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Original poster

AIBU- Still reeling...

30 replies

HerondaleDucks · 13/11/2018 20:15

Ok; so to avoid dripfeeding.
My DP and I have residency of his 2 children and mum sees them 1-2 times a month since last Jan.
She recently had a baby and is now in a mother baby unit.
I contacted her social worker as my dsd was asking about seeing her mum and mum was pushing really hard for her to see the new baby. Dsd is very conflicted.
So I contacted the social worker and she called me back this evening for a chat.
I explained about the past and issues with contact etc and said it seemed that there was potential that mum wouldn't keep the baby and how did that affect my dsd with meeting and seeing her.
Social worker was unaware of a lot of the issues between mum and her partner and ourselves which had caused so much trouble.
Anyway the gist of the conversation is that she informed me about the situation with mum and baby and then asked whether myself and my dp would be prepared to care for and potentially adopt this baby as we have two of its siblings in our care.
I was not expecting it at all and with all the issues that have happened this year we had only recently decided to plan for a baby with the support of our social worker in the future. Our social worker is totally on board with this.

Was I unreasonable to say no? My dp also said no when he spoke to her. Will my dsd resent us for that decision and feel that we should have her sibling?
Or am I completely justified. What a crazy evening. I'm still in shock!

OP posts:
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user1468942365 · 13/11/2018 20:17

Goodness. Please don't feel guilty. You are not Bob Geldof! It's an enormous ask. And, no, I don't think it's fair to ask you to put your own plans aside. Flowers

ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/11/2018 20:34

It is an emotional out ask. It is OK to say no. I do think, however, it would be reasonable to sit on it for a few days, chat about it, weight up pros and cons. If then it’s still no, that’s fine. From SS point of view, they are doing what they can to keep siblings together which makes sense. Is there anyone in either your partner’s family or his ex’s family who might be interested in taking the baby?

Original poster
HerondaleDucks · 13/11/2018 20:42

Bob Geldof!... Oh that made me laugh. I definitely didn't tell anyone to give me their **ing children though.

Ohreally- from what the social worker said they are asking into the father's family. Mum's family have been abused by him a lot too and I'm not sure they would be willing at all considering how volatile the pair of them are.
I will think about it, it just feels I don't know... I've made a lot of sacrifices for my dp's children and I do everything I can for them and we have a happy family. Why should I make more sacrifices for a child that's not my partner's. It sounds really selfish I guess. I don't know. But I wanted to maybe have my own child one day. Plus what would happen if mum kept having children would we be expected to offer all them a home?

OP posts:
AliceRR · 13/11/2018 20:46

OP it is not selfish of you at all. It’s not your child so if you don’t want to do take on this child then don’t. By all means think about it but your instinctive response was to say no so I think that’s your answer.

It’s hard enough being a step parent without taking on another child that isn’t related to either of you.

RolandDeschainsGilly · 13/11/2018 20:51

Odds are OP she will continue to have babies that are removed.

My friend has residency of his 2 DSs and ex had another baby last year who was removed (and she was charged with neglect and abuse of a newborn, got away with a slap on the wrist despite it being the third one, but that’s a different thread) and he said no when he was asked if he’d have ex’s new baby. Baby has now been adopted (is nearly 2) and surprise surprise she’s pregnant again.

It’s a massive ask. I would say no too. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
HerondaleDucks · 13/11/2018 20:58

Ok this makes me feel little better.

If I may ask rolanddeschainsgilly does your friends ds's have contact with the adopted children or is that it? This is where I feel so conflicted I guess.

OP posts:
Blinkingblimey · 13/11/2018 21:05

A friend of mine adopted in the last few years and yes, they have contact with the other sibling who was adopted by another family - if the baby is adopted I would expect that similarly SS will facilitate contact for your step children. Hopefully an actual social worker will be along shortly to clarify!

PrincessWire · 13/11/2018 21:05

I honestly think that you'd have to be a saint to do this. It's all very noble and wonderful etc but it's also something that I should think very very few people would actually do.

And as a PP has suggested: what if she has another baby next year? And the year after that and the year after that?

Original poster
HerondaleDucks · 13/11/2018 21:20

I'm no saint. I'm glad I'm not alone in saying no though. I was sat here feeling really conflicted about it. What a massive thing to ask someone 6pm on a Tuesday! My dp is pretty angry about it right now, so not appropriate to talk to him about it until he's calmed down.

OP posts:
RolandDeschainsGilly · 13/11/2018 21:21

None at all, they never met. Social workers decided it wasn’t in their best interests, and wouldn’t be safe as their mother is classed as a danger to them. She’s very unstable.

SpottingTheZebras · 13/11/2018 21:26

What about the baby’s father?

What are the reasons for the baby potentially being removed from the mother? If it is drink or drug related, you could find the baby suffers the repercussions of that and you are being up a child with SEN.

Original poster
HerondaleDucks · 13/11/2018 21:36

I think it's more a DV risk than substance abuse.
Dss has challenging and complex SEN; which is why we have a social worker for our family. Dp has residency with social services support and a court order. Mum was deemed to be vulnerable to unwise decisions and having inappropriate people around children and whilst in her care alone when her and do split was concerns of neglect. She had a lot of support but she said she didn't want dss anymore. This was a few years ago now. She's a vulnerable person and she wasn't able to cope with these two. I think all of this is mainly due to concerns with him and her past examples of neglect and safeguarding issues.
Sorry I didn't want to drip feed but it's a complicated backstory

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/11/2018 21:36

What are the implications for your dsd seeing her mum if you adopt the baby? She may gain a sibling but lose her mum completely if you see what I mean?

It is probably worth also posting on the adoption forum as there are people there who will be able to talk from experience. Generally though I think unless your view is “Yay! Baby! Me want!” then it is probably unfair on the baby for you to adopt it. The baby has the right to a mummy and daddy that adores them and thinks that the baby is the best thing that ever happened to them.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/11/2018 21:37

This is a bad idea, unless you'd been planning to adopt already!
This isn't a sibling with whom your step children already have a relationship. The baby will be better placed with parents who desperately want him/her, not a couple doing it out of duty. And like everyone says, she could continue to have babies - ehat would you do if she had another one next year?
You want your own child and that's fair enough.
I think social worker was wrong to ask you.

Original poster
HerondaleDucks · 13/11/2018 21:42

I completely agree with both of you there. If adoption is the root they are taking I'm sure there are plenty of people out there in the right space and with all that love to give this poor child.
I give all my love, time and money to my step children was definitely hoping that the next child would be mine.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 14/11/2018 09:49

You're absolutely allowed to say no. I was talking to a grandfather who had residence of two little granddaughters - his own dd kept on having babies, and he had reached a point where he said no to taking on any more. His own wife had died and no matter how much he loved his granddaughters, the caring was taking a toll. Don't make any decisions driven by guilt or obligation.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 14/11/2018 09:56

Personally I would do it, BUT you are not unreasonable to not do it. You do what’s best for you and your family and your DSD will understand when she’s older. You’ll have to explain what’s going on to her over time and I’m sure SS will be able to help with that.

Original poster
HerondaleDucks · 14/11/2018 12:05

@Namechangedtoavoidbeingfound please may I ask why you would do it?
I mean if you were in my position or personally? Do you have your own children?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 12:47

I really feel for you OP, all of you Flowers

I don't think you should do it but if you did, how does the social worker suggest you'd juggle maintaining DSC contact with their DM but presumably not the baby, as I can't see her getting access once it was adopted and legally yours?

All too easy for people to say they'd do it. It's a hugely complicated situation with lifelong ramifications for everyone involved.

How do the children feel about her giving them up and then going on to have another baby? That must be incredibly confusing and painful for them already.

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 14/11/2018 14:39

@HerondaleDucks, I think personally I just would. There’s been a lot of adoption in my family going back to the 1600’s, I’ve friends who’ve been adopted both with and without their siblings and I don’t think I could separate siblings. BUT I’m single and have no children currently, so my situation is totally different to yours. I only need to consider what I need and what I want. There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting or being able to adopt the child. If it’s not feasible or would create an unpleasant home life, the child and your DSC are better off with the child being adopted or raised by someone else.

Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t clear and despite everyone else’s opinion you only need to do what is right for your family. It has nothing to do with anyone else or what they think or would do. It’s a difficult situation and whatever you choose your always going to have doubts. You just need to work or which one is best for your family long term.

And we’re all here to support whatever decision you make 🙂

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 14/11/2018 15:51

You are an angel for even considering it. Totally reasonable to say no, it’s just too much of an ask. And there is every possibility that she has another child in the next year or two, that’s quite common after removal of a baby. SS will always try to keep half siblings together and place in the family where viable as it makes sense and it’s a lot easier for them. Given the lack of family relationship between the child and your and your partner, it’s understandable to not want to do it or even feel that you should.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2018 16:35

I can't believe a SW worker would suggest this... as in I believe you...but wonder on what planet the SW is on to think you'd want a baby your DPs ex had with another man.

Who would really want that unless thet were very desperate for a baby and could not have their own.

RandomMess · 14/11/2018 17:49

Absolutely not selfish to say no but my understanding is that the SW would always ask the parents of half siblings, happens with DC that have been adopted too.

Please don't feel guilty Thanks

HeckyPeck · 14/11/2018 18:00

You’re definitely not being unreasonable to say no.

SS will find the baby a home, but it’s not your responsibility at all.

2cats2many · 14/11/2018 18:06

What a heartbreak situation.

Can you ask the social worker whether there would be the possibility of letter box contact between yourselves and the family that adopts the new little one? That may be a way of keeping in touch with your step children's sibling.

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