Can a reaction change how you feel ?

[Spanglyprincess1]

Don't want to drop feed so this will be very very long (sorry).
Dp has three kids (7,8,12) and we have a baby together who is 4 MTHS.
I have know dp since we were young, we dated when we were both 17 and reunited 2 years ago (4 years post divorce for him n 2 years post divorce for me).
I was living overseas at time and we regularly saw each other. Dp lives in a different area of UK than I would have worked in - part of initial chat was he would have to move eventually to where I worked as I earned more and he is self employed so can work anywhere. He agreed.
He wanted a family eg marriage and another child. He put some pressure on and I wasn't sreally ever bothered about kids but not against idea. I got pregnant and came home, cut short my contract but work supported me. I was allowed to work from home during pregnancy which was good.
My work initially agreed I could continue to do this after mat leave -amazing - dp was happy as near kids and I was near family support. Found a perfect house, which I am solely funding due to dp bad financial situation, needed to be large but was just about doable. Dp stropped a bit after offer wanting more space for himself within house (there is a post on here about it) but this wasn't financial possible unless he could contribute financially which he couldn't. We were about to exchange. The house isn't in an wares I like really as far ish from my mom but very near his kids school.
Bombshell landed by email Friday, my team is going. I fortunately still have a job (v.lucky) but I am unlikely to be able to work from home anymore and would need to move closer (90 miles away). I'm upset but at least we havnt exchanged, although I will loose legal fees etc.
Dp reaction was appalling - just 'I don't think I am able to move' and how doing so would burn his life, hurt his kids (ignored out joint child completely in his fuss) etc etc. I get it's a shock, I get it's crap but there is literally nothing I can do. We have to be able to clothes n feed all kids, plus house them which means we must have my income. He didn't even ask if I was ok or upset. It was me me me. He even demanded I tell his kids we wouldn't be moving next month as they would be upset - err no ! I tried telling him we could work it out and make good childcare /access arrangments.
Is it wrong that this has completely coloured how I feel about him? I get it's rubbish but at least we can still afford to live and support all the kids kids plus it's what he originally agreed to and was always a possibility. It's less than ideal for me as I'd have zero family support and my family have been very supportive with baby. I need my income to support baby as he can't alone, I can't move jobs in the timeframe and I wouldn't earn as much.

So, out of idle curiosity, what is MrSelfishTwat suggesting?

I live where I live in order for my DC to maintain a relationship with my eXH. When I got together with my DP he knew this,Moveing away is not negotiable even though me living here is far more inconvenient than if I lived closer to my family and/or to my DP.

If his own business isn’t making enough money then he does need to do something about that, but that’s a separate issue from being expected to move away from his kids. Perhaps you could leave your baby with your DP and see him every other weekend? No? Then you’re unreasonable expecting him to do the same.

And the fact that the DP wanted a child with the OP is irrelevant here. If this was a woman posting that her partner wanted to move away thus meaning her children would be inconvenienced by it the answer would be that he shouldn’t have agreed to have children with her if he didn’t want them.

It doesn’t matter that the DP was the one wanting children initially. OP had a child with him through her own choice.

Thank you toosassy. He would need to switch jobs to earn more he loves his self employed job which I understand as linked to his hobbies but it didn't earn nearly enough to support himself let alone a big family. He isn't willing to switch jobs. If he was and earned even 24k a year we could just about manage somehow but it would be tight but he won't do it.
The other ideas of the mental commute isn't fair on the kids either me leaving baby and doing five hours driving a day or him driving kids 3 hrs a day - both insane and unfair.
He made a commitment to me and baby, it really sucks but that's life but this sort of situation was discussed pre pregnancy and again post pregnancy and the move was agreed then. It's sad and he's entitled to be upset but we have to be adults and support each other/the wider family

Ultimately I think you have to prioritise the financial stability that your job gives you. He's always known that this was your situation and was more than happy for you to support him and his other three DCs due to your income from that job.

I have no idea why he thought moving 90 miles from his kids was ever going to work but it looks like he isn't really willing to make adult decisions, and just wanted a baby despite being unable to properly support his existing children.

Sorry you're in this situation after discussing and agreeing everything, it's hard because he was the one pushing having a child and now you're dealing with the consequences. But you sound like you're doing absolutely the right thing, definitely don't compromise your financial security for someone like this.

He's not rp. His ex moved away btw with the children which let to the current custody situation.
He agreed. In my mind it's his problem not mine, I've tried everything to accomadate him.
He could choose to cahnge jobs and stay near his kids with me and baby but he's refusing to do that either. What else can I do? He has chocies in this

Btw I do appreciate the views from everyone and yeah I was a bit blinkered I guess but I've never had children and most divorced families I know do every other weekend and it's fine plus half school holidays.
I assumed he new what he was agreeing to as he had children already and I didn't. I don't think you can blame someone for asking and basing decisions on the answers provided. Not asking yes - insanity! In other posters examples they said to partners they can't move and they entered into the relationship on that basis. I didn't. it was carefully and lengthy discussed and agreed.

Also please don't underestimate how upset I am I've tried literally everyday about this and dp reaction. Its a horrible situation

He needs to step up and support his family and stop fannying about with a hobby job.

If he did that, none of this would be an issue.

If he hadn't met you I wonder how he was going to deal with the housing needs of his kids 🤔

God knows..I suspect the answer is rely on mom n dad or he sleep on floor.
Yes it could, I'm going to talk to him again about that idea

The fact that the plan was for him to move where your job is certainly change matters. I'm wondering though whether he reacted defensively because of how you approached it. You talk about his commitment to you and your baby but seem not to care that he also has a commitment to his other kids. You jump at talking about the inevitable need to move when you've said that it wasn't totally final that you will have to.

I suspect he knows you want to move and see this as the perfect opportunity to get what you've always wanted with a good reason to do so. He probably saw your words as gloating because you now get your way and he doesn't but you don't care about the affect it will have on him and his kids.

That would explain what he said. I think that if he isn't prepared to change jobs and indeed you working from home won't be an option any longer even after discussing the situation with your boss, he would have accepted the inevitable but the way you've approached it means that he is now hurt and think you couldn't care less about his feelings.

Not good for the future unless you guys open up and start being totally honest about each other. Your relationship and babyvwas rushed and you are paying the consequences.

Found a perfect house, which I am solely funding due to dp bad financial situation, needed to be large but was just about doable. Dp stropped a bit after offer wanting more space for himself within house

I'm just  at this, never mind his latest pathetic reaction.

He sure did give you a warning about exactly how self-centred and entitled he is.

 at this

Loads of alternatives re his kids

Main one is custody arrangements change they stay with mum mon-fri then travel up to you weekend.
He rents a small place down there, for use when he has kids.
Move half way.
However best solution is you move and he stays x

I think a hypothetical discussion about moving is very different when faced with the reality of it. He is entitled to change his mind, surely? Would you be happy to be permanently based so far from your own child?

That said, he seems to have engineered a situation whereby you are taking responsibility for the household in its entirety. I would give that some serious thought.

No we discussed his kids too. As one of the reasons I tried so hard to stay locally n still am.
Love Mumsnet sometimes, not sure how else I can accomadate him tbh but I'm sure I am bad guy just because we have a family too. All the children are vey important hence discussions etc but this has happened and we need a new plan.
I've offered to change the idea n pay for childcare myself for our child now,vso this means he can afford to drive down and see children once a week plus alternate weekends.
But sure I'm a selfish sm for expecting him to do what he said he would or if not change jobs n support the kids to stay more local.

Personally I think not having a base to stay especially with older children is unrealistic. What are they supposed to do during that time? Him staying the ex? Staying in a cooped up in a hotel room?

Also, how much would a move truly impact on his business? Is it all totally online or does he have customer ls locally? You mention childcare on the day he goes to see his kid on the week? Does this mean you have planned that he would look after your joint child whilst you're at work late in the evenings?

I think the fairer compromise but clearly one that it would come at a price is for him to get a flat there. Otherwise a move half way.

I think you need to accept that continuing to see his kids regularly at home isimportant to him whatever he said before, but he needs to realise that self employment which means having fun working is a luxury and he might have to stick to his hobby during other time and get a job that supports his family.

Swing- I agree. No plan was we cover childcare for baby between bus and I go part time, I'd earn enough and cheaper than childcare costs but I can change this idea if needed If he could earn more we have options. I'll try again to talk to him about it as I really want this to work out for everyone

No local customers online and events some weekends at nationwide locations

Sorry if incoherent, baby has bad cold and been up all night

Or another option which I'm sure I'll be slated for, is we can stay local and I take a career break but we couldn't afford a big house. So he would see kids but zero overnights - same days as now but only till 8pm then they go to their mom's. Crap but we could do that financially.

But sure I'm a selfish sm for expecting him to do what he said he would or if not change jobs n support the kids to stay more local

That isn’t what I said, is it? Your frustration isn’t unreasonable, but neither is it unreasonable to rethink when faced with the reality of moving away from your children. If his business is local then that too is problematic. You both need to compromise, surely?

We are really trying the struggke is as per many many updates ago. He won't cahnge his job to accomadate the families needs. I have come up with several radical plan changes as possibilities but he won't contemplate changing jobs or seeing all kids less, both seem to be impossible! Plus as self employed his has no pension whereas my pension is good so I'm keen to not jepodise that either for our joint old age.

If he cahnge jobs we could just about afford to stay locally! But he won't. (Aware I'm brain dead today!)

OK, so he won't get a job that would enable him to support his family, or move away from his older children
You've got a good job with an understanding boss, and need to be able to support your child
In your position I'd move and protect your job. Its all very well saying that other things are more important - eg enjoying work which is hobby related - but you need a level of income to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.
Maybe rent somewhere near your work first. He can visit you at weekends and see his older children during the week. Not ideal, but there doesn't seem to be an alternative. You've already compromised on not working abroad, don't let yourself end up sacrificing a good job and resenting him whilst working in a rubbish job to support him. He doesn't seem to be contributing much, and the fact he is prioritising a poorly paid job he enjoys would annoy me. He has responsibilities and seems awfully keen to pass them on to you