Can a reaction change how you feel ?

[Spanglyprincess1]

Don't want to drop feed so this will be very very long (sorry).
Dp has three kids (7,8,12) and we have a baby together who is 4 MTHS.
I have know dp since we were young, we dated when we were both 17 and reunited 2 years ago (4 years post divorce for him n 2 years post divorce for me).
I was living overseas at time and we regularly saw each other. Dp lives in a different area of UK than I would have worked in - part of initial chat was he would have to move eventually to where I worked as I earned more and he is self employed so can work anywhere. He agreed.
He wanted a family eg marriage and another child. He put some pressure on and I wasn't sreally ever bothered about kids but not against idea. I got pregnant and came home, cut short my contract but work supported me. I was allowed to work from home during pregnancy which was good.
My work initially agreed I could continue to do this after mat leave -amazing - dp was happy as near kids and I was near family support. Found a perfect house, which I am solely funding due to dp bad financial situation, needed to be large but was just about doable. Dp stropped a bit after offer wanting more space for himself within house (there is a post on here about it) but this wasn't financial possible unless he could contribute financially which he couldn't. We were about to exchange. The house isn't in an wares I like really as far ish from my mom but very near his kids school.
Bombshell landed by email Friday, my team is going. I fortunately still have a job (v.lucky) but I am unlikely to be able to work from home anymore and would need to move closer (90 miles away). I'm upset but at least we havnt exchanged, although I will loose legal fees etc.
Dp reaction was appalling - just 'I don't think I am able to move' and how doing so would burn his life, hurt his kids (ignored out joint child completely in his fuss) etc etc. I get it's a shock, I get it's crap but there is literally nothing I can do. We have to be able to clothes n feed all kids, plus house them which means we must have my income. He didn't even ask if I was ok or upset. It was me me me. He even demanded I tell his kids we wouldn't be moving next month as they would be upset - err no ! I tried telling him we could work it out and make good childcare /access arrangments.
Is it wrong that this has completely coloured how I feel about him? I get it's rubbish but at least we can still afford to live and support all the kids kids plus it's what he originally agreed to and was always a possibility. It's less than ideal for me as I'd have zero family support and my family have been very supportive with baby. I need my income to support baby as he can't alone, I can't move jobs in the timeframe and I wouldn't earn as much.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Thanks. We are where we are. I'm doing what I can tbh I'm tempted to do that and he can do as he pleases apart from fact I want baby to have a family unit

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I agree with others. It’s painful, however you’ve seen that he never had any intention to move - before you exchanged contracts. I’ve been burnt by this twice, more fool me! Moved to suit DPs, had child then they forgot that there was supposed to be a compromise!

So I’d do what is the long term best option for you. You need to for your baby also. Good luck it must be a bit upsetting.

[Spanglyprincess1]

Yeah I'm still reeling tbh from it as it's a big shock.
I have some ideas and plans but tbh I'm exhusted and have slight pnd (see earlier threads). I don't feel emotionally well before this. But everyone is correct, I need to put baby first as he's my priority, then the other kids then dp.
Hopefully it's fixable!

[MotherofTerriers]

If its fixable, he needs to fix it. He can't say he won't get a job, or move away from his kids, and expect you to magically facilitate what he wants. If you move, he can join you, or he can get a better job and ask you to move back. But if he doesn't see you as a team, and decides to stay where he is and keep his hobby job, at least you can support your child - and long term, with a decent career

[FredaNerkk]

If you decide to move to maintain your current job, will he consent to you taking the baby with you?

Assuming you're in England....
It could be quite complicated (legally) if he doesn't. Who your baby lives with - if you disagree - will come down to the law deciding who is best able to care for the baby. He might say he is home quite a lot, can give the baby a relationship with his half-siblings and has family nearby whereas he could say you would leave baby with childcarers whilst you are working long hours. You need to think these sorts of issue through (or move while your little one is still breastfeeding (assuming they are); only you can do that and the law almost certainly wouldn't insist a breastfeeding baby lives with dad.) If you can get baby happily settled with a good child care arrangement and demonstrate that you spend alot of time with him as well as working - you will have a good status quo argument in your favour when baby stops breast feeding.
The fact that he doesn't earn much won't necessarily matter - he can say that if the child stays with him as primary parent, he will be eligible for some state support and child maintenance payments from you (which will be a percentage of your salary approx 15%)

Sorry to raise these points... I'm just mentioning them because it's better to think them through and go and get some RL professional legal advice, rather than be blindsided later.

[Spanglyprincess1]

He won't apply for custody, he didn't have a suitable home of we were not together. I do bf exclusively and would be pt when I moved anyway due to childcare costs Vs living costs/baby time. If baby was in childcare it would be when weaned and still bf also ( I plan to feed as long as possible).

[Spanglyprincess1]

He works 7 days a week as self employed, it's just low income but he enjoys it. He's never been the sahd for this child unlike his other children when they were little. But your right to raise it!.

[Spanglyprincess1]

You can tell I'm.tierd again! Hopefully it won't come to anything, I don't want to.seperate and split our very young family, hopefully there is a way through this but he does need to meet me half way.

[catmum94]

I think this is a classic mumsnet case of certain people in the thread refusing to read what OP is saying so they can have a go.

She has stated multiple times that she would be more than happy to stay in his chosen area if he was willing to stop being self employed (where he makes no money) and get a job. He refuses.

Alternatively, she could take a career break to stay in the area but they have to live in a smaller property. He refuses.

This is the same man that got the arse because he couldn't have his own private room in the house she's paying for.

If he's not willing to step up to provide for his 4 children then OP should do what she needs to do to provide for her child. His children are not her responsibility but she has tried to take them into account, he's not prepared to be an adult and take responsibility.

Do your thing, OP. Just because you're being practical about finances doesn't make you cold or unfeeling towards him or his children.

[swingofthings]

When you say pt how pt are you talking about? Because even 4 days out of 5 is pushing it a bit but 3 days would explain his reaction. Moving for a part time job doesn't seem fair.

Have you even tried yet to negotiate with your boss? Say you do 4 days, you do 2 days there and two days at home and oh deals with all the childcare, taking baby to nursery and pick him up and certainly does everything when the SKs are home.

[afrikat]

Spangly you mentioned you had posted before so I had a look and honestly I am really concerned for you. Your other posts suggest this isn't a great guy. He's using fetish sites, doesn't help at all with the baby, doesn't make you food when cooking, spends money on frivolous stuff and can't afford to support the kids. You are putting your career and financial security in jeapordy for him, and I understand you want a family unit for your baby but I think you need to give serious thought to alternative options and really consider if you should be staying with him at all

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

If what @afrikat says is true, then please do not try to fix this. Move now, this is your opportunity to put some distance between you and have a healthier, more stable environment for you and your baby. You sound very capable, so you’ll cope fine. Even if you say to yourself it’s just thinking time, you’ve nearly put the whole financial and emotional weight of this man and his kids on your shoulders. Escape!

[swingofthings]

Gosh indeed seems a lot of information was left out. Sounds like this family was rushed with decisions made before clearly considering the situation and consequences.

[Spanglyprincess1]

No family wasn't rushed and tbh baby was unexpected although we had discussed the possibility. It's life and I'll be okay

[Spanglyprincess1]

I think tbh I might hold time. I can take more mat leave than I was going to (unpaid). I can stay with my mom as she's offered and leave him to sort his stuff. In meantime I will look at options for everything- seems the best idealong term for baby. Means a family but not under one roof but close by and hopefully rest can be sorted out.

[wheresthehope]

I think you would be better off taking you baby and following your job... How this guy thinks it is ok to bludge off you and have you supporting his kids is beyond me. Don't allow it to happen anymore

[SandyY2K]

Honestly? You took on too much responsibility with providing for his 3 children as you do. £24k is a low salary and you say he doesn't even make that.

It's all well and good doing a self employed job you like...but when you have responsibilities you need to step up and grow up...which he's not doing. He wouldn't have been a catch in my eyes with that attitude.... but I suspect love didn't allow you to see this as a problem at the time.

Do what's best for you.

[swingofthings]

Or maybe you have different concepts of life. Maybe he was and still is happy with doing what he enjoys and seeing his kids regularly and money and what it gets doesn't matter as much to him. Maybe he isn't that bothered by a nice house and was happy with the arrangements he had before you got together, whereas you are more ambitious, want to have a job that challenges you and the finances that come with to enjoy a more exciting life.

[Spanglyprincess1]

It dosnt matter really does it and no he didn't i indicate that at all, we discussed life plans and ambitions before embarking on our relationship and fmaily