asked when she wants to visit. This is mine and DHs home, we pay the mortgage on it.
It is not to say that she won't be welcome..far from it, however, we simply need to know in advance and be ok with it. We have plans, travel, have visitors etc. We will be paying a lot of money for SDs accommodation at uni but I wouldn't dream of going to see her without prior arrangement with her...Also our home is not a hotel.
I also expect to be asked when she wants to have friends over- have a young child at home- and SDs choice of friends was questionable in the past..that doesn't mean it's not her home..just that there are more people in the family to consider.

Also I ask my parents if/when I want to visit. It's a matter of respect.

Whitecat You may find your expectation that student DSD shifts instantly from being a child who lives with you to an adult who visits a tad unrealistic. Some come back more than others and it depends in part what kind of accommodation they're in, but overall student years are more of an inbetween state.

They don't really behave like visitors - they come when they choose, not when you invite them. They may sleep at your home but spend all the time out with friends. They're back for up to 3 months at a time in the summer - nothing like visitors. And they may want to come back home at the end of uni. Statistically, most do.

My own mum tried to treat me and my sister like visitors once we were students. It caused a lot of conflict and made me feel quite unwelcome. I think she felt she'd have failed as a parent if we ever moved back - she used to speak badly of others who did this. But we'd both have left home by our early 20s regardless I'm sure. It wasn't necessary to push us out and I'd much rather have decided for myself when and how to leave.

I didn't regard my DC as having left home when they were at university. They still had their bedrooms and came home as and when they wanted to - I never expected them to ask if they could come, it was their home. Even now we've downsized and moved to a coastal town, the DC will always have a home with us if they need it.

@WhiteCat1704 you definitely don't consider your step daughter to have a home with you with that attitude. Going to university is a halfway house and is not a new home by any means.

My mum and step dad were like you and it was very clear their house wasn't my home. It's fucking terrifying feeling at 18 to have to give notice and get permission to go home.

I cant believe any parent would expect their child at uni to ask if they could come back for the weekend ! My son gives me a days notice if that and its a nice surprise, he will work if he can , see all his friends, visit family. He doesnt expect anyone to change any plans for him, your DC should always be made to feel welcome.

To be fair to DD and DH she has made a big thing of 'moving out'. She's doing a sponsored degree and as this is her 2nd year she's renting a place year-round so she can work at the company during the breaks.

As I said she's only about 40 minutes away so although she's moved out she hasn't moved away. This is her 3rd weekend back since the start of the Uni year.

DSC2 who has gone further hasn't been back but she did come back to see her DM who lives 30 miles away and I think DH is disappointed/angry that DSC2 didn't come to see him too.
So I suspect there's an element of sour grapes there on his part but that's not my fault or DDs.

This morning I asked DH about it, he ranted for at least 20 minutes. He was fed up about DD making the house smell of garlic last night, inviting her boyfriend round, going up to bed early and a raft of other minor crimes.
I let him go on. I think he's wrong but I'll pick my moment and think about what to say before I bring it up.

Firefliess
You are probably right and it is a bit unrealistic..She will not have her halls all year so summer holidays and xmas she will be with us. But I will expect to be asked when she wants to come over for a random weekend. For reasons as simple as we might not be at home.

lunar1 my SD lives with us so it is her home. But she is not paying mortgage or for anything really therefore she needs to respect and comply with our rules..one of them being making arrangements in advance- this, of course, doesn't cover emergencies. I don't want her feeling terrified at 18 BUT she is making the decision to move out-she could stay for uni but prefers not to! We will be spending A LOT of money to make it possible for her...surely it's not unreasonable to expect her to respect our space?

pumpkin I'm her step mother not her mother so maybe that's the reason I want notice. It seems common for step parents to have firmer boundaries than birth parents.

@FinnishFarm

With all due respect, your DH sounds awful. Your DD should be able to consider your home as her home too, until she has settled permanently somewhere else. University is a transient time. So what if her boyfriend comes over? What's the big deal about cooking smells? Why shouldn't she have an early night?

I'm glad my DC don't feel unwelcome and in the way when they come home.

No, DH isn't awful EmmaGeddon. If this was normal we wouldn't have been been together 6 days, let alone 6 years.
He's getting on well with DD, she doesn't know there's anything wrong. They've always got on like a house on fire and they're still ok, yesterday and today they've been chatting and laughing.

DH has worked 70+ hour weeks for the past two months, thankfully he's nearly at the end of this so normal service should resume soon. He exhausted and he wanted a quiet weekend doing not much.
I think he's also just got used to having the house and me to himself, which is what happens I suppose when your DCs leave home.

However, I don't want to defend DH when he's been an arse, and he has.

As I said, DD is at Uni so hasn't left home but she'll be there all year round because she's working so has left home. She's not a straightforward example of either. If you asked her DD would tell you she's left home herself.

As I said upthread I will be having very clear words with him but I'm going to think through what to say but I can assure you that say it I will.

DH has worked 70+ hour weeks for the past two months, thankfully he's nearly at the end of this so normal service should resume soon. He exhausted and he wanted a quiet weekend doing not much

And whats wrong with that? Why does your daughters wants trumph his need for rest? If she is an adult and thinks she left home surely you can tell her this weekends doesn't suit but offer an alternative-when you DH has a normal working pattern for example..

I feel very sorry for young people whose step parents make them feel unwelcome in their own homes. It's very important to me that my dd should always feel that she has a home with me and her dad, and that she is welcome any time.

If you're away, then surely dc can just be home alone, so what's the problem?

This thread makes me really sad.
As a student I sometimes had a bad week and at short notice needed to go home. My parents are split up and live in two different places, my mum remarried. If I phoned someone up and said I needed to come home that weekend, I'd go no questions.
Turning 18 doesn't mean no bad weeks and need for parental support. Student halls are not home.