DH and DD

[FinnishFarm]

Apologies that this is long.

For background.
DH has 2 DCs from his first marriage and I have DD, she's nearly 20.
All of them are 18+

My ExH, DD's father was sexually, emotionally, financially and violently abusive. We split when DD was 4.

ExH and I divorced quickly and he had married someone else within a year of us splitting.
His 2nd wife is a kind woman, a great Mum and step Mum to my DD.
Unfortunately ExH split from her after 3 years.

Then ExH moved a large distance away and simply stopped seeing DD.
DD was only 8 she felt, and still does feel, completely rejected by him. Despite my best attempts it has affected her confidence. She presents a brave front but she has always felt devastated at his rejection, even though she remembers some of his awful behaviour.

Me and DD became a tight team, we are still very close, we are also very alike.
I met my DH 6 years ago when DD was in her mid teens, they were always happy in each other's company and she gets on well with his DCs. They all have good relationships independently of us and visit each other.

Now to today.
DD recently moved out but not far, she still has a room at our house, as does DHs youngest DC who has also recently moved away the eldest could have their room back too but they've bought a house so there's no need for this

DD and I haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks so she's coming back to stay for the weekend.
Since I told DH she would be coming he's coming he has uncharacteristically been making snippy comments about her 'not properly flying the nest' she's 19 ffs! and sighing when I've suggested getting a takeaway tonight, watching the new series of Narcos together he likes Narcos! and other small things besides.

DH is exhausted, he's a a tough month at work and I understand he wants a quiet weekend but I'm not rolling out a red carpet for her! DD will be having a quiet weekend too.

I know that DH is enjoying having time to ourselves now that all the DCs have gone.

During the time I've known them I've made a big effort with his DCs, I genuinely love them and they message me independently of DH to chat. If either of them wanted to stay for the weekend I'd welcome them with open arms.

I'm disappointed and frustrated that DH is being like this, he's always had a good relationship with DD and whilst he came into her life too late to be a Dad he's a proper Father figure to her in the absence of any other.

Last night I was so frustrated at his comments and attitude that I didn't say anything because I would have snapped.

It’s quite hard to comment I think without really knowing the whole set up.

I don’t think it’s as clear cut as ‘it’s their home they can come back whenever they like with no notice, and any step parent that complains is evil’
I also don’t think is fair to expect the child not to have a time of transition - where they come back regularly, do consider it their home still.

It just sounds like your DH is grumpy, exhausted, beyond himself with stres and really needed a quiet weekend. You didn’t want to say no to your DD, as you weren’t tired and also she’s your DD. As everything p, compromise. You are both right in a sense, imho.

@WhiteCat1704 my DH is not my sons dad and would never set any boundaries for visits home. We both look forward to him coming back spending time with him and listening to his funny stories.

I have two at uni (mine) and obviously love them coming home but I like a couple of days notice just so I know i’ll Be around to see them; don’t want to waste the opportunity!

They are my kids though. Would I feel the same with dh’s kids? No, although I would never let it show.

Alexa she does stay here when we're away, she looks after the house and the pets.

DD gets a lot of support negomi, we're in touch every day, even if it's just to share a photo of a dog wearing a hat.
She's not in student halls. She's renting a house with her boyfriend, they went to school together he isn't at Uni, he's got a job in the same city he's come back with her to see his parents too.
She did ring up and ask to come home, I checked with DH and he agreed.
Which is fair enough, no young adult wants to make a surprise visit home to find their parents shagging on the kitchen table if only we were.

DD hasn't come home for support as such this weekend, so far we've talked about things like her work and Uni, when to see everyone for Christmas, DH helping her to open a LISA, DSCs, skincare and I've dyed her hair. All important to her and us but none of it overcoming emotional challenges type stuff.

She's come to spend time with us, see her friends and have a weekend at our house.