Can a reaction change how you feel ?

[Spanglyprincess1]

Don't want to drop feed so this will be very very long (sorry).
Dp has three kids (7,8,12) and we have a baby together who is 4 MTHS.
I have know dp since we were young, we dated when we were both 17 and reunited 2 years ago (4 years post divorce for him n 2 years post divorce for me).
I was living overseas at time and we regularly saw each other. Dp lives in a different area of UK than I would have worked in - part of initial chat was he would have to move eventually to where I worked as I earned more and he is self employed so can work anywhere. He agreed.
He wanted a family eg marriage and another child. He put some pressure on and I wasn't sreally ever bothered about kids but not against idea. I got pregnant and came home, cut short my contract but work supported me. I was allowed to work from home during pregnancy which was good.
My work initially agreed I could continue to do this after mat leave -amazing - dp was happy as near kids and I was near family support. Found a perfect house, which I am solely funding due to dp bad financial situation, needed to be large but was just about doable. Dp stropped a bit after offer wanting more space for himself within house (there is a post on here about it) but this wasn't financial possible unless he could contribute financially which he couldn't. We were about to exchange. The house isn't in an wares I like really as far ish from my mom but very near his kids school.
Bombshell landed by email Friday, my team is going. I fortunately still have a job (v.lucky) but I am unlikely to be able to work from home anymore and would need to move closer (90 miles away). I'm upset but at least we havnt exchanged, although I will loose legal fees etc.
Dp reaction was appalling - just 'I don't think I am able to move' and how doing so would burn his life, hurt his kids (ignored out joint child completely in his fuss) etc etc. I get it's a shock, I get it's crap but there is literally nothing I can do. We have to be able to clothes n feed all kids, plus house them which means we must have my income. He didn't even ask if I was ok or upset. It was me me me. He even demanded I tell his kids we wouldn't be moving next month as they would be upset - err no ! I tried telling him we could work it out and make good childcare /access arrangments.
Is it wrong that this has completely coloured how I feel about him? I get it's rubbish but at least we can still afford to live and support all the kids kids plus it's what he originally agreed to and was always a possibility. It's less than ideal for me as I'd have zero family support and my family have been very supportive with baby. I need my income to support baby as he can't alone, I can't move jobs in the timeframe and I wouldn't earn as much.

Why did YOU decide to be with him knowing he had children. What happens if your job takes you to Australia? He has to follow you there too? Is your job more important than his kids?

Ultimately it might indeed be the only solution for you all but you've only found out on Friday, are not even totsll sure yet that you won't be able to change job and you're already talking about moving. Maybe it's all a bit too quick for him and makes him think that your job comes before him.

Because I love him, I like the children and we discussed it at length before getting serious and having children about how the future would look . Yes we did discuss overseas too and that was agreed as a no due to childcare issues , I agreed and was looking /have made a permeant transfer here with no likihood of overseas work again despite it being more lukrative. I agree with you it should have been discussed and I can very much assure you it was at length and the agreement was to move to my works location. I then became pregnant and tried my best to change this but it hasn't panned out.
I do understand the importance but if it was discussed and agreed , I am hardly insane for assuming he bloody ment what he damn well said !

Apologises for the hiddeous typos

Why did he agree to move to where you worked, knowing he has 3 children in another area?

That seems quite a foolish thing for him to have agreed.

To his 3 children that would look like they arent important enough and thet could feel abandoned by him.

Had he thought it through and expressed this, then you could have decided whether or not to continue with the relationship.

Yep exactly my point. We discussed it at time and he would have had them eow plus half of school holidays. We even discussed how it would work with work over school holidays eg making sure we took time off together and seperate with kids.

I know it looks stupid but I promise it was discussed!!

So sorry you are going through this... I think men talk before they think... You can do it. If he wants you and baby to be a family he would make it work somehow if not it was never meant to work... Good luck xxx

Of course it would have worked with his kids- Britain is a small island! Nowhere is significantly far away. Op was being extremely sane and sensible in discussing beforehand that her job is paramount to the whole family’s well being- given her OH is not stable financially. We all know if this was a bloke everyone would say, you’re lucky he is kind enough to support you and your dcs from previous rs and suck up the travel aspect. He’s pissed off that the cosy set up is no longer 100% easy for him. Please listen to your own good sense op.

It depends on the distance and time. For example Travelling between Durham and London EOW isn't good and will have an impact (negative) on either him or his DC.

Men are often criticised for moving far away from their children when they get a new partner.

I honestly don't think him not wanting to move is wrong...he should have thought it through. That was his failing.

The further away they move...it often results in a relationship breakdown with the kids. They get fed up with the long drive EOW and stop going.

It seems he was desperate to keep you and said what he thought you wanted to hear at the time.

Considering he already had 3 kids I'm very suprised it was him pushing for more. He's hardly got lots of money to spare and kids are expensive.
It's like he wanted you tied to him forever in some way.

Yep it was him ref kids he adores babies, was broody and missed his fmaily. It's 93 miles door to door.
I know i was nieve but what are you supossed to do if something is openly discussed and agreed prior to making a life changing decision like have children. I have to take him at his word about what he said

I was doing 100miles a day to get to work being pregnant...

Madlife that's your choice but it's insane and not finaically doable with a young child imo

Hold on. The OP’s DP and the OP had an agreement that included living close to her work. They live on her income. The DP is now angry that they have to follow through on it and somehow the onus is on the OP to do this ridiculous commute with a young baby? And pay the bills for a household of 6 people?

Yeah. No. I wouldn’t sign up to that in a million years. We no longer live in the dark ages of women needing to sacrifice themselves on the altar of ‘put myself last’.

OP. I’m curious. Since your post, has your DP calmed down? Apologised? What’s been happening?

I wouldn't expect any partner to do that commute either

Hey err not really. I've offered four or five solutions all of which doesn't work as he can't have his self employed job. His idea was live half way and expect kids to do do a fifty miles each way commute to school on days we have them - insanity plus extortionate expensive and he wanted baby to do that drive with him on day he had baby. No.
Other option was I take a career break and we rent locally for five years (then move but his kids will be early adults) and change jobs to earn more so not self employed. But he won't do that as can't see kids on weekdays and loves his job. Well I also love mine!
I don't know what else I can do to try and be flexible tbh

Sorry that post should read he cahnge jobs to earn enough to support the house hodl so not self employed.

So he currently sees his kids on weekdays but you want him to cut contact and move across the country because you like your job? Why can't you work 90 miles away from your baby if you expect him to live permanently that far away from his kids?

Sounds like you need to split, then he can see your shared child EOW and you can do the travelling as the parent who decides to move away.

Also it sounds like he agreed to move before your work said that you'd have to go 90 miles away, and it's not really fair to hold him to a vague concept if he didn't know how far he'd have to move.

@fffff.... no she is main breadwinner. Without her job they won’t have the big house for his children. They agreed beforehand and he’s now reneging.

But they won't have the big house for the children either way now, so clearly the plan was to stay local until OP dropped the bombshell that he now needs to move hours away from his DC

Ffffsake...read the posts!! No he agreed to the arrangments. I was always going to work in this location but managed to get WFH which was great, now I can't do that. He shouldn't have made life plan n had a child on the basis of a situation if he felt it was undoable. He can't have the children overnight without me as can't afford the house- children now need SEP rooms due to age. Again read the posts!

And yes we would as we'd buy a bigger house near job, n have children there with appropriate bedrooms etc etc . Of course all the children would have rooms!
Also I've offered compromises not to move (again read the posts!) but they all involved him changing jobs to become the main breadwinner which he won't do. They are his children so he needs to support them if we stay local as I can't do it anymore, it's not possible to have it both ways

That's exactly what I'm saying - it's not possible. He's allowed to change his mind and he clearly has, so he can have his way (his kids, his job) and you can have yours! Just not if you're together.

Yep n I've said that and he can do the drive. He can't have his cake n eat it. I've done everything I possibly can to accomadate him.
Poor bbay is all I feel as he deserv s better from his dad

OP. If you take a career break and stay locally, I assume you will be eating into your savings to do so? As it’s clear your OH doesn’t earn enough to sustain the lifestyle and requirements of everyone.

This situation is nuts and I feel for you. I do (sadly) think that he had a baby with you rather selfishly (because he misses his first family) and also because he wants a tie with you.

I can also understand his frustration (a little but I don’t have much sympathy) because he now feels as if he effectively needs to ‘choose’ between his kids and the baby he has with you. And you’re bearing the brunt of this frustration. Because Within a week he’s gone from his dream situation (house near his kids with you and baby with him) to, no, that’s not possible.

Whichever way you cut this, no one wins I’m afraid. Personally, I wouldn’t jeopardise my income/ job for a man who isn’t prepared to step up and try and find solutions and who reneges on his word.

To the posters who are accusing you of putting your job first? Well, they’re missing the point. I, in a heartbeat would have to put my job first because it is what pays for food, clothing, bills and a roof over my head. That’s just life.

Unless someone has discovered money trees with fifty pound notes growing in them? Sorry, but he’s asking for far too much without considering the very real realities and pressures of life.

I could understand the instant reaction of ‘I can’t move’, but not after 5 minutes thought. He previously agreed to move near your job, that’s where it’s always been, you’re both just fortunate you’ve had some flexibility for a while.

I don’t think he should have agreed to move away from his kids, but he did. He pushed you into having a baby, wanting ‘a family...seemingly ignoring the needs of the children from his first family. It really should have been a warning to you, but when you’re in love everything looks different.

The fact he CHOOSES to be self employed and in a financial mess when he needn’t be should also have indicated to you that he’s a selfish twat. YOU are finding a house for HIS children and you three, while he pisses about being irresponsible.

I don’t understand why you allowed that situation to arise.

It’s a shame you have to move away from your mum and other family/friends BUT I think you need to realise that while you live him, he’s using you. Maybe not intentionally and he probably does love you, but not in the way that you love him.

I think you really really need to look st everything with your eyes wide open and make some sensible decisions. For my money that’s using your head, not your heart, realising he’s not a team with you, and making a life with DS without him.

Which is really fucking off considering as much as you no doubt love and adore DS now, you weren’t the one wanting children and were doing well in your career without having to factor in bringing up a child.

I’d be hurt and furious.