Feeling sad on DPs behalf

[ChipssAndGravy]

DPs DC always tell him how much they can't wait to go home (to their mothers) or they will ask him excitedly who's house they are staying at tonight and when he says ours they will act disappointed.

It breaks his heart and I feel so awful for him.

I know people here may ask 'well what makes them feel that way' and may not believe when I say I really can't think of anything.

They are here 3 nights a week, he's a brilliant father and they do love him. I think they are just very close to their mother. When they aren't thinking about it they have a real laugh together.

Me and my DP have been together for quite some time and I get on with them really well so it's not to do with me/ dad having a new partner so far as I'm aware.

The youngest (7) sometimes gets very upset when we pick him up from his mum's but afterwards when we get home he's fine and we have a really good time together.

The oldest (9) is a bit more sensitive about it now and doesn't do it as much.

Once a while back the youngest was crying when we picked him up and when we asked him why we managed to get out of him that his mum had said how much she was going to miss him because she'll be at home on her own. He felt very bad about leaving her after that.

They've just asked me where they were staying tonight whilst DP was in another room and when I said here they got very huffy and said they wanted to stay at mummy's. Maybe I shouldn't have but I just said to them 'please do not say that infront of Daddy anymore, it's very mean and makes him sad'.

I know they can of course have a preference as to where they'd like to stay as they get older but it just breaks my heart for DP. He loves them with every fiber in his body and I can see it kills him when they act like they don't want to see him.

"Once a while back the youngest was crying when we picked him up and when we asked him why we managed to get out of him that his mum had said how much she was going to miss him because she'll be at home on her own. He felt very bad about leaving her after that."

So on he basis of this one time he has said this it is now assumed mum is the cause of all the issues and emotionally damaging her children?
How do you know the how this conversation went?
When my children go to their dad's they will often tell me they will miss me and I will tell them I will miss them too. They also ask me what I will be doing while they are away. Some times I am doing nothing and just starting in the house.
That could be interpreted by a young child as "mummy will miss us and be all alone"

Maybe you could start getting them to pick and prepare meals with you both so they can look forward to that next time they come. Or plan other activities in advance so they have things to look forward to.

I think the problem is they are confused not knowing where there are on which day. How about making it a project to design a calendar for the coming two weeks that tells them where they will be. It can have dates but mainly events that they can relate to and they can make two so one they keep at mum and one at dad.

Do they get to call their mum? It's a tricky one as regular calls could make them worse but at the same time, it could mean them being reassured and that's all they need.

I think the important thing is to try to assess that them saying they are missing their mum is not masking another reason why they don't feel at home with you/their dad but don't dare saying it because indeed they don't want to hurt your feelings and from their perspective, saying they miss their mum is less hurtful then to say they don't feel at home.

It will have to be a case of trial and error.

I think the problem is they are confused not knowing where there are on which day

I agree with this.

It’s odd that they are having to ask whose house they are staying at that night.

I would really really really hate to live between two homes. Shuttling between them, a day here, a day there week after week - for years. Imagine your stuff in different places, your friends in different places, different lives. Both parents making you feel bad even though it's because of them that you have to do it....It would be disruptive, unsettling and a downright nuisance. But It's a high price that kids end up paying when their parents split.

@ChipssAndGravy

It is so hard to no what to say and tell them off. When my partners girls were down I did have a word with them because they made my partner cry and he walked out the house because they told him 'it was not good enough, mummy said he should spend more on them so he should just buy new tickets there ' (tickets for local mini theme park didn't arrive for her birthday treat day so we used my sons zoo tickets for his first birthday the following day instead. He was so so upset and I felt justified in telling them that they needed to be politer and more respectful towards their dad (in a nutshell). I think you haven't said anything wrong in telling them to be nicer because if you don't stand up for him who will? And as a parental role figure I'm sure you are allowed to tell them off and do everything else like a parent such as cook them dinner and heloneoth their routines. So this shouldn't be any different. The kids no what they are doing.

As for not wanting to go my 4 year old is the same with his dad and he asked me why. Do you spend most of your days at home with the kids, same meals etc? Whilst their mum does days out, takeaways etc? As when I delved into it with my ex husband it turns out he picks him up his day to have him and they go back to his and watch tele and play with his toys and then have dinner cooked by his MIL and bed where they share a room with dads gf. My son was wanting to be home because we were out, i take him swimming lessons, to days out to the zoo or theme parks, arcades and we have takeaway or macdonalds etc. He has his own room, I buy him toys etc. And I take him holiday whilst his dad talks about his and his gf holiday in front of him. You may find that it's simply little things like this that if daddy isn't taking them to lessons, or days out or holidays they want to be with mummy because she does?? Just a thought.. does he relastically do much in days out, holidays, lessons, takeaways, buying new toys? Because maybe you could start planning a day out each week or a meal out or a takeaway etc where they feel included into the decision and feel like their dad wants to enjoy doing stuff with them??

It is hard for the dads I get that completely and they don't get pushed aside and mums at home don't help. And I do think they ex is unfortunately playing games.

Personally what I think is sad is a parent has to rely on their partner to say something because they are to weak to deal with it themselves and kids will certainly pick up on it.

Kids are just all joy. They do and say things that upset and hurt your feelings. It's part of being a parent to put your feelings aside and deal with it whichever way they deem appropriate.

I would be annoyed if my partner said something to my kids about them making be sad or upset. I can tell them myself if I want them to know.

@Lovelife12345

A day out each week?
Are you mad?
Ridiculously expensive and unnecessary.
There is no way trying to compete with the mum using days out and takeaways will make the kids want to stay there more. Not for the right reasons anyway.
I know from experience that it makes kids more materialistic.

@Wetwashing00 I'm not saying days out every week that has to cost but perhaps if you have a local national trust or like near us we have moors and make it fun.. doesn't have to cost. And meal wise even if it's asking them what they want cooking. Try and make them feel included into decisions. It could be they feel they don't get as much of a say as they do at mums. But I know from experience with my boy he hated going daddies because they stayed home all day whereas we would go to the park, forest walks, swimming lessons, zoo (season pass good way of having something to do even when we have no money) holidays. My son said to me on way back from Peppa Pig world 'thank you mummy I only do fun things with you. Daddy we just sit in his house and it's boring and daddy won't take me on holiday with ....(gf) .' The more tome we invest into our kids the more they enjoy spending it with us. His dad still doesn't do much with him. His handover diary comes back with same old each week.

It could be a trip to the park with a picnic.
When mine were little, we found a lot of different parks to visit. There are some great ones a short drive from home.
Local library’s storey time and craft time was a favourite as well. All free

Lovelife12345 You got to be kidding me advice from you! You may include and do things with you’re boys but you exclude you’re dp two girls!

Please don't let this be another thread about this car crash poster!

These children are telling your that they are unhappy with the current arrangement, they don’t even know where they are sleeping each night.

But your only concern is that them expressing their views will hurt your partners feelings. You want them to shut up about their feelings because his are more important.

Op you don’t have to be going out every week with you’re family. I don’t think it’s particularly unrealistic and I tend to find those who do tend to be Disney dads who don’t have their dc every day, so it’s all the fun bits. My ex used to spoil ds weekly and always have ago at me for not taking him constantly all the time, for starters I had a job and more than one child. Going out was a treat for us and often expensive. Since ex had his little baby his attitude has completely changed and I think he understands looking after children majority of the time is tiring on top of working. Especially with the bad weather coming up you could get some stuff to do in the house maybe pumpkin carving, Halloween’s arts and crafts, baking etc things that don’t cost the earth but can be done at home.

PearsOfWisdom if you read the thread I've acknowledged on numerous occasions I was wrong to say what I said and should have approached the situation better.

Don't tell me I'm only concerned about my partner or that I was the children to shut up. That is not true in the slightest. I care massively for these children as I have done every day for years. You have no idea how I feel towards them or my intentions which I've said from the start are only good.

I had a moment of error which I've acknowledged and am now trying to figure out a way to successfully bring up the matter with DP so he can talk openly with his kids about what's going wrong.

Are you a perfect parent who gets things right 100% of the time? Or are you like everyone else who sometimes says things and then thinks afterwards you probably should have done something differently?

Thanks to everyone else for your constructive advice I really appreciate it x

I think your partner needs to get some thicker skin. Kids of separated parents do this, whether deliberately or subconsciously.

My DP has 2DDs who he has 50/50 and they always pull a face if you say they are staying at Daddy's, they regularly pull a face at pick up time, they will say they miss mummy. Whilst they are with us they are happy though and settled. It used to get my DP down until he mentioned it to his ex and turns out they do pretty much the same thing when they are at their mum's. They always ask for Daddy and want to stay at Daddy's house. They are 3 & 7. I'm not sure if they do it for reaction or just to be awkward.

Kids aren't there to provide their parents with gratification and massage their self-esteem and egos. Just ignore the comments if they are happy enough when they are with you, just brush it off. In saying something you may only fuel the fire

@RandomMess

They sound like they take their Daddy's time and attention and love for granted.

I absolutely agree with this.

My DH is struggling with a similar thing at the moment with his DS (6): DS has started saying that he misses his mummy, doesn't want to come to our house, etc. His DS's mum is very quick to tell DP about all this, and regularly tells him that DS never talks about his daddy or says that he misses him.

DH sat down to talk about it with DS this weekend and DS told him that when he's at daddy's 'mummy is sad and waits at home for [him]'. At our house DP always lets DS know that it's ok to miss his mummy and he should never be afraid to say that that's how he's feeling.
My guess would be that his ex takes a different approach, and the children know not to talk about their daddy at her house. Now of course some of it/a lot of it will just be because DS is young and loves his mum more than anything, but she certainly won't be making anything easier for him by showing him that it's ok to love his daddy as well. It's ok to have fun at daddy's, and she will be having her own fun when they're apart so while she'll miss him of course she will still be ok.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, other than keep doing the right thing even if it's not reciprocated- eventually the children will see things clearly, and will know that their dad (and you) has always been there for them and has always loved them.

My DD is 9 and me and her dad split up when she was 3. We have shared care and have had the same routine in place for 6 years.
DD still asks me who is picking her up from school and where she will be staying then gets upset when Iconfirm it's her dad.

I tell her that daddy misses her when she's with me as I miss her when she's with him.
It breaks my heart every time but I know that once she's there she will be fine.

You admit that you were wrong to say what you did.

You can have a good time but miss home. Eg a school residential. As an adult, you should understand that feeling of wishing that you could be in two places in one go.

My kids ask me what I plan on doing while at their Dad's. I say boring stuff like cleaning (so there is no FOMO) but it makes them feel sorry for me as unlike their Dad I am partnerless so they assume I'll be lonely without them. It's a Catch-22 because if I said something interesting then they might wAnt to stay