Being a wicked step mother is really hard work! [thlwink]

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

As Halloween is coming... any wicked step mothers out there?!

I jest (kind of). Obviously I hope that no step mothers are actually wicked. I just want to pass on to any struggling step mothers out there, who are trying to make it work, but coming up with rejection, hostility or problems that I have a lot of sympathy. It’s REALLY hard!

I don’t think in RL we get much, or any appreciation. Mothers and fathers get a fair level of recognition and support in communities, but SMs have a pretty tough job and get none. So I just wanted to give any struggling out there some appreciation from a fellow SM! I’ve read some tough stories on here of SMs having such a hard time.

I had a sharp reminder of how tough it was because I went to one of my DSDs 23rd birthday party yesterday. It’s all a long story, I’ve been a SM for years, full time, had DS with DP, DSDs refuse to visit and I’m separating from DP. But we still live together for the moment .

Anyway I was actually invited this time so I went. DSD1 has practically ignored me for the last 3 years. However she made a real effort, I think she’s a bit sorry, I don’t know, but she totally floored me by asking how I was and being nice. I appreciated her effort and asked the same of her etc. I did feel a pang of sadness, she’s obviously struggling with life I think. Her bfs moved away and she has nothing else. She’s at her Mums, working just a few hours a week, and very immature, lost. She wants to live with her bf but he’s living with his mum too. I think she misses me, but I couldn’t be sure.

Youngest DSD there too, although she only interacted with her mother. DPs Ex was also there, and also floored me by not glaring at me and almost exchanging one word, although Hello was obviously too much. She usually just aggressively stares at me. Which is one reason I started to avoid her and events. She did keep smiling at DP as if to share a mutual surprise that I had dared to attend. DP was awkward as hell but relieved his DD talked to me.

Although no one was openly hostile to me, and I was pleased DD made an effort after 3 years... I still felt totally and utterly exhausted after only 2 hours. I spent the whole time feeling that everything I said or did would be commented on (often has been relayed negatively to DP) so could not relax in any way. My DSDs also have a big extended family on their Mums side so they tend to dominate and look at me as if I’m some kind of zoo specimen!

Honestly all the tension, the ‘will they/won’t they’ speak to me, DPs Ex annoyingly exchanging glances with DP as if we were in the school playground...
...it’s all just too much of a hot bed of historical resentments and weird feelings towards me. Even when nothing actually happened this time. And DSD1 was actually quite nice. Just all those years of caring and trying, to have so much, well bitchiness tbh from them and their mother just takes its toll I think. Phew! How the hell did I cope with years of all of that 24/7?!

So hats off to anyone who’s been through the mill or struggling. It’s mentally like walking a minefield! Happy Halloween!

...off on broomstick.

Well done for going and glad it went ok

Thank you @redbus and @annelovesgilbert that’s true it was quite hard to go. And I don’t think anyone there would have thought for a second that it might ever be tricky for me. There’s a sort of dehumanizing of SMs sometimes.

Hope all is going well for you both.

Just wanting to send you a hug Bananas

Thanks! @blendingrock back!

Although I have to say I’m a lot happier at the moment. Most of that SM stress has gone, it’s a huge relief. It just bought it all back at the party and I thought, wow this is hard and wow, some people are still in the middle of it!

I know DP doesn’t want to break up but I don’t think it’s repairable. A bit like seeing DSD1 I think she’d like perhaps for me to go back to my more open self with her and be her friend again, but I cant just turn back the clock. It’s just basic self protection! I’ve got two lovely boys who I have a great relationship with and I’d rather a more peaceful future.

Bless you Bananas... you've had a real tough time of it. Glad it was ok.
I think some self love and safeguarding your future happiness is very well deserved.
You always give fabulous advice as well.

I am very much the wicked step mother atm. The dm comes to our house for contact, has just had a baby and has been sent to a mother and baby unit.
I've told dp point blank that baby is never coming in my house and he'll have to take dsd to meet said baby away from ours. I think he secret agrees but I am potentially being unreasonable.

Wow Bananas, I've never had to deal with that level of hostility, sounds like you behaved with good grace for the entire event!

Thank you for highlighting the complete lack of appreciation shown to steps, especially (wicked) SM. Good enough to do the mundane stuff but not to be acknowledged for it. It's taken me many years to come to terms with and it is a difficult role, and not for everyone.

I hope my DPs children don't think I'm wicked, well, at least most of the time {smile}

@herondale that sounds pretty tense and tough, the problems that you have to take on! Doesn’t sound that unreasonable considering you are taking in the whole parenting burden.

@happystep like your name! Yes the event was exhausting... I think partly because I am supposed to act perfectly yet everyone else can act badly and no one bats an eyelid. That’s often the SM dilemma! I hope you’ve been through the hard bits and have managed to make it work.

@Bananas thanks, mostly I am!
Yeah, that whole "you need to be the adult" constantly because you're the SM is tedious, still have that sometimes, usually when a teenager is being a teenager and you could just kill them

I am supposed to act perfectly yet everyone else can act badly and no one bats an eyelid

This just about sums up stepparenting when your DP/DH isn't on board!

Glad you're feeling happier now

It is so hard being a step parent, it's a constant tightrope walk. You are constantly expected to act like parent, but not too much of one, just when needed, and don't you dare over step. I've been a SM for 9 years, and it has been a real eye opener!

I think you acted brilliantly at the party, and showed real class. I am glad you are putting on your own happiness first.

Right, where did I put my broomstick?

I am failing miserably at being a SM. My partner is moving in with me as we live in different states and he has a 9 year old son, who lives weekdays with his mum and his mums parents (his grandparents) and is very close to them, he still sleeps in the same room as his mum. I am taking his dad away and he’s upset - maybe because his mum is upset that dad is moving away but also because he will only see dad weekends now not on wed nights for dinner. I want to have my own kids and either I give up my relationship or we move in. I offered to fly SS over each second weekend, but I cause the mother and grandmother anxiety and the son anxiety, I am not sure why, but I think it’s that I am not a controllable entity. There always is a fuss about ideas for being together. It’s hard as it’s something I have no compass for. It’s new for me and I don’t want to be a SM but I also didn’t want to not try. Any tips for not pissing off a 9 year old child who is very attached to mum and anxious?

@happystep yes tricky teenagers! But you must be doing something right.

@accatsnohelp that is true, DP and how strong they are is key.

@rhubarb 9 years, similar to me, it’s tough! Thanks so much for your comments about the party, inside I was actually counting the minutes...

@annickey that sounds hard, the son is seeing his Dad move and have a new partner too. If he’s very close to his mum he’ll have a lot of loyalty to her. I guess seeing the long term though and lowering your expectations will help. Give the boy plenty of time with his Dad on his own, and see it as a very gradual process. Maybe see if there is anything the boy likes that you are good at/also like, and build it up slowly with being involved in one activity with him. If everyone is anxious, then they might need to realise over time that you are trustworthy, are consistent etc and it’s probably natural to be wary at first. Small steps!

Thanks. yes I agree time alone with dad is probably the key thing for the first year.

Wowsers bananas. That sounds pretty awful truth be told. Looking at my situation, it feels as though I could fast forward a few years and I too could be in a similar situation.
However I’m not sure I would ever actually attend said party. I don’t ever foresee a time when I will be in the same environment as my DP and his EW in a family setting. I also have zero interest in putting myself through that. It’s a shame that they are now making the effort. When their dad is sad and alone, I wonder how they will feel.

Out of curiousity has his EW got a significant other?

@toosassy yes I keep this kind of event very minimal! I get a lot of flack for not attending most of them, from DSDs/Ex/DP but I think they also like having just their Dad and Mum tbh. Ex has a significant other, but they have a long distance relationship and Ex still very much treats DP like a husband. I’ve met her partner, he’s very nice but also a bit of a doormat. She used to ignore him when DP was on the room.

DSD made an effort but I’m pretty sure it’s because DP had a word, I don’t think there’s any genuine connection between me and DSDs after all these years. I have a son who is their brother, which is the only reason I went as he would have been taken there without me and I was sick of that too! Their Dad is pretty low I think, he’s not in a great situation but the time to have made it better was back a long way. There’s a reason his Ex was exchanging smiles with him, for all her faults she prioritised her life over her kids and now has 4 holidays a year with her DP, DSDs who are loyal to her and don’t expect much from her in return, a house paid for but DP and an ex husband (DP) who still responds and rescues whenever she calls (guilt trips)!

Whereas DP put his daughters way above me, on a pedestal. They have far less respect for him, treat him as their mother shows them - taxis, fixing any problem and cashhpoint. One DSD appreciates him for just being himself, the other daughters only appreciate him when he’s doing things for them, otherwise they complain all the time. They all refuse to visit him so he has to take them out. The youngest ones have zero interest in our DS. The older ones complain about me to him, periodically. So he feels torn all the time. If he’s taken me out in the past, he gets complained at. He dare not go on holiday or even a weekend away with me / his son as his daughters will complain. They are all 18+ now. So we’ve never had a holiday. Except one when I paid for all his daughters and did whatever they wanted but they ignored me the whole time. DP just feels like he works and that’s his only role. To provide money. Hes well known and liked yet has very few people who he can actually depend on. And now he’s losing me and his son.

So he’s already feeling fairly alone and of course, his daughters don’t even register it.

On the other hand, I’m gaining more happiness, strength and peace the more I disengage and concentrate on my sons, my friends and my life outside of being a SM.

@Bananas, thanks, mostly get it right these days but boy that was a steep and extended learning curve! To be fair, they are good kids, which makes it easier I think.

Wow, completely understand now why you're disengaging, how does your DS feel about having his half-siblings apparently being put before him? I'm astounded you've stayed this long (although I don't have children of my own so the DSC have always been priority)

I’ve two boys, the oldest is DPs step son, and he feels indifferent now about his step family, whereas he was once very warm and wanting to bond. My youngest has special needs and is not aware yet of the differences, although it does impact on him. He has had to wait far longer for his own bedroom for example, and would get ferried about in his Dads car giving the DSDs lifts over and above doing activities.

I got very frustrated for a long time, having to compete or argue for what they needed, as the DSDs just take up way too much of DPs and once my energy. It isn’t fair on the younger and frankly more needy ones. Things are a lot more balanced as I just put both the boys needs first, and in some ways, having the DSDs keep their distance means I can have emotional headspace to create a healthier home life. I just take them in holidays by myself!

Glad things are easier with you, it’s definitely a steep learning curve!

Just wanted to say well done for being so gracious, as you've always come across as being. Glad you're finally getting some well deserved happiness!xx

I never was a stepmother or had to share my dd with a stepmother. But I can see that it is a hard and underappreciated job. My closest friend was a full-time stepmother for eleven years until the little girls were old enough that the father didn't her anymore. She is very kind and loving with children, but the father refused to let her have any authority over them.

Hi Bananas I’m an old timer under a different name, we used to communicate and sympathise as our situations were similar.

I’m sad to know you’re separating but not surprised. It seems to me so often to be about loyalty and power struggles, with the terrified parent (usually dad) caught in between.

I think how things are handled right at the start is the all important, as children can smell their parent’s fear a mile off and learn how to use it. Obviously I’m not talking about all step families but certainly mine falls into this catagory, and perhaps yours too.

My dh like your partner is terrified of his adult dd who cut him off 18 months ago and he’s made it clear he will do whatever it takes and however much money it takes to get her back. But even he would draw the line at not being allowed to go away for the weekend with me. I have NEVER heard the likes and my blood is boiling for you. I understand you have stayed so long for your ds but i too would cut my losses then. Living with resentment isn’t good for anyone.

@cappy thanks! Very kind. Hope all is going well for you?
@coyoacan I hope that your friend had some support, it’s a tough job!
@around the world it’s nice to hear from you again! I hope that you are getting on okay.

Your DP is in a trap, his DD being bought and won with money / attention is no basis for a life long relationship. It’s shocking really that a child would cut off a parent - to punish them - and the parent had done nothing to deserve that. What kind of adult is your DSD going to be? Sad and worrying.

It’s weird to watch these relationships play out into adulthood. You are so right, it happens early, children can smell their parents fear is true. And there is a huge well of fear by separated parents - wanting validation from their kids.

My DSDs and Ex all seemed to smell DPs fear and he desperately needed to be best Dad, best Ex, and the more they treated him badly the worse DP felt, the more he’d run after them. Sounds harsh now but he’s welcome to it, it’s a relief to be apart from it all. I would personally not stand for being treated so harshly by my own kids. And I told my Ex to take a hike years ago! At least we get to make our own choices.

And one day, hopefully not too far in the future, I’ll report back to this board away on a weekend break with a new man who has fantastic kids! Or none. Not fussy.

Makes me so sad to hear how you and your children have been treated and to some extent your dp.
I hope that next year brings you more happiness and resilience Bananas. After all that effort I think you deserve to be put first for a change.
It's sad to think your dp will only truly realise how much he has lost until you are gone. Not many people, especially those irl are as self sacrificing as step parents are expected to be, but then, we knew what we were getting into from the beginning... lol

@herondaleducks thanks - yes it was my children being treated increasingly like second class citizens that made me say no to a lot of the crap in the first place! It takes a lot of good will to build relationships. Unfortunately it doesn’t take too much bad will for it to come tumbling down. :-(

I’ve already been putting my family first for the past couple of years, which initially bought a backlash of resentment from DSDs, to DP, which kind of finished us off. DP has been feeling crap however he can’t quite tie in cause and effect. But happily of all my kids and me have had some good adventures, it’s a happy home and we are a good unit now. So it’s been getting much better already. I’m trying to be the kind of role model I want my kids to be.

I hope things go well for you too. Or if not? Well don’t complain you knew what you were getting into...
ouch!

I'm pleased to report things in the Ducks house are going very well at the present. We're in a very different place to where I was at in March.

Many more adventures then! Or as my mum calls them... Jam sandwich adventures. Something I've been introducing my Dsd to.

I've learnt a lesson this year of the empty cup, taking time to fill up my cup because I cannot keep giving when my cup is empty or it sends me to dispair.
I don't understand how step children can be so cruel, its so bizarre for me because I love and cherish my step father so much.
As often said on these boards it appears that the DP are often to blame for inequalities and injustices in households, its a shame that children put them to ransom to get in that situation. Or as portrayed on this board.