Beyond breaking point

[Isolatedsm]

I don't think I'm in a healthy relationship and I need some support. My partners called me horrible names because I called his son a druggie. He called me a vile c..t and fat. He says I'm unkind, uncaring and uncompassionate. A vile person. In return I've said terrible things about his kids. I feel like my self worth is really low. He told me to F off Sunday evening because I got fed up of him checking his phone for texts from the ex wife as his son had been beaten up for owing money. They have labelled his son 'autistic' but I think this is just an excuse for bad parenting. If his son can walk to his dad's work and ask for money surely he can go to school. I thought at 14 and 15 the kids would be able to communicate directly with their dad but he said with his son having educational needs he needs to communicate with his ex wife. She texts a lot. I've got so much to lose if we break up but should I keep trying to work through this difficult stage? I feel like we are not supporting each other. He tells me I'm a terrible step parent and that I don't care. In arguments I feel he tries to provoke a reaction from me.

The issue is that it has become obvious to your OH that you wish his son didn't exist and that will have brew resentment that will be in him no matter what you do. It sounds like both hold resentment on your chest that then explodes in anger when it bubbles over.

Unless you can learn to accept his son as a person that your OH loves deeply and therefore to whom he is fully committed, it is never going to work. Ultimately what is likely to happen is that in anther fit of anger. He is the one who will tell you that it's over.

*You'd make a family unit of your own? Are you expecting parenting to stop at 18?

My DD left for Uni this year.

Shes neen back one weekend. She'll be back for reading week and Christmas. She's not put of our lives and I wouldn't have it any other way. *

To be honest having an adult child at home for xmas, holidays and few weekends is VASTLY different to having them full time. If things were done right that adult child will be getting busy with their own life and the relationship with parents will change. It is likely that the young adult will never be back to living with their parents again. That doesn't mean they are not part of the family but as they grow up parents shift the focus back on themselves. It is possible and even likely that a second family unit will have much looser tights with an adult child...if they are new children I would imagine a relationship like with an aunt/uncle or infrequently visiting grandparent.
This is on an assumption of the adult child going to uni in a different city.

If things were done right that adult child will be getting busy with their own life and the relationship with parents will change

Of course your relationship changes, but they are still part of the family unit, and you still have contact and help them out if/when they need it. My eldest is in his early 20's, hasn't lived at home for years BUT he still crashes at our place from time to time and we still see him fairly regularly. I myself lived back home a few times years after I flew the nest. Once when I was between flats, once before I went overseas, and again when I came home, and the last time was when my marriage broke up and I went back with 2 kids!

The point I'm trying to make is that yes, when your kids leave home the relationship you have with them is vastly different to when they live with you full time (as Whitecat says) but even though OP's step son may no longer live with them when he turn 18, she will still have to maintain a relationship with him and if that relationship is strained/resentful it needs to be very carefully managed so as not to adversely affect everyone else, including the relationship she has with her DP - which is already rocky. If her step son does indeed have special needs (and even if he doesn't and it's "only" serious issues that he has to work through) then he will be more dependent than other young adults, and the ties may never really be all that loose. For OP's situation, with her DP, I don't see how it's possible for her to have a completely separate 2nd family unit with minimal contact with her step son.

but I think this is just an excuse for bad parenting

Is this a dig at mum? Because your partner is also a parent of this child, no?

Nope not a dig at her. More him if anything