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Original poster

Am I an awful person

28 replies

SushiRolll · 01/11/2018 11:10

I'm really struggling at the moment.

Me and DH are TTC and are currently being seen by the recurrent miscarriage clinic. I've had 5 in a year and a half with the latest currently ongoing.

I'm heartbroken and just a mess.

My DH has two lovely kids from his previous relationship. Please do believe me when I say that I really do care for these children, we have a great relationship.

But at the moment I feel like a terrible person because I'm struggling to be around them. Of course I am and I try absolutely to carry on as normal but sometimes I need to take myself away to be alone.

I can't explain it, it's like my heart is being ripped from my chest whenever I see DH playing with them or snuggling on the sofa.

Usually I look forward to them staying but recently I look forward to us having our nights alone so I can just be with DH and grieve openly without having to act like I'm fine.

They are with us 3 nights a week so obviously they are here often.

I feel horrible. I have so many emotions and thoughts going on right now and I feel guilty for feeling this way.

I've asked DH if we can get away for a weekend (literally two nights in the new year) and when he asked whether the kids could come I just wanted to say no. I feel terrible but I just want a break.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I just feel so guilty having these feelings.

It's nothing to do with the kids, I don't let it affect them or their time here. I try so so hard to be my usual happy self when they are here, I still join in and chat with them like I always have. I just feel overwhelmed at the moment like I need to shut myself away for 10 minutes so I can let it out and then get back to it.

OP posts:
elliollie · 01/11/2018 11:13

Be kind to yourself. When I'm feeling down or overwhelmed, I can feel like that about my OWN kids. 

hamabr86 · 01/11/2018 11:20

I think anyone would find it hard to be around children in these circumstances. Don't beat yourself up.

lifeinpieces123 · 01/11/2018 12:19

Really really sorry for your losses. Please don’t beat yourself up, you deserve some peace to gather the strength to push through these difficult times. You are absolutely not a terrible person to acknowledge your emotions.

Anuta77 · 01/11/2018 12:49

I'm really sorry for your loss.
It's very hard, so be compassionate towards yourself, don't judge yourself, these feelings will pass one day. You are a great person for not letting it affect the kids.
Maybe it would help to talk to a therapist, just to have someone who will listen without judgement and maybe suggest coping techniques.
Hugs to you

DonkeyPunch88 · 01/11/2018 12:52

That does not make you a bad person. You sound emotionally very drained right now, it's a very unfair and sad situation for you to be in x

Spanglyprincess1 · 01/11/2018 12:52

Honestly it's normal and would be the same if they were neices and nephews. Be kind to yourself and take time if you need to xx

Original poster
SushiRolll · 01/11/2018 13:27

Thank you all so much for replying.

Some days I find myself looking forward to them being picked up to go home so I can take off my happy mask and feel how I really feel. But then I feel awful for thinking that way because DH loves them being here of course. I do too most of the time, just some days it's too much to handle.

OP posts:
Original poster
SushiRolll · 01/11/2018 13:32

It's a reminder as well that I'm more alone in this as DH has already had this experience I so long for but may never get. Of course I knew he had kids before we got together and it never bothered me until we started having problems TTC.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 01/11/2018 18:31

No, you are a million percent NOT an awful person! You are grieving for your little people who you never got a chance to meet, meanwhile you have another womans little people in your home nearly 50% of the time. That can't be changed (and nor should it, of course) but i really think you need to talk to DP about how you feel. Feeling understood might be the first positive step towards healing. Of course, these were his losses too, and he may well point that out to you, but at the end of the day he still has what you do not and i think you deserve a bit of TLC and, yes, some quality time just the two of you.

Original poster
SushiRolll · 01/11/2018 19:00

Youseethethingis my main concern with talking to DH is that he will think I have a problem with his kids.

They are obviously his priority as they should be and I don't want to come across as resentful because I'm not at all.

But I am so tired (literally tired) of having to pretend I'm okay and things like going to hospital appointments alone because he has the kids with him and we obviously don't want them to know what's going on. These are things I can't change of course but I feel guilty for having these thoughts.

We went away earlier this year for 5 days. I was on the brink of depression, considering ending my life and we went to stay with my relative so I could mentally heal. I spent the time feeling terribly guilty as it ended up causing drama because we hadn't taken the kids. I suppose it could have looked like exclusion to someone not entirely privy to our circumstances.

I feel like I want to be incredibly selfish to help my own mental health but I know that I can't because they come first. I feel completely drained.

OP posts:
Original poster
SushiRolll · 01/11/2018 19:04

Other things too like him showing me a cute video of his eldest when he was a toddler the other day. I watched and I aww'd but in my head I was screaming please turn it off. I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to look.

2 years ago I would have loved to see that.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 01/11/2018 19:11

Please talk to him. This isn't about his children. It's about your longed for children.

Tell him how devastating this time has been. How you're finding it so hard (understandably). How you're envious that he's had the experience of being a parent for the first time and that you're sad that it hasn't happened for you yet. How you love the children. How you love being their SM. But how you're finding it so very difficult bottling up your emotions for so much of the time. How his cute videos are like sharp reminders of your own current situation.

Any couple who've been through what you have would find it very upsetting to have constant reminders, but you have to bear it in your own home. And while feeling you can't share your grief with your partner

Can you spend some time with family again? Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally?

I really hope he understands, and that you have positive news from the investigations.

Original poster
SushiRolll · 01/11/2018 21:05

Gazelda thank you.

I will try. I hate the thought of making him feel guilty over something he can't and obviously wouldn't ever change.

I could go and spend some time with family but to be honest I don't want to leave him. He's my rock right now.

I think it's partly why I look forward so much to our time alone because he's the only one who makes me feel okay again. It sounds daft but when the kids aren't here I'm basically joint at the hip to him!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 02/11/2018 06:25

You really need to talk to him. The way you feel is totally normal. Don't assume he is hurting less tough. The situation was reversed in my case, I as the one with children, OH didn't and was looking forward but when I miscarried and then we couldn't get pregnant I was totally heartbroken even if I might not appeared so because I still pretended to be a happy mum with my children.

You should have told him toy were hoping to go away just you and him. There is no guilt to be have to want time as a couple and couples with their joint kids do so all the time because they too need a break sometimes. You are grieving and you are frightened of the future. You just need a break to reset your mind a bit to remember that there is still a good life out there to enjoy rather than just live with your pain. A break is the best medicine and your OH should understand it if you speak with your heart rather than your mind. Just make sure you don't say things to imply that he is in a better situation than you because he already has children because that will get him on the defensive and rightly so.

Original poster
SushiRolll · 02/11/2018 07:18

swingofthings thank you. Sorry to hear you went through similar.

I know I do often fall into the trap of thinking he doesn't understand or isn't in the same position as me etc... I worry so much that he'll get sick of trying and it not working as he has his kids already so won't want to keep going through this with me.

I've told him this fear and he's assured me that won't happen, he wants a family with me and will never give up.

I know these fears I'm having are irrational but I can't help but fear them none the less. It's like my brain tortures me on purpose with all of these thoughts and scenarios.

Of course he's hurting too and I need to remember that. It's hard because he draws his comfort from his kids whereas he is the one who does that for me. He tries to make me feel better by saying things about how much his kids love me at least and things but for me it just isn't the same. I love and care for the kids of course, sometimes they even make me feel a lot better and we have a laugh. But it isn't the same as having your own is it? It doesn't comfort me the way it does him.

I thought it was obvious I wanted to go away together for the weekend on our own. But of course it's not for him to read my mind so I did tell him last night I wanted it to be me and him. He understands and agrees it will do us some good so that's one thing at least!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 02/11/2018 09:41

You've analysez the situation perfectly. Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling scared. It's totally understandable.

Your OH sufferers from the common affliction of self-centered Ness, ie. 'How I feel must surely be how you feel too because there can't be another way' so yes, in his own little world he is mistakingly assuming that you can take the same comfort from his kids as he does. The fact that it isn't the same at all is something you need to gently put across to him. Yes his kids might love you, but it's understandably unlikely to be unconditional level like they have for him and that makes a big difference.

Yes, he is likely to hurt and want a baby with you as much as you, but as you've said, he's got a comfort blanket that you don't have and he needs to respe this. Don't assume he will have the insight to understand it, you probably need to spell it out gently to him.

Youseethethingis · 02/11/2018 18:25

So glad to read you have spoken to your DP about some time alone! Good first step - you deserve this time with him and he deserves a chance to step up and look after you without distractions Flowers

hellhavenofury · 07/11/2018 15:05

I dont think you are bad in anyway of wanting to be alone with your DP. I am a SM to 2 and we have family get aways with all 4 of us and then we have adult weekends away (that sounds really sordid but not like that!) and its fine. Especially in your situation you want to be close to him and not put an act on. Hoping it gets easier soon!

SandyY2K · 09/11/2018 09:30

I hope they get to the bottom of your miscarriages. It must be devastating.

All couples could benefit from time away without the kids...stepchildren or your own.

Original poster
SushiRolll · 23/11/2018 11:52

Thank you all Flowers

I've not been back in a while, I've been taking some time to rest.

I'm feeling a little better but some days are still very hard.

I have a very rare weekend alone this weekend and I'm looking forward to it. I've forced myself to contact some friends I haven't been able to face seeing for a while and they are staying with me tomorrow.

Christmas was very hard last year so I am quite nervous with that approaching but we'll see.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 23/11/2018 11:56

Are you being offered counselling? When you undergo IVF clinics have to — I imagine it’s the same for the miscarriage clinic. Take advantage of it.

Original poster
SushiRolll · 26/11/2018 16:32

Thank you, I think I will.

I've actually just got another positive test last night although my last miscarriage was only 4 weeks ago so unsure whether it's a new one or not!

HCG was reading at only 8 about 3 and a half weeks ago so I'm thinking surely it can't still be from the old pregnancy.

Hoping it's new but scared if it is too, very mixed emotions Sad here's to going through it all over again!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 26/11/2018 16:54

Crossing fingers for you Shushi, your determination will get you there and hopefully there is now.

Original poster
SushiRolll · 17/12/2018 21:57

Am struggling tonight. The new pregnancy didn't end well and DP is at his DCs nativity play tomorrow with ex.

I am feeling a bit lost. I don't know how I can go through the pain of losing our babies over and over whilst he has them already with someone else. I feel like I want to walk away but I love this man more than anything.

I feel so lonely right now. I don't know if I'm strong enough anymore.

OP posts:
Beamur · 17/12/2018 22:02

So sorry that this has happened to you again. I can't imagine how you must feel, although I've also had miscarriages whilst caring for SC's so I have an inkling.