Being a wicked step mother is really hard work! [thlwink]

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

As Halloween is coming... any wicked step mothers out there?!

I jest (kind of). Obviously I hope that no step mothers are actually wicked. I just want to pass on to any struggling step mothers out there, who are trying to make it work, but coming up with rejection, hostility or problems that I have a lot of sympathy. It’s REALLY hard!

I don’t think in RL we get much, or any appreciation. Mothers and fathers get a fair level of recognition and support in communities, but SMs have a pretty tough job and get none. So I just wanted to give any struggling out there some appreciation from a fellow SM! I’ve read some tough stories on here of SMs having such a hard time.

I had a sharp reminder of how tough it was because I went to one of my DSDs 23rd birthday party yesterday. It’s all a long story, I’ve been a SM for years, full time, had DS with DP, DSDs refuse to visit and I’m separating from DP. But we still live together for the moment .

Anyway I was actually invited this time so I went. DSD1 has practically ignored me for the last 3 years. However she made a real effort, I think she’s a bit sorry, I don’t know, but she totally floored me by asking how I was and being nice. I appreciated her effort and asked the same of her etc. I did feel a pang of sadness, she’s obviously struggling with life I think. Her bfs moved away and she has nothing else. She’s at her Mums, working just a few hours a week, and very immature, lost. She wants to live with her bf but he’s living with his mum too. I think she misses me, but I couldn’t be sure.

Youngest DSD there too, although she only interacted with her mother. DPs Ex was also there, and also floored me by not glaring at me and almost exchanging one word, although Hello was obviously too much. She usually just aggressively stares at me. Which is one reason I started to avoid her and events. She did keep smiling at DP as if to share a mutual surprise that I had dared to attend. DP was awkward as hell but relieved his DD talked to me.

Although no one was openly hostile to me, and I was pleased DD made an effort after 3 years... I still felt totally and utterly exhausted after only 2 hours. I spent the whole time feeling that everything I said or did would be commented on (often has been relayed negatively to DP) so could not relax in any way. My DSDs also have a big extended family on their Mums side so they tend to dominate and look at me as if I’m some kind of zoo specimen!

Honestly all the tension, the ‘will they/won’t they’ speak to me, DPs Ex annoyingly exchanging glances with DP as if we were in the school playground...
...it’s all just too much of a hot bed of historical resentments and weird feelings towards me. Even when nothing actually happened this time. And DSD1 was actually quite nice. Just all those years of caring and trying, to have so much, well bitchiness tbh from them and their mother just takes its toll I think. Phew! How the hell did I cope with years of all of that 24/7?!

So hats off to anyone who’s been through the mill or struggling. It’s mentally like walking a minefield! Happy Halloween!

...off on broomstick.

bananas I find it interesting that the backlash came when you started to prioritise you and your kids first.

I haven’t experienced what I would call a backlash, but it has definitely caused a ‘shift’ as my DP and I try and figure out if we have any way forward. I’ve booked some really fun things with my DC over the next 2 to 3 months and I cannot wait. I’ve spent 2 years working my life around my DP’s contact arrangements and I’m just fed up with it. There is always something, some drama. It’s my kids and me who are paying the price of his EW control freakery.

I’ve firmly told him to ask his own family step up more and help/ make themselves available for holidays. Why the onus sits on me and my DC is not acceptable. I will not bat an eyelid if we don’t do a family holiday, ever. I think the healthiest way forward (if we manage a way) is he has his holiday time with his DC and I have mine. My DC are coming up to that great age when they have the ability to do long haul/ fully enjoy a new place but are still young enough to not think they are far too cool to hang out with me. I’m not wasting those years or opportunities to make memories.

It’s such a shame though isn’t it? Sad that these are in essence the situations we are forced into because someone in the mix simply refuses to accept the new family.

I’ve booked some really fun things with my DC over the next 2 to 3 months and I cannot wait. I’ve spent 2 years working my life around my DP’s contact arrangements and I’m just fed up with it.

Definitely definitely do more of this! My only regret was not prioritising my family sooner. Except we are trying to be fair at first aren’t we? That’s a good way to start. However if others are really not playing fair, then it’s true, drawing up the footbridge is the only way to go. I so, so relate to so much, it’s sad I guess because this shouldn’t be happening that often. But it does unfortunately. It really is a shame.

It really IS interesting that I got most backlash when I just started caring for my own lot. Why is that? If I truly was having a bad effect as SM then everyone should have been happy.

It’s great going away too with just our kids. They deserve some fantastic memories and to feel that they are a unit. I felt like we lost our sense of a unit by trying to twist ourselves into knots with similar to you, a crazy contact schedule with a lot of intrusion from the Ex. Not great and soooo wearing.

It’s hard to hold our own. It’s also hard, let’s face it, to see our relationship broken because of their previous wife and or kids resentments. We suffer a loss that’s totally out of our control.

I know people say we should only blame our DPs, however I don’t think that’s balanced. They should have had the maturity to sort their lot as it were; but our relationship has also been attacked by others. That’s hard to reconcile. I have a tough job with that. In effect my relationship has been sacrificed on the bonfire for others fairly selfish needs. Or as you say someone in the mix refuses to accept the new family. However to stop being resentful ourselves we’ve got to somehow get above it. Holidays help!

Also you said before I think about not missing our own kids childhoods. That’s a great way of putting it into perspective. These dramas suck out all the joy! Let’s get far away from them. I imagine your DP will miss you and see what he has given up. He will hopefully then totally focus on you for dinner! I really hope you get some laughter and peace for a while.

@heron glad to hear you’ve got a happy home! Good for you. I definitely get the empty cup thing. I think it took a while for me to realize how empty I was! I also loved my Step Dad who is no longer around. He bought a lot to my life. I think a lot of older girls in particular identify with their mothers, so it can really depend on whether the Ex is harbouring bitterness. Anyway it’s a shame but at least we are all learning. Lots of very insightful people on these boards.

To my SD i’m Pretty wicked right now. I think DSS quite likes me. Still, I have my own DS for hugs and reassurance so that’s ok.

Oh @Bananasinpyjamas11 - that sounds absolutely exhausting but well done you for going & weathering it. I have something similar coming up next year with dss3 & am dreading it. Though I must say I think I'll be told to stay away by exw.
I honestly think the whole sm thing is beyond thankless.
I'm at the point where I am leaving dp to his own devices re his kids & just am not getting involved unless I positively have to. This has noting to do with the kids themselves but I just can't have the exw in my home or in my kids lives so to speak.

@justmarried sometimes it’s harder with one than the other! One DSD I’ve never had a problem with either. The step child with barriers is often one who’s struggling or has some issues already - and symbolically you are not welcomed. I hope it gets better.

@magda I sympathise it’s like walking through the tunnel in Indiana Jones. Not pleasant. Then being invisible isn’t great, but it’s the lesser of two evils. I don’t blame you at all for keeping a distance. It will leech you of your happiness!

At least you sound very grounded with a very gracious and positive outlook and family. You’ve been through it with your Ex yet you’ve forged a stable and non drama filled home. I’d protect it too from your DPs exes influence. She sounds like a nightmare. Such a shame your DP isn’t stronger, his boys will develop into better men if they could see their father treating you well and drawing a line with his Ex.