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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Feeling sad on DPs behalf

69 replies

ChipssAndGravy · 27/10/2018 15:50

DPs DC always tell him how much they can't wait to go home (to their mothers) or they will ask him excitedly who's house they are staying at tonight and when he says ours they will act disappointed.

It breaks his heart and I feel so awful for him.

I know people here may ask 'well what makes them feel that way' and may not believe when I say I really can't think of anything.

They are here 3 nights a week, he's a brilliant father and they do love him. I think they are just very close to their mother. When they aren't thinking about it they have a real laugh together.

Me and my DP have been together for quite some time and I get on with them really well so it's not to do with me/ dad having a new partner so far as I'm aware.

The youngest (7) sometimes gets very upset when we pick him up from his mum's but afterwards when we get home he's fine and we have a really good time together.

The oldest (9) is a bit more sensitive about it now and doesn't do it as much.

Once a while back the youngest was crying when we picked him up and when we asked him why we managed to get out of him that his mum had said how much she was going to miss him because she'll be at home on her own. He felt very bad about leaving her after that.

They've just asked me where they were staying tonight whilst DP was in another room and when I said here they got very huffy and said they wanted to stay at mummy's. Maybe I shouldn't have but I just said to them 'please do not say that infront of Daddy anymore, it's very mean and makes him sad'.

I know they can of course have a preference as to where they'd like to stay as they get older but it just breaks my heart for DP. He loves them with every fiber in his body and I can see it kills him when they act like they don't want to see him.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

stuffedpeppers · 27/10/2018 16:16

Sorry - you were way out of line.

Two young already conflicted kids, who miss their mum, know their mum misses them and you have just told them off for being mean to their Dad - how to get them to express their feelings and not feel guilty - you blew it.

My 2 often ask me if I miss them when they are at their Dads. The EX is in a no win situation. If she says no to the kids, then they feel she does not want them, if she says yes - most of this board will say emotional black mail. You do not know what they say to their mother about missing dad.

I used to say of course I will, just like Daddy misses you both when you are with me.

There is no maybe that what you said was wrong - you were way out of line.

Original poster

ChipssAndGravy · 27/10/2018 16:33

stuffedpeppers I didn't tell them off... I didn't raise my voice on the slightest. I asked them to not say that to their Dad which I accept was wrong. I certainly didn't 'tell them off' though.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 27/10/2018 16:39

You didn't say anything OTT. You just said it made daddy sad, which it does. They need to know that daddy has feelings too.

FishesThatFly · 27/10/2018 16:42

Their mum is very wrong to tell them she will be home alone - poor kids feel guilty for enjoying themselves with you.

Maybe83 · 27/10/2018 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 27/10/2018 16:43

You have absolutely no right to tell those children what they may and may not say to their dad. You need to make sure he is aware of what you have done and you need to apologise to those children and say that you were in the wrong.

It's not a competition to see who can put step children in the most difficult position.

Original poster

ChipssAndGravy · 27/10/2018 16:43

It was said in a 'aw please don't say that to Daddy' kind of way, not in anger or remotely 'telling off'.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChipssAndGravy · 27/10/2018 16:46

I accept I shouldn't have said it. Its hard to navigate, I'm not trying to place blame on anyone I just get upset for DP and had a moment of mis-judgement.

DP knows what I said because I told him when I went into the other room to see him.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 27/10/2018 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MynameisJune · 27/10/2018 16:47

Doesn’t matter how you said it, it’s not your place to tell them what they can and can’t say to their Dad. Does your DP know that you told them not to say anything in front of him? If not why haven’t you told him?

MeteorMedow · 27/10/2018 16:55

You did nothing wrong intercepting this behaviour just as you would any other. I’m not sure why people seem to think that kids acting out over break ups/ divorce should be tolerated! Understood and empathised with - yes but it’s no different than a bullied child saying they don’t want to go to school.

In your situation I would encourage DP to sit down with you and children and have an open talk about this. It may be that redecorating their bedroom or letting them choose an activity will help them feel enthused about being at your home. At their age though it’s not a choice to live full time with their mum so they’ll need to be encouraged to get over it else they’ll be miserable for years

Original poster

ChipssAndGravy · 27/10/2018 17:03

I do want to say I have nothing but the best intentions for these children, they've been in my life as I in theirs for 5 years now and I care about them a great deal so I'm not at all dismissing what people are saying. I accept I shouldn't have gotten involved.

I just want them to want to see DP because they make him so happy (as he does them when they aren't distracted by this way of thinking), I got emotional in the moment and said something I shouldn't.

DP knows what I said and wasn't concerned but perhaps I'll encourage him to have a proper chat with them.

They do say things sometimes which they know upset DP for example DP will ask them do they not like staying here and they will say things like well I like playing on your Xbox or seeing the dog and laugh with each other because they know he was hoping they'd say they like to see him.

I know he's a grown man and can take it, but it still hurts him though. I know it does because he shares it with me when they've gone home like he's failing or something.

OP posts:

Moussemoose · 27/10/2018 17:21

How do children learn if no one tells them?

What we say has consequences, if no one explains this they may continue to say things that distress people and that is unkind.

Context is everything, it very much depends on how the comment was made the OP has obviously heard these comments a lot and made the point it upsets their dad.

Either step parents are part of the family or not. If you are expected to love, help and support children and interact with them emotionally then sometimes you will make mistakes or push boundaries. The other option is to withdraw and that is emotionally cold and significantly worse.

I don't know - I wasn't there I do know this family needs support and help not criticism.

IStandWithPosie · 27/10/2018 17:22

You missed a trick there, you should have taken the opportunity to gently explore why they were sad about staying at dad’s house tonight. Please don’t put any more guilt on them about their own feelings. Children should be able to tell their parents how they’re feeling.

Btw some kids have a really strong pull towards home. I was one of them and I know some children who are too. They just like to be at home and for your SDCs its sounds like home for them is at mums. It doesn’t mean they don’t love dad or dad isn’t doing anything wrong, it’s just that they are more comfortable at their mums.

swingofthings · 27/10/2018 17:23

Sadly what you said might have resulted in the same pressure being put on them then when their mum says she misses them. In both instance they are being made to feel guilty for how they feel.

I understand that you feel upset for your OP and that's why it came out. Really your OH needs to understand why they feel so strongly about it. Could it be that they are actually bored when with their dad/you? How much attention does their dad give them?

IStandWithPosie · 27/10/2018 17:24

Not all children are suited to or cope well with an even split between Mum and dads house.

totallyaddicted · 27/10/2018 17:26

I think it's fine that you told them that it makes their dad sad because well... it does!
What their mother is doing is a lot worse, making them feel guilty for spending time with their dad and probably trying to pit them against him.
Your partner needs to speak to his ex and tell her not to say things like this to the children because it is damaging. They should both only be speaking of each other in positive terms around the children and should be encouraging them to spend time with both parents.
You will just get a lot of negativity on here because as a step mother you dared to say something (In a nice way!) to your step kids. It's a touchy subject for some people.

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2018 17:28

are they at yours 3 nights and then at their mums 4 nights every week - it maybe that they are feeling they dont have a home and are constantly batted from one to another. Personally this is why I dont think 50/50 always works because the children dont have a base

So tbh I think you both need to be grown up about it and explore some different options such as 1/2 nights in the week and EOW maybe 5 nights out of 14 rather than 6 - let them have a home base

And apologise because you crossed a line - you put your DH feelings ahead of them telling you theirs

IStandWithPosie · 27/10/2018 17:30

What their mother is doing is a lot worse

It’s really not. It’s exactly the same.

“I don’t like you being at dads because I am alone and miss you”

“Don’t be sad about missing Mum because it makes dad sad”

Both are equally as bad.

LucyMorningStar · 27/10/2018 17:37

OP you haven't done anything wrong. Being a step patent is a minefield and sometimes you just can't please everyone. You are just looking out for your partner and you quite clearly have not been horrible to the children. It's a learning curve but remember that on MN you'll be painted as a wicked stepmother whatever you do.

IStandWithPosie · 27/10/2018 17:39

on MN you'll be painted as a wicked stepmother whatever you do.

Which no-one has done.

totallyaddicted · 27/10/2018 17:39

@IStandWithPosie

I don't think she said don't be sad about missing mum though, she said don't say that you don't want to stay here to daddy because it hurts his feelings.

What their mother has done is worse. She has actively caused this situation and made her children deeply upset and caused them to have feelings of guilt at such a young age. Their father has been affected by his kids saying they don't want to be with him because he is a human being. OP has voiced it because she is seeing the effect that it has on her partner and she loves him. Granted it could have been done differently -I.e her partner having a conversation with his ex. But it wasn't because OP is a human being too.
I think going forward OP your partner needs to have a conversation with his ex about this and they both need to be encouraging of the kids spending time with both parents without guilt.

Original poster

ChipssAndGravy · 27/10/2018 17:47

swingofthings I do feel that he spends good quality time with them when they are here. We watch movies together, been playing board games this afternoon, eat all our meals together etc..

The oldest is getting to the age where sometimes he does just want to sit in his room and play on his games which is to be expected.

I wouldn't personally say they are bored when they are here no, though I of course don't see them at their mothers so can't compare it to what they get up to there.

Quartz yes, here 3 nights and at mum's 4. I've thought myself before that it may be part of the problem but I don't think DP would agree to see them less and his ex has very funny work patterns which would mean she probably wouldn't agree to change it either. I know of course their needs come first but as I say it works practically for his ex's work patterns so I'm not sure how else they'd do it.

We do only live 10 mins away so it isn't an hour long trip or anything, not sure if that makes a difference!

OP posts:

IStandWithPosie · 27/10/2018 17:48

It’s exactly the same totally they’re being burdened with both their parent’s feelings. I get why OP said it but I think she shouldn’t in the future, if they are sad about staying, open up the conversation so they know they can talk about it rather than thinking they’re not allowed to.

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2018 17:53

Of course it makes a difference - they dont have a base to call home. Imagine every 3 or 4 days you change home and go somewhere else - its unsettling for them they need a base.

As I said its not about seeing them less 2 nights one week and 1 the next and EOW is only the lose of 1 night but may give them a chance to have somewhere they call home - if its work patterns though that does seem odd as she isnt exactly at home alone is she if she is working?

As you are only 10 minutes away maybe stay over 1 night a week and EOW and then the other evening do tea and let them go home for sleeping? So you only actually lose the staying over part.

They are telling you they are unhappy with the way that it is at the moment - its only fair to find out why

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