Beyond breaking point

[Isolatedsm]

I don't think I'm in a healthy relationship and I need some support. My partners called me horrible names because I called his son a druggie. He called me a vile c..t and fat. He says I'm unkind, uncaring and uncompassionate. A vile person. In return I've said terrible things about his kids. I feel like my self worth is really low. He told me to F off Sunday evening because I got fed up of him checking his phone for texts from the ex wife as his son had been beaten up for owing money. They have labelled his son 'autistic' but I think this is just an excuse for bad parenting. If his son can walk to his dad's work and ask for money surely he can go to school. I thought at 14 and 15 the kids would be able to communicate directly with their dad but he said with his son having educational needs he needs to communicate with his ex wife. She texts a lot. I've got so much to lose if we break up but should I keep trying to work through this difficult stage? I feel like we are not supporting each other. He tells me I'm a terrible step parent and that I don't care. In arguments I feel he tries to provoke a reaction from me.

End it. You both sound awful.

What have you got to lose? What you describe seems unsalvageable and is only destroying all involved.

It's time to move on.

I don't think it would be good for anyone to continue this relationship.
He's trying. To help his son through a difficult period in his life. To do this, he is communicating with the child's other parent. The child needs his father at the moment.
You resent this, try to restrict this and bad mouth the lot of them.
He says nasty things to you.
I think the relationship is (and should be) finished.

That's a bit mean. How do I sound awful? I already feel at rock bottom from this situation

How do I sound awful?

The relationship isn't working and you are putting the blame on to the children. Tbh, if you called my 14 year old special needs child names I'd probably retaliate with some pretty choice names. There are obviously issues that the parents are trying to sort, and you are jealously and possessively resenting that parental input.

You're probably not awful. You're seeing this situation through a particular lens and that's impacting on your behaviour. No one is happy here. The best thing to do would be to move on. What is keeping you there? What do you have to lose?

I haven't called their special needs child names. The parents are getting him diagnosed as autistic. I don't think there's anything wrong with him. and he got into drugs hence why I called him druggie

Why do you think you know better than his parents and the specialists about his diagnosis? Also you think referring to a child with additional needs as a 'druggie' is okay? His parents must be worried sick and you are using nasty terms like that.

I've said terrible things about his kids

This is where you lost me I'm afraid.

Your DP is having a very difficult and worrying time with his child. Whether that's because of additional needs or drugs, it's a difficult time. He's trying to cooperate with his fellow parent. You're kicking off. Not nice.

I'd also add that he sounds nasty too. Name calling is not on.

Also if his son has SN, behaviour problems, drugs etc then it is really important that his parents are able to communicate well and work together. If you can't handle your partner having a decent co-parenting relationship with his ex then you shouldn't be involved with someone who is a parent. He absolutely shouldn't have called you names either but it sounds like it was retaliatory for what you said about his kid.

You appear to be massively lacking in empathy and understanding about children with additional needs and the difficulties they can face. Is there a reason you keep putting autism in speech marks? It sounds like it would be best if you split up.

If he is 14/15 with undiagnosed SEN then he has been undiagnosed for a large portion of his formative years. Whatever the reason for this it is easy to see how he had gone down a path or truancy and drugs.

The chances are he needed a different educational approach and would have benefited from strategies in place to help guide him and make good choices.

His parents are now trying to get him the help he needs, your posts are bordering on some pretty nasty, bigoted opinions on SEN.

You and your partner have both behaved appallingly with the name calling. This can happen when you are going through massive stress. If you are unable to empathise over your husband waiting for news of his child who was assaulted then you have gone beyond the point of no return and need to separate.

The child's mum and dad now have a precious few years to really try and help turn things around, there is no room for anyone who won't allow this to happen.

You don’t anytging at all about autism so stop commenting and judging on that for a start. I’d end it with anyone who thought like that about my child so he should have really but no he hangs around to call you names etc. End it. There’s nothing here to work with, it’s fonkdhec already really. Don’t let it drag on.

“Getting Him diagnosed autistic”

You do realise parents don’t dictate diagnosis, right? And you clearly have zero knowledge of how difficult and lengthy a diagnosis it is.

Leave. For the sake of the kid.

Really?

You're miserable, he's miserable, the son is miserable.

Whatever you have to lose, you're on a hiding to nothing by staying. You despise each other and the mutual loathing and resentment will destroy any shreds of hope there may be left.

He has absolutely no right to say those disgusting things to you and you have no right at all to slag off his child like that. You're already at a point where you're choosing to lash out and hurt each other and unforgivable things are being said.

What is there to hold on to?

Thank you so much Anne for a very balanced and understanding reply. He is my companion. We do everything together. We have a beautiful home. We share a pet. Those are all things I want to keep :-(

In response to the other replies I want to add the son doesn't live with us. Also I'm only putting autistic in brackets as I personally don't believe he has it but I take on board that I am not a medical professional..I am forming an opinion on what I see. Of course I have understanding and empathy for people with special needs but I feel like these days most people have a label of some kind to excuse them from something.

Autism aside...My dilemma is really should we try and make this work or accept defeat. I want children of my own and I don't want to bring them into chaos but at the same time I feel there is a glimmer of hope that when his son is through school / this teenage phase then we would make a nice family unit. It's so hard. I've been really patient over the years with having the kids dumped on us at short notice and no proper routine arrangement in place. It feels like I would be giving up at the last hurdle.

So you think he will just have to abdicate all responsibility ones his ds is 18, and play happy families with you?

It doesn't sound like his DS is going to be living independently any time soon. He may decide to live with his dad for a while once he is an adult.

There is no glimmer of hope here, only misery for you all and any potential future children.

My daughter's step mum didn't believe she had autism either. The whole two years of waiting for the assessments and observations to be done was awful because she (and therefore her dad) wouldn't listen to me about anything and would not make any adjustment for her needs. I was blamed for behaviour and bad parenting. Autism is so misunderstood and many only have a limited picture of how it presents because their only experience is what they see on t.v. which tends to be more rain man type portrayal

Of course I have understanding and empathy for people with special needs but I feel like these days most people have a label of some kind to excuse them from something.

You do see that the second part of your sentence cancels out the first don't you? Honestly your posts regarding autism and additional needs are just awful. Please stop.

OP I hate to be yet another harbinger of doom, but as much as you love your home, it's just a building. Your pet you can take with you. The companionship you share with your partner can possibly be salvaged, but I think you both need a bit of space and perspective first. At the moment you are hurting each other badly and that means that whatever love/respect/companionship is left will soon wither and die if you carry on as you are.

I also agree with others, once his son is through this phase, your partners responsibility for him will not end. You will never be a nice family unit with just yourself, your DP and whatever child/children you may have. Your partner's son will always be part of your lives, and that's as it should be.

I sympathise with you not believing the son has autism, as Missjumblebum1 says, it's a very misunderstood condition and there are so many degrees of it - they don't call it the autistic spectrum for nothing!

My eldest SD is on the autistic spectrum, and it took 2 years of sheer hell to get her diagnosed. She was 12 at time time of diagnosis. She "played up" because she was stressed by a world she didn't understand and didn't fit. She would push staples underneath her fingernails. Her verbal communication skills were virtually non existent, unless she was in a really really good head space. She preferred (and still does) to communicate by txt or messanger. There was an entire raft of behaviour which could easily have been dismissed as her just being rude or naughty (and to be fair, some of it was, she was a kid after all). Bottom line was she does have special needs and we needed to adjust our expectations and parenting accordingly. She is in her early 20's now and yes she can get the bus on her own and go shopping etc, but she may never live independently. I hope so, for everyone's sake, but only time will tell. I won't pretend that understanding and acceptance of her autism meant that we all held hands and skipped off into the sunset, and at the moment she and I have a difficult relationship for other reasons, but it helped the atmosphere at home enormously.

For you, please take a long hard look at your relationship and the family dynamic, now and in the future -vs- what you want. What you want may not be possible with your DP. You are both under a huge amount of stress at the moment, are you heading in the same direction or different directions? Can you accept that his son may well need a lot more support and understanding than he's been getting? Are you able to work with your DP to provide that? Step parenting is blimmin hard work and you and your DP need to be on the same page and have each others backs for it to work. Of course you'll never agree 100%, but if neither of you can be kind when you disagree, or don't feel that you are being respected, understood and supported, it does not bode well for anyone.

Good luck

If you were my oh and called my children names splitting up wouldn't be your decision.

You'd be gone.

I don't think I'm in a healthy relationship

Your posts support this view.

My partners called me horrible names because I called his son a druggie.

You shouldn't have called his son a druggie. Parentsare usually protecting over their children and don't take kindly to negative hurtful comments...even if there is some truth in them.

He says I'm unkind, uncaring and uncompassionate. A vile person.

In return I've said terrible things about his kids.

I don't follow your logic. He says you lack compassion and you respond by saying terrible things about his DC?

How did you serìously think that would help the situation?

You don't get to be nasty about his kids and not expect a negative response.

You're a grown woman (presumably) and you're saying horrible things to him about his DC.

Is there a reason you actually think he's find that acceptable? Do you think he's so lucky to have you and he's not the jackpot that he'd roll with it and perhaps join you in slagging his kids off?

I feel like I'm missing something here...because of you think what you did would be welcomed by him... perhaps there's something undiagnosed in you.

I get that you don't like his kids clearly...but why would you honestly think you could say that to him with no backlash?

I agree with his comments about you lacking compassion.

He told me to F off Sunday evening because I got fed up of him checking his phone for texts from the ex wife as his son had been beaten up for owing money.
You do lack compassion. This says it all. You're jealous...meanwhile he's worried about his son...and rightly so.
It's obvious you're not a parent.

They have labelled his son 'autistic'

but I think this is just an excuse for bad parenting.

Because you know best of course.

If his son can walk to his dad's work and ask for money surely he can go to school. I thought at 14 and 15 the kids would be able to communicate directly with their dad but he said with his son having educational needs he needs to communicate with his ex wife.
More jealousy. You need a man without kids. Parents will always communicate about their children if amicable...no matter how old thet are.

She texts a lot.

It's coparenting and their son is having a difficult time right now.

You arent suited for a man with kids..due to your insecurities.

I've got so much to lose if we break up

You won't last if you carry on like this.

but should I keep trying to work through this difficult stage?

No.
This isnt a relationship for you.

He tells me I'm a terrible step parent and that I don't care.

It doesn't sound like you do care tbh. You're only interested in you and him. His kids will always be a priority if he's a good dad.

I want children of my own and I don't want to bring them into chaos

I agree.

but at the same time I feel there is a glimmer of hope that when his son is through school / this teenage phase then we would make a nice family unit

You'd make a family unit of your own? Are you expecting parenting to stop at 18?

My DD left for Uni this year.

Shes neen back one weekend. She'll be back for reading week and Christmas. She's not put of our lives and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've been really patient over the years with having the kids dumped on us at short notice

Charming. You aren't cut out for step parenting...not everybody is. It's no shame to accept it and move on.