AIBU- Still reeling...

[HerondaleDucks]

Ok; so to avoid dripfeeding.
My DP and I have residency of his 2 children and mum sees them 1-2 times a month since last Jan.
She recently had a baby and is now in a mother baby unit.
I contacted her social worker as my dsd was asking about seeing her mum and mum was pushing really hard for her to see the new baby. Dsd is very conflicted.
So I contacted the social worker and she called me back this evening for a chat.
I explained about the past and issues with contact etc and said it seemed that there was potential that mum wouldn't keep the baby and how did that affect my dsd with meeting and seeing her.
Social worker was unaware of a lot of the issues between mum and her partner and ourselves which had caused so much trouble.
Anyway the gist of the conversation is that she informed me about the situation with mum and baby and then asked whether myself and my dp would be prepared to care for and potentially adopt this baby as we have two of its siblings in our care.
I was not expecting it at all and with all the issues that have happened this year we had only recently decided to plan for a baby with the support of our social worker in the future. Our social worker is totally on board with this.

Was I unreasonable to say no? My dp also said no when he spoke to her. Will my dsd resent us for that decision and feel that we should have her sibling?
Or am I completely justified. What a crazy evening. I'm still in shock!

@AnneLovesGilbert no idea about the practicalities of it at all. Dss isn't aware. But dsd it's been a big old issue for the past 8 or so months since she found out. That's why I called the SW in the first place for advice about contact for her and the baby.

@NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound thanks for your view, its interesting to know. I guess I'm really conflicted as if I had said yes there's no way I could ever have a baby as I could not afford it and there is no space. I think if I had a child already it might be different I suppose but my life is already dedicated to my DP children, I'm not sure I can stretch to one that's unrelated to either of us and I can't even imagine the abuse they would give us!
@dinosaurglitterrepublic I understood that to be true for adopted families and maybe for relatives that have adopted or fostered family members children. It didn't even cross my mind that we would be asked that ever!
@SandyY2K I know. I'm still all over the place about it. Gone through stages of confused, guilt, anger and sadness over the whole thing. I called dss social worker to tell her what happened and even she was shocked we had been asked... especially me before my dp. She's going to talk to the SW about it. She said she could see the logic but completely understood why dp was angry and I was an emotional mess. I'm still conflicted even though I know no is practical and emotionally I just couldn't. But I feel guilty as hell.
@RandomMess I can totally see the logic behind it now I guess but i do feel so guilty.
@HeckyPeck thank you, I need to hear this. My mum went nuts when I told her.

Thank you everyone for the kind messages. What a crap bag day. We haven't told dsd what's happened and I'm waiting to hear back from the baby's social worker about advice on contact.

@2cats2many that's a really good idea. I will ask... not brave enough to speak to the SW for a little while until I get over the shock of it! But I will bring it up when things have blown over a little bit!

I think at the moment, SS are prob. looking at all of the baby's options, and you are just one of them. Don't feel obliged, just because they asked, but do let SS know that they've caused some upset to the family, and put you in a really difficult position with dsd. Make sure that they provide her with adequate support in dealing with the whole sorry situation. And listen to your mum too!

I have been in your position, sort of, the circumstances were different, but I was asked to consider taking on a baby, related to DH but not me, when I had already raised my step children, and had two of my own.

I said no. There was no logistical way I could, it wasn’t fair on any of us. But dear god did I feel guilty at the time. I knew it wasn’t rational, but felt it all the same. I felt like I was going against all my principles. The feeling has passed, I know I made the right choice.

For you, this person is asking you to sacrifice any chance of having a child of your own. That’s just too much, no one can reasonably expect you to do this, particularly because of the choices of someone unrelated to you. Also, if DSS has SN, then presumably a baby suddenly appearing in your family without preparation and under stressful circumstances is likely to be hugely disruptive and unfair on him.

You absolutely have to do what is right for your family. That is so important. You need to protect yourself.

The SS May have just said this as an option, however there will be other good options for the baby so you do not need to feel obliged because you are the only ones who can do it. This isn’t the case, please don’t feel guilty as there’s no reason. It just feels emotional, however it is not the best thing for you unless you feel wholeheartedly that you want this, can do this, it feels right. Which it doesn’t by your post.

You need to go ahead with your plans. Which are exciting. And continue to take care of your unit. I hope all goes well.